1. By order of the king, the Egyptian Cat is permitted to sleep wherever in Babylon that she wants, excluding the temple.
2. The Secretary of the Pork Chop Soc’ wishes to inform members that their subs are due this week. He advises that if these are not paid on time offenders’ names will be entered into the register of Friends of the Athenian Hegemony. He adds, “Ha ha.”
3. Craterus writes: “It has come to my attention that drunk Macedonians have been tying rope around their waists and hanging themselves from the walls of the hanging gardens. This is not funny and in fact disrespectful to the legend of Queen Semiramis. As well as the flowers contained within the garden. If I catch anyone engaged in this ‘sport’, I will hang them from their necks and see how they like that.”
4. Reports that Cambyses’ Army has recently single-handedly fought and beaten a Bactrian army remain unconfirmed but is being investigated.
5. Parmenion will be comparing a night of drum ‘n’ lyre music in the Pella Wine Tent this weekend. He promises ‘breakneck beats, macho strokes and vicious voices’ from the finest musicians in Babylon.
6. Spears and Arrows is pleased to announce that it is sponsoring a series of talks on the development of modern weaponry. All lectures will be given by Eumenes of Thrace:
Lecture One: Sticks and Stones: On Primitive Weaponry
Lecture Two: Cop That: The Rise of Bronze
Lecture Three: Any Old Iron: The New Way, Or The Dead Way
Lecture Four: Many Points, One Conclusion: King Philip and the Sarissa
Lecture One takes place on Thursday in the royal palace courtyard. Lecture Four will take place wherever the current king is not.
7. We will be receiving a delegation from the land of Judea this week. The Israelites have odd religious views, being believers in a single god, but have a right to courtesy nonetheless. Make sure you provide it.
8. If you are approached by anyone who says that they can show you how to get rich by drinking, please ignore or kill them: THIS IS A SCAM. All that will happen is that you will get drunk and they will steal your money. The king recognises that it is hard for Macedonians to resist an excuse to drink, especially if it involves money, but in this case, it should be done.
9. We welcome to the world, Amyntas son of Amyntas. Amyntas Sr is a Third Row Phalangist. We caught up with him to see what being a new father is like.
Camp Notices: So, Amyntas, congratulations. What is it like being a father?
Amyntas Sr: It is hard to say, I am still celebrating! Last night I f***ed the most amazing Babylonian whore!
Camp Notices: Er… how do you think fatherhood will change your life?
Amyntas Sr: I will certainly drink harder and fight harder from now on. Not that I wasn’t doing so before, but I want my boy to be proud of me.
Camp Notices: And what of your wife, how is she?
Amyntas Sr: Who? Oh, she’s fine. Can’t wait to f*** her again.
Camp Notices: It seems that fatherhood has not changed you at all, unless it is to make you even more vulgar.
Amyntas Sr. I resent that. I slept with that whore last week as well.
Camp Notices: Hmm.
Editor’s Comment: It seems Macedonians have a little way to go before they can be called refined.
10. Win 1 Talent! The person to pin the spear on Pausanias while blind folded closest to the spot where he was stabbed to death after assassinating King Philip gets the money. The competition will be held in the Pella Wine Tent tomorrow.
Thought for the Week:
“I can’t think without a flagon of wine in my hand.”
(Plato – attributed)