Court Notices: Er… About That Wedding Edition

Alexander - RIGHTFUL king of Macedon

Alexander – RIGHTFUL king of Macedon

The King’s Speech
“Five days ago, the Macedonian court and our Greek guest-friends gathered in Aegae’s theatre to celebrate the marriage of my uncle, Alexander, and my sister, Cleopatra.
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“My father went to the theatre in peace, wanting to do no more than open the celebrations for the day; he was met there, however, by violence, for as he walked towards the wedding guests – the dodekatheon behind him – the traitor suddenly blocked his path. The traitor produced a blade and before we could stop him thrust it into my father’s chest.
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“My father died instantly, and the traitor fled from the theatre; he was pursued, caught, and executed by three brave Macedonian noblemen.
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“As they carried out the will of the gods outside the theatre so did Antipater of Pieria within it, and he acclaimed me king. Seeing Father Zeus act through Antipater, the Macedonian court and assembled guest-friends shouted their approval of his actions.
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“In the last few days you in my army, and you my people, alike have also recognised that Zeus favours me, and you have given me your loyalty.
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“In return I will make Macedon prosperous. Indeed, I have already started by cutting certain taxes. I will make Macedon safe. Again, I have already started by ordering preparations to be made for a campaign against the barbarians to our north.
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“And I will finish the war of vengeance that my father started against the hateful Persian Empire. This I will do on behalf of all Greeks so that the shame of Persia’s invasion of these lands one hundred and fifty years ago will be avenged forever.
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Alexander

***

A hoplite offering sacrifice at an altar

A hoplite offering sacrifice at an altar

Prayers
Wondering what to make sacrifices and offerings for this week? Let Aristander offer some suggestions
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Hemera Heliou
For the peace of our allies; may they never forget that if they fail us, we’ll kill them
Hemera selenes
That the ghosts in the cellar who frighten all the family (let’s be honest) will stop frightening the children at the second hour of morning.
Hemera Areos
For the shade of the inventor of the booby trap; may he be given entry into Elysium for the good that he did
Hemera Hermu
For our traders; may they stop trying to rip us off before we rip off their faces
Hemera Dios
For the shades of all those who died in accidents following Alexander’s accession to the throne; especially Argead family members
Hemera Aphrodites
For our prostitutes; they truly are smashing people
Hemera Khronu
For men with prematurely grey hair; may wisdom also come early to them

***

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
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“Ahem.
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“On behalf of the Friends of the Wine Tent I would like to apologise for my predecessor’s statement in the last edition of the Court Notices. It gave gross offence to our late king’s son who, following the dreadful events in the Aegae theatre, happens to now be our king.
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“Filled with sadness as we are at Philip’s death, I would like – on behalf of the Friends and all the WT patrons – like to wish Alexander a long and glorious reign.
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“Please don’t kill us.
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“My predecessor was half drunk when wrote his diatribe; none of us knew about it, I promise.
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“And when he, on the night following Philip’s murder, when he accidentally stabbed himself to death twenty-eight times before throwing himself into the path of the passing chariot we did nothing to stop it.
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“What I am trying to get across is that WE ARE LOYAL TO YOU ALEXANDER.
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“Wine, and doing whatever it takes to placate Alexander in order to stay alive? I’ll drink to that. Dear oh dear.”
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ο του οινου αναξ
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In the wine tent this week
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New Reign, New Name
The Friends of the Wine Tent write: “To demonstrate THAT WE ARE LOYAL we will be holding a vote on whether we should (a) Change the name of the wine tent to the Pella Wine Tent in honour of our great king’s capital, or (b) Just stab ourselves in the neck if we don’t because, let’s face it, if we don’t do something to placate Alexander that’s what we might as well do.
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“I am confident that proposition (a) will be passed.
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Motive for Posterity Competition
“To prove HOW LOYAL WE ARE to Alexander, the Pella Wine Tent (We are assuming that none of the Electors will vote to stab themselves in the neck) will be holding a competition every evening this week where competitors will be invited to make up the most convincing reason for Pausanias’ TREACHEROUS murder of Philip. If you think you can come up with a reason, no matter how unlikely, come along to the tent and share it with the panel of judges. The winner will win history.”
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This Week’s Guest Wine is Old Thracian
A tough wine; one swig of this and you will be more beast than man.

***

Clubs and Societies
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Sarissa Wine Club
Club President Amyntas writes,
“It has been a hard week. Last week an event of unimaginable cruelty happened. The pain and suffering it unleashed cannot be described. Even now there is not one of us who does not look at himself in a pool of water or piece of glass and ask, ‘Why? Why??”
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“I refer, of course, to the breaking of Demetrius’ sarissa just as he was about to break the record for Longest Uninterrupted Drink from a Hollowed Out Sarissa. To see his sarissa crack and all that wine spill out onto the floor broke my heart. To see Demetrius cry out “NO!!!” and dive down (or fall down, depending on who you talk to) and start to lap the wine up before the ground soaked it up almost destroyed me. The record was 144 feet – that’s five sarissa worths; Demetrius had just passed 126 feet when his sarissa snapped. O cruel fates!
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“Oh yes, and Philip our king was murdered. But kings can be replaced easily – as Alexander has proved – but when will anyone be brave enough to tackle the LDfaHOS record again? If only Demetrius hadn’t choked to death on gravel and dirt as he lapped up the wine he might have had another go. Such is life, and death.”

Priapus

Priapus, nothing to do with Amyntas’ clarification

CLARIFICATION: “Further to last week’s notice, I have been asked to point out that the term ‘husband’s sarissa’ is not a euphemism. I hope this persuades the UMM to take back the contract they claim not to have put on me, and yet, how many times can a man ‘accidentally’ get run down by horses before he considers something amiss.”
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Aristobulos and the Chicken
Following the awful events in the Aegae theatre last week Aristobulos will be making a model of Pausanias the Traitor’s body attached to the board in the square. His body will be sculptured using hardened excrement but the board will be made out of thin cuts of meat.
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You are cordially invited to watch Aristobulos at work or join him afterwards for his talk on ‘how to sculpture the human body using excrement’.
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Alternatively, you may watch the chicken eat the board (Aristobulos writes: “if you see her pecking Pausanias, though, please stop her.”)
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Union of Macedonian Mothers
Last week’s talk by Ptolemy Lagides did not go entirely to plan. If we had known that he would recommend temple prostitution to our daughters as a viable career option we would certainly have had second thoughts about asking him to speak to us.
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In the spirit of forgiveness, though, we have asked Ptolemy and Craterus son of Alexander to return again the next hemera Areos to give a talk on the subject of how wine is made. I am sure they will give us a most informative speech on this essential topic.
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In the meantime; wives, please remind your husbands that subs are due and that Cleopatra of the UMM will track them down and kill them if they do not pay on time. And before anyone asks, no, we did not order the hit on Philip, and so did not have him killed for that reason. Regarding Amyntas of the Sarissa Wine Club: No Comment.
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Popular topics on UMMsnet this week

  • Memories of Philip
  • Ups and Downs of having multiple marriages
  • Where were you when Philip died?
  • Which Argead will die next [Please note that UMMsnet does not approve of gambling – moderator]
  • SECRET CONFESSION: I smashed a Thracian and loved it
  • Is Atlantis Real?
  • Why Alexander is good for women
  • I COULD HAVE KILLED PTOLEMY LAST HEMERA SELENES!!! >:(((
  • The man to watch now that Philip is dead: Hephaestion Amyntoros
  • Whose Who in Alexander’s court and how to bend them to your will

Looters of Macedonia
Wondering where the best loot is to be found in Asia Minor? Concerned that your friends will get their hands on the gold before you in Babylon? Join Loot Soc and don’t miss out. Every lunar month we produce a lavish papyrus scroll that outlines,

  • Which cities contain the best loot
  • Up-to-date names of the rulers and entire nobility of any given city / region + their addresses
  • What prices you should accept for your loot
  • How to spot fake treasure

and more!
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Your first scroll comes with a FREE model of a trireme that will give you hours of entertainment on lonely nights in camp.
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Don’t miss out; join Looters of Macedonia today and give yourself a head start to wealth and riches!

***

Insight into the Army
By Our Man in the Royal Tent who wishes it to be known that he, too, is loyal to Alexander
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This week the Companion (hetairoi) Cavalry
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Philotas, It has been an upsetting week. Thank you for taking the time to speak with Court Notices on behalf of the hetairoi
Philotas For you it has been a trying time; for me it has been nothing. There is nothing I cannot deal with.
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You must be a little upset by the assassination of our great king
Philotas
No one is more upset than me. Does it not show?

Er…
Philotas
However, I look forward to preparing the Companion Cavalry for the battles ahead. Both within Greece and then the east.
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Tell me about the Companion Cavalry
Philotas We are comprised of Macedon’s nobility. A peasant like you could never be a member as you have to supply your own horse. At the moment, the hetairoi are divided into eight regiments, including the basilike ile, which rides at the front of the cavalry in battle. We – the Royal Squadron, that is – are four hundred in number, which is twice the normal regimental size.
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Is that because you aren’t very good and get killed often?
Philotas Did you not want to live beyond this sunset???
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Moving swiftly on, I rode a pony once. I fell off after about ten feet.
Philotas I expect you landed on your head.
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Hephaestion Amyntoros helped me up. He’s nice, isn’t he.
Philotas x______________________x
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Moving – er – very swiftly on this time, I understand the Companion Cavalry is divided along regional lines.
Philotas Yes… yes. Hephaestion isn’t really that great a man. Head in the clouds. Anyway, you are right. Yes. Regional. Gods, that man makes me sick. He is so humble. So nice.
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Er, yes. Anyway, I walked into the wine tent the other night. I admit I was a little drunk. I asked for the hetairoi instead of a hetaira, and was told that you were available. Is this true?
Philotas Grr. I know who put you up to that. It was Craterus, wasn’t it? Jealous, flower loving oaf! He won’t be sorry when I put a spear through him! This interview is over!

Philotas coming a cropper.

Philotas coming a cropper.

***

Slaves’ Talk
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[Cancelled due to slaves having no voice]

***

Baggage Train
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Brothels
Solon’s Daughters would like to thank all who came to their open day last week. Especial thanks to those who stayed for the open legs evening. We hope you had a smashing time! Our brothel is being inspected this week; we hope to bring you good news concerning the results in the next Court Notices.
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Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller
regrets to announce that due to recent events the ‘happy families’ range of statuettes (incorporating Philip and Euridike, and Alexander and Cleopatra) has been cancelled.
Please note that until Alexander has concluded his post-Accession purge, we have withdrawn the Argead family line from sale also.
would like very much to advise you that our Iliad line is still available and proving to be very popular; why not come and take a look at our heroes. Buy Achilles and be like Alexander!
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Weapons
Amyntas and Sons
In these violent times, having a good weapon by your side is a vital necessity. Come and visit our tent to see our goods.
We offer a full refund to your next-of-kin should our weapons fail you in battle.
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Symposia
Cleitus son of Dropides will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Areos to lament the death of Philip II.
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Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Aphrodites on the topic of ‘Who Will Alexander Kill Once He Has Finished With His Family’. ***This symposium is a must for all Greeks still in Pella and Macedonian nobility alike***.
Ptolemy Lagides will be holding a symposium on the importance of maintaining a good book collection next Hemera Hermu.
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Aristobulos will be holding a symposium on the benefits of keeping animals as pets, with especial reference to his chicken next Hemera Hermu.

***

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Leave a comment

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