The Second Achilles

 

Cassander’s coin…

Regent’s Street

The battle at Megalopolis is over and Macedon is triumphant! Three years ago, King Agis III of Sparta betrayed Greece by accepting Persian money in order to challenge Macedonian rule. He gathered 20,000 men to his cause and the world shook with fear for what his victory over Macedon might mean.

I, Amyntas, rode out against him with 40,000 men and my army laid waste to Agis’ anti-Macedonian coalition of traitors. Even Agis himself died, struck down by a single javelin thrown from a sturdy Aegaen hand!

Who is there to oppose us in all the world, Macedonians? There is no one in Greece, no one in Persia, no one anywhere. And never will there be. My son, Cassander, fought most bravely at Megalopolis; he is the next generation. If all our young men are as faithful and strong as he, Macedon will never fall! I am proud to be his father, proud to be Alexander’s regent, and proud to have given the king the victory in this mighty battle!

Antipater

 

Olympias

The Queen’s Speech

Upon my birth I was named by my father, Neoptolemus I, Polyxena. When I was initiated into mysteries of Dionysus I signified the new person that I had become by renaming myself Myrtale. And when King Philip triumphed at the Olympic Games in his third regnal year, I became Olympias. Thus, have I proved to you that I am a woman of power, devotion, and glory. And I know, faithful Macedonians, that you do not doubt it. For whose son is it who drives all before him in the land of the hateful Persians? Who was it who was impregnated by Zeus himself on that glorious night? Who is it whose womb is sealed by the sign of the lion?

As I know that you are faithful, you know that I speak of myself. Therefore, listen not to siren voices who try to claim glory for themselves when all they did was fight mice in a battle of no consequence. As Alexander is my king, I am your queen; as you are his children, I am your mother; faithfulness to him has given you riches; faithfulness to me has given you Glory.

Remember that when people speak of how they conquered a field in the Peloponnese.

Olympias

He may be able to define reality but he’s useless at picking a horse.

Aristotle’s Racing Tips

Greetings, horse friends. This week sees the Athens derby take place. It will be a time of celebration for all Athenians. The big race, of course, will be the King Codras stakes, which will see the best riders compete for the ten talent prize. Unique to the Codras stakes, a prize will also be offered to the family of any rider who sacrifices himself to save his horse.

So, who are the runners and riders? Well, let’s start with Simon of Athens who is riding the beautiful mare, Xenophon’s Perspective. Before continuing, I must refute criticism I received after last week’s Racing Tips. A reader from Arcadia asked how I could give any useful tips since, according to my philosophy, horses do not actually exist.

I hope I did not give the impression that horses do not exist, as that would be most inconvenient for the continued existence (no pun intended) of this column. What I meant to say was that horses exist in a different way to how, for example, paper and happiness exist. In fact, this world is so varied that there are many different modes of existence.

Further to this, we can divide up all that exists between those that have a dependent existence and those that exist independently of all other things. An example of the former is breath. It only exists on account of the man who breaths; also, wealth. It only exists for you if you follow my racing tips. An example of the latter are horses and their riders, although it does occur to me that a rider loses his essential rider-ness if he does not have a horse to ride. Oh dear. And I can’t analyse this issue any further because I have nearly reached my word limit. Oh well, to my reader in Arcadia, I hope I have at least demonstrated that horses do in fact exist after all.

Philosophically yours,

Aristotle
(odds on to be named ‘philosopher of the year’ again this year)

The Haliacmon; love it to death

River Tents

Every Macedonian needs to place to rest rest or, if necessary, somewhere he can quietly assassinate an enemy and dispose of his body.

The tents along the Haliacmon and Axius rivers are the perfect place for R and R (Rest and Revenge).

Off the road, hidden within deep woodland or down steep banks, each tent is totally secluded. Indeed, each one has been sited sufficiently far away from its neighbours to ensure that any cries of love or pain will not be heard by anyone except you and your lover - or victim.

I cannot stress enough how effective the siting plan has been. When I visited a number of the tents, I spoke to a number of locals who assured me that no one had been murdered in their area for many, many years. From speaking to friends-in-the-know in Pella, however, I knew that this was not the case. The fact that both the Haliacmon and Axius are fast running rivers makes disposal of bodies (or just body parts) easy.

The tents themselves are small (six rooms maximum incl. torture chamber) but they are furnished. If you intend to torture your enemy before killing him, though, I would recommend you bring your own torture devices as the ones I saw were a bit rusty. Having said that, I was very impressed with the quality of the hunting gear.

The tents do not come cheap and are clearly aimed at the Macedonian nobility. The nobleman who erected them is from Upper Macedonia, which probably explains the cave-like size of the tents and rusty weapons, so it is to be hoped that as he gains more experience of the Royal Court, he will improve the facilities on offer. If he doesn’t, who knows, maybe he will become a victim of his lack of success in one of these very tents.

‘Traveller’

Sons of Makedon

Philip I
(21st before Alexander son of Philip II)

One of the greatest Macedonians kings, Philip spent thirty-eight years on the throne before falling in battle against Illyria. But for Philip’s strength over the course of many years, Macedon would certainly have been defeated by the Illyrians who were constitutionally unable to stop invading us. Like Alexander, Philip I was far-seeing and brave. He did, however, have an unfortunate tendency to fart during banquets, though, which embarrassed his wife no end. Philip’s favourite saying was ‘I can break wind as often as I break bones - and with more force, too!’. The court’s reaction is not recorded.

Pella Wine Palace
The PWP is opening for business again on the next hemera heliou following its recent rebuilding. Patrons are asked not to light torches while in the building this time - especially not to juggle, and double especially not after several kraters of wine; a slip of the hand last time ended up gutting the building and led to an expensive rebuilding bill and endless cups of wine being consumed by slow builders.

• The management is delighted to announce that following a donation from Queen Olympias the main drinking area will be named the Pausanias Room.

Calisthenes Report
Antipater is delighted to announce that we have received the latest report from Callisthenes. Our king’s court historian latest report details the burning of the city of Persepolis. Our revenge against the Persians is complete! A public reading of Callisthenes’ report will take place in the royal palace courtyard at noon the next hemera selenes.

Sarissa Wine Club (Pella Division)
Vacancies: 22
This coming hemera Areos there will be a spear and philosophy symposium in the home of our venerable founder, Amyntas of the White Beard. Amyntas will be leading the event during which an attempt will be made to reconcile Aristotle’s philosophy with our love of drinking wine out of hollowed out sarissas.

Masaly Society
The Macedon and Thessaly Cultural and Historical Society will be meeting in the Royal Palace on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘trading links between Macedonian and Thessalian nobility in the third regnal year of King Karanus with particular reference to the grapes of the Pieria region’. A very catchy title; it promises to be a very interesting evening. Hm.

Friends of Epirus
Meeting in Queen Olympias’ quarters on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘wielding power in a foreign land and how best to use it’. Not everyone welcome.

Kings and Courtesans Party
On the next hemera Dios come to the Royal Palace dressed up as your favourite monarch or whore! Prizes will be given for the best costume. Ladies are encouraged to emulate Phyrne at her trial. Men: Please do not borrow or steal a real diadem on pain of being executed like Amyntas last time.

Greeks and Macedonian Exchange
Are Macedonians Greek (Yes). Are Macedonians better than Greeks (Yes). Why should the Greek poleis be thankful we are in charge (too many reasons to mention). Amazingly, many people still regard these questions as being unsettled. Come to the palace on the next hemera Aphrodites to discuss them, get drunk and start a fight with your opponent.

WANTED
A friend for my son - Antipater
Snakes for the Queen - Court Staff

Weather Report

The Vergina Sun

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Aléxandros ho Mégasi

The King’s Speech

Welcome to this new edition of the Camp Notices. As you will have noticed it is slightly more rough and ready both in appearance and content than usual. This is because it has been put together on the hoof - literally. My thanks go to Ptolemy son of Lagos for hand writing the Notices during today’s ride.

Battles with Darius and our survival allowing, the next few editions of the Notices will be written by Ptollers in this fashion. We will revert to the previous format once Eumenes and the baggage train catch up with us. Until then, please co-operate with him if he asks for your help.

In the meantime, whether you are riding or marching, keep your eyes open for Persians, your spears ready for blood and your worship ready for me.

Alexander

Drinking Awards
Who is the biggest drinker in Alexander’s army?
I interviewed some of the men in the phalanx to find out

Amyntas of Lynkestis “I nominate myself. I once drank ten amphorae of wine, without food, one after the other in the Aegae Wine Tent in front of a group of women.”

Amyntas of Bottiæa “Amyntas of Lynkestis reveals only that he himself is actually a woman. I once drank twelve amphorae of wine, then ate the amphorae so that I didn’t miss any wine out; following this, I drank my own urine for the next twelve hours. All in front of my father.”

Amyntas of Pella “What Amyntas of Lynkestis didn’t tell you is that his wine was diluted by sweat while he drank; and what Amyntas of Bottiæa didn’t tell you is that it was raining while he was drinking. I drank twelve amphorae of wine in my tent ensuring that no water got into it by remaining apart from my friends. I then ate the amphorae, drank my urine, drank the urine of my friends just in case they had drunk from the amphorae without my knowledge and licked the sweat off their bodies. In front of my wife.”

Amyntas of Mygdonia “I can’t believe the nonsense I have been hearing. I drank twelve amphorae of wine, ate the amphorae, drank my urine, and my friend’s urine, licked the sweat off my body as well as theirs, then cut myself open and drank my own blood. All in front of my mother. When she collapsed and died of shock, I went into her house and drank her store of wine. I know none of this was much but I am not ashamed.”

Amyntas of Orestes “I am sorry, am I in the Macedonian or Theban army? Right, so I did this. Twelve amphorae, my urine, my friends’ urine, licked the sweat off everyone within a thirty food radius of me just-in-case, and cut myself open and put a tube in my body so that I could keep drinking my own blood forever. After I was revived, I found that my wife had been drinking so I sucked on both her nipples to get her wine, and drank her blood. When she died and I was convicted of murder, I was sentenced to die by drowning - in wine. Except that when my head was put in the barrel I drank it all, so I was let off. With the judge’s permission, I ate the barrel. All in front of my children.”

Amyntas of Lynkestis “Ptolemy, this is why Amyntas of Orestes has no friends. He is always exaggerating.”

Expedition Memories
We’ve been on the road for nearly four years now. What have been the soldiers’ favourite memories?

1. Winning the battle at Arbela - 42%
2. Pillaging Persepolis - 18%
3. Watching Persepolis burn - 15%
4. Invading Tyre - 8%
_ Fighting whoever, wherever, then drinking afterwards - 8%
6. Smashing Babylonian whores - 5%
7. Seeing the erection of the Pella Wine Tent - 2%
8. Not having to face a tongue lashing from Queen Olympias 1%
_ Watching Alexander ‘untie’ the Gordian knot 1%

Camp Notices
All society events may be cancelled if we get wiped out by Darius’ army

Your scribe bravely writes on

Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 3
The WSC will be meeting on the hemera selena after camp has been established. As the hollowed out sarissas are currently in the baggage train, we will simply drinking as much as possible before the moon reaches her zenith. Due to limited supplies, members will be permitted to dilute their wine if they wish, just as long as they do not tell any one that they have done so. We are Macedonians and still have standards to uphold.

Friends of Rome
Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus will be meeting next to the latter’s tent on the next hemera Areos to discuss the consulship of Publius Valerius Poplicola and Titus Lucretius Tricipitinus, which took place in the thirty ninth regnal year of Amyntas I. During this year, Rome was attacked by Lars Porsena on behalf of Tarquinius Superbus in an attempt to restore the monarchy; the meeting will look at how Poplicola and Tricipitinus met and repelled this threat despite the great cost to themselves.

Campfire Soc
The advantage of being away from the baggage train means NO UMM TO BULLY US! Finally-Free Amyntas invites you to his campfire on the next hemera Hermes to swap lewd stories about your wife. Remember, what goes on the anabasis, stays on the anabasis; Cleopatra of the UMM can’t kill us if she doesn’t know what we’ve been doing!

30 Seconds to Persia
On the next hemera dios, 30SP will be performing songs around the theme of ‘kings and queens’ outside Alexander’s tent. After the performance, Hephaestion will be standing around speaking nicely to everyone while looking bloody sexy. Come for the show, come to see why your wives, mistresses and lovers like him so damned much.

Engineering and the Chicken
On the next hemera Aphrodites, Aristobulus will be building a scale model of the temple at Siwa, which Alexander visited during our stay in Egypt. The model will be made of mud, dirt, water and some of that day’s provisions, which he will be donating to his pet chicken after the model has been completed. All welcome.

• As ever, guests are invited to remain behind after the meeting to which Aristobulus’ chicken eat the edible parts of the model; in the event that the camp is attacked, however, the chicken will be put into a cage while the Persians are beaten up.

The Big Question
Who is harder than Olympias?
Last week, 9 out of 10 Macedonians agreed that Alexander’s badass mother was harder than iron and bronze combined. This week, we pitch the queen…

You think you got what it takes to stand up to a woman who sleeps with snakes?

Against…

Palace of Knossos

… the downfall of Minoa

When Minoa was mysteriously destroyed, it did not just kill a few people but an entire civilisation. Who knows what damage this did to the development of Greek thought, trade, military might etc for years into the future? And yet, was it as powerful, awful, and intense an event as Alexander’s mother? Let Ptolemy know your thoughts.

From the Archive
Codrus: The king who just can’t help sacrificing himself

Athens was indifferent today to the overnight news that their king had wrongly interpreted the sound of a house collapsing as proof that the Dorians were invading, and had thrown himself off the acropolis in an effort to save the city. By unlikely good fortune, Codrus landed on the roof of a caravan, which broke his fall, leaving him with only a few broken bones - albeit including both his legs. He was left lying in the street by people who had better things to do than help their obsessive monarch back to the top of the acropolis so that he could try again until the queen came to help him.

Athens is still independent.

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who is doing it in the baggage train with any number of lucky punters while we search for Darius. Some times life just isn’t fair.

Dear Lady Aphrodit etc etc

My husband serves in the heavy infantry, which has gone on ahead with Alexander. I love sex. How am I supposed to manage until he comes back?

Yours, Devoted To Love

Dear Devoted,

Cry me the Aegean! My dear, there are any number of options for you to gain, if I may use the term, satisfaction. They chiefly involve male prostitutes; come to my tent at the next opportunity for an introduction.

Yours Lady Aphrodite who etc etc

• If any man thinks that ‘Devoted to Love’ is his wife and needs counselling as a result of reading the above advice, please see Ptolemy and he will do what he can to get you drunk.

Aphrodite of Syracuse

Camp Notices
Edited by Ptolemy son of Lagos

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

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Alexander of Macedon

The King’s Speech
To the allies of Macedon

Together, we crossed the Hellespont to take revenge on Darius III for Persian atrocities visited upon the Greek poleis. In three major battles, we took it. But war was not enough; for our revenge to be complete, we had to take Persia’s three major cities - Babylon, Susa and Persepolis - and thus, the empire. Yet, that too, we did. Now, having entered Ecbatana, we have taken the summer residence of the Persian kings. Our revenge is not only complete but gilded it as well.

This begs the question: what next? For me the answer is clear: pursuit of Darius. There can be only one King of Asia and I will not permit another to live in defiance of me. For you, however, it may be different. Your work is done; if you wish to return to Greece, albeit with a heavy heart, I will release you.

Be assured, if you decide to return home, you will depart with your wages fully paid and a bonus added - and I assure you, it will be most generous one. More than that, you will leave with my blessing and a guard to ensure your safe passage.

If, however, you decide to re-enlist with my army, I promise that the bonus you receive for your loyalty will be substantially greater than that which those leaving received. It is only right that those who work hardest and longest are paid the most.

We will not be staying in Ecbatana for long so make your decision now: Return home rich, or stay with me, and not only win even greater wealth but glory as well.

Alexander
From the Archive
Codrus: The king whose favourite kind of sacrifice is himself

Athens was rocked today by an earthquake. The news that Codrus had tried to take the place of a prisoner who was about to executed for some crime or another in the mistaken belief that if he survived the Dorians would one day conquer Athens made no impact on anyone whatsoever as Athenians are used to Codrus’ acts of self sacrifice and, if they are being honest, it rather bores them.

Aphrodite in action

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind schedule as she likes to do it slllooooow

Dear La etc etc

I get turned on by volcanoes. Is this normal?

Yours Who Loves to Rock and Be Rocked

Dear Rock,

There is nothing wrong with being aroused by an volcano - just as long as you remember that your wife / prostitute is only going to be interested in another kind of spurt.

Lady Ap etc etc

Ptolemy

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. Appropriate Stories for Children

I have received the following correspondence.

Ptolemaios,
I have a son aged six and a daughter, 8. He is of a nervous disposition. I did not know this until I told him the story of Orestes and Elektra; now, he wonders about the house with a haunted look, worried that his sister will kill his mother and make the Erinyes come after him. Please could you publish this letter as a warning to other parents: be careful what tales you tell your children! The wrong ones could cause them great suffering!

[Redacted]

I am happy to publish this letter although not as a warning. The truth is, we live in a world where children need to grow up fast. Violence is an essential part of our world and so the earlier they are exposed to it the better. In my opinion, [Redacted] did the right thing in reading the Oresteia to his son. If it doesn’t kill him the story will almost certainly make him a strong fighter as an adult. It may also make him psychologically damaged as well but that isn’t my problem.

I like to practice what I preach, so if you would like to read some of my stories for children, visit my ‘Storify’ page here.

Ptolemy

The Big Question

Last week, 7 out of 10 Macedonians voted that they would rather be assailed by brigands than Alexander’s badass mother. This week’s competitor is a thunder bolt - the weapon of Zeus himself.

Ouch

Why should you fear Olympias more than Zeus? Well, statistically speaking, the chances of being struck by lightening are a whole lot less than being given a tongue lashing and then murdered by the queen. If you don’t believe us, just ask Philip II [Are you sure this is appropriate for the Camp Notices? - Eumenes]

Olympias of Macedon

Camp Notices

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting on the next hemera heliou in Amyntas Africanus’ tent to continue their series looking at the Roman consuls. This week, Marcus Horatius Pulvillus comes under the candle light. Pulvillus was the third suffect of the newly established Roman Republic in the twenty-eighth year of Amyntas I (replacing Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus who died in office). He may also have served as Pontifex Maximus. Using this as his springboard, Amyntas Superbus will be asking the question, ‘Is religion politics, and politics religion?’

• Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus would like to thank Aristobulos for making a model of the Tarpeian Rock, complete with toy prisoners to throw off. The model will be auctioned at the meeting.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 8
A quiet meeting last week (and the cancellation of the WS Ultras’ pankration and wine competition) saw only four deaths as a result of drink-stabbing accidents. The club will be aiming to correct this at the next meeting on the next hemera selenes when it holds a special open-session for residents of Ecbatana, so that they might come and experience this little slice of Macedonian “culture”.

Wine and Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Areos, the WinPuSoc will be looking at being beaten to death and how one delivers the ‘kick that kills’ both literally and figuratively.

The League of Amazing Eunuchs
The LAE will be meeting in the Aegae Wine Tent on the next hemera Hermu to hear Bagoas give a talk about his namesake and fellow eunuch who became the vizier for Artaxerxes III (who reigned from the first to twenty-first regnal year of Philip II) before overthrowing him in favour of Darius III Codomannus.

Wear Alexander! Merchandise from Macedon

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Will be holding a special ‘goodbye’ party on the next hemera Dios for all the mothers whose husbands have decided to leave Alexander’s service. Donations to pay for the party and parting presents will be sought from all husbands; Cleopatra of the UMM knows you will all be generous. It goes without saying that she also knows where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
Next hemera Aphrodites the KkS will be holding a symposium on ‘The Beauty of Cacophony’. The meeting will take place in Ugly Amyntas’ tent but will also involve a walk to the Pella and Aegae Wine Tents to compare the levels of noise in each. Guests are asked not to stay behind and get drunk.

Pock Chop Soc
In the light of our arrival in Ecbatana the PCS will be meeting on the next hemera Khronu to discuss “Who was the greatest king: Croesus, Astyages, or Nebuchadnezzar II?”. Croesus had his wealth, Astyages brought stability, Nebuchadnezzar built the ‘hanging gardens’ of Babylon. They ruled in life together, but who, in death, had most impact upon the world before Cyrus the Great overthrew their empires?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“May all the gods whom I settled in their sacred centres ask daily of Bêl and Nâbu that my days be long and may they intercede for my welfare. … The people of Babylon blessed my kingship, and I settled all the lands in peaceful abodes.”

(Cyrus the Great)

Always pray for your ruler

Alexander on the ‘net
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Horns & Diadems = an all conquering badass

The King’s Speech

Nobody enjoys an evening’s entertainment as much as I do. However, even I would draw the line at the antics of certain members of the Wine Sarissa Club, which I saw last night.

It is one thing to drink wine out of a hollowed out sarissa, but really quite another to do it when racing round the camp in a chariot. Especially when there are people on foot nearby - such as me.

This unfortunate entry in the WSC’s ever expanding repertoire of ways to die young is, no doubt, a consequence of the emergence of the Wine Sarissa ultras. I understand that next week, they intend to host a pankration and wine competition (see the society notices below). I look forward to it because I know that whatever happens deaths will be limited to those in the circle. I do not look forward to being nearly run over by drunk wine-drinking men in chariots.

This is what it means to be Macedonian - being reckless without being stupid; mad but not crazy, and - if you really don’t mind - being fast without running your king over. Failure to adhere to this third element of our identity will cause me to teach you what it means to be dead. Sarissans, you are warned; Sarissan ultras - I look forward to seeing blood and gore.

Thank you for your consideration.

Alexander

From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Athens is not in shock tonight after learning that King Codrus injured himself after jumping in front of a out-of-control camel to save the life of a kitten. It is believed that Codrus, a life long cat lover, acted in the belief that if the moggie died and he survived, Athens would be ruined in accordance with the Delphic Oracle’s prophecy.

The Delphic Comment was reached and made a comment; unfortunately, we have not been able to decipher it yet.

Ptolemy, but not yet

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. What to do if you forget your narrative

So, there you are, in the middle of the circle; two hundred eyes fixed upon you, one hundred souls hanging upon your every word; you speak slowly, looking each person in the eye as you do so; your voice quietens and your body tenses; the denouement is coming… is coming… coming…

Uh… what was it again?

Forgetting what happens next is a humiliating experience for a poet. It can also be a lethal one if the audience gets irate.

What can he do to avoid shame and being dead? This is an important question as the consequences of forgetting can not only be embarrassing but - assuming the poet is not killed - expensive, as he is forced to give his audience its money back.

The old advice (reputedly given by Homer, but I doubt that) is ‘if you forget your narrative just have someone get stabbed in the dark’, the idea being that by the time you have sung that scene you will have remembered what was supposed to happen and will be able to weave the stabbing into the story proper.

But what if you don’t remember?

What if your mind goes completely blank?

I personally recommend simply making the rest of the story up as you go along with any unresolved threads being used as the basis of a sequel. “But, Ptolemaios,” you are saying, “What if I am singing The Iliad? My audience will know what happens next even if I don’t. I can’t make that story up!”

To which I reply - Pirate Poets. Your audience know Homer’s Iliad. They do not know that version of the fight for Helen which exists in, oh, let’s say some obscure village in Asia Minor. But you do. Or rather, if you brazen it out enough, you will convince your audience that you do, and that is just the same.

If your audience accepts your word that what you just made up is a legitimate story, you are fine; however, it may want to see proof of this variation. That’s when you go to the pirate poets; when you do, simply tell them the story you told your audience, and they will run up a fake manuscript showing your version of it!

Once they see the MS, your audience will be so impressed at your depth of knowledge that you will probably be able to charge higher prices to sing for them in the future!

Tips

• Pirate poets can be found in or near all disreputable establishments. For us, that means the Pella Wine Tent.
• If the pirate poet threatens to expose you to your audience, kill him.
• Don’t use shark poets as they charge exorbitant amounts of money per word and then give you an MS that was written for someone else.

Ptolemy

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who invented a position called the ziggurat

Dear Lady Aphrodite who does it in the vanguard with the officer class,

My wife has recently become obsessed with Hephaistos, and has taken to fondling her poker instead of mine, if you see what I mean. I am worried that she will try to brand me in my sleep. What can I do?

Yours,
Blaming Her Friendship with Thaïs of Athens

***

Dear Blaming,

The good news is that if your wife does brand you, slave chic is very popular in certain regions of Upper Macedon! But maybe that is not your thing. Well, if your wife insists on being Hephaistos, why don’t you be Aphrodite who was serially unfaithful to her partner? The girls and I in my tent are currently offering a two-for-one deal. How about it?

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite Who Never Misses An Opportunity

Lady Aphrodite (the goddess one)

Camp Notices

Loot Soc
We are in possession of a splendid Persian couch with golden armrests that was handed into the society by an honest Macedonian this last week. Do you know to whom it might belong? Please contact Pillaging Amyntas if so.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 12
Tomorrow (the hemera heliou) funerals will be held for those brave and drunken men who died during our sarissa wine drinking race round the camp last night. Unfortunate deaths aside, a great time was had by all so this event will likely be repeated in the future.

• There is a rumour going round that we almost ran the king over. If this turns out to be true, and he hasn’t banned the club as a result, the next race may be held a little further away to avoid trouble and him.

NB: The hard core members of the Wine Sarissa Club are called the WS Ultras. This coming hemera selenes they will be holding a pankration and wine drinking competition through the night. The traditional format for this competition will be adhered to, i.e., one ten minute round of pankration followed by the downing of a krater of wine, followed by another ten minute round of pankration etc. Last man standing/alive wines. Sorry, wins.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
Cleopatra of the UMM will be debating with Alexander on the subject ‘Why Mothers Are Better Than Conquerors’ this coming hemera Areos in the AWT. In case you can’t make it, don’t worry about not knowing the outcome. We all know she will win. If you don’t, your lack of faith in the UMM will be remembered.

Wine & Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Hermu, Wine & Punishment will be discussing being buried alive. Not for the squeamish.

Engineering and the Chicken
Also on the hemera Hermu, Aristobulos will be giving a talk in his tent on his recent visit to Pasargadae with particular reference to Cyrus’ tomb, which, he is glad to report, was found in good shape. After his talk, he will be building a model of the tomb using snow and fish meat. After the talk, Aristobulos’ chicken will be eating the fish; guests are invited to stay and watch but asked not to distract her.

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting in Amyntas Africanus’ tent this coming hemera Dios to continue their discussion of Roman Consuls. This week, they will be looking at the first two Suffect Consuls: Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus and Publius Valerius Publicola, who ruled Rome in the twenty-eighth year of King Amyntas I. Amyntas Africanus will open the meeting by asking ‘How did the rape of his daughter Lucretia affect Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus as consul?‘

• Please note that in accordance with Roman tradition, diluted wine will be served as this symposium

Friends of the Pella Wine Tent
Next hemera Aphrodites the inaugural meeting of the FPWT will meet in the Pella Wine Tent to discuss whatever comes to mind and get drunk. Anything else would be a discourtesy.

The Big Question

Olympias of Macedon, badass mother

Who would you rather meet on a dark night - brigands or Olympias?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Moderation is the best thing.”

(Cleobulus)

[Has this been checked with Alexander? - Eumenes]

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

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Cyrus wannabe [Very funny, Leonnatus; please delete this before we publish the Notices - Ed]

This week, as the army continued on its way to Ecbatana, I broke away from the main column to visit Pasargadae, the home and burial place of Cyrus the Great.

For those of you who do not know, Cyrus founded the Persian empire during the twenty-sixth regnal year of my predecessor, Alcetas I. He was a brave soldier, wise legislator, and friend to men. I strongly recommend Xenophon’s Kúrou paideía, which can be bought from the mobile library, for more information about him.

While at Pasargadae, we entered Cyrus’ tomb to pay homage to him, and when we left, we left him under the protection of the Magi.

The Magi, of course, are men of great dignity. As such, they would be within their rights to charge a great fee for protecting Cyrus’ tomb. But they do not; in fact, they guard it for no more than one sacrificial sheep and horse per month.

I commend the loyalty and devotion of the Magi to you. If they will guard a king for so little, what will you do for your king who gives you so much?

Alexander

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. ‘Mycenae, rich in gold’

“But it was. It was. Oh my gods, it was! Homer was right! Gold, lovely gold! I just can’t take the thought of it any more!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus sobs over his copy of The Iliad]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over the First Intermediate Period in Egypt

From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Reports are coming in today that King Codrus of Athens threw himself onto the hearth in his palace yesterday evening. This remarkable event is said to have taken place after his wife, the queen, spilt some hot water on her finger while making dinner. Hearing her cry, Codrus - remembering the prophecy that Athens would not survive a disaster if the king lived through it and believing that it referred to the hand of his queen - leapt forward and spear tackled the cauldron. He then lay down on the fire. Quick thinking servants put the fire out before it could consume him.

Our reporters say that Athens remains standing.

Once upon a Ptolemy

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

II. Getting An Audience

A few nights ago, following last week’s column on how to engage your audience while telling a story, I was asked in the Pella Wine Tent how does a poet get an audience in the first place?

That is a good question. Men are very busy these days and will not readily give up their time to hear even a good story. A poet may use a number of methods to grab people’s interest.

1. Pay people to listen. Sadly, most (i.e. all) poets are very poor. If they were rich they would probably be politicians so this method is not very practicable.

2. Coerce. Blackmailing people can be fun but sadly, is not wise in this instance. The last thing you want to happen while singing of Achilles’ rage (if you really must sing the same song as every other poet ever) is to get stabbed in the back - literally - by an audience member with a grudge.

3. Ask / Beg / Plead. There is nothing wrong with any of these options in and of themselves, but be wary - if you use any of them, you are effectively telling your prospective audience members ‘I am soft, listen to me for a while, then beat me up and take my money; in fact, don’t even do that, here it is, and can I lick the dirt of your sandals for you?’

4. Get them drunk. This is my favourite method. If you whip out your lyre or lute at the right moment during a drinking session, the kind of people who would be likely to take advantage of you ( [3] above) will be too drunk to be of any trouble. Similarly, the kind of people who would be minded to listen will do just that, for they will be grateful that you have given them an opportunity to slow down on their drinking, because - apparently - there are some people out there who do not drink to get drunk.

Ptolemy

Camp Notices

The Union of Macedonian Mothers will be taking revenge on the men who continue to try and pierce their wives ears and other body parts with xystons and spears and who failed to give a donation for the outing to Susa two weeks ago. Cleopatra (tyrannos - Is that right, Leonnatus? I really don’t want to get on her wrong side - Ed) apologises for the inconvenience to wives and mistresses if their man turns up dead.

