Camp Notices

Camp Notices: Pelium Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros

Camp Notices
Outside Pelium

As I write these words, we prepare ourselves for the first great siege of my reign. Pelium stands before us, proud and unyielding. Inside, Cleitus shakes like a leaf in the wind.

I know this because I have spies everywhere – something that those of you who were not pleased to hear of my accession to the throne might wish to keep in mind.

As for Pelium, her walls may be standing tall today, but they hide a cowardly people – a people who were pleased to sacrifice children in order to defeat us. In doing so, they killed their future. We will smash those walls down and bring an end to their present.

Αλέξανδρος

 

POLL
Thar Be Dragons (and Olympias)
Look out of your tent, Macedonian, and you will see commanding heights, thickly wooded (thank you to Ptolemy son of Lagos for letting us use his description). Rumour has it that King Glaucias and his men are moving among the trees, getting ready for an attack. But what or who do YOU think is up there?

Amyntas son of Amyntas My best friend, Amyntas who went missing yesterday
Alexander Lyncestes My chance of ever sitting on the throne
Craterus son of Alexandros I love King Alexander, did you know that?
A Slave [No reply has he has no voice]
Seleucus son of Antiochus My future wife. I’m going to name a tree after her ❤
Sparta [Reply not preserved on grounds of irrelevance]

The Daisy List
He loves me, he loves me not… the Macedonian way
Alexander’s enemies do not pick a flower to find out if the king loves them. They do so to find out whether or not he will kill them on the morrow. Those at the top of the list need have no fear. The further down you are, however, watch out
daisy

Hephaestion – Obviously
Langaros
 – a life long friend of the king
Syrmus, king of the Triballians – knows how to show respect
Celts in general – more concerned with the sky falling on their heads
Alexander Lyncestes – alive thanks to his praise
Autariates – a bunch (tribe) of nobodies (acc. to Langaros)
Cleitus son of Bardylis – a revolting man
Glaucias – Cleitus’ mule
Philip II – Stopping Alexander from achieving glory

Expedition Scorecard
First Year of Alexander’s Reign

i. Autariates Illyria MACEDONIAN ALLIED WIN

amphora

What makes a Wine Master sad? This does.

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
As we have not progressed very far geographically since my last message I have no new wines to offer visitors to the Pella Wine Tent. However, the wines of Pelium have a good reputation among wine connoisseurs back home so I look holding a tasting session with any available vintage once Alexander has seized control of the city.

To this end, I would be grateful if all Macedonian soldiers could kindly avoid destroying whichever building the tasting session is taking place in when they burn the city down. The fire will artificially raise the temperature of the wine and will ruin what should be a pleasant diversion. Also, it is very difficult to appreciate the full flavour of a wine when you have to keep an eye on the wall beside you that is either ablaze or is about to crash down on top of you.

NoticeBoard

WANTED – An Exit Strategy
Contact: Cleitus son of Bardylis, Pelium
It is not okay to contact me with negative augurs

WANTED – Any gossip relating to King Langaros
Contact: Cynnane daughter of Philip II, Pella
Please do contact me with (believable) lies

SELLING – booty
Contact: Lysanias and/or Philotas
Sale carried out under orders of Alexander

SELLING – Carts
Contact: Any member of the Macedonian Phalanx
One previous owner, slight damage from shields

GIVING AWAY – Vol. 1 of War Report
Contact: Callisthenes
A must for all loyal Macedonians (forward by Alexander) 

Clubs and Societies

Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou
Aristobulos would like to thank all those who sent their best wishes to his chicken after she nearly drowned during his demonstration of Alexander’s Danube crossing last week. Tonight, Aristobulos will be using rations to create a food-map of the growth of Macedon under Philip II.

After the symposium, his chicken will be eating the map. Guests are welcome to stay and watch.

Aristander Discusses
Hemera Selenes
This week, Aristander and Menelaus Lagides will be discussing how training for the priesthood has changed in the last fifty years. After the symposium, both men will be signing copies of their scroll Fumes from the Ground – High as a kite and holy Mt Olympus.

The Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos
The Club President writes,
“The fact is we are in a camp that is surrounded on all sides by very high land, which is infested with enemy soldiers. We are dead men walking. So why not join the Sarissa Wine Club and be drunk dead men walking? We are a friendly society. But even if you end up with an idiot, you’ll be too wasted to care before too long. Win – win!”
Club Stats
Deaths During Last Meeting – 6
Vacancies 12

Would you like to join the Sarissa Wine Club but are not sure if you have got what it takes to drink wine out of the sharp end of a hollowed out sarissa? Why not visit our merch shop and buy a wine dagger and practice with that? Practice makes perfect, or at least a smaller injury.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu
The UMM is looking for volunteers to visit King Langaros’ court to make sure he is worthy of Princess Cynnane. Full training in assassination techniques will be given in case he is found wanting.

Philotas son of Parmenion – Foraging Techniques
Hemera Dios
Ever wanted to forage but not sure how? Join Philotas and his men as they take to the hills around Pelium in search of roots and berries and all edible shrooms. A fun day out is guaranteed.

Baggage Train

Pella Theatre Company
Hemera Aphrodites
The PTC will be putting on a production of the story of Orestes using interpretive dance. Patrons are asked not to sit in the front three rows due to the amount of flailing about the actors are required to do during the murder scenes.

NB Patrons will also be asked to sign a waiver in the event that Elektra’s dagger should go flying out of her hand again during the unpleasant, matricidal finale of Act One. The company sends its condolences to Amyntas’ widow.

Solon’s Daughters
Hemera Khronu
WANTED Men to bed in our new Celtic girls. Do you see what we did there?

 Sports News

Bull Jumping
The Amyntas son of Amyntas Memorial Bull Jumping Cup will take place on the next hemera Hermu. Prizes will be handed out by his sister Amyntas Cleopatra.

Bull-leaping

Bull Jumping. Are you “up” for it?

Dangerous Runners
The Dangerous Runners will be holding a marathon in the heights above Pelium – twenty six miles (12 laps) – of avoidable risk. Prizes will not only be given to whoever finishes 1st, 2nd and 3rd but to anyone who comes back with the head of one of Glaucias’ men. Cheats will be executed.

From The Royal Archives
Deleted Portions of Herodotos’ Manuscript
“… the truth is, I hate travelling. All I ever wanted to do was tend my garden during the day and put my feet up at in front of the fire at night.”

Sophocles’ Elektra
(Scored out in the MS)
Elektra Why can’t we all just get along?

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Picture Credits
Oxeye Daisy – Wikipedia
Broken Amphora – Penelope Wilson Western Delta Regional Survey
Bull Leaper – Wikipedia

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Camp Notices: Those Arrogant Celts Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros: a gracious winner

The King’s Speech
Danube River

It has been an exciting few days on both the sides of the mighty Danube river. To help you keep track of all the action (i.e. our military successes) I have asked Eumenes to keep an ‘Expedition Scorecard’ (below). He will update it from now until such time as I finally conquer the world.
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Back to the present; there have, of course, been disappointments. I refer, specifically, to the Celts who – despite my crossing the Danube without building a bridge, the destruction of the Getish town and general annihilation of enemy armies (whenever they have had the courtesy to stand and fight, mentioning no names Getae) – still said that they feared the sky falling on their heads more than me.
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These men are undoubtedly as proud as they are tall and one day I will cut them down to a proper size – if we can find whatever northern swamp they live in.

