The King Says
|Me. Your king.
I am delighted to write my first column for the Camp News. I believe it is important to keep you all informed as to the issues affecting you all as members of my army. Generally speaking the news will be good, if not downright glorious, but occasionally there will be need to raise difficult matters.
Unfortunately, today is such a day. Last night, sporadic acts of violence against Babylonians took place across my city – particularly against those of Persian descent. This was not good. It was not good because I did not order it. To those who say that the gods did you are reminded that I am a god and therefore know what they are thinking better than you.
I also have the power to have you killed if I don’t like you, so bear that in mind as well.
To lighten the mood, I will be sponsoring a series of Olympic Wine Games over the coming days. As you might guess, these will be just like the Olympic Games, but with wine. If anyone has any ideas for specific contests, let me know; however, drunken javelin throwing and wrestling have already been considered and accepted. Drunken poetry recitation has been rejected as being too dangerous to the dignity of the great poetic works.
1. An Amazonian merchant has suggested that we print slogans on our tunics. The king finds this to be an odd idea, but here are some ideas that his senior officers and other have come up with:
Front: Raze Thebes
Back: Smash Persephone!
Thank you Ptolemy
Front: Women Got Soul
Thank you Thaïs
(Is that just a slogan or political statement? Please check – Eu.)
Front: I’ve Got One, Have You?
Thank you Antigonus
Front: Sexy as Π
Thank you Euridike
Front: Alexander Conquers
Back: Wine Reigns
Thank you again to Ptolemy
Front: Flower Today
Back: Field Tomorrow
Thank you Craterus
Front: Come And Take Them
Thank you Cleopatra of the UMM
2. By The Gods – literally! All old stock has been reduced to clear. Come to the Royal Palace Courtyards this weekend to buy cheap icons of Zeus, Hera and all of the Olympians. Aristander has assured us that your prayers are equally valid if prayed to a damaged icon so come along – Everything Must Go!
WANTED: Discreet men to join the royal intelligence service.
Duties will involve: Spying on anyone the king tells you to (incl. Macedonians).
Sacrifices will involve: Not drinking and spurting out everything you know in the PWT of an evening. Possibly being stabbed in the back in a dark alley/woodland in the rain behind enemy lines.
Punishments will involve: Impaling if you do get drunk and spill the vomit.
Rewards will involve: Money. Lots of; Drink. Lots of. Women. Lots of. (NB: Glory. None.)
Smart Thinkers only required for this work. Therefore, if you can break the following code, speak to Hephaestion in the Royal Palace on Saturday night* and he will induct you into the corp:
Athenians Are Twits
Clue: The answer is staring you in the face.
* but only if you see a diadem wrapped round the king’s throne in the afternoon, otherwise it is not safe and the induction will be cancelled.
4. A new craze has started – Flash Macedonian War Cries. A number of mothers and children were alarmed to be confronted by our fearsome war cry accompanied by a clashing of spears while in the palace market place this week. While the king supports all affirmations of the Macedonian warrior spirit, he does ask that you not get carried away and nearly spear crying babies while taking part. This happened on several occasions this week and was distressing to the people involved.
5. Aristander apologies profusely for forgetting to turn up to his own lecture about the blessed goddess Mnemosyne on Tuesday. It will be rescheduled.
|Papyrus Plant. Craterus cries when it is pulled out of the ground.
6. If you MUST steal wine from the king’s cellars, for the love of Dionysus do not stay in the cellars to drink it afterwards. Rather, take the amphora(e) and go hide yourself in the city somewhere.
Of course, the king would rather you didn’t steal his possessions and oblige him to execute you but understands that people do stupid things. He does not understand, however, why they must be so stupid as to stay in the cellars and get paralytically drunk in what is a rat infested location. Especially since the rats will nibble to death anything living that does not move. This happened to two men last week and was an extreme shock to the servants who discovered their gnarled remains the next day.
3 for 2 papyri offer at the Mobile Library and Bookshop
Publication of Prometheus Triumphant
Book I – Fan Fiction by Thaïs of Athens
γ. The Ranting Grain Brains
at the Pella Wine Tent.
“The original – and still the best – group of Greek ranters make their Babylon debut. What do they do?
Rant. How Do I Get Them To Rant?
You pay them 5 drachma in advance / 10 drachma on the night and give them a statement (*optional) and they will rant about it for ten minutes flat. Add 20 drachma to the fee and the whole group will rant together, and possibly even fight. NO FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS. MONEY RETURNED IF NOT SATISFIED (Not necessarily suitable for children).”
δ. The Stageirathon
Where slaves become kings, whores become queens, religion is a madness and mathematics is made exciting. One night of topsy turvy mayhem in the Royal Palace.8. Vegetable, Herbs and Fruit: A Disputation
To be held by the Guild of Amateur Philosophers in the Aegae Wine Tent on Sunday. Do you have a favourite? Examples of each produce will be available to sample prior to the debate. Attendees are encouraged to bring to and share their own amphora of wine at this event.
9. Sexy Euridike will be leading a masterclass in Rome: Total War Bastard tactics all next week. Between Monday and Wednesday she will cover as many of the different versions of the games as time allows for. Between Thursday and Sunday next weekend she will demonstrate her knowledge and mastery of the game by taking on all comers. Anyone who beats her will be allowed to kiss her. If you lose, however, well, you know what happened to those who raced Atalanta.
The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (up one place)
4. The Histories Herodotus (down one place)
5. Anabasis Xenophon (no change)
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“I brought the Law, and the Law won.”
|Hammurabi: Laying it down legal