Camp Notices – Hephaestion’s Edition

old grumpy face

Hephaestion Amyntoros, commander of the Somatophylakes, Writes:

Greetings. We have come a long way since leaving Macedon three years ago; a long way on foot, a long way on horse, and a very long way in mind and spirit. Indeed, after the battles to avenge Greece at the Granicus and Pinarus Rivers, and  at Gaugamela, I feel confident in saying this: we have travelled so far that we are no longer the same people who left our beautiful home land behind.

Do not misunderstand me: I am not saying that we are no longer Macedonians. We are. But now we have become something greater: Renewers. Of Macedon. Of Greece. Of civilisation.

Some of you have been asking if – now that Babylon has been conquered by the king – it is now time to return home. When the time comes for us to turn round the king will give the order. Until then, do not waste time that looking behind you. Look ahead. To Susa. And Persepolis. Look to the wealth that Alexander will soon claim for you. If these cities oppose us, look to the glory that you will win with him in subduing them.

Look. A god walks among us. A king rides at our head. The world trembles and evil falls. This is what it means to be a true Macedonian. To look, and to conquer; to look, and to change; to look, and to be: Alexander.

Am I drinking on a table next to you? You'll soon find out!

Gossip by The Macedonian who came in from the Pella Wine Tent 
* Look. Did you see Hephaestion lighten up just once while he wrote his editorial? No, neither did I. Surprise.
* Did you hear the one about Sexy Euridike requesting that men donate their bodies to her for scientific experimentation if they were killed in war? Half the camp offered to do so as long as they could donate them before they died! Lust.
Which member of the High Command is having noisy dreams about how he misses his mother, Parmenion? Baby.
* The rumour going round that Eumenes lost a game of Rome: Total War Bastard that he was playing with himself is untrue. Shame. [Editor’s Note: refute this accusation completely. It was a draw!]
* Queen Olympias is Friends with 100 snakes on Kingscroll and just one human – Pausanias of Orestis. Oops.

What’s Making Electra Mad This Week?


Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
 hemera heliou: Dust
hemera selenes: Israel
hemera Areos: Clay
hemera Hermu: The dawn of time
hemera Dios: Rabbits
hemera Aphrodites: Cassandra
hemera Khronu: Iron

Who knew that Electra also part timed as a counsellor? In this new feature, we dip into the archives to see how she was able to help her poor readers. Usually, not well.

Dear Electra,
We are the joint kings of a small but proud country in southern Greece. War has ravaged us. In light of this, do you have any advice regarding what policies we should pursue in the future?
Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre.

Dear Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre,
In such a state, my friends, one cannot be moderate and restrained nor pious either. Evil is all around me, evil is what I am compelled to practice.

(Editor’s Note: Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre began oppressing their people and were assassinated not long later.)

The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. Anabasis Xenophon (up two places)
4. The Histories Herodotus (down one place)
5. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (down one place)

‘Sappho’ will be appearing at the Mobile Bookshop tis Monday to sign copies of her Collected Poetry (Ptollers, Royal Road Press, Alexander’s 5th Regnal Year). Queues are expected, so come early to avoid disappointment; no weapons allowed in store. No propositions or proposals of marriage will be accepted.

Society Notices

The Union of Macedonian Mothers

Do you have a some spare time and a chariot? The UMM are organising a special tour of Babylonia for disabled veterans. If you can help them, please speak to Cleopatra.

M The Macedonian Network
There is no truth in the rumour that the new time line feature being rolled out will allow the king’s spies to see whose side you were on when Philip II was assassinated. Having said that, you may want to rub out any embarrassing status updates just in case Alexander does see them when drunk and gets the wrong idea.

The Sword and Wine Society
As usual, the S & W Soc is looking for new members following the deaths of some current ones during the last meeting.

Pork Chop Soc
Will be holding a debate on the nature of whether neat wine is best or if it should be diluted, and if so by how much. This important issue will be discussed in the Aegae Wine Tent on the hemera Areos this week.

Money Management
Helpful tips on how to manage your money wisely

A coin. For saving, not spending. LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.

* Don’t take more than you need to the Pella Wine Tent. Your friends will take advantage; no really, they will. They’ll be drunk and you will be lucky not to end up dead. You can take the man out of Macedon, etc.
* Compare local brothel prices before you make your choice.
* Better still, don’t go to brothels – especially if you are married.
* In fact, just give your money to your wife.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor:  Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“God has entrusted me with the wine.”

Editor’s Note: Some authorities say that this quote may not be what Epictetus actually said.

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