Αλέξανδρος
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POLL
Following on from the visit of the haughty Celts to Alexander’s tent, we asked a random selection of Macedonian soldiers “What do you fear the most?”

Amyntas of Pella The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Amyntas of Pella A spear falling on my head
Amyntas of Pella Sobriety
Amyntas of Pella Having to read Hesiod
Amyntas of Pella Elektra
Amyntas of Pella The fundamental dichotomy between nationalist sentiment and my desire for personal fulfilment
Bucephalus My shadow (answered on his behalf by his groom)

Thanks to all who took part

ADVERTISEMENT

Pine Tree Holiday Resort
Near to retirement age? Want to live somewhere safe and secure? Why not consider Pine Tree Island. It contains homes fit for a king (at the time of writing, one does indeed live there). Pine Tree is only accessible via boat and as we have discovered has very defensible shores. It is the ideal home for loners, misanthropes, men with prices on their head and Athenians.
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amphora_athenaΟ ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
The visit of the Celtic ambassadors has given us the opportunity to taste their wine. Like them, it smells funny, is a bit thick, and comes with more hairs than it should. If you don’t mind picking the latter out, however, the wine can be a rewarding drink. Unlike the Celts it is very strong and does not surrender easily. One krater will last at least half an evening for a normal drinker (ten minutes for a Pella Wine Tent regular). We think this may be due to Germanic influence in the Gaulish vinification process.

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WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Celtic wines – barbarian and brutal
Hemera Heliou
Wines of the Quadi Has a very mysterious taste
Hemera Selenes
Marcomanni Wine Gives you legs for marching
Hemera Areos
Iazyges Wine Wanders where it will
Hemera Hermu
Getae Wine Not a statement but a tribe
Hemera Dios
Scythian Wine Better than their cooking
Hemera Aphrodites
Triballian Wine It runs, it hides, it loses. We’re not even trying now, are you; just making fun of the Celts [You’re fired – Eumenes]
Hemera Khronu
Free Thracian Wine Stolen from the carts; rolls easily down the throat.

Expedition Scorecard
First Year of Alexander’s Reign

i. Free Thracians (armed traders). Mount Haemus. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Thracians escaped
ii. Triballians. Lyginus River. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Triballians escaped
iii. Getae. Across the Danube. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: The Getae were bad sports and ran rather than fight

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
All dates are subject to change in the event of a battle taking place on that day or cancellation in the event that the host is killed during said battle

Aristobulos and his Chicken
Hemera heliou Join Aristobulos at the Danube as he demonstrates how Alexander effected his exciting crossing of that mighty river using only stuff and tent. Unfortunately, no soldiers could be spared for this demonstration, so the crossing will be undertaken by Aristobulos’ chicken under his guidance.

  • Will she make it to the other side without pecking open the tent and eating the hay, grain and whatever else is inside? Come and find out! Bets will be taken

Aristander Discusses
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be holding a symposium on How to Introduce your children to the Gods Without Scaring Them to Death. All parents welcome.

The Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos
The Club President writes,
“The visit of the Celtic ambassadors gave us an opportunity to quiz them regarding the drinking-game habits of the various Celtic tribes. Come to the Pella Wine Tent at sundown to hear what we learnt before we all got drunk (Don’t listen to the nay-sayers; the celts can really put their alcohol away).

…..“Further to the above, after the meeting we will be holding the cremation of those Celts who attempted to join the SWC during their visit and sadly failed. On this point, the Club currently has eight vacancies for new members.

…..Don’t die wondering what might have happened had you joined. Join. You’ll still die – probably more quickly, too – but at least you’ll die happy.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu Is your daughter being picked on by her brother? We will be holding a special class “Ambush and Assassination Techniques for Girls” so that she can get her own back.

The UMM. Winning in the Shadows.  

River Tours

The Danube. Can you spot what Alexander didn't use? (Source: Wikipedia)

The Danube. Can you spot what Alexander didn’t use? (Source: Wikipedia)

Hemera Dios Enjoy our stay by the Danube with a trip along the river. For the price of a cup of wine, you can –

  • Shout abuse at the Triballians holed up on Pine Tree Island
  • Hold sacrifices to your favourite gods
  • Pour libations to Danube
  • Re-enact famous naval battles with your friends (coracles must be used; extra fee; we take no responsibility for any deaths)

Baggage Train

Theatre
Hemera Aphrodites The Pella Theatre Co. launches its new season with a special Celtic version of Œdipus Rex. All the characters have drooping moustaches, refuse to talk too each other out of haughtiness and worry more about the sky falling on them than accidentally sleeping with their mothers.

Solon’s Daughters
Hemera Khronu Are the prostitutes of Naucratis really so beautiful? Find out in the brothel at the end of the week as we are about to be joined by some new Naucratian girls. For an extra fee, they’ll talk dirty and demotic to you!!!

Sports News

Bull Jumping
Who could have known that Amyntas of Aegae’s peg leg would break under him as he attempted to jump his first bull after being gored. Sadly, Amyntas fell right onto the bull’s horns and was gored again, this time to death. Our condolences go to his family, especially his father, Amyntas, son, Amyntas, and daughter, Amyntas— only joking, Cleopatra.

Running
The Society of Dangerous Runners have started up a new league that may be even more dangerous than membership of the Sarissa Wine Club. The league will comprise of runs from or to dangerous locations. Failure to successfully complete the run may result in painful death. The first run will be the hundred metre dash from Cleopatra of the UMM’s tent to the Aegae Wine Tent after shouting “The UMM are tramps!” at her.  If you are hard enough and fast enough to compete, please let Amyntas of Pella know.

Poetry
The winner of this week’s competition is Jason son of Jason for his poem Danube: The Truth

I stood upon the southern shore,
And stretched my arms out wide,
“O Danube, Danube, speak to me
In me you may confide.
Tell me your secrets, tell me your life,
tell me what you know;
Of men, of gods, of animals
of all things high and low.”

And Danube he did hear my call,
My prayer upon the shore.
And these true words he spoke to me,
his unworthy servant poor:
“Blub, blub, blub, blub, bllllrb, blub
gurgle, gurgle, blub
plop, plop, ploppity, plop
gurgle, gurgle, blub.”

Magic words! Mystic words! For this and every age
O Danube may you never cease
to be a blubbing and gurgling sage!

The judges were particularly impressed by Jason’s ability to get inside the Danube’s mind and represent his thought in a way that was respectful of the river’s divinity and majesty and yet also accessible even to young listeners.
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

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Camp Notices: First Blood Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
River Lyginus
.
Last summer, the Greeks (except the Lacedaemonians about whom nobody cares) voted to make me supreme commander of the expedition against the Persians. It was a glorious moment which, if you can remember it, means you weren’t there. I believe there are soldiers who are still nursing hangovers from the after-voting parties.
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Thirteen days ago, those of us who had recovered, set out from Amphipolis to secure Macedon’s borders against attack from the Triballian and Illyrian people. On Mount Haemus the phalanx was attacked by an avalanche of carts and not one man was killed.
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How did this miracle happen? Well, we know how; I would like to point you to the why. The phalanx survived because,

α. It obeyed my orders
β. The gods are on our side
γ. See (α) and (β) above and repeat to my your heart’s content

As we continue operations against our Thracian foes and prepare for the Persian war, I know that you will not forget the above. Particularly (α). Why would you? Obedience to me will ensure that glory, even if not long life, awaits you. And if glory is not enough of a reason consider that following (α) will virtually guarantee you a quicker death than a traitor gets. No king who sometimes has to execute even his friends can say much fairer than that.

Have a good day.

Alexander
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POLL
The Camp Notices is dedicated to getting to know what the rank and file think. This has nothing to do with intelligence gathering and everything to do with a  genuine interest in the soldiers’ thoughts. Honest. This week, we asked a random selection of phalangites,

Which country are you looking most forward to invading, and why?

Amyntas of Aegae Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Lyncestia Same as Amyntas – Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Methani Rhodes. It has money and lots of ships. I like ships
Amyntas of Amphipolis Same as Amyntas and Amyntas, though not Amyntas – Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Olynthus Egypt, because it’s rich. Has anyone said that?
Amyntas of Pella Egypt – I hear the women are beautiful. Oh yes, and it’s rich
Ptolemaios of Pella Egypt, because it is rich

Thanks to all who took part
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
I have had a busy three days since the Macedonian phalanx locked shields and bravely lay down underneath them so that the oncoming Thracian carts did no more than clatter over head and body.

For, despite the fact that the Pella Wine Tent’s amphorae are carried on armoured carts in the middle of the baggage train surrounded by veterans who are sworn to protect them even unto death, despite all this, an ugly and false rumour went round that some of the enemy carts kept running after leaving the phalanx and smashed into the PWT’s amphorae spilling the wine into the ground. There was panic, and I believe one man drowned himself in mud alleged to have been created by the wine spill, shouting as he dived, “Give me wine or give me death!”.

As soon as I heard this rumour I made it my responsibility to go up and down the line and inform as many of you as possible that it was not so. With these new Camp Notices I am delighted to tell all of you in writing (or those of you who can read, anyway) what I have been saying with my own tongue these last seventy-two hours straight: OUR WINE IS SAFE. If you don’t believe me, come to the tent. See; Drink; Believe! Get drunk; join the Sarissa Wine Club; enjoy the remaining three hours of your life before you accidentally decapitate yourself drinking wine from a hollowed out sarissa!
Amyntas
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WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Archon wines inspired by Athens’ first rulers
Hemera Heliou
MEDON WINE Very popular in Delphi
Hemera Selenes
ACASTUS WINE Said to be so strong it’ll make a democrat of a king; not true
Hemera Areos
ARCHIPPUS WINE A lighter version of the Acastus wine
Hemera Hermu
THERSIPPUS WINE So strong you’ll want it to rule you for life 
Hemera Dios
PHORBAS WINE Too strong for Trojans
Hemera Aphrodites
MEGACLES WINE This wine can also function as a clothes cleaner removing even impossible staines
Hemera Khronu
DIOGNETUS WINE For pro-drinkers and alcoholics only as gives you a headache that’ll last for thirty years* (*days)
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ADVERTISEMENT
CARTS FOR SALE

  • Did you capture any men, women or children or possessions belonging to said invidiuals in the fighting following the Thracians’ “sauve-qui-peut” on Mount Haemus?
  • Have you nothing to put the goods or injured civilians on as a result?

A number of carts survived their close encounter with our phalanx and are available for sale at competitive prices from Honest Amyntas. If you would like to buy one, put the word out and he’ll find you.

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
All dates are subject to change in the event of a battle taking place on that day or cancellation in the event that the host is killed during said battle

Aristobulos and his Chicken
This hemera heliou join Aristobulos as he conducts an exciting experiment at the top of the nearest hill. Amyntas the modeller has kindly made him a to-scale cart and figurines with which he will demonstrate to those who didn’t see what happened on Mount Haemus how the Thracians tried to kill our mighty men. To add an extra bit of excitement, though, Aristobulos will be adding grain to the cart and placing his chicken in it.

  • Will she eat all the grain before the cart reaches the bottom of the hill?
  • Will the noise of the shields cause her to fly away?
  • Will she fly away as the cart flies down the hill?

Come along and find out!

Aristander Discusses
The Linear b Rite of the daily sacrifices is enjoying a resurgence in popularity among old and young alike. Join Aristander in his tent on the next hemera Selenes as he explains what these ancient and venerable words mean. Wine will be served. By the end of the evening you will either be drunk or able to conduct your own private offerings in Mycenaean Greek.

DID YOU KNOW? The Mycenaeans had 123.5 words for ‘wine’? Depending upon demand, Aristander will be holding classes to teach them to any who are interested.

 

The Sarissa Wine Club on its way to drink

The Sarissa Wine Club on its way to drink

The Sarissa Wine Club
The Club President Writes,
“It has come to my attention that Club members who took Thracians prisoner during our recent engagement with them on Mount Haemus have been forcing their slaves to drink wine out of their hollowed-out sarissae.

…..“This is an unacceptable practice.

…..“The right to drink wine out of a hollowed-out sarissa is given to us by the king and is not to be taken lightly lest he choose to deprive us of it. Members should resist with great strength the pleas even of their mothers and fathers should they ask them if they might also drink from their sarissa. Remember, non-members are non-trained and cannot be relied upon to drink safely from our most deadly of weapons.

…..“Some will say ‘But neither can Sarissa Wine Club members, that’s why you have on average three cremations a week and a permanent recruitment drive’ and while that’s true it is also beside the point. In any case, why risk killing your slave when you will be able to get a good price for him or her in the market place?

…..“To bring order to the situation, we will be holding a special Slave Sarissa Wine Drinking competition in the Pella Wine Tent this coming hemera Areos. All slaves nominated for the contest will be given full training on how to safely drink wine out of a sarissa half an hour beforehand, or twenty minutes if I’m late. The winning slave owner will receive an amphora of wine of his choice. The slave will receive nothing as he is scum and not to be regarded as human, although I need to check up on that.”

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Alexander’s army has fought its first battle. The men are already growing rich. Can they be relied upon to save or spend their money wisely? No, of course not. Given half a chance they’ll spend it on wine, whores or by gambling it away. Do you want to stop this from happening? If so, come to our symposium on the hemera hermu next week to how to simultaneously take control of your husband’s money and convince him that he is still in charge of it

Booty Tracker
Did you send any slaves or booty home after our fight with the Thracians? Did you ask for confirmation of its arrival at the correct location? Join us on the next hemera Dios. By then, a messenger should have arrived from Lysanias and Philotas to let us know that everything has indeed been delivered to the correct place. If it turns out your slave(s)/booty has gone astray you can let us know and we will write to Lysanias and Philotas by return so that they can put the matter right.

You earned your reward. Don’t let it slip away!

Baggage Train

Family Entertainment
This coming hemera Aphrodites, Amyntas of the popular Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra acting troupe will be presenting a one-man show “A Day in the Life of Hesiod” which seeks to explore in as authentic a manner as possible the boring existence of the man who has somehow become our second most famous poet. The production is aimed at hyperactive children and comes with a guarantee that by the end of it even they will be stupefied to the point of utter and deep stillness.

Solon’s Daughters
Next hemera Khronu, the Daughters will be holding a Whores and Hegemons party to celebrate recent Macedonian successes over the awful Thracians. Come dressed up. If you do, though, please make sure the costume belongs to you.

Sports News

Pankration
Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae on his victory over Amyntas of Aegae in the Pan-Hellenic Pankration League this week; it was a win that was all the more remarkable for Amyntas having blinded Amyntas in both eyes in the early moments of the contest.

Bull Jumping
Commiserations to Amyntas of Aegae who had to have his leg amputed this week following his goring ten days ago. We understand, however, that he will be taking part in the peg leg competition where he is certain to be a success.

Medea and Jason

Medea and Jason

Poetry
Congratulations to Marcus the Roman who won this week’s first prize with his poem titled ‘Medea Upon Slaying Her Children’. The full text of his winning entry is as follows.

Oops

Marcus writes,
“My poem is an epic romance which seeks to draw elements of high mythology and social realism together in order to form an organic whole. Medea has often been regarded as wholly to blame for the deaths of her children, Tisander and Alcimenes; what I wanted to do is subvert that traditional understanding of her rôle by presenting a view of her which not only dissonant and discomforting but also tender and life-affirming. My Medea is Life – my life, your life, everyone’s life; as my words reveal, she is – in effect – the Cosmic Other. I hope that in reading my poem, the reader will be inspired to contemplate the mysteries of our existence in a way that he has never done before.”
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

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Camp Notices: Hegemon of Greece Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
Corinth

He will never leave Pella, they said.
I came. I conquered. A third clause would make this aphorism neater but only at the cost of falsifying history. Let the slow write more words. I shall settle for marching forth now and defeating the Persian Empire.
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‘Now’? If nothing else, let me not speak too quickly! Now that the Greeks have confirmed me as the supreme commander of the mission of vengeance against the iniquitous Persians, let us drink and make merry. Get used to the taste of glory, my friends, for tomorrow we will dine in Babylon.
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Alexander
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ADVERTISEMENT
WANTED
Mercenaries in the Macedonian Army. Benefits include:

  • Glory
  • Loot (as much as you and your donkey can carry)
  • Competitive rates of pay
  • A superb opportunity to see the end of the world [Is that right? Eumenes]
  • Discount membership of the Sarissa Wine Club incl. paid-for funeral should you die during a SWC meeting

See any Macedonian captain for more details
Spartans need not apply. Not that they would want to. Haughty gits.
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
Our speedy passage through Greece has not stopped your hard-working Master from assembling  an unbeatable collection of wines for the Pella Wine Tent. Want to try flowery wine from Messenia? Or perhaps black wine from Thasos? What about medicinal wine from Kos? Maybe wine from Naxos – the birthplace* of Dionysus – would be more to your taste. Whichever you like, come along to the Pella Wine Tent and see what we have to offer.

* Other alleged birthplaces are in existence

ο του οινου αναξ

WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Hemera Heliou
WINE FROM THESSALY. Strong. Makes you cavalier.

Hemera Selenes
WINE FROM DELPHI. Authoritative taste; weak light bodied

Hemera Areos
WINE FROM THEBES. Alexander’s Choice. You’ll want to write a victory ode after drinking this fine wine!

Hemera Hermu
WINE FROM ATHENS. Bitter tasting

Hemera Dios
WINE FROM SPARTA. Unpopular but believes in itself even if no one else does

Hemera Aphrodites
WINE FROM ARIONIC CORINTH. Has musical notes

Hemera Khronu
WINE FROM PERSIA. Stocks limited. Drink now before it disappears forever!

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard

Aristobulos and the Chicken
This coming hemera Heliou Aristobulos will make be making models of all Greeks using only grain and hair. Guests are welcome to watch his chicken peck the Spartan models to death afterwards.

 

The pythia (The Pythia's Greatest Utterances. Out now in papyrus)

The Pythia’s Greatest Utterances. Out now in papyrus

Aristander Discusses
On the hemera Selenes, Aristander discusses The Pythia’s Greatest Utterances – his new book on the Delphic Oracle’s most famous forecasts. Guests will be invited to guess which ones proved to be correct, and which weren’t. The symposium includes free wine and reading of entrails afterwards.

Sarissa Wine Club
The Club President Writes,
“The Greeeks’ affirmation of Alexander as their hegemon has opened the door for all Hellenes to join the SWC. We welcome all new members, wherever they come from (except Persia and Sparta), with open arms.

…..“I have, however, been made aware that some of our Macedonian members fear there will be a possible dilution (no pun intended) of club principles given that our Greek brothers like to mix their drinks. I assure you this will not happen. To ensure that it does not, new non-Macedonian members will be required to take an oath that they will never drink mixed wine out of their sarissas.

…..“As part of this oath, in fact it is the oath because let’s face it actions speak louder than words, new non-Macedonian members will be required to drink unmixed wine from their sarissas until they are alcoholics or dead. The oath and subsequent activities/deaths will take place this coming hemera Areos. I can assure prospective members that, in accordance with club rules, should they die their funerals will be paid for.”

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
On the next hemera Hermu the UMM will be holding a symposium with non-Macedonian Mothers to learn new and exciting ways of making our menfolk do what we want. All women welcome. Men coming disguised as women will be impaled. You have been warned, Amyntas.

Diogenes’ Tub
Have you got something you want out of the way? Come to our meeting on the next hemera Dios and let us get rid of it for you. Please note we are not a ‘league of assassins’. Diogenes’ Tub exists to help people get rid of unwanted ITEMS not people! This was a vicious rumour, probably started in the Pella Wine Tent by some drunken lout!

Baggage Train

 

Actaeon sees Artemis in the buff. Life is about to get very hard for him

Actaeon sees Artemis in the buff. Life is about to get very hard for him

Family Entertainment
Fathers! How old is your son? Whatever his age you can be sure that tomorrow he will be one day closer to lusting after women. Stop him in his tracks by bringing him to Amyntas and Cleopatra’s production of “Actaeon: How LUST Tore This Squalid Man To Shreds”. He’ll never look at women pervily again! Shows begin on the hemera Aphrodites.

Solon’s Daughters’ Brothel
Fathers! Have you paid for your son to see Amyntas and Cleopatra’s new play? If so, why not sell your own ticket and visit us instead. If you do so next hemera Khronu you will receive a discount should you come again.

Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller is delighted to announce…
… that his new range of Athenian figurines – with movable limbs so that you can make them run back into their city in a panic at news of Alexander’s advance into Greece – are now available to buy
… he will be a carving a limited edition series of Alexander and Diogenes (tubs included) meeting. Think Alexander should have said something even more witty to the famous Cynic? Buy one of these models and you can make him do so in or out of the way of the sun!
… has carved a delightful model of Arion and his dolphin (sailors sold separately) for sale to any rich Corinthian who values his city’s rich history

Sports In Brief

Bull Jumping
Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae on winning this week’s bull jumping. He managed to jump twelve bulls successfully before getting gored. We hope he gets well soon and does not have to have his leg amputated.