The Kaloi k’agathoi Soc will be holding nine nights of petition (NNP) from the hemera heliou onwards to ask Ares to send us a new Persian army against which Alexander may win new glory and his soldiers loot - and scars. The NNP is open to all and will be followed by wine and an SAE (scar admiration exchange).

The Wine Sarissa Club meets at midnight on the next hemera Hermes for a special Under the Moonlight meeting. Wine drinking and initiations (there are currently six vacancies due to deaths by over drinking) will be punctuated by prayers and hymns to Selene.

Love and Strife Soc. This new society is dedicated to the discussion and dissemination of the works of the Acragian philosopher Empedocles. Mystical Amyntas, a lifelong admirer of Empedocles’ work, invites anyone who is interested in knowing more about the great man’s writings to his tent at sunset on the next hemera Areos. M. Amyntas says, “Empedocles was the greatest philosopher to live before Socrates. The first half of our symposia will involve a reading of a portion of his On Nature; the second will be a discussion of the same, which will last until we are all too drunk to continue.“

Engineering and the Chicken. There will be no E&tC meeting this week as Aristobulos is in Pasargadae; however, he wishes to thank all those who prayed for his chicken over the past week. The Camp Notices is happy to report that she is back to full health and, no doubt, ready to eat another structure upon the return of her master.

This coming hemera Hermes, the Friends of Rome will be holding the first in a series of symposia to discuss the rôle of the Roman consul since its inception in the twenty-eighth regnal year of King Amyntas I. The first symposium will look at Lucius Iunius Brutus and Lucius Tarquinius Collatinus, and will be asking the question ‘Were they right to overthrow the Roman monarchy?‘. Of course they weren’t, but if you would like to find out why, visit Amyntas Africanus’ tent at sunset to find out why.

Wine and Punishment Soc. A new society dedicated to discussing different forms of capital punishment over a krater or two of wine. This week: crucifixion. The first meeting will be held in the Pella Wine Tent on the hemera Dios, and will look at the fate of Polycrates of Samos (who was, by-the-bye, betrayed to death by the Persians).

Loot Soc thanks to all who attended its exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent last hemera Aphrodites. There will be another one on the same day next week. It was very interesting seeing all the the loot that was brought for sale or exchange - the head of an unknown pharaoh, Gyges’ queen’s clothing, and Moses’ staff being among some very notable items on display.

Meet The Macedonians

A more humourless face than this has not been seen since Lycurgus bored the world

Seleucus, son of Antiochus. The man who knows not what a comb looks like and teller of unfunny jokes. Seleucus loves his mum and can be found most evenings in the Pella Wine Tent extolling the virtues of both his parents. Seleucus says he is thoroughly committed to Alexander’s mission and that his ambition is to one day ‘found one or two cities’ of his own. Good luck, sir!

A Walk through Nature
by Craterus Son of Alexander
Can you guess what type of flower this is?

Actually, it isn’t a flower at all, at least, not one that sprouts from the ground, but a tree in bloom, and the tree is not just any old tree but a cornel tree, which we use to make our sarissas.

We use cornel trees because of their toughness of their wood; and not just for weapons, either, but a whole range of implements - usually, of course, the handle.

I am often disappointed by the little thanks that we give the gods’ bounty. The next time you chop down a shrub or a tree for whatever use - even if it is just to burn - why not say a little thank you to father Zeus and any other appropriate god for what they have given us?

• Craterus is a commander in the phalanx, and a flower lover. He won Macedon’s Strongest Man award three years in succession in the first - third year of Alexander’s reign; if he says you thank the gods for trees, then we suggest you get thanking before he gets angry and gets beating.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Let no one untrained in getting drunk enter.”

(Sign above the Pella Wine Tent)

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

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Not Dionysus of Syracuse

The King’s Speech
Less than a hundred years ago, in the eighth regnal year of my predecessor Archelaus I, Carthage captured the cities of Selinus and Himera in Sicily. They took 3,000 Greeks hostage and sacrificed them to their gods. This despicable act preceded an attack on Acragas and then Gela. As Carthage captured the former and lay siege to the latter, Dionysus I of Syracuse was elected strategos autokrator in his home city and charged with its defence.

Over the next few years, he rebuilt the Syracusian army in preparation for a counter strike. His work was concluded in the second year of the joint kingship of Orestes I and Aeropus II. That year, he marched out against the Carthaginians defeating them in Motya following a hard fought battle.

The bloodshed was so bad, Dionysus worried that there would be no Carthaginians left to be sold as slaves. Carthage had suffered a terrible loss, but it was not was defeated; a year later, Himilco of Carthage attacked Dionysus’ forces. Syracuse and Carthage then fought each other for four years until (i.e. in the second and last regnal year of Argaeus II and first regnal year of Amyntas II) Himilco was forced to sign a peace treaty.

The treaty gave Carthage a presence on Sicily. Why? Dionysus had won the war. Well, he wanted an excuse to continue as strategos autokrator, that is to say, as a tyrant. What better way to ensure this than by signing a treaty that kept the Syracusians looking over their shoulders at their enemies.

So, why do I mention all this? Well, now that I am the Lord of Asia, I know that some of you are wondering why we are now marching north to Ekbatana and not to Babylon and home.

The reason is Darius III Codomannus. He lives, and while he lives, he remains a rival to my throne; the throne that he once sat upon. Now, you might argue that as he has been deposed from it, he cannot be considered a threat. But this is a short sighted view. For as long as Darius remains alive, he may gather a new army to himself that could threaten my rule. Of course, I could do what Dionysus I did and come to terms with him. But he (Dionysus), as I have stated, only did that in order to maintain his own authority. I intend to pursue and apprehend Darius in the interest of long term Greek safety and unity between peoples. I have peace in mind, not power.

I know some of you would like to return home; you shall - and with even more riches than you currently own - but I would not have you leave here under threat of a surprise attack. When you leave, you shall look only forward, not over your shoulder as the men of Syracuse were forced to do. It is for this reason that we go north; and it is for this reason that I warn you to look out for Darius as we ride for I fully expect him to challenge me once more.

When he does I will defeat him. Then, he will either be dead or will submit to my authority; when that happens the ghost of Dionysus I of Syracuse that haunts us now will be banished forever and the peace that he could not give his people shall be given by me to mine.

Alexander

The Ironic Enrinys
On Minoa

“Look, you’ll only get rid of the ear wax if you put your finger IN your ear.”

“I always told the children that they would be back from the Labyrinth in time for tea.”
“Sheep were more popular than bulls on Minoa.”
“Minoan men were frightened of women’s breasts.”
“The Dorian Greeks only invaded Minoa because they were provoked.”
.
.
.
.

Book Charts
courtesy of the mobile library

1. The Iliad by Homer (no change)
2. The Odyssey by Homer (no change)
3. Odes by Pindar (new)
4. Histories by Herodotus (down one place)
5. Anabasis by Xenophon (down one place)

Analysis
The new chart shows no change in the top two positions for the five hundredth year and 2600 (ish) week in succession. Below it, however, Pindar has shot into third place displacing Thucydides from the top five. What has led to Pindar’s sudden popularity? Who can say but maybe it will inject a bit of life in this frankly moribund chart. Perhaps we’ll just start making it up; Would you like that? Let me know, or, why not just come to the library and take another bloody scroll out!
Sarcastic Amyntas

Ptolemy a few years hence

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

I. Don’t be afraid to involve your audience.

Every night in the Pella Wine Tent I see men telling stories about things that have happened to them, the gods or some other subject and as they speak (or sing) they recline on their couch as if their audience has the plague or bad B.O.

This is very bad practice.

A good story-teller wants to make his audience feel as much part of the story as possible. If it is a peaceful one (e.g. about what you did at home/while marching) why not insert a reference to food or drink into the narrative; if you do you will have an excuse to provide one or the other or even both to the people listening to you. This is particularly useful if you sense that your audience is getting bored.

