The King’s Speech
“In the course of my reign I have turned Macedon from a weak and divided country into an invincible military power.
- In the first year of my reign I defeated the Paionians and Thracians
- In the third year of my reign I destroyed the Illyrians
- Also in that year I took Amphipolis for my own possession
- In the fourth year of my reign I took Potidaea for my own possession
- Also in that year, I took Philippi, and won its gold mines
- In the sixth year of my reign I took Methone for my own possession
- In the seventh and eighth year of my reign I defeated Phocis
- In the twelfth year of my reign I destroyed Olynthus
- In the eighteenth year of my reign I won Philippopolis for my own possession
- In the twenty-second year of my reign I defeated the Athenians and Thebans, destroying the Sacred Band
- In the twenty-third year of my reign I became hegemon of Greece
“In the twenty-fifth year of my reign I shall destroy the Persian Empire just as it sought to destroy Greece in the reign of my predecessor Alexander I.
“Before we leave Macedon, however, I welcome my brother-in-law Alexander of Epirus to Aegae for his wedding to my daughter Cleopatra. Alexander has long been a close friend, and I am pleased that by agreeing to wed Cleopatra he has turned his back on those who would seek to damage that friendship.
“The gods have granted me their favour, and it is with great pride and humility that I shall walk into the theatre with them in three days time. On that day, and over this happy time, let there be drinking and feasting, rejoicing and praising, friendships formed, and bonds strengthened, as we put aside what separates us, and be penetrated by what unites us.”
Wondering what to make sacrifices and offerings for this week? Let Aristander offer some suggestions
For the continued strength of Macedon and ability to kill all who oppose us
That the ogre under the bed will stay there (it isn’t just children who worry about this)
For the shade of the inventor of the sarissa; may he be given entry into Elysium for the good that he did
That the fish in the Haliacmon and Axius rivers may always be plentiful
For Pausanias of Orestis who has been looking upset recently
For Alexander of Epirus and Cleopatra on their wedding day
For women with wrinkles; what they lose in beauty, may they gain in senior membership of the UMM
Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
“This week we will celebrate the marriage of Philip’s beautiful daughter Cleopatra to Alexander, the most excellent king of Epirus. May Hymen grant them his favour!
“Alexander and Cleopatra’s wedding recalls that happy day last year when Philip himself wedded Euridike, daughter of our dashing strategos Attalus, and who has already given him a true Macedonian heir!
“No half blood heir here. No treacherous son willing to give himself to a minor Asian king simply to spite his glorious father. No. No. May the gods grant Caranus a long and glorious life!
Wine, and at least one loyal Alexander in the kingdom of Macedon? I’ll drink to that!”
ο του οινου αναξ
In the wine tent this week
Exclusive Wail for Wine competition
Can you wail like Cleopatra will on her wedding night? Prove it in the wine tent. The best impression of Cleopatra on her wedding night, will win a month’s supply of wine (The competition will be judged by Our Man in the Wedding Procession; his decision will be final).
This Week’s Guest Wine is ‘Old Semelean’
A fiery drink that is said to make women more fertile and men grant any wish their lover wants.
Macedonians can’t cook; neither can Scythians but they fail with such aplomb we just had to hire four to take care of our kitchen. We look forward to burnt [insert any food here].
Clubs and Societies
Sarissa Wine Club
Club President Amyntas writes,
“Next year we will set off east to give the Persians a good pasting. Why is Macedon so powerful? I’ll tell you why; because we drink neat wine and have the awesome sarissa. The SWC is dedicated to combining these two things for the sake of pure enjoyment and drunkenness. That’s right; we drink out of our sarissas. What of it, you pasty faced Athenian.
“If you would like to join the Sarissa Wine Club come and join us in the wine tent on any night. Membership is free though it may cost you your life. Places are limited but don’t worry, on average we lose five – ten members a week usually to injuries sustained by shoving an iron blade down their throat in an effort to extract the last drop of wine from the hollowed out cornel pole.”
Club membership comes in three grades – Full, Athenian and Female.
- Full Members may drink from a 18 foot sarissa.
- Athenian Members may only use a 15 foot sarissa.
- Female Members may use their husband’s sarissa
Aristobulos and the Chicken
One of the highlights of Alexander of Epirus’ wedding to Cleopatra will be Philip’s entry into the Aegae theatre alongside the dodekatheon.