Poetry
No one should have to die for a poem so it is with great sadness that we must report the death of eight people involved in the riot that took place in the Pella Wine Tent on the hemera Areos last week after Amyntas of Aegae (not the Amyntas who was gored) read a poem controversially supporting the claim of the current Great King to his throne. We hope that Amyntas will be a little more circumspect in his choice of subject next time.
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Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae (not the Amyntas who caused a riot or who was gored) who won this week’s poetry prize for the following poem that explores Orestes’ emotions following the murder of his mother and Aegisthus with searing honesty and insight. We reproduce the text in full below.

O f***
O f***
O f***
O f***
O f***
I’m f****ed
f***
This is all your bloody fault Elektra
f***
I need a f****ing drink

Homer, watch out.

Pankration
Want to join the new pan-hellenic pankration league? Trials will be held all next week in the Pella Wine Tent. There will be two trials. The first will be held at sunset and will be for candidates who wish to fight sober both now and in the league. The second will be held at midnight for those who prefer to fight drunk.
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Tags: | 6 Comments

Camp Notices… Thessaly Here We Come Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
Thessaly, first year of my reign
“My dear friends, as you read these words we are preparing to leave Thessaly and enter central Greece where my loyal Greek allies will confirm my leadership of our alliance against the Persians. That the Greeks will elect me as Leader is a foregone conclusion – the position is my birthright, after all – but as you may have heard, malcontents have been stirring up trouble in Thebes and Athens. It is important that we do not give them justification for their actions. Please ensure, therefore, that you are on your best behaviour while we are on Greek soil. To help you in this regard,  I have written the following Dos and Don’ts.”

DO

  1. Compliment any Athenian you meet on their democracy while keeping a straight face
  2. Make any Spartans you meet feel relevant
  3. Remind anyone who says otherwise that Macedonians are Greek. Though our languages are different we worship the same gods and share the same descent. If possible, try and learn some Greek ( and not just threats and swear words)
  4. Drop Aristotle’s name into any conversation you have especially with reference to his being my tutor and his father being my grandfather’s doctor. Feel free to remind the Greeks that when Euripides left Athens it was Macedon that he chose to come to
  5. Keep your sarissae and swords sharpened, just in case

DON’T

  1. Mix water with your wine. It is important that we keep up standards while away from home
  2. Let any Greek bait you by pointing out how Alexander I medised during the Persian Wars. If this happens remind them that more Greeks fought on Xerxes’ side than on the Greek (and also, I would add, how few Greek cities took part in the War)
  3. Forget to let me know if you hear any plots against me (penalty for forgetting: death)
  4. Listen to anyone who says I killed my father because I didn’t, as you well know; right?
  5. Don’t compare yourself to Achilles to any Greek. In fact, to anyone. I am Achilles, and I am not in the business of sharing my identity
  6. (Except with Hephaestion)

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
Forced marches bring out the best and worst in people. The best happens when at the end of the day everyone whips out their gourds and takes a swig of wine that was bought in the Pella Wine Tent the previous night; the worst is when everyone does that and proceeds to get drunk before helping to erect the PWT for tonight.
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The Pella Wine Tent does not erect herself, my friends, and there is no wine tent fairy to raise her while you are boozing! Sadly, my Stair campaign – “You can built a stair in a mountain but can you build a wine tent in five minutes?” YCBaSiaMBCYBaWTi5M for short – failed, despite my imaginative use of capitals, small letters and numbers.
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Therefore, I would like to thank Ptolemy Lagides for coming up with a new campaign – “So You Think You Are the Strongest Man in Macedon? PROVE IT. Erect This Tent So We Can All Get Drunk!”. He really does have a way with words. And thank YOU to all the Macedonians who have entered the contest. There’s nothing like harnessing a people’s natural competitiveness and desire for alcohol in order to get a dull job done, and quickly.

ο του οινου αναξ
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On Offer This Week in the Pella Wine Tent
Hemera Heliou HONEY WINE
Hemera Selenes WINE AND CHEESE
Hemera Areos WINE FROM ACROSS THE WINE BLOOD RED SEA
Hemera Hermu WINE THAT GIVES YOU WINGS
Hemera Dios WINE FIT FOR A KING
Hemera Aphrodites WINE LOVINGLY SERVED
Hemera Khronu WINE PAST ITS SELL-BY DATE

Orestes doesn't pay for his round, the Erinyes get annoyed

Orestes doesn’t pay for his round, the Erinyes get annoyed

This week’s guest wine is Tempe Reserve. It’s so strong you’ll need to think up a new strategy to drink it
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Clubs and Societies Noticeboard

Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou For those who can’t believe that Alexander did actually have a stair carved into the Vale of Tempe Aristobulos will be crafting a model of the valley and showing how it was done; he will be using only leaves, rotting turnip and fishbones. All welcome. Those not attending the after-model symposia are asking not to disturb the chicken as she eats the turnips.

  • If you would like a permanent model of the Vale, see Amyntas Master Modeller’s notice below

Gods Wills’ Hunting
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be doing his bit to build up brotherhood between Macedonians and Greeks by holding a symposia on the subject of Greek and Macedonian god worship. Titled They Must Be The Same As They Both Screw Us Over the symposia will be followed by augury readings for those who desire them.

Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos In honour of our soon to be new allies/late unlamented Thessalian scum traitors we will be drinking as much Thessalian wine as possible out of our hollowed out sarissae from sundown onwards. Wine will be sold at usual club rates and there will be further discounts for members who do not ask how we got hold of it at such short notice.

  • Due to accidents at last week’s meeting there are currently five places in the Club for anyone wanting to join. There is no age limit but if you are still young don’t tell your parents
  • Interested in acquiring a Thessalian property (incl. vineyard) that has come onto the market following the sad and violently accidental death of its owner? If so speak to Amyntas, President of the SWC. He is acting on behalf of the deceased’s son who appears to have had his tongue cut out

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu The UMM will be holding its weekly council with Alexander at sunrise. If you are a mother and want to have your opinion heard / threaten any of the king’s senior officers / see how both are done then come along.

The Royal Society of Imperialists and Dynasts
Hemera Deos Thessaly was the home of Achilles, our king’s illustrious ancestor. As Alexander prepares to receive the loyalty of today’s Thessalians, we will be taking the opportunity to read of Achilles’ great exploits.

  • Copies of the Iliad will be provided
  • Bonus Thessaly is famed for its cavalry. We will also be discussing its strengths and weaknesses for aspiring emperors such as – hm – Alexander

Baggage Train

Family Entertainment
Fathers – Do you have an idealistic daughter? Does she need a bit of reality drummed into her? Why not bring her along to Cleopatra, Cleopatra and Amyntas’s performance of “Aeneas and Dido: How A Feckless Man Caused a Noble Woman To Die” It’s a fun and educational play about social mores and suicide. Sponsored by the Union of Macedonian Mothers.

Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller…
… is delighted to announce that his Vale in a Bale model has now gone into production. Buy it fresh and watch as the hay degrades to reveal a beautiful carving of the Vale of Tempe with our brave cavalry and infantry marching up it underneath
… confirms that his models of Athenian soldiers will be carved to third class standard in order to accurately reflect the state of the Athenian army since the Peloponnesian War
… denies that he is selling models in the fourth class (uncarved wood) of Spartan soldiers reflecting its current state. Ha ha

Brothel
Solon’s Daughters have the greatest pleasure in announcing a new sex position. Called the Ossa Climb it involves ‘climbing’ up one’s partner and pleasuring them one step at a time. Come (ahem) to the brothel any day or time to find out more.