Similarly, if your story is about war, don’t be afraid to stab or smack, punch or strangle one of your listeners. They won’t complain (on account of being dead) and the surviving members will leave you afterwards with the satisfaction of having got as close to the action of the narrative as one can without having jumped into the story itself. You will be thanked for this and adored by generations to come as a second Homer (Possibly).

Ptolemy

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. Democracy

“Oh my! Oh, oh my! Oh, oh, oh my! Giving men the right to vote! The right to decide their future! OH MY! IT’S ALL TOO, TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus gets confused and tries to kill himself so that he can die happy]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over his Boot Straps

Camp Notices
Now that we are on the road again, all meetings will be after sundown unless otherwise stated

Proxenus and the Engineering and the Chicken Soc.
Aristobulos informs the Camp Notices that due to the success of last week’s talk, during which he and Proxenus made a model of the Royal Tent using only leaves and twigs, they will be teaming up again this coming hemera selenes to make a full sized model of the ark of the covenant out of according to the directions laid out in the Israelites’ holy book. To add to the challenge, both objects will be made out of whatever material guests bring with them.

* Aristobulos’ chicken will not be eating any food used in the challenge this week as she has been feeling under the weather for the last few days. Please pray to Asklepios for her recovery as Aristobulos has been feeling very lonely without her.

Pneuma Soc
Last week’s discussion on ‘What do the words of a drunk man mean?‘ will continue on the hemera Areos this week. The talk will be followed by a workshop during which one male and one female guest will be invited to get drunk so that their words can be analysed for possible meaning.

* If you would like to volunteer to be one of the drunk guests, please let Deep Thoughts Amyntas know by midnight on the hemera selenes.

Get drunk. Dance.

Pork Chop Soc
The PCS regrets to announce that following last week’s real life massacre during a game of Rome: Total War Bastard for children it will not be starting a children’s division of the club. Destroying one’s enemies in the context of a game is one thing but doing it in real life because you lost or ‘wanted total and utter victory’ is another. The PCS thanks the UMM for not destroying it in any revenge action as a result of the unfortunate bloodshed.

Wine Sarissa Soc
Scythian Extra Strength Rot Gut, acquired from some shady camel traders on the first day after we left Persepolis, will be used at this week’s meeting on the hemera Hermu. There are currently three vacancies for places in the society; if you would like to join it and are prepared to drink the Rot Gut+ you will be given free membership for two years instead of one. If you die in the attempt, the society promises to crucify the traders should they ever be seen again.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM understands that women like to beautify themselves in whatever way possible and applauds this; however, please do not let any man pierce ANY PART OF YOUR BODY with his xyston or sarissa. These weapons are WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE TOOLS FOR PIERCINGS. And no, it does not matter if he does it when sober rather than drunk.

Men who attempt to pierce their wives with a spear are reminded that the UMM know where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
This coming hemera Dios the KkS will be holding a discussion in the Pella Wine Tent on ‘The Beauty of the Gorgon”. You would have to have a heart of stone to miss it.

Loot Soc
Have you ever looted something that you no longer want? If so, Loot Soc is for you. The Society of Looters and Pillagers (to give it its full name) is a friendly society dedicated to helping members get rid of loot they don’t want and acquiring looted goods that they do over a flagon of wine or two. We will be holding our next buy-or-exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent next hemera Aphrodites.

The Good Macedonian Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it at the end of the baggage train with aplomb

Dear Lady Aphrodite who d etc etc

Theognis said that “there is nothing sweeter than an honest wife”. Is this true?

Yours,
Thinking about marriage

Sweet as.

Dear Thinking about marriage,

Yes it is; but I would add, there is nothing spicier than a whore. Which you go with just depends on your taste.

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite who does it at th etc etc

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers”

(Aristophanes Plutus)

Worth remembering - Alexander

Alexander on the ‘net
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Son of Ammon-Zeus

The King’s Speech

At the beginning of his Hellenika, Xenophon tells us how the Persian satrap Pharnabazos drove his horse as far as it would go into the sea in order to help the Peloponnesians in their fight against the Athenian forces. Xenophon does not record his horse’s name, which is a pity, for such a brave animal deserves be remembered to the fullest extent.

In reading of Pharnabazos’ horse, I am inevitably reminded of the bravery of my own, Bucephalus. Of course, he - Bucephalus - was not always so kingly. When I first met him he was in fact a coward who was afraid of his own shadow. With gentle words, however, and by turning him away from that which he feared, I tamed him. Then, we confronted his fear together and he was no longer afraid. Seeing what I had done, my father commended me and said that if I could control such a wild animal I would one day be able to control a great empire.

How right he was.

The lesson that I draw from my own experience and that of Pharnabazos is this. If treated well, animals accept our wisdom and our lordship, and when they do that they will fight faithfully ever after for us.

Of course, we know little about Pharnabazos’ relationship with his horse. Perhaps he was a cruel master who drove the animal into the sea against its wishes, but I do not think so. Just as it takes a brave man to engage in close quarters combat, so it takes a brave animal to confront what must appear to it to be a deadly onrush of foaming water. And bravery is not born of cruelty but love and fine leadership.

When you next go to your horse, or whatever other animal you own, remember this, and treat it well; and remember this also: that this lesson would not have been possible without the good example of a Persian.

Alexander

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary

2. Spots

“I woke up to a a sunny morning. It was the day after I had received the confirmation of my first promotion. To celebrate, I ate my breakfast outside - in Helios’ warm embrace!. As I ate, I was greeted by proud friends who had just heard the good news. Even my neighbour with whom I had been at odds came and congratulated me. Life was perfect! But then, as I took my plates indoors, I saw it in my mirror; on my nose was a… a… a… Oh! Woe! I can hard— hardly say it!

[Interview paused while Demaratus tries unsuccessfully to hold back his tears]

“I am sorry. Forgive me. Even now, ten years later, it affects me so. For on my nose was a big. Red. Spot. Woe!!! A horrid spot, an mocking spot, an evil spot!”

INTERVIEWER: Did you not just squeeze it?

“How could I? To squeeze it would be to squeeze it a little bit of myself out and leave it to die upon the earth! It would have been to destroy myself! And it was such… such a gentle spot! Oh woe! Woe upon woe upon woe! I cannot continue! By Zeus, I cannot—!

[Interview ends as Demaratus breaks down in a flood of tears]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over spilt milk

“Stalking you? Do we look like Facebook?”

The Ironic Erinys
on Theramenes and Kritias
“It was a shame that Theramenes was executed; he always stood his ground.”
“Joking apart, Kritias truly was an honourable man.”
“I would not have felt threatened at all by the men with the daggers. Words hurt more than weapons!”
“Hemlock tastes lovely. You should try it.”

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind Xerxes’ Palace and makes her clients feel hotter than the flames

Dear Lady Aphride etc etc,

Do you think rhaphanidosis is a good way to punish adulterous men who are caught in the act?

Yours,
Looking Over His Shoulder

Bottoms up!

Dear Looking over His Shoulder,

Firstly, for those men and women who do not know what you are referring to I should say that rhaphanidosis is an Athenian punishment for the crime you mention and involves pushing a plant root, usually of the horse radish variety, up the adulterer’s bottom. Now that that lovely image is in everyone’s mind, I shall answer your question: only if it is wife holding the root.

Have a nice day,
Yours Lady Aphrodite who. etc.

Camp Notices

Proxenus & Engineering and the Chicken
Following the success of his talk on the last hemera Areos, Proxenus will be joining forces with Aristobulos for a talk and demonstration on how to build a model of the Royal Tent using only leaves and twigs. The Royal Pages and Hypaspists who guard Alexander’s tent will be sculpted out of chicken meat, which Aristobulos’ chicken will be eating after the talk is over. People are invited to watch the chicken but asked not to disturb it.

Pneuma Soc
Next hemera selenes the Pneuma Society will be taking time out from its look at Herodotus’ account of Aristonike’s oracle to the Athenians to discuss the following - ‘What do the words of a drunk man mean?’ If you have ever wondered if they be deciphered, or if drunks can tell the truth, or even if they should be allowed to speak at all - or just hit and sent to sleep on the couch, then come along and listen to what Pneuma’s panel of experts has to say.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
The KkS is a group for men who are currently serving or have served in the front line of the phalanx. The first meeting is next hemera Areos. It is not intended that the KkS have a designated speaker; instead, meetings be centred around a discussion on where members got the scars and deformities that make them so beautiful and fair. A free krater of wine will be given to anyone who received either in the course of battle (liars will be beaten and then given free wine).

Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM will be extorting [should that not read 'collecting'? - Ed] money for their outing to Susa over the next hemera Herma and hemera Dios. If you enjoy your life then you may donate after the morning sacrifices and any time during the day or night outside the Pella and Aegae Wine Tents or Lady Aphrodite’s brothel on those days.

Names of non-donors will be taken for retribution purposes.

Mobile Library
Ptolemy Lagides regrets to announce that from now on, smashing will not be allowed in the mobile library due to the mess to papyri and damage to shelves that it causes.

There are better ways to get a girlfriend, to be honest

Kottabos Soc
“Fed up of talking? Just want to drink and find out who your true love is? Then come to the Pella Wine Ten at sunset next hemera Dios and join likeminded men. Bowls and poles will be provided!”

Pella Theatre Group
Further to the recent announcement, the PTG regrets to announce that the first night of its new play Waiting for Barsine has, er, been delayed due to the non-arrival of the script. The Group apologises to all patrons who were expecting to see the play next week. Amyntas With the Quill says he is working as hard as he can every day and night on the play in order to make it as good as possible.

Pork Chop Soc
The PCS will be holding its first meeting for women and children next hemera Aphrodites. It will take place in the ruin of Xerxes’ Palace. A map of the known world (and guesses as to what lies beyond it) has been drawn on the floor. Attendants will be invited to move mock armies around in the manner of a game of Rome: Total War Bastard to see who can win control of the most territory. As per the recent survey of women to see what they would do if they ran the world (nothing except be nice to one another) Club Tyrant, Carve Up Amyntas warns that as this meeting is expected to be really boring but you never know.

Herodotus looking business like

Random Facts from Herodotus
by Hephaestion Amyntoros

• Pythius offered Xerxes 2000 silver talents to his war chest
• The battle at Mycale took place in the evening
• The Dorian temple is called the Triopium; they were very picky about who they let use it

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
As Theramenes was led to his execution he protested against the unfair sentence handed down to him…

… when Satyros told him he would be sorry if he did not keep quiet, Theramenes answered, “And if I keep silent, will I not be just as sorry?”

(Xenophon Hellenika)

Alexander on the internet
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The King’s Speech

“Come on Orestes, we only want to play”

You Pays Your Money But The Following Writer Did Not Get His Choice

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Your king and your god

The King’s Speech
This week, the Union of Macedonian Mothers won the monthly Harder Than Sparta award for their continued success in telling men what to do, when to do it, and how to please their wives and not get their throats cut.

As it happens, in the five years since I came to the throne of Macedon no one except the UMM has won the award. You might think that this renders it meaningless; I say let’s focus on the number of lives that the UMM has saved through its policy of engagement and, when that has failed, happy use of main force.

Of course, a fair few of the men whom the UMM has saved have gone on to accidentally kill themselves during meetings of the Wine Sarissa Club. For that reason, the award of Most Likely To Die Before Alexander’s Next Major Battle went to every WSC member. The WSC has been as successful in this category as the UMM has in the Harder Than Sparta one so the award is very well earned.

For the sake of my expedition, however, I would like to remind WSC members that the award is for ‘Most Likely’; there is no need for you to prove yourself worthy of the award by going on a ‘drink and spear’ session. No one has ever survived a “D&S” session. The chances of doing so are so minimal not even criminals sentenced to death go on one. Do the right thing by me, yourself, and your wife - stick to drinking out of a sarissa tip. It’s good, clean fun (mostly).

Cleopatra of the UMM: If you hear of any men who fail to obey the above order, you have my permission to practice on them for next month’s Harder Than Sparta award.

Alexander

This Week’s Top Trending Tent Topics
What are they talking about in the Aegae and Pella Wine Tents?

#AlexanderIsGreat
#ReplacePoemFirstLinesWithPhallus
#YourMotherIsAPersian
#IGotGlaredAtByCleopatraOfTheUMMAndLived
#IsASecretAthenian
#frontlinerighthandsidecrew
#SMASHRUINDESTROY
#YUMoreRadicalThanAnaxagoras
#WhenPersepolisBurned
#YouCaughtItInBabylonMyFriend

Camp Notices
Congratulations to the fifty-eight people called Amyntas who got married this week. Bad luck to the brides who got confused and married the wrong man.

Soldiers are asked to desist from trying to stab stray dogs with their sarissas or spears of an evening due to the number of injuries being caused to their fellow men as they pass by.

The king has become aware of illegal pankration matches taking place in the ruins of Xerxes’ palace and other dark places. The first rule of illegal pankration matches is that you do not keep quiet about your victories. Yes, the fight was illegal, and you may be executed if found guilty of the offence but the king wants to know who the best fighters are; partly for betting purposes, and so that he can promote those fighters who killed their opponents with especial speed or effectiveness. Don’t worry about the law - the king is the law, and if he likes you, you live.

Coenus will be giving a talk on the hemera heliou this week on ‘How to feel fear like an Athenian’. This perennially popular talk will be followed by a re-enactment of Athenians being scared in a variety of situations.

As people have been asking, yes, Alexander still disapproves of beards.

Confirmation has been received that Demaratus started crying with joy after he woke up following a good night’s sleep yesterday.

What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
The sun rises, the sun falls; Elektra remains mad as Herakles. What is making her mad this week?

Elektra: Still mad for it

hemera selenes Puppies
hemera Areos Oak leaves
hemera Hermu Sedge
hemera Dios Ear wax
hemera Aphrodites Smithing
hemera Khronu The second hour

Sponsored by the Erinyes
“Blood eyed bitches, and proud of it”

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In this section of the Camp Notices, Alexander’s generals take it in turns to look at the circumstances under which Alexander might lose a battle:
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Parmenion

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Society Notices

Waiting for Barsine - a new play by Amyntas of the Pella Theatre Group is a one man show based on Alexander waiting for the princess to come and see him. Coming Soon (unlike Barsine).

Pneuma Soc
Dedicated to discussing the words of the Delphic Oracle. On the hemera selenes this week, Pneuma will continue its look at Priestess Aristonike’s oracle to the Athenians as recorded in the seventh scroll of Herodotus’ histories.

Engineering and the Chicken
On the hemera Areos this week, Aristobulos will be recreating the Overhanging Gardens of Babylon using mud and bits of twig. The plants will be crafted using fish, which will be fed to Aristobulos’ chicken after the close of the meeting.

The Pork Chop Soc
On the hemera Hermu, the Pork Choppers will be holding a discussion on Cleisthenes’ democratic reforms in Athens. Speaking for the reforms will be Amyntas of Athens, and against them Perdiccas Son of Orontes.

Society of Shield Maidens and Spear Lords
A chance for girls and boys to learn how to use shields and spears. A new group, run by Ptolemy Son of Lagos and Craterus following the success [is this right? - Ed.] of their reconstruction of the battle at Gaugamela. First class begins on the hemera Dios.

