The King’s Speech
From Alexander, greetings.
Welcome to the latest edition of the Camp Notices. It comes with an exciting relief of me taming Bucephalas, which I am sure you will like. If you don’t, come and see me when I am in a bad mood.
As you will be aware, scammers are always out there waiting to take advantage of the silly, ignorant, and unlucky. Their latest effort is a competition being run in the wine tents – particularly Pella and Aegae – late at night. That is your first clue that something is not quite right as who would launch a competition among a bunch of drunks? Your second clue is that the competition is titled “Win The Chance To Be A Slave for a Year!”
Think about it.
Please do not pay the 5 drachma entry fee to answer the ‘incredibly difficult question’, which usually is ‘Name the king’ otherwise you will likely lose a lot more than your money and liberty.
In better news, happy birthday to Sexy Euridike who celebrates her 25th this week. I don’t go in for birthdays much but it is always nice to see Euridike with a smile on her face. It gives hope to a lot of men, including – I’ll say it – me.
What’s Making Electra Mad?
New feature. Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
Tues: The sun
Weds: Echoing effect of amphitheatres
Sat: Grave gifts
Sun: Grecian urns
After a 500+ year wait, the Melon Company of Aegae will finally release the mPad this week. Demand is sure to be high so be prepared for long queues at the Mobile Bookshop and Library. The m (for Melon or Macedonia, take your pick) Pad will feature lots of great new features such as COLOUR reliefs, the ‘trag-stand’ – a function that you can use to read the famous plays of Euripides et al, and an updated version of the iWax device that you can use to send messages to your friends (via slave or servant).
* The mPad will NOT feature the EverCurse application which has been outlawed by the king.
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM would like to thank all those who bought a cake or slave at their recent sale. One talent was raised for the UMM, which is a very impressive amount. The names of those who walked by have been noted and their wives invited to a performance of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.
How did we get this far without a wine appreciation society? Well, we did, but now, thanks to Ptolemy, there is one. Membership to the Wine Soc costs 10 drachmas per month. Benefits include FREE WINE and lots of it. Membership is limited to 100 men so join now to avoid disappointment and social isolation.
Congratulations to the Red Apis Bull charioteering team which won the Chariot 1 title this week at the Jerusalem GP. The RAB team have many supporters here in Babylon who I am sure will want to celebrate their triumph. They are reminded that this should not include impromptu bull jumping contests over untrained bulls as this may scare the animal and lead to injury or death.
Pella Theatre Group
The players of the PTG will be re-enacting the death of Socrates this week in the Royal Palace. Please note, real hemlock will not be used. Patrons too stupid to realise that they are actors are advised not to attend unlike last time when a riot was caused by their disappointment.
GOD OF THE WEEK
What is he god of? Healing
Relevance to Macedonians? He is our favourite god after a hard battle
Does Alexander like him? As long as he heals those whom Alexander loves, yes
Any grounds not to take him seriously? The common cold
Recommended Prayer (never known to fail):
Asclepius, I am feeling ill.
I think I ate a dodgy pill;
Save me from this bout of farts,
So I can visit my favourite tarts
Drachma Catechism by Aristander (pt 2)
11. How are you to know what the gods have revealed?
I am to know what the gods have revealed by the utterance of the Delphic Oracle.
12. Who gave the Delphic Oracle authority to speak?
Apollo gave the Oracle authority to speak, when he jumped into the boat of the Cretans and told them to follow him to the place where riches awaited them.
13. What are the chief things which the gods have revealed?
Don’t mess with us and maybe we’ll let you live. Maybe.
14. Say Apollo’s Creed
Apollo did not have a creed, but he did have many hymns written to him. Here is one:
The sleepless Hours who watch me as I lie,
Curtained with star-inwoven tapestries,
From the broad moonlight of the sky,
Fanning the busy dreams from my dim eyes,–
Waken me when their Mother, the grey Dawn,
Tells them that dreams and that the moon is gone.
Then I arise, and climbing Heaven’s blue dome,
I walk over the mountains and the waves,
Leaving my robe upon the ocean foam;
My footsteps pave the clouds with fire; the caves
Are filled with my bright presence, and the air
Leaves the green Earth to my embraces bare.
The sunbeams are my shafts, with which I kill
Deceit, that loves the night and fears the day;
All men who do or even imagine ill
Fly me, and from the glory of my ray
Good minds and open actions take new might,
Until diminished by the reign of Night.
I feed the clouds, the rainbows, and the flowers,
With their ethereal colors; the Moon’s globe,
And the pure stars in their eternal bowers,
Are cinctured with my power as with a robe;
Whatever lamps on Earth or Heaven may shine,
Are portions of one power, which is mine.
I stand at noon upon the peak of Heaven;
Then with unwilling steps I wander down
Into the clouds of the Atlantic even;
For grief that I depart they weep and frown:
What look is more delightful than the smile
With which I soothe them from the western isle?
I am the eye with which the Universe
Beholds itself, and knows it is divine;
All harmony of instrument or verse,
All prophecy, all medicine, is mine,
All light of art or nature; – to my song
Victory and praise in its own right belong.
(From All Poetry)
15. How is Apollo’s Creed divided?
Into heroic hexameters.
16. What lesson do we draw from the hymn?
The first article of the Creed is, ‘I am Apollo, deceit killer and creative Master of creation’.
17. What is Apollo?
Apollo is the supreme god of creative arts and, obviously, deceit killer.
18. Why is Apollo called supreme?
Apollo is called ‘supreme’ because he inspires all poets, everywhere, all the time.
19. Why is Apollo called deceit killer?
Because his hymn said so!
20. Has Apollo any beginning?
Yes. He is the offspring of Zeus and Leto.
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“Greatest, however, is water.”
(Is that correct? – Alexander)