The King’s Speech
If the fate of King Midas teaches us that good may sometimes be bad we would do well to wonder if the reverse might also be true. It would not be a wasted exercise. Take foul tasting medicine, a strict instructor or my war of revenge against Persia. Yes, they may have been hard to swallow, hard to obey, and hard to survive but what happened when you stood firm and stayed the course – health, expertise, and glory.
However, depending on circumstance, a man may never have to take medicine, be taught by a strict tutor, or go to war. He will, however, without question, come into the company of women. Our fathers have taught us that the proper place of women is in the home, and that women may not on pain of punishment step outside this rôle; those who do are regarded as being dangerous to the well-being of society.
But times are changing. Solon gave women the right (under certain circumstances) to inherit property; my mother shows that a woman can rule. Praxiteles, of whose death I was this week informed, was the first sculptor to show us that the female nude is a thing of beauty and worthy of note just as much as the male is. Times are changing, and we must change with them.
As a man you may well be superior to women but as much as they deserve your protection they also deserve your respect. Therefore, I exhort you to follow my example; treat the women you know and female strangers alike with kindness. In no circumstance do they pose any danger that is greater than our failure to treat them with compassion and with love. And when that happens, we become our own worst enemy. The danger of women are men. Let it not be so.
What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
The Camp Notices is practising its irony by having this column straight after Alexander’s but the fact is that Elektra is still finding things to be mad about.
This column is sponsored by Alecto
Book chart – Female List
Yes, The Iliad remains number one for the three hundred and something or another year in the general chart but what does the “women only” list look like?
1. Sappho Collected Poems
2. Anaximenes of Lampsacus Speech for the Prosecution (Illustrated Edition)
3. Aspasia of Miletus Meticulously Yours: Politics, Prostitutes and Pericles
4. Cynisca of Sparta My Olympics
5. Olympias of Epirus An Unauthorised Biography [Leonnatus please read this and make sure it is complimentary. I do not want to be crucified by Alexander if it is not – Eumenes]
Good Sex Guide
By Lady Aphrodite Who Does it Behind Xerxes’ Palace with any man who has the talent
We need more female musicians; in this edition of the GSG I will explain to the ladies how to blow the flute without breaking it
1. Do not bite; simply press your lips to the flute softly
2. Do not blow. I know we are ‘blowing the flute’ but this is done first by playing it with your tongue
3. Blow down the shaft of the flute when your reach the climax of the song
4. Stop for as long as your audience may bear then start again!
Helen who is Lady Aphrodite who etc etc
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
On behalf of the UMM I, Cleopatra, would like to thank Alexander for his kind words in this week’s Camp Notices. Contrary to popular rumour the UMM will not be sponsoring a performance of Lysistrata to celebrate so called women’s power. Being forced to deprive one’s husband of what we both enjoy (yes, we do; why is this so hard to believe?) is not good. Instead, over the next few weeks, we will be updating our proscription list so that you men – or, the ones who survive – are left in no doubt regarding our strength.
Sleep tight, boys!
The Secret Distaff Society
The Secret Distaffians will be holding an open meeting in the ruins of Xerxes’ Palace two hours before sunset on the next hemera Hermu for all men who wish to learn how to spin flax. The SDS is a male-only club that exists to initiate men into What Women Get Up To While Men In The Agora. Believe it or not, your wife is probably not having an affair but making your new clothes. This is how she does it.
The Wine Sarissa Club
Tomorrow, we will be holding a special meeting in the Aegae Wine Tent for women to see our collection of sarissas. Exhibits will include,
- Philip II’s personal, engraved sarissa
- A sarissa reputed to belong to Herakles
- Sari, the sarissa that inspired Ptolemy son of Lagos to write his first story
- Over ten different models of actual wine sarissas – all used in WSC initiation rites; there will be a demonstration of this rite after sundown. Deaths will be expected.
Pork Chop Soc
In advance of Alexander’s message regarding women, the Pork Chop Soc carried out a survey to find out how women would carve up the world were they given the chance to run it. Amyntas of the Ultimate Partitioning will give a talk tonight on the results which will surprise and, if we are being honest, disappoint, all men deeply. Women uniformly opted for peace and co-operation with one another rather than war and conquest; you can be sure that we will not dwell on this but will spend most of the evening drinking wine out of amphorae in the shape of female bodies.
Sisters of the Sarissa Queen
Would you like to learn how to hold your own sarissa and stab stupid men with it? Find me in the shadows of the AWT and we’ll talk… SQ [Leonnatus, how much were you paid to run this advert? Was it really equal to the cost of our lives if ANY man sees it, let alone the king-? Eumenes]
Engineering and the Chicken Soc
On the hemera heliou Aristobulos will carve a reproduction of Praxiteles’ famous Aphrodite of Knidos out of mashed fruit. Due to the erotic nature of this work, only married women will be permitted to attend the demonstration. In accordance with club rules, immediately after the meeting is over the work will be fed to Aristobulos’ chicken. Any man who attempts to copulate with the statue in the intervening period will be arrested.
Face of Our Mothers
Sappho of Lesbos
Notes and Theories
I have heard that Alexander is responsible for his father’s assassination; is this true? The justification for this argument was that he had most to gain from it.
– [name withheld by editor for the idiot writer’s safety. Let him not forget this]
No, he didn’t; Persian gold caused Pausanias to murder Philip. Tell that story again and we know which tent you live in.
I have just discovered that Meleager is the commander of my taxeis. I thought I would share this as no-one else seems to know it. Or him.
– Amyntas of the Untidy Tent
Thank you for sharing that information; not that anyone will remember it.
I saw Darius III in the kitchen of the Pella Wine Tent last night; I think he is hiding there right under our noses! Please can I have permission to burn it down?
Only if you don’t mind being impaled if, as is likely, it isn’t him but an innocent chef; your call.
Solon’s reforms would not have been overturned had he not gone abroad; he was the wisest man who ever lived
– Naïf Amyntas
Never pursue a political career, Amyntas; you would be a fish in the mouth of sharks.
My friends and I were in the PWT a few nights ago and we got into an argument over where the boundary between Europe and Asia should be. Those of my friends who survived the ensuing fight argued for the Dardanelles but I really do think the Red Sea would be better due to its great length. What do you think?
– Thoughtful Amyntas
N&T congratulates you on holding a serious conversation in the PWT; however, you are wrong. It ought to be the Dardanelles due to Asia Minor being full of barbarians. Except the cities on its eastern coast, would you like them to be regarded as Greek? Would you?
Women are great; in fact, they are the equal of men. There, I said it.
– Ptolemy son of Lagos
You are funnier than Seleucus! Yes, Alexander has praised them but steady on, soldier! Go and have another flagon of wine.
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“Her hair shone with the light of the sun, and her soul with the grace of the heavens.”