In honour of this great event, Aristobulos will be making a model of the theatre and procession out of solid gruel and herbs in his house this coming hemera heliou at midday. All are welcome to watch him at work.
Afterwards, you are invited to attend his joint talk with Aristander on ‘Why the gods can be grueling’ (ho ho). Alternatively, guests are welcome to watch his chicken eat the twelve Olympians and theatre.
Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM eagerly awaits the marriage of Alexander and Cleopatra. Why? Because weddings mean mothers, and mothers means members. Thus does our union grow and thus does our power over men increase, which given how useless so many of them are at ruling can only be a good thing.
Sadly, however, due to a lack of educational opportunities we still rely on men to give the majority of our talks, and it is in light of that that I welcome (cough) Ptolemy Lagides to our meeting at the ninth hour next hemera selenes for a talk on the subject of “Opportunities for women in the age of Macedonian dominance”. Ptolemy was taught by Aristotle and I am sure will give a challenging and insightful talk.
Popular Topics on UMMsnet this week
- Is my son Achilles?
- Why must my children act like the Furies?
- Was Œdipus really wrong to sleep with his mum?
- I love my son – too much??
- Useless Husband for sale (Cut price as damaged goods)
- How can I dissuade my husband from wanting to move to Thrace?
- Why Elektra is a good rôle model
- Sex with a snake – good or bad?
- All welcome to come and see the reliefs of my baby!!!!
- Hades is other husbands – discuss.
Insight into the Army
By Our Man in the Royal Tent desperate to be accepted
This week, the somatophylax basilikos
How does one join the Royal Bodyguard?
Lysimachus One does not. One is appointed by the king. And unless one is a nobleman and member of the officer corps one is very unlikely to be appointed. Sorry.
But I have started shaving!
Lysimachus Yes, that is not actually stubble; it’s just the shadow of the sun.
Oh. You noticed.
Lysimachus Being a somatophylax basilikos is to hold great power and have great responsibility. We guard the king and advise him – especially on military matters – it is not a job for young runts.
You mean young bucks.
I expect you do more than just guard and advise the king; do you get drunk with him, too?
Lysimachus Of course. But I’ll be honest, boy, you don’t look like the kind of man who could drink a krater and live to tell the tale.
I once out stared your fellow somatophylax, Demetrius.
Lysimachus Hm. Maybe there is hope for you yet. Royal Bodyguards can go on to become administrative officials. When we go east I fully expect that some of us will be appointed as satraps. If you can outstare people maybe you have what it takes to be a good politician.
To be honest he was very tired at the time.
He had been up for over twenty-four hours.
Lysimachus I take what I said back.
Finally, are you looking forward to Alexander and Cleopatra’s wedding this week?
Lysimachus Indeed. I do not look forward to the theatre procession, though. A royal bodyguard’s place is beside the king at all times.
I’m sure it will go well! When it does, I will remind you of this and maybe you will see it in your heart to mention me to the king!
[Column cancelled due to slaves having no voice]
Considering a career in prostitution? Solon’s Daughters are holding an open day this coming Hemera Aphrodites for any young man or woman who is thinking about joining our profession.
For a minimal fee, we offer:
- Free make up tips – look good, not garish
- Guidance on current laws
- Dance and music classes
- Accurate Book keeping
- Which medicine for which disease
I don’t just work for Alexander! If you would like to hire me to sculpture you or your family come and visit my home anytime and we can talk. I offer good rates and discounts for sculptures of three figures or more.
Amyntas, Master Modeller
… is proud to announce a new range of statuettes based on the happy marriage of Philip II and Euridike and Alexander and Epirus. Statuettes come painted and plain. Competitive prices.
Amyntas and Sons
Weapons new and used for sale. All clean. Swords come with scabbard. Trade in service also available.
Our prices – like your enemies – have been SLASHED so come and see what we have to offer!
The Must Read Calendar for all Thinkers and Drinkers
Ptolemy Lagides and Craterus son of Alexander invite you to Ptollers’ home to drink wine, talk rubbish and insult one another as you get progressively more drunk. Each Afternoon.
Philotas son of Parmenion will be holding a symposium at his home to discuss Great Army Strategies of All Time with particular reference to all of Parmenion’s. Third Hour next Hemera Selenes.
Craterus son of Alexander invites you to his home at the ninth hour of morning to discuss flowers. He will read out a lovely letter from Aristotle on the subject.
Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Aphrodites on the subject of ‘Macedon after Philip’ [Is this right? – Eumenes]
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave