The King’s Speech
As you are all aware, three nights ago, the royal palaces of Persepolis were burned to the ground. How it happened is not important, but I understand that some Macedonians have been expressing regret that it did. They are to be commended for their charity towards the capital of the Persian empire; however, lest anyone feel shame over it, I would remind them that Persepolis was the home of the hateful kings who conspired to invade Greece and put her cities to the sword. The fate of the palaces, therefore, was just and gods-willed. We would all do well to put aside our emotions and sacrifice to the spirits of our fathers who were brave in their resistance to wicked Persian rule.
Moving on to more important matters, I am pleased to confirm that there will be games to celebrate our conquering of the Persian Empire; before you ask, no, speed drinking will NOT be one of sports.
What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
hemera heliou hoplite warfare
hemera selenes dossers
hemera Areos barter
hemera Hermu pottery
hemera Dios over cooked chicken
hemera Aphrodites dialects (esp. Dorian)
hemera Khronu toenails
This column is sponsored by the Erinyes, “Delivering real vengeance upon real people”.
Stolen. The King’s Theatre Company reports the theft of linen strips used for its plays. If you see Oedipus the Tyrant please inform Amyntas of the KTG.
Missing. Amyntas Son of Amyntas. Last seen drunk in the Pella Wine Tent declaring that he wanted to parade in front of the Spartans along with ‘his brother’ helots.
Found. A phallus of unusually small size in the Pella Wine Tent toilets. Any man who dares to claim it is welcome to do so.
Scams. If anyone approaches you saying they have found Archilochus’ shield and offer it to you for sale do not buy it as it is a fake.
Laughter. It can be confirmed that the otherwise miserable Seleucus has published his new joke:- “Did you hear the one about the emo Symposium? They all drank water!”. How we laugh.
The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. The Histories Herodotus (up one place)
4. Anabasis Xenophon (up two places)
5. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (no change)
The Iliad continues its 500 year dominance at the top of the chart. Most excitingly, Herodotus has taken Xenophon’s third place. It has been fascinating seeing them swap positions for the last sixty or so years; just like a real life duel, in fact, except, of course, that no one ever dies. Thucydides remains solid in fifth place, continuing to deny Pindar a place in the top five. Hesiod remains the least bought or borrowed scroll on account of his miserableness.
The Wine Sarissa Club
Meets every hemera Areos in the Pella Wine Tent for wine and spear related chat, and practical demonstrations. The club is working hard to improve safety for members. Blind drunk members are now only allowed to join the practical demonstrations for a maximum of sixty minutes.
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Meets every hemera Aphrodites in the tent of Cleopatra of the UMM for all female-centric discussion. Recent topics have included ‘How to block out the sound of the wailers on your wedding night’, ‘Proper Spindle Maintenance’, and ‘Veils in the wind – a tale of embarrassment and revealing’
Pork Chop Soc
Meets every hemera dios in the back of the PWT. This week’s discussion will be:- “How would you carve up a country made totally of mountains?”
Engineering and the Chicken Society
Meets every hemera Khronu in the Aegae Wine Tent. Led by Aristobulos. Every week, Aristobulos attempts to build a structure using only food as building material. On the next h.k. he will reconstruct King Mausolus’ tomb. As ever, once the structure has been built, it will be given to Aristobulos’ pet chicken to eat.
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“I’ve lost my food in my beard again.”
(Too many Greek men to mention)