Romulus and Remus suckle on the Capitoline Wolf

Club Focus

Who Are You?
The Friends of Rome
Is It True the FoR only has two members?
Yes. Amyntas Africanus (“Consul”) and Amyntas Superbus (“Tribune”). The second names are obviously not our real names but acknowledgments of famous Romans.
Why Does the FoR exist?
Many Macedonians don’t take Rome seriously - Alexander calls it a ‘village of mudhuts on the top of seven hills’. But we think great things lie ahead for Rome and Greece ought to be taking her seriously.
Ha ha ha
Hey, you are supposed to be asking us questions!
Alright. What Do You Do?
We meet every week to discuss some aspect of Roman society, history and religion.
How Do Losers Join?
Sorry, ‘losers’?! Because society numbers are still rather low, we meet in Amyntas Africanus’ tent. This also stops us from being laughed at for our beliefs. Everyone is welcome. Even women. We would love to be able to re-enact the Rape of the Sabine Women one day.
Any Last Words?
Please join our society! Rome WILL be important one day; Please, please come! And stop laughing!
No chance. Ha ha ha haaaa!

Face of our Fathers

Alcibiades

Liked his hair; a good orator.

Random Facts from Herodotus
by Hephaestion Amyntoros

• Sesostris was the only Egyptian king to rule Ethiopia
• It was Abronichus who brought news of the fate of Leonidas to the Greeks
• When asked by Darius I under what circumstances they would eat the dead bodies of their fathers, the Greeks in his court said they would do it… for not all the money in the world

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“May you bed down,
Head to breast, upon
the flesh
of a plush
companion.”
(Sappho)

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The King’s Speech
On a recent visit to the Pella Wine Tent I overheard two Macedonians arguing over whether the poet Theognis was from Megara on the Isthmus of Corinth or Megara Hyblaea. It was an interesting discussion to listen to until they started fighting. Personally, I have no idea where Theognis lived, and for the time being, do not much care.

What I do care about, however, is his wisdom. We Macedonians are proud drinkers but there does come a point when for the sake of our lives we need to stop. Theognis sums up the reason why in these lines,

My head is heavy with wine, Onomakritos, and wine overpowers me.
I am no longer in control of my good judgement,
and the room whirls about me.

A few days ago, I witnessed a drunk man lose his ‘good judgement’ [gnome] when he criticised a very important person’s relationship with a good man. The drunk almost lost his life in consequence.

The incident to which I refer is not secret so I imagine you will know what I am talking about. I exhort you, therefore, to be careful when you drink not to say the wrong thing (such as, for example, I can’t love Hephaestion) in front of the wrong person (such as, for example, me) on pain of death. Theognis shows us how we should behave,

At the common meal a man should be prudent and mindful,
… let him bring in laughter.

Alexander

What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
The rage of Elektra reaches out across the centuries. What is making her mad this week?

Elektra, still mad for it

hemera heliou Pigeons
hemera selenes Cubits
hemera Areos Angels
hemera Hermu Demons
hemera Dios Codes
hemera Aphrodites Gaul
hemera Khronu kosmos

Sponsored by Tisiphone
“Murdering murderers like there’s no tomorrow”

An Open Letter from Parmenion

On behalf of the king, thank you to everyone who made our women feel extra-special following last week’s Camp Notices. Naturally, Alexander spoke differently to you than the way I would have done, but then, he is Alexander and I am Parmenion.

A number of individuals and societies undertook events for the benefit of our women. I thank Perdiccas for his fascinating (ahem) presentation on ‘how to compile statistics while on the road‘, and Lysmichus for his on ‘good animal keeping‘; Strategos Wolfe was a much appreciated assistant! I also thank the League of Amazing Eunuchs for the insights offered in their class on the benefits of being snipped. They made a lot of men uncomfortable, and a lot of women laugh. Last, but by no means least, I thank the Union of Macedonian Mothers for its fascinating study of ‘Why women are better‘. Well, I say it was a study, but it was just Cleopatra of the UMM standing up and saying, ‘Well, we are; who dares defy me?’ No-one did, of course, which perhaps proved her point. Or re-enforced her status as the hardest women in the east.

Where there are women, children are never far behind so naturally they also were catered for. Thanks go to Ptolemy Son of Lagos for starting a series of classes at the mobile library to help women learn to write. And thanks to Polyperchon Son of Simmias and Hephaestion Amyntoros for their music classes.

Obviously we regret the deaths of a number of the children who took part in the Wine Sarissa Club’s re-staging of the battle at Arbela. I believe most were drunk, however, so would not have suffered overmuch. Naturally, the Pork Chop Soc has apologised for handing out free crucifixion and impalement kits to children during their workshop on ‘Effective methods of torture that you might require when you grow up to be a successful general‘.

Finally, thank you to the grandmothers who spent the week roving the camp, picking up lost children during the various classes and workshops and returned them to their families. Without you, no war in twenty years time will be possible.

Parmenion

Good Sex Guide
by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind your back while you are telling stupid jokes

In this edition of the GSG, I will publish a letter (with permission) and my response.

Dear Lady Aphrodite who etc etc,
My husband is a literalist and obsessed with Sophocles’ Lovers of Achilles. He has nearly killed me three times now by hurling spears at me in our bed chamber while looking at me ever so sexily. I like how he looks, but what can I do to dissuade him from this practice?
Distressed

Dear Distressed,
Please refer your husband to that portion of the play where love is compared to a snowball and remind him that in this hot climate, which we now find ourselves in, if he insists on taking master Sophocles’ play literally you ought to have no love between you at all. If he is consistent with his beliefs, he will very quickly drop them. If he doesn’t, since he loves Achilles so much, stab him in the heel.

Lady Aphrodi etc etc

Club Focus
Get to know one of the many societies within the camp

Wine Sarissa Club
Who Are We?
The Wine Sarissa Club (WSC) is dedicated to two things i. Drinking ii. Appreciation of Macedon’s finest weapon, the sarissa
What Do We Do
Drink and admire each other’s sarissas whether they be contemporary or historic (i.e. from the age of Philip II)
How To Join
Present yourself to Amyntas of the Sarissa any time you see him in the Pella Wine Tent. Membership is by initiation. This involves drinking wine from a hollowed out twenty-one foot sarissa. If you can drink it without falling over drunk or by killing yourself accidentally when you push the tip of the weapon down your throat to get the last drops of wine then you are in.

Membership is limited, but don’t worry, due to accidents and the occasional fight, we usually have vacancies.

WSC Weekly Statistics (as compiled by Perdiccas)
Adult Dead: 9
six during initiation into the club, three while drunk drinking from a sarissa
Children Dead: 6
all during the restaging of the battle at Arbela

The above adult deaths, added to those of the last few weeks means we now have 25 membership vacancies.

Camp Notices

Thaïs of Athens will be leading a new appreciation of Prometheus in the mobile library all this week at sunset. Attendees are invited to bring rations for luncheon and contribute stories of how fire has affected their lives.

The Lulz Spartans will be giving a talk in the Aegae Wine Tent this coming hemera heliou on how the Spartan state has successfully bred fine soldiers but too few generals. The talk is free - they are doing it for the lulz.

The Friends of Rome (i.e. Amyntas Superbus and Amyntas Africanus) will be curating an exhibition on the Kingdom of Rome from the hemera hermu onwards. They plead for anyone even half-interested in that seven hill mudhut village to come along.

Please can people stop telling Naïf Amyntas that is alright for men to attend the Thesmophoria festival. It is not alright. One day he will go and the women will tear him apart. He doesn’t need that. Thank you for your co-operation.

CouchWatch
This week, the Egyptian Cat shredded just a minor portion of the left armrest of Alexander’s couch. The king thanks the gods for the cat’s restraint.

Face of Our Fathers

Cleomones I was a tactically astute Spartan king. This relief may or may not be him; we’re not sure. Anyway, not surprisingly, the Spartans didn’t know a good king when they had him and deposed Cleomones. Lucky for them, and Greece, his place was taken by his half-brother, Leonidas I. For more information about Sparta, don’t forget to attend the LOL Spartans’ talk

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“He spent his days in the gaming-house, where cocks and quails are set fighting, and dice-playing goes on.”
(Æschines Against Timarchus)
Comment: tbh Timarchus sounds like our kind of man

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