The King’s Speech
Welcome to this new edition of the Camp Notices. As you will have noticed it is slightly more rough and ready both in appearance and content than usual. This is because it has been put together on the hoof – literally. My thanks go to Ptolemy son of Lagos for hand writing the Notices during today’s ride.
Battles with Darius and our survival allowing, the next few editions of the Notices will be written by Ptollers in this fashion. We will revert to the previous format once Eumenes and the baggage train catch up with us. Until then, please co-operate with him if he asks for your help.
In the meantime, whether you are riding or marching, keep your eyes open for Persians, your spears ready for blood and your worship ready for me.
Amyntas of Lynkestis “I nominate myself. I once drank ten amphorae of wine, without food, one after the other in the Aegae Wine Tent in front of a group of women.”
Amyntas of Bottiæa “Amyntas of Lynkestis reveals only that he himself is actually a woman. I once drank twelve amphorae of wine, then ate the amphorae so that I didn’t miss any wine out; following this, I drank my own urine for the next twelve hours. All in front of my father.”
Amyntas of Pella “What Amyntas of Lynkestis didn’t tell you is that his wine was diluted by sweat while he drank; and what Amyntas of Bottiæa didn’t tell you is that it was raining while he was drinking. I drank twelve amphorae of wine in my tent ensuring that no water got into it by remaining apart from my friends. I then ate the amphorae, drank my urine, drank the urine of my friends just in case they had drunk from the amphorae without my knowledge and licked the sweat off their bodies. In front of my wife.”
Amyntas of Mygdonia “I can’t believe the nonsense I have been hearing. I drank twelve amphorae of wine, ate the amphorae, drank my urine, and my friend’s urine, licked the sweat off my body as well as theirs, then cut myself open and drank my own blood. All in front of my mother. When she collapsed and died of shock, I went into her house and drank her store of wine. I know none of this was much but I am not ashamed.”
Amyntas of Orestes “I am sorry, am I in the Macedonian or Theban army? Right, so I did this. Twelve amphorae, my urine, my friends’ urine, licked the sweat off everyone within a thirty food radius of me just-in-case, and cut myself open and put a tube in my body so that I could keep drinking my own blood forever. After I was revived, I found that my wife had been drinking so I sucked on both her nipples to get her wine, and drank her blood. When she died and I was convicted of murder, I was sentenced to die by drowning – in wine. Except that when my head was put in the barrel I drank it all, so I was let off. With the judge’s permission, I ate the barrel. All in front of my children.”
Amyntas of Lynkestis “Ptolemy, this is why Amyntas of Orestes has no friends. He is always exaggerating.”
We’ve been on the road for nearly four years now. What have been the soldiers’ favourite memories?
1. Winning the battle at Arbela – 42%
2. Pillaging Persepolis – 18%
3. Watching Persepolis burn – 15%
4. Invading Tyre – 8%
_ Fighting whoever, wherever, then drinking afterwards – 8%
6. Smashing Babylonian whores – 5%
7. Seeing the erection of the Pella Wine Tent – 2%
8. Not having to face a tongue lashing from Queen Olympias 1%
_ Watching Alexander ‘untie’ the Gordian knot 1%
All society events may be cancelled if we get wiped out by Darius’ army
Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 3
The WSC will be meeting on the hemera selena after camp has been established. As the hollowed out sarissas are currently in the baggage train, we will simply drinking as much as possible before the moon reaches her zenith. Due to limited supplies, members will be permitted to dilute their wine if they wish, just as long as they do not tell any one that they have done so. We are Macedonians and still have standards to uphold.
Friends of Rome
Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus will be meeting next to the latter’s tent on the next hemera Areos to discuss the consulship of Publius Valerius Poplicola and Titus Lucretius Tricipitinus, which took place in the thirty ninth regnal year of Amyntas I. During this year, Rome was attacked by Lars Porsena on behalf of Tarquinius Superbus in an attempt to restore the monarchy; the meeting will look at how Poplicola and Tricipitinus met and repelled this threat despite the great cost to themselves.
The advantage of being away from the baggage train means NO UMM TO BULLY US! Finally-Free Amyntas invites you to his campfire on the next hemera Hermes to swap lewd stories about your wife. Remember, what goes on the anabasis, stays on the anabasis; Cleopatra of the UMM can’t kill us if she doesn’t know what we’ve been doing!
30 Seconds to Persia
On the next hemera dios, 30SP will be performing songs around the theme of ‘kings and queens’ outside Alexander’s tent. After the performance, Hephaestion will be standing around speaking nicely to everyone while looking bloody sexy. Come for the show, come to see why your wives, mistresses and lovers like him so damned much.
Engineering and the Chicken
On the next hemera Aphrodites, Aristobulus will be building a scale model of the temple at Siwa, which Alexander visited during our stay in Egypt. The model will be made of mud, dirt, water and some of that day’s provisions, which he will be donating to his pet chicken after the model has been completed. All welcome.
- As ever, guests are invited to remain behind after the meeting to which Aristobulus’ chicken eat the edible parts of the model; in the event that the camp is attacked, however, the chicken will be put into a cage while the Persians are beaten up.
The Big Question
Who is harder than Olympias?
Last week, 9 out of 10 Macedonians agreed that Alexander’s badass mother was harder than iron and bronze combined. This week, we pitch the queen…
… the downfall of Minoa
When Minoa was mysteriously destroyed, it did not just kill a few people but an entire civilisation. Who knows what damage this did to the development of Greek thought, trade, military might etc for years into the future? And yet, was it as powerful, awful, and intense an event as Alexander’s mother? Let Ptolemy know your thoughts.
From the Archive
Codrus: The king who just can’t help sacrificing himself
Athens was indifferent today to the overnight news that their king had wrongly interpreted the sound of a house collapsing as proof that the Dorians were invading, and had thrown himself off the acropolis in an effort to save the city. By unlikely good fortune, Codrus landed on the roof of a caravan, which broke his fall, leaving him with only a few broken bones – albeit including both his legs. He was left lying in the street by people who had better things to do than help their obsessive monarch back to the top of the acropolis so that he could try again until the queen came to help him.
Athens is still independent.
The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who is doing it in the baggage train with any number of lucky punters while we search for Darius. Some times life just isn’t fair.
Dear Lady Aphrodit etc etc
My husband serves in the heavy infantry, which has gone on ahead with Alexander. I love sex. How am I supposed to manage until he comes back?
Yours, Devoted To Love
Cry me the Aegean! My dear, there are any number of options for you to gain, if I may use the term, satisfaction. They chiefly involve male prostitutes; come to my tent at the next opportunity for an introduction.
Yours Lady Aphrodite who etc etc
- If any man thinks that ‘Devoted to Love’ is his wife and needs counselling as a result of reading the above advice, please see Ptolemy and he will do what he can to get you drunk.
Edited by Ptolemy son of Lagos