The King’s Speech
To the allies of Macedon
Together, we crossed the Hellespont to take revenge on Darius III for Persian atrocities visited upon the Greek poleis. In three major battles, we took it. But war was not enough; for our revenge to be complete, we had to take Persia’s three major cities – Babylon, Susa and Persepolis – and thus, the empire. Yet, that too, we did. Now, having entered Ecbatana, we have taken the summer residence of the Persian kings. Our revenge is not only complete but gilded it as well.
This begs the question: what next? For me the answer is clear: pursuit of Darius. There can be only one King of Asia and I will not permit another to live in defiance of me. For you, however, it may be different. Your work is done; if you wish to return to Greece, albeit with a heavy heart, I will release you.
Be assured, if you decide to return home, you will depart with your wages fully paid and a bonus added – and I assure you, it will be most generous one. More than that, you will leave with my blessing and a guard to ensure your safe passage.
If, however, you decide to re-enlist with my army, I promise that the bonus you receive for your loyalty will be substantially greater than that which those leaving received. It is only right that those who work hardest and longest are paid the most.
We will not be staying in Ecbatana for long so make your decision now: Return home rich, or stay with me, and not only win even greater wealth but glory as well.
From the Archive
Codrus: The king whose favourite kind of sacrifice is himself
Athens was rocked today by an earthquake. The news that Codrus had tried to take the place of a prisoner who was about to executed for some crime or another in the mistaken belief that if he survived the Dorians would one day conquer Athens made no impact on anyone whatsoever as Athenians are used to Codrus’ acts of self sacrifice and, if they are being honest, it rather bores them.
The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind schedule as she likes to do it slllooooow
Dear La etc etc
I get turned on by volcanoes. Is this normal?
Yours Who Loves to Rock and Be Rocked
There is nothing wrong with being aroused by an volcano – just as long as you remember that your wife / prostitute is only going to be interested in another kind of spurt.
Lady Ap etc etc
On how to tell a story
III. Appropriate Stories for Children
I have received the following correspondence.
I have a son aged six and a daughter, 8. He is of a nervous disposition. I did not know this until I told him the story of Orestes and Elektra; now, he wonders about the house with a haunted look, worried that his sister will kill his mother and make the Erinyes come after him. Please could you publish this letter as a warning to other parents: be careful what tales you tell your children! The wrong ones could cause them great suffering!
I am happy to publish this letter although not as a warning. The truth is, we live in a world where children need to grow up fast. Violence is an essential part of our world and so the earlier they are exposed to it the better. In my opinion, [Redacted] did the right thing in reading the Oresteia to his son. If it doesn’t kill him the story will almost certainly make him a strong fighter as an adult. It may also make him psychologically damaged as well but that isn’t my problem.
I like to practice what I preach, so if you would like to read some of my stories for children, visit my ‘Storify’ page here.
The Big Question
Last week, 7 out of 10 Macedonians voted that they would rather be assailed by brigands than Alexander’s badass mother. This week’s competitor is a thunder bolt – the weapon of Zeus himself.
Why should you fear Olympias more than Zeus? Well, statistically speaking, the chances of being struck by lightening are a whole lot less than being given a tongue lashing and then murdered by the queen. If you don’t believe us, just ask Philip II [Are you sure this is appropriate for the Camp Notices? - Eumenes]
Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting on the next hemera heliou in Amyntas Africanus’ tent to continue their series looking at the Roman consuls. This week, Marcus Horatius Pulvillus comes under the candle light. Pulvillus was the third suffect of the newly established Roman Republic in the twenty-eighth year of Amyntas I (replacing Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus who died in office). He may also have served as Pontifex Maximus. Using this as his springboard, Amyntas Superbus will be asking the question, ‘Is religion politics, and politics religion?’
- Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus would like to thank Aristobulos for making a model of the Tarpeian Rock, complete with toy prisoners to throw off. The model will be auctioned at the meeting.
The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 8
A quiet meeting last week (and the cancellation of the WS Ultras’ pankration and wine competition) saw only four deaths as a result of drink-stabbing accidents. The club will be aiming to correct this at the next meeting on the next hemera selenes when it holds a special open-session for residents of Ecbatana, so that they might come and experience this little slice of Macedonian “culture”.
Wine and Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Areos, the WinPuSoc will be looking at being beaten to death and how one delivers the ‘kick that kills’ both literally and figuratively.
The League of Amazing Eunuchs
The LAE will be meeting in the Aegae Wine Tent on the next hemera Hermu to hear Bagoas give a talk about his namesake and fellow eunuch who became the vizier for Artaxerxes III (who reigned from the first to twenty-first regnal year of Philip II) before overthrowing him in favour of Darius III Codomannus.
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Will be holding a special ‘goodbye’ party on the next hemera Dios for all the mothers whose husbands have decided to leave Alexander’s service. Donations to pay for the party and parting presents will be sought from all husbands; Cleopatra of the UMM knows you will all be generous. It goes without saying that she also knows where you live.
Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
Next hemera Aphrodites the KkS will be holding a symposium on ‘The Beauty of Cacophony’. The meeting will take place in Ugly Amyntas’ tent but will also involve a walk to the Pella and Aegae Wine Tents to compare the levels of noise in each. Guests are asked not to stay behind and get drunk.
Pock Chop Soc
In the light of our arrival in Ecbatana the PCS will be meeting on the next hemera Khronu to discuss “Who was the greatest king: Croesus, Astyages, or Nebuchadnezzar II?”. Croesus had his wealth, Astyages brought stability, Nebuchadnezzar built the ‘hanging gardens’ of Babylon. They ruled in life together, but who, in death, had most impact upon the world before Cyrus the Great overthrew their empires?
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“May all the gods whom I settled in their sacred centres ask daily of Bêl and Nâbu that my days be long and may they intercede for my welfare. … The people of Babylon blessed my kingship, and I settled all the lands in peaceful abodes.”
Always pray for your ruler