The King’s Speech
This week, the Union of Macedonian Mothers won the monthly Harder Than Sparta award for their continued success in telling men what to do, when to do it, and how to please their wives and not get their throats cut.
As it happens, in the five years since I came to the throne of Macedon no one except the UMM has won the award. You might think that this renders it meaningless; I say let’s focus on the number of lives that the UMM has saved through its policy of engagement and, when that has failed, happy use of main force.
Of course, a fair few of the men whom the UMM has saved have gone on to accidentally kill themselves during meetings of the Wine Sarissa Club. For that reason, the award of Most Likely To Die Before Alexander’s Next Major Battle went to every WSC member. The WSC has been as successful in this category as the UMM has in the Harder Than Sparta one so the award is very well earned.
For the sake of my expedition, however, I would like to remind WSC members that the award is for ‘Most Likely’; there is no need for you to prove yourself worthy of the award by going on a ‘drink and spear’ session. No one has ever survived a “D&S” session. The chances of doing so are so minimal not even criminals sentenced to death go on one. Do the right thing by me, yourself, and your wife – stick to drinking out of a sarissa tip. It’s good, clean fun (mostly).
Cleopatra of the UMM: If you hear of any men who fail to obey the above order, you have my permission to practice on them for next month’s Harder Than Sparta award.
This Week’s Top Trending Tent Topics
What are they talking about in the Aegae and Pella Wine Tents?
Congratulations to the fifty-eight people called Amyntas who got married this week. Bad luck to the brides who got confused and married the wrong man.
Soldiers are asked to desist from trying to stab stray dogs with their sarissas or spears of an evening due to the number of injuries being caused to their fellow men as they pass by.
The king has become aware of illegal pankration matches taking place in the ruins of Xerxes’ palace and other dark places. The first rule of illegal pankration matches is that you do not keep quiet about your victories. Yes, the fight was illegal, and you may be executed if found guilty of the offence but the king wants to know who the best fighters are; partly for betting purposes, and so that he can promote those fighters who killed their opponents with especial speed or effectiveness. Don’t worry about the law – the king is the law, and if he likes you, you live.
Coenus will be giving a talk on the hemera heliou this week on ‘How to feel fear like an Athenian’. This perennially popular talk will be followed by a re-enactment of Athenians being scared in a variety of situations.
As people have been asking, yes, Alexander still disapproves of beards.
Confirmation has been received that Demaratus started crying with joy after he woke up following a good night’s sleep yesterday.
What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
The sun rises, the sun falls; Elektra remains mad as Herakles. What is making her mad this week?
hemera selenes Puppies
hemera Areos Oak leaves
hemera Hermu Sedge
hemera Dios Ear wax
hemera Aphrodites Smithing
hemera Khronu The second hour
Sponsored by the Erinyes
“Blood eyed bitches, and proud of it”
In this section of the Camp Notices, Alexander’s generals take it in turns to look at the circumstances under which Alexander might lose a battle:
Waiting for Barsine – a new play by Amyntas of the Pella Theatre Group is a one man show based on Alexander waiting for the princess to come and see him. Coming Soon (unlike Barsine).
Dedicated to discussing the words of the Delphic Oracle. On the hemera selenes this week, Pneuma will continue its look at Priestess Aristonike’s oracle to the Athenians as recorded in the seventh scroll of Herodotus’ histories.
Engineering and the Chicken
On the hemera Areos this week, Aristobulos will be recreating the Overhanging Gardens of Babylon using mud and bits of twig. The plants will be crafted using fish, which will be fed to Aristobulos’ chicken after the close of the meeting.
The Pork Chop Soc
On the hemera Hermu, the Pork Choppers will be holding a discussion on Cleisthenes’ democratic reforms in Athens. Speaking for the reforms will be Amyntas of Athens, and against them Perdiccas Son of Orontes.
Society of Shield Maidens and Spear Lords
A chance for girls and boys to learn how to use shields and spears. A new group, run by Ptolemy Son of Lagos and Craterus following the success [is this right? – Ed.] of their reconstruction of the battle at Gaugamela. First class begins on the hemera Dios.
Who Are You?
The Friends of Rome
Is It True the FoR only has two members?
Yes. Amyntas Africanus (“Consul”) and Amyntas Superbus (“Tribune”). The second names are obviously not our real names but acknowledgments of famous Romans.
Why Does the FoR exist?
Many Macedonians don’t take Rome seriously – Alexander calls it a ‘village of mudhuts on the top of seven hills’. But we think great things lie ahead for Rome and Greece ought to be taking her seriously.
Ha ha ha
Hey, you are supposed to be asking us questions!
Alright. What Do You Do?
We meet every week to discuss some aspect of Roman society, history and religion.
How Do Losers Join?
Sorry, ‘losers’?! Because society numbers are still rather low, we meet in Amyntas Africanus’ tent. This also stops us from being laughed at for our beliefs. Everyone is welcome. Even women. We would love to be able to re-enact the Rape of the Sabine Women one day.
Any Last Words?
Please join our society! Rome WILL be important one day; Please, please come! And stop laughing!
No chance. Ha ha ha haaaa!
Face of our Fathers
Liked his hair; a good orator.
Random Facts from Herodotus
by Hephaestion Amyntoros
- Sesostris was the only Egyptian king to rule Ethiopia
- It was Abronichus who brought news of the fate of Leonidas to the Greeks
- When asked by Darius I under what circumstances they would eat the dead bodies of their fathers, the Greeks in his court said they would do it… for not all the money in the world
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
“May you bed down,
Head to breast, upon
of a plush