Weapons
Amyntas & Sons
There will be a discount on all horse-engraved items for the duration of our stay in Thessaly. In the event that Alexander receives the loyalty of the Thessalians these items will be made available to the natives so BUY NOW to avoid disappointment later.

Upcoming Symposia
Next Hemera Aphrodites

Leonnatus on wrestling and why it is the best sport ever, and if you don’t agree he’ll break your Athenian neck
Antigonus Monophthalmus on living with one eye and cyclops taunts
Ptolemy son of Lagos on [subject to be decided but there will be plenty of wine so come anyway]

Sports Report

Pankration
The Pankration League has been suspended until further notice due to the deaths-in-combat of several team members. An inquiry into these tragic events and why they took so long to happen is on-going.

Charioteers please note: This is the only time a person should be seen in front of a chariot.

Charioteers please note: This is the only time a person should be seen in front of a chariot.


Chariot Racing

Teams are asked to not deliberately ride into their enemies if they see them watching a race. People want to win races against committed opponents not those busy settling scores.

Poetry
Can you write a poem about men spearing themselves to death while drinking wine? The Poetry League has teamed up with the Sarissa Wine Club to find Macedon’s best wine-death-sarissa poets. There will be individual and team events.

Javelin
Throw your javelin the furthest! Join the javelineers outside the camp on the next hemera Khronu for wine, song and javelin throwing. There will be a team event for sarissa throwers.

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Tags: | Leave a comment

Court Notices… State of Affairs Edition

Megas Alexandros

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
“I have enemies to the left of me, and enemies to the right; the barbarians want their native kings back while the Greeks are confused. My counsellors tell me that I should leave the Greeks be and bring the barbaroi under my yoke using a softly-softly approach. If I listened to them, however, Macedon would last as long as it took me to drain a krater of wine. Grasp your sarissa and sword, men; we go south to the Peloponnese on the morrow. There, the Greeks will confirm me as hegemon of the campaign agains the vile Persians! Women, embrace your men and pray for them. They leave as soldiers but with the gods’ help will return as heroes.

Alexander
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
“One of the privileges of being the Master of the Wine is hearing the King’s plans in advance. Thus, I am able to write this notice in the knowledge that Alexander has decided to march to the Peloponnese to seek Greek support for his leadership of the invasion of the Persian Empire. And by ‘seek’, I do – of course – mean ‘demand’ and ‘get’ and ‘if he isn’t given it he will massacre the whole stupid lot of them as they rightly deserve’.
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This is good news but naturally Macedonians will be concerned about their access to good wine during the coming journey. Let me assure you that I am already putting in place measures to ensure that the Pella Wine Tent is not only fully stocked during our march south but that we will have wine all the way from here to Babylon!
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Being the Master of the Wine is hard work but every time I see a drunk Macedonian stabbing his brother in the face at the end of a long and pointless argument I know I have done my bit to uphold the honour of my country and am proud.

ο του οινου αναξ
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On Offer This Week in the Pella Wine Tent
Hemera Heliou WINE
Hemera Selenes WINE
Hemera Areos WINE
Hemera Hermu WINE
Hemera Dios WINE
Hemera Aphrodites WINE
Hemera Khronu WINE

 

The Dying Gaul? He's not drunk, he's just had too much to drink

He’s not drunk, he’s just had too much to drink

This Week’s Guest Beer is Gaulish Bastard, a tough ale that goes down hard and is never far from coming back up again.

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard

Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou Join Aristobulos in his house at sunset as he makes a model of what Greece will look like if the Greeks refuse to submit to Alexander’s rule. It will be made of rubbish and woe with a lacing of grief and seed carved in the shape of men. These will be eaten with contempt by his chicken during the following symposium.

Gods’ Will Hunting
Hemera Selenes (at the ninth hour). Does an eagle keep flying over little Amyntas? Has he dreamt of a mysterious hand writing on the wall? Do you never believe anything Cleopatra says despite it coming true? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’ then you need to attend Aristander’s symposium on ‘Prophecy and discernment: a guide’. After the symposium is over Aristander and his team of priests will be available to answer individual enquiries.

Sarissa Wine Club
Amyntas, Club President Writes “Are you still feeling the disappointment of Demetrios’ recent failure to break the record for Longest Uninterrupted Drink out of a Hollowed Out Sarissa? Then come to the Pella Wine Tent any night and drink/accidentally stab yourself into oblivion with the SWC! Following a spate of copycat deaths occasioned by Demetrios’ record attempt we have 12 vacancies for club membership.”
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Union of Macedonian Mothers
Cleopatra of the UMM writes “Due to circumstances beyond our control, Euridike’s (niece of Attalus) talk on ‘Life as a Royal Wife’ – which was due to be given on the next hemera Areos – has had to be cancelled. Permanently. Queen Olympias has kindly agreed to step in with a talk on ‘Death of a Royal Wife’.

Top Topics on UMMsnet This Week

  • Alexander’s First Weeks: An Assessment by Cleopatra of the UMM (No comments allowed)
  • Memories of Amyntas IV 98 comments
  • Cleopatra, Euridike and Cleopatra – >:[ (Topic Closed – Moderator)
  • Are Our Games Violent Enough? 1024 comments
  • DEBATE: Unmixed wine at two: too early or too late? 2038 comments
  • The Day My Son’s Pet Mouse Got Stuck In His Father’s SWC Sarissa – a story 6 comments
  • POLL: Sexy Hephaestion or Smashable Craterus? 5000 comments
  • Who’s Who in Alexander’s Court and How to Destroy Them (Private thread)
  • Will The Greeks Support Alexander? 238 comments
  • The Trouble With the Tribbles – War in the North? 97 comments

 

Pankratiatists doing what they do best - beating each other to a pulp

Pankratiatists doing what they do best – beating each other to a pulp

The League of Professional Pankratiatists
A society dedicated to opposing the imposition of any rules in our great sport
Word has come to us that our brother Pankratiasts in Athens want to disallow eye gouging. Join the LPP this coming hemera Hermu to reject this proposal and challenge Athens to a fight to the death for talking soft. 

Baggage Train

Family Entertainment
Need a rest from your children? Why not take them to Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra’s “Orestes & Elektra Play Day”? While you take a rest, Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra will dress up as the Furies and chase your little ones into madness and/or death all afternoon. One drachma per child.

Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller…
… regrets to announce the withdrawal from sale of all Amyntas IV statues and statuettes
… has great pleasure in announcing a new line of breakable hoplite and Triballian models (more to come)
… is holding an open day for all interested in becoming a sculptor next hemera Dios. Arrive before the sixth hour and get a free statue of your choice, which will be carved by one of my hard working apprentices on the day!

Brothel
Solon’s Daughters have great pleasure in announcing that we passed our recent inspection. After a thorough examination, the said inspectors declared themselves to be ‘very satisfied, indeed’! Come and visit us on the next hemera Aphrodites as we celebrate this good news with a 2 4 1 offer!

Weapons
Amyntas & Sons
The times are a little less violent at the moment thanks to our king’s speedy actions but they will soon be heating up again. If you have had a premonition of dying in the coming conflagration why not pay a visit to Amyntas & Sons and pick a weapon to go down fighting with.

Symposia
Next hemera Khronu unless otherwise stated
Cleitus son of Dropides will be holding a second symposium to mourn the death of Philip II. He promises to stop crying this time.
(Sexy) Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on ‘Chilon Ephor and God: Interpretations and understandings in the age of Philip II
Meleager will be holding a symposium on ‘Why the Macedonian Infantry makes our cavalry look like a bunch of Athenian girls on their ponies‘. To be followed by a riot, death and execution of the ring leaders, most likely.
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Tags: , | 1 Comment

Court Notices: Er… About That Wedding Edition

Alexander - RIGHTFUL king of Macedon

Alexander – RIGHTFUL king of Macedon

The King’s Speech
“Five days ago, the Macedonian court and our Greek guest-friends gathered in Aegae’s theatre to celebrate the marriage of my uncle, Alexander, and my sister, Cleopatra.
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“My father went to the theatre in peace, wanting to do no more than open the celebrations for the day; he was met there, however, by violence, for as he walked towards the wedding guests – the dodekatheon behind him – the traitor suddenly blocked his path. The traitor produced a blade and before we could stop him thrust it into my father’s chest.
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“My father died instantly, and the traitor fled from the theatre; he was pursued, caught, and executed by three brave Macedonian noblemen.
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“As they carried out the will of the gods outside the theatre so did Antipater of Pieria within it, and he acclaimed me king. Seeing Father Zeus act through Antipater, the Macedonian court and assembled guest-friends shouted their approval of his actions.
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“In the last few days you in my army, and you my people, alike have also recognised that Zeus favours me, and you have given me your loyalty.
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“In return I will make Macedon prosperous. Indeed, I have already started by cutting certain taxes. I will make Macedon safe. Again, I have already started by ordering preparations to be made for a campaign against the barbarians to our north.
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“And I will finish the war of vengeance that my father started against the hateful Persian Empire. This I will do on behalf of all Greeks so that the shame of Persia’s invasion of these lands one hundred and fifty years ago will be avenged forever.
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Alexander

***

A hoplite offering sacrifice at an altar

A hoplite offering sacrifice at an altar

Prayers
Wondering what to make sacrifices and offerings for this week? Let Aristander offer some suggestions
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Hemera Heliou
For the peace of our allies; may they never forget that if they fail us, we’ll kill them
Hemera selenes
That the ghosts in the cellar who frighten all the family (let’s be honest) will stop frightening the children at the second hour of morning.
Hemera Areos
For the shade of the inventor of the booby trap; may he be given entry into Elysium for the good that he did
Hemera Hermu
For our traders; may they stop trying to rip us off before we rip off their faces
Hemera Dios
For the shades of all those who died in accidents following Alexander’s accession to the throne; especially Argead family members
Hemera Aphrodites
For our prostitutes; they truly are smashing people
Hemera Khronu
For men with prematurely grey hair; may wisdom also come early to them

***

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
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“Ahem.
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“On behalf of the Friends of the Wine Tent I would like to apologise for my predecessor’s statement in the last edition of the Court Notices. It gave gross offence to our late king’s son who, following the dreadful events in the Aegae theatre, happens to now be our king.
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“Filled with sadness as we are at Philip’s death, I would like – on behalf of the Friends and all the WT patrons – like to wish Alexander a long and glorious reign.
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“Please don’t kill us.
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“My predecessor was half drunk when wrote his diatribe; none of us knew about it, I promise.
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“And when he, on the night following Philip’s murder, when he accidentally stabbed himself to death twenty-eight times before throwing himself into the path of the passing chariot we did nothing to stop it.
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“What I am trying to get across is that WE ARE LOYAL TO YOU ALEXANDER.
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“Wine, and doing whatever it takes to placate Alexander in order to stay alive? I’ll drink to that. Dear oh dear.”
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ο του οινου αναξ
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In the wine tent this week
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New Reign, New Name
The Friends of the Wine Tent write: “To demonstrate THAT WE ARE LOYAL we will be holding a vote on whether we should (a) Change the name of the wine tent to the Pella Wine Tent in honour of our great king’s capital, or (b) Just stab ourselves in the neck if we don’t because, let’s face it, if we don’t do something to placate Alexander that’s what we might as well do.
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“I am confident that proposition (a) will be passed.
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Motive for Posterity Competition
“To prove HOW LOYAL WE ARE to Alexander, the Pella Wine Tent (We are assuming that none of the Electors will vote to stab themselves in the neck) will be holding a competition every evening this week where competitors will be invited to make up the most convincing reason for Pausanias’ TREACHEROUS murder of Philip. If you think you can come up with a reason, no matter how unlikely, come along to the tent and share it with the panel of judges. The winner will win history.”
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This Week’s Guest Wine is Old Thracian
A tough wine; one swig of this and you will be more beast than man.

***

Clubs and Societies
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Sarissa Wine Club
Club President Amyntas writes,
“It has been a hard week. Last week an event of unimaginable cruelty happened. The pain and suffering it unleashed cannot be described. Even now there is not one of us who does not look at himself in a pool of water or piece of glass and ask, ‘Why? Why??”
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“I refer, of course, to the breaking of Demetrius’ sarissa just as he was about to break the record for Longest Uninterrupted Drink from a Hollowed Out Sarissa. To see his sarissa crack and all that wine spill out onto the floor broke my heart. To see Demetrius cry out “NO!!!” and dive down (or fall down, depending on who you talk to) and start to lap the wine up before the ground soaked it up almost destroyed me. The record was 144 feet – that’s five sarissa worths; Demetrius had just passed 126 feet when his sarissa snapped. O cruel fates!
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“Oh yes, and Philip our king was murdered. But kings can be replaced easily – as Alexander has proved – but when will anyone be brave enough to tackle the LDfaHOS record again? If only Demetrius hadn’t choked to death on gravel and dirt as he lapped up the wine he might have had another go. Such is life, and death.”

Priapus

Priapus, nothing to do with Amyntas’ clarification

CLARIFICATION: “Further to last week’s notice, I have been asked to point out that the term ‘husband’s sarissa’ is not a euphemism. I hope this persuades the UMM to take back the contract they claim not to have put on me, and yet, how many times can a man ‘accidentally’ get run down by horses before he considers something amiss.”
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Aristobulos and the Chicken
Following the awful events in the Aegae theatre last week Aristobulos will be making a model of Pausanias the Traitor’s body attached to the board in the square. His body will be sculptured using hardened excrement but the board will be made out of thin cuts of meat.
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You are cordially invited to watch Aristobulos at work or join him afterwards for his talk on ‘how to sculpture the human body using excrement’.
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Alternatively, you may watch the chicken eat the board (Aristobulos writes: “if you see her pecking Pausanias, though, please stop her.”)
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Union of Macedonian Mothers
Last week’s talk by Ptolemy Lagides did not go entirely to plan. If we had known that he would recommend temple prostitution to our daughters as a viable career option we would certainly have had second thoughts about asking him to speak to us.
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In the spirit of forgiveness, though, we have asked Ptolemy and Craterus son of Alexander to return again the next hemera Areos to give a talk on the subject of how wine is made. I am sure they will give us a most informative speech on this essential topic.
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In the meantime; wives, please remind your husbands that subs are due and that Cleopatra of the UMM will track them down and kill them if they do not pay on time. And before anyone asks, no, we did not order the hit on Philip, and so did not have him killed for that reason. Regarding Amyntas of the Sarissa Wine Club: No Comment.
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Popular topics on UMMsnet this week

  • Memories of Philip
  • Ups and Downs of having multiple marriages
  • Where were you when Philip died?
  • Which Argead will die next [Please note that UMMsnet does not approve of gambling – moderator]
  • SECRET CONFESSION: I smashed a Thracian and loved it
  • Is Atlantis Real?
  • Why Alexander is good for women
  • I COULD HAVE KILLED PTOLEMY LAST HEMERA SELENES!!! >:(((
  • The man to watch now that Philip is dead: Hephaestion Amyntoros
  • Whose Who in Alexander’s court and how to bend them to your will

Looters of Macedonia
Wondering where the best loot is to be found in Asia Minor? Concerned that your friends will get their hands on the gold before you in Babylon? Join Loot Soc and don’t miss out. Every lunar month we produce a lavish papyrus scroll that outlines,

  • Which cities contain the best loot
  • Up-to-date names of the rulers and entire nobility of any given city / region + their addresses
  • What prices you should accept for your loot
  • How to spot fake treasure

and more!
.
Your first scroll comes with a FREE model of a trireme that will give you hours of entertainment on lonely nights in camp.
.
Don’t miss out; join Looters of Macedonia today and give yourself a head start to wealth and riches!

***

Insight into the Army
By Our Man in the Royal Tent who wishes it to be known that he, too, is loyal to Alexander
.
This week the Companion (hetairoi) Cavalry
.
Philotas, It has been an upsetting week. Thank you for taking the time to speak with Court Notices on behalf of the hetairoi
Philotas For you it has been a trying time; for me it has been nothing. There is nothing I cannot deal with.
.
You must be a little upset by the assassination of our great king
Philotas
No one is more upset than me. Does it not show?

Er…
Philotas
However, I look forward to preparing the Companion Cavalry for the battles ahead. Both within Greece and then the east.
.
Tell me about the Companion Cavalry
Philotas We are comprised of Macedon’s nobility. A peasant like you could never be a member as you have to supply your own horse. At the moment, the hetairoi are divided into eight regiments, including the basilike ile, which rides at the front of the cavalry in battle. We – the Royal Squadron, that is – are four hundred in number, which is twice the normal regimental size.
.
Is that because you aren’t very good and get killed often?
Philotas Did you not want to live beyond this sunset???
.
Moving swiftly on, I rode a pony once. I fell off after about ten feet.
Philotas I expect you landed on your head.
.
Hephaestion Amyntoros helped me up. He’s nice, isn’t he.
Philotas x______________________x
.
Moving – er – very swiftly on this time, I understand the Companion Cavalry is divided along regional lines.
Philotas Yes… yes. Hephaestion isn’t really that great a man. Head in the clouds. Anyway, you are right. Yes. Regional. Gods, that man makes me sick. He is so humble. So nice.
.
Er, yes. Anyway, I walked into the wine tent the other night. I admit I was a little drunk. I asked for the hetairoi instead of a hetaira, and was told that you were available. Is this true?
Philotas Grr. I know who put you up to that. It was Craterus, wasn’t it? Jealous, flower loving oaf! He won’t be sorry when I put a spear through him! This interview is over!

Philotas coming a cropper.

Philotas coming a cropper.

***

Slaves’ Talk
.
[Cancelled due to slaves having no voice]

***

Baggage Train
.
Brothels
Solon’s Daughters would like to thank all who came to their open day last week. Especial thanks to those who stayed for the open legs evening. We hope you had a smashing time! Our brothel is being inspected this week; we hope to bring you good news concerning the results in the next Court Notices.
.
Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller
regrets to announce that due to recent events the ‘happy families’ range of statuettes (incorporating Philip and Euridike, and Alexander and Cleopatra) has been cancelled.
Please note that until Alexander has concluded his post-Accession purge, we have withdrawn the Argead family line from sale also.
would like very much to advise you that our Iliad line is still available and proving to be very popular; why not come and take a look at our heroes. Buy Achilles and be like Alexander!
.
Weapons
Amyntas and Sons
In these violent times, having a good weapon by your side is a vital necessity. Come and visit our tent to see our goods.
We offer a full refund to your next-of-kin should our weapons fail you in battle.
.
Symposia
Cleitus son of Dropides will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Areos to lament the death of Philip II.
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Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Aphrodites on the topic of ‘Who Will Alexander Kill Once He Has Finished With His Family’. ***This symposium is a must for all Greeks still in Pella and Macedonian nobility alike***.
Ptolemy Lagides will be holding a symposium on the importance of maintaining a good book collection next Hemera Hermu.
.
Aristobulos will be holding a symposium on the benefits of keeping animals as pets, with especial reference to his chicken next Hemera Hermu.

***

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Leave a comment

Court Notices: A Royal Wedding Edition!

PhilipII

Philip II of Macedon.

The King’s Speech
.
“In the course of my reign I have turned Macedon from a weak and divided country into an invincible military power.

  • In the first year of my reign I defeated the Paionians and Thracians
  • In the third year of my reign I destroyed the Illyrians
  • Also in that year I took Amphipolis for my own possession
  • In the fourth year of my reign I took Potidaea for my own possession
  • Also in that year, I took Philippi, and won its gold mines
  • In the sixth year of my reign I took Methone for my own possession
  • In the seventh and eighth year of my reign I defeated Phocis
  • In the twelfth year of my reign I destroyed Olynthus
  • In the eighteenth year of my reign I won Philippopolis for my own possession
  • In the twenty-second year of my reign I defeated the Athenians and Thebans, destroying the Sacred Band
  • In the twenty-third year of my reign I became hegemon of Greece

.
“In the twenty-fifth year of my reign I shall destroy the Persian Empire just as it sought to destroy Greece in the reign of my predecessor Alexander I.
.
“Before we leave Macedon, however, I welcome my brother-in-law Alexander of Epirus to Aegae for his wedding to my daughter Cleopatra. Alexander has long been a close friend, and I am pleased that by agreeing to wed Cleopatra he has turned his back on those who would seek to damage that friendship.
.
“The gods have granted me their favour, and it is with great pride and humility that I shall walk into the theatre with them in three days time. On that day, and over this happy time, let there be drinking and feasting, rejoicing and praising, friendships formed, and bonds strengthened, as we put aside what separates us, and be penetrated by what unites us.”
.
Philip II

***

.
Prayers
Wondering what to make sacrifices and offerings for this week? Let Aristander offer some suggestions
.
Hemera Heliou
For the continued strength of Macedon and ability to kill all who oppose us
Hemera selenes
That the ogre under the bed will stay there (it isn’t just children who worry about this)
Hemera Areos
For the shade of the inventor of the sarissa; may he be given entry into Elysium for the good that he did
Hemera Hermu
That the fish in the Haliacmon and Axius rivers may always be plentiful
Hemera Dios
For Pausanias of Orestis who has been looking upset recently
Hemera Aphrodites
For Alexander of Epirus and Cleopatra on their wedding day
Hemera Khronu
For women with wrinkles; what they lose in beauty, may they gain in senior membership of the UMM
.

***

Our patron, Dionysus getting drunk in a boat (possibly)

Our patron, Dionysus getting