The King’s Speech
It has been an exciting few days on both the sides of the mighty Danube river. To help you keep track of all the action (i.e. our military successes) I have asked Eumenes to keep an ‘Expedition Scorecard’ (below). He will update it from now until such time as I finally conquer the world.
Back to the present; there have, of course, been disappointments. I refer, specifically, to the Celts who – despite my crossing the Danube without building a bridge, the destruction of the Getish town and general annihilation of enemy armies (whenever they have had the courtesy to stand and fight, mentioning no names Getae) – still said that they feared the sky falling on their heads more than me.
These men are undoubtedly as proud as they are tall and one day I will cut them down to a proper size – if we can find whatever northern swamp they live in.
Following on from the visit of the haughty Celts to Alexander’s tent, we asked a random selection of Macedonian soldiers “What do you fear the most?”
Amyntas of Pella The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Amyntas of Pella A spear falling on my head
Amyntas of Pella Sobriety
Amyntas of Pella Having to read Hesiod
Amyntas of Pella Elektra
Amyntas of Pella The fundamental dichotomy between nationalist sentiment and my desire for personal fulfilment
Bucephalus My shadow (answered on his behalf by his groom)
Thanks to all who took part
Pine Tree Holiday Resort
Near to retirement age? Want to live somewhere safe and secure? Why not consider Pine Tree Island. It contains homes fit for a king (at the time of writing, one does indeed live there). Pine Tree is only accessible via boat and as we have discovered has very defensible shores. It is the ideal home for loners, misanthropes, men with prices on their head and Athenians.
Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
The visit of the Celtic ambassadors has given us the opportunity to taste their wine. Like them, it smells funny, is a bit thick, and comes with more hairs than it should. If you don’t mind picking the latter out, however, the wine can be a rewarding drink. Unlike the Celts it is very strong and does not surrender easily. One krater will last at least half an evening for a normal drinker (ten minutes for a Pella Wine Tent regular). We think this may be due to Germanic influence in the Gaulish vinification process.
ο του οινου αναξ
WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Celtic wines – barbarian and brutal
Wines of the Quadi Has a very mysterious taste
Marcomanni Wine Gives you legs for marching
Iazyges Wine Wanders where it will
Getae Wine Not a statement but a tribe
Scythian Wine Better than their cooking
Triballian Wine It runs, it hides, it loses. We’re not even trying now, are you; just making fun of the Celts [You’re fired – Eumenes]
Free Thracian Wine Stolen from the carts; rolls easily down the throat.
First Year of Alexander’s Reign
i. Free Thracians (armed traders). Mount Haemus. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Thracians escaped
ii. Triballians. Lyginus River. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Triballians escaped
iii. Getae. Across the Danube. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: The Getae were bad sports and ran rather than fight
Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
All dates are subject to change in the event of a battle taking place on that day or cancellation in the event that the host is killed during said battle
Aristobulos and his Chicken
Hemera heliou Join Aristobulos at the Danube as he demonstrates how Alexander effected his exciting crossing of that mighty river using only stuff and tent. Unfortunately, no soldiers could be spared for this demonstration, so the crossing will be undertaken by Aristobulos’ chicken under his guidance.
- Will she make it to the other side without pecking open the tent and eating the hay, grain and whatever else is inside? Come and find out! Bets will be taken
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be holding a symposium on How to Introduce your children to the Gods Without Scaring Them to Death. All parents welcome.
The Sarissa Wine Club
The Club President writes,
“The visit of the Celtic ambassadors gave us an opportunity to quiz them regarding the drinking-game habits of the various Celtic tribes. Come to the Pella Wine Tent at sundown to hear what we learnt before we all got drunk (Don’t listen to the nay-sayers; the celts can really put their alcohol away).
…..“Further to the above, after the meeting we will be holding the cremation of those Celts who attempted to join the SWC during their visit and sadly failed. On this point, the Club currently has eight vacancies for new members.
…..“Don’t die wondering what might have happened had you joined. Join. You’ll still die – probably more quickly, too – but at least you’ll die happy.”
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu Is your daughter being picked on by her brother? We will be holding a special class “Ambush and Assassination Techniques for Girls” so that she can get her own back.
The UMM. Winning in the Shadows.
Hemera Dios Enjoy our stay by the Danube with a trip along the river. For the price of a cup of wine, you can –
- Shout abuse at the Triballians holed up on Pine Tree Island
- Hold sacrifices to your favourite gods
- Pour libations to Danube
- Re-enact famous naval battles with your friends (coracles must be used; extra fee; we take no responsibility for any deaths)
Hemera Aphrodites The Pella Theatre Co. launches its new season with a special Celtic version of Œdipus Rex. All the characters have drooping moustaches, refuse to talk too each other out of haughtiness and worry more about the sky falling on them than accidentally sleeping with their mothers.
Hemera Khronu Are the prostitutes of Naucratis really so beautiful? Find out in the brothel at the end of the week as we are about to be joined by some new Naucratian girls. For an extra fee, they’ll talk dirty and demotic to you!!!
Who could have known that Amyntas of Aegae’s peg leg would break under him as he attempted to jump his first bull after being gored. Sadly, Amyntas fell right onto the bull’s horns and was gored again, this time to death. Our condolences go to his family, especially his father, Amyntas, son, Amyntas, and daughter, Amyntas— only joking, Cleopatra.
The Society of Dangerous Runners have started up a new league that may be even more dangerous than membership of the Sarissa Wine Club. The league will comprise of runs from or to dangerous locations. Failure to successfully complete the run may result in painful death. The first run will be the hundred metre dash from Cleopatra of the UMM’s tent to the Aegae Wine Tent after shouting “The UMM are tramps!” at her. If you are hard enough and fast enough to compete, please let Amyntas of Pella know.
The winner of this week’s competition is Jason son of Jason for his poem Danube: The Truth
I stood upon the southern shore,
And stretched my arms out wide,
“O Danube, Danube, speak to me
In me you may confide.
Tell me your secrets, tell me your life,
tell me what you know;
Of men, of gods, of animals
of all things high and low.”
And Danube he did hear my call,
My prayer upon the shore.
And these true words he spoke to me,
his unworthy servant poor:
“Blub, blub, blub, blub, bllllrb, blub
gurgle, gurgle, blub
plop, plop, ploppity, plop
gurgle, gurgle, blub.”
Magic words! Mystic words! For this and every age
O Danube may you never cease
to be a blubbing and gurgling sage!
The judges were particularly impressed by Jason’s ability to get inside the Danube’s mind and represent his thought in a way that was respectful of the river’s divinity and majesty and yet also accessible even to young listeners.
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave