|War: pay as you go|
1. The King has become aware of a new game among his officers – Smash and Grab – in which victims are seduced so that their possessions can be stolen. This game is hereby outlawed.
2. The king writes: For the avoidance of doubt, General Wolfe is not actually a general. It is just his name. If your friends tell you that you must salute him when he passes, they are LYING. Do not fall for this trick. I am looking at you, Leonnatus.
3. If you hear Parmenion singing ‘The Rhythm is going to get you’, don’t panic. Rhythm is not a new god. You do not need to rush to the temple. It is a song he has learnt from somewhere or other.
4. Can you read and write? Would you like to study the Classics? See Ptolemy son of Lagus in the Pella Wine Tent on any given night to sign up to his new course. Discover why Minoa fell. Thrill to the plays of Aeschylus. Laugh at Hesiod. Cheer with the Achaians! Get drunk the night before your exam and fail it then do it all over again!
5. Futurism. A new competition. What do you think the world will be like in a hundred years, five hundred, or even a thousand? Answers to Perdiccas for statistical analysis leading to probable conjecture. Or something.
The Astrological Society would like to apologise in advance for its next meeting being delayed by a week. This will be due to circumstances unforeseen except through the stars.
The Pork Chop Soc’ will be meeting next Wednesday in the PWT to discuss whether or not the wine trade should be regulated, and if so, how.
The UMM will be holding a Buy or Die Sale to raise money for veterans wanting to go home next Sunday in the Temple precinct. For those unfamiliar with Buy or Die sales, the concept is simple. You buy something or you die. See? NB: This event is not covered by Olympias’ Rules so men may attend.
The Brotherhood of Cooks are delighted to announce a special talk by Craterus on the subject of ‘the use of flowers in good cooking’ this Monday in the Dinner Hall Tent.
7. It recently came to the attention of the senior Macedonian command that fights have been taking place between supporters of the Xenophon and Herodotus Societies stemming from arguments over the relative merits of these two historians. While debate is to be commended, the murder of men just because he thinks that giant ants really do exist, is not. Both societies are, therefore, put on notice that unless their behaviour improves, their societies will be suppressed.
8. Camp Notices can exclusively reveal that Sophocles was not a woman. Now, move on.
9. ‘Amusing’ graffiti seen in Babylon.
Nobody knows I’m a Lesbian
Practice safe sex – kill her husband first
A flagon a day keeps your friends away
Electra kills me!
10. Counselling Service. For soldiers who always seem to be in the back row of the phalanx and never see any or enough action. The king understands your pain. Do not feel left out and humiliated when your friends talk about what they did at the front of the phalanx. Seek counselling. The counselling service offers one-on-one meetings to discuss your anger and frustration plus cheap rates for hunting expeditions where you can take out your anger and quench your thirst for blood on wild animals. In extreme cases, counsellors will recommend to your field commander that you go into the front rows of the phalanx next time out.
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“All is fair in love and war, but not a game of Rome: Total War Bastard.”
(Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus)