The King’s Speech
Thessaly, first year of my reign
“My dear friends, as you read these words we are preparing to leave Thessaly and enter central Greece where my loyal Greek allies will confirm my leadership of our alliance against the Persians. That the Greeks will elect me as Leader is a foregone conclusion – the position is my birthright, after all – but as you may have heard, malcontents have been stirring up trouble in Thebes and Athens. It is important that we do not give them justification for their actions. Please ensure, therefore, that you are on your best behaviour while we are on Greek soil. To help you in this regard, I have written the following Dos and Don’ts.”
- Compliment any Athenian you meet on their democracy while keeping a straight face
- Make any Spartans you meet feel relevant
- Remind anyone who says otherwise that Macedonians are Greek. Though our languages are different we worship the same gods and share the same descent. If possible, try and learn some Greek ( and not just threats and swear words)
- Drop Aristotle’s name into any conversation you have especially with reference to his being my tutor and his father being my grandfather’s doctor. Feel free to remind the Greeks that when Euripides left Athens it was Macedon that he chose to come to
- Keep your sarissae and swords sharpened, just in case
- Mix water with your wine. It is important that we keep up standards while away from home
- Let any Greek bait you by pointing out how Alexander I medised during the Persian Wars. If this happens remind them that more Greeks fought on Xerxes’ side than on the Greek (and also, I would add, how few Greek cities took part in the War)
- Forget to let me know if you hear any plots against me (penalty for forgetting: death)
- Listen to anyone who says I killed my father because I didn’t, as you well know; right?
- Don’t compare yourself to Achilles to any Greek. In fact, to anyone. I am Achilles, and I am not in the business of sharing my identity
- (Except with Hephaestion)
Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
Forced marches bring out the best and worst in people. The best happens when at the end of the day everyone whips out their gourds and takes a swig of wine that was bought in the Pella Wine Tent the previous night; the worst is when everyone does that and proceeds to get drunk before helping to erect the PWT for tonight.
The Pella Wine Tent does not erect herself, my friends, and there is no wine tent fairy to raise her while you are boozing! Sadly, my Stair campaign – “You can built a stair in a mountain but can you build a wine tent in five minutes?” YCBaSiaMBCYBaWTi5M for short – failed, despite my imaginative use of capitals, small letters and numbers.
Therefore, I would like to thank Ptolemy Lagides for coming up with a new campaign – “So You Think You Are the Strongest Man in Macedon? PROVE IT. Erect This Tent So We Can All Get Drunk!”. He really does have a way with words. And thank YOU to all the Macedonians who have entered the contest. There’s nothing like harnessing a people’s natural competitiveness and desire for alcohol in order to get a dull job done, and quickly.
ο του οινου αναξ
On Offer This Week in the Pella Wine Tent
Hemera Heliou HONEY WINE
Hemera Selenes WINE AND CHEESE
Hemera Areos WINE FROM ACROSS THE
WINE BLOOD RED SEA
Hemera Hermu WINE THAT GIVES YOU WINGS
Hemera Dios WINE FIT FOR A KING
Hemera Aphrodites WINE LOVINGLY SERVED
Hemera Khronu WINE PAST ITS SELL-BY DATE
This week’s guest wine is Tempe Reserve. It’s so strong you’ll need to think up a new strategy to drink it
Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou For those who can’t believe that Alexander did actually have a stair carved into the Vale of Tempe Aristobulos will be crafting a model of the valley and showing how it was done; he will be using only leaves, rotting turnip and fishbones. All welcome. Those not attending the after-model symposia are asking not to disturb the chicken as she eats the turnips.
- If you would like a permanent model of the Vale, see Amyntas Master Modeller’s notice below
Gods Wills’ Hunting
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be doing his bit to build up brotherhood between Macedonians and Greeks by holding a symposia on the subject of Greek and Macedonian god worship. Titled They Must Be The Same As They Both Screw Us Over the symposia will be followed by augury readings for those who desire them.
Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos In honour of our soon to be new allies/late unlamented Thessalian scum traitors we will be drinking as much Thessalian wine as possible out of our hollowed out sarissae from sundown onwards. Wine will be sold at usual club rates and there will be further discounts for members who do not ask how we got hold of it at such short notice.
- Due to accidents at last week’s meeting there are currently five places in the Club for anyone wanting to join. There is no age limit but if you are still young don’t tell your parents
- Interested in acquiring a Thessalian property (incl. vineyard) that has come onto the market following the sad and violently accidental death of its owner? If so speak to Amyntas, President of the SWC. He is acting on behalf of the deceased’s son who appears to have had his tongue cut out
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu The UMM will be holding its weekly council with Alexander at sunrise. If you are a mother and want to have your opinion heard / threaten any of the king’s senior officers / see how both are done then come along.
The Royal Society of Imperialists and Dynasts
Hemera Deos Thessaly was the home of Achilles, our king’s illustrious ancestor. As Alexander prepares to receive the loyalty of today’s Thessalians, we will be taking the opportunity to read of Achilles’ great exploits.
- Copies of the Iliad will be provided
- Bonus Thessaly is famed for its cavalry. We will also be discussing its strengths and weaknesses for aspiring emperors such as – hm – Alexander
Fathers – Do you have an idealistic daughter? Does she need a bit of reality drummed into her? Why not bring her along to Cleopatra, Cleopatra and Amyntas’s performance of “Aeneas and Dido: How A Feckless Man Caused a Noble Woman To Die” It’s a fun and educational play about social mores and suicide. Sponsored by the Union of Macedonian Mothers.
Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller…
… is delighted to announce that his Vale in a Bale model has now gone into production. Buy it fresh and watch as the hay degrades to reveal a beautiful carving of the Vale of Tempe with our brave cavalry and infantry marching up it underneath
… confirms that his models of Athenian soldiers will be carved to third class standard in order to accurately reflect the state of the Athenian army since the Peloponnesian War
… denies that he is selling models in the fourth class (uncarved wood) of Spartan soldiers reflecting its current state. Ha ha
Solon’s Daughters have the greatest pleasure in announcing a new sex position. Called the Ossa Climb it involves ‘climbing’ up one’s partner and pleasuring them one step at a time. Come (ahem) to the brothel any day or time to find out more.
Amyntas & Sons
There will be a discount on all horse-engraved items for the duration of our stay in Thessaly. In the event that Alexander receives the loyalty of the Thessalians these items will be made available to the natives so BUY NOW to avoid disappointment later.
Next Hemera Aphrodites
Leonnatus on wrestling and why it is the best sport ever, and if you don’t agree he’ll break your Athenian neck
Antigonus Monophthalmus on living with one eye and cyclops taunts
Ptolemy son of Lagos on [subject to be decided but there will be plenty of wine so come anyway]
The Pankration League has been suspended until further notice due to the deaths-in-combat of several team members. An inquiry into these tragic events and why they took so long to happen is on-going.
Teams are asked to not deliberately ride into their enemies if they see them watching a race. People want to win races against committed opponents not those busy settling scores.
Can you write a poem about men spearing themselves to death while drinking wine? The Poetry League has teamed up with the Sarissa Wine Club to find Macedon’s best wine-death-sarissa poets. There will be individual and team events.
Throw your javelin the furthest! Join the javelineers outside the camp on the next hemera Khronu for wine, song and javelin throwing. There will be a team event for sarissa throwers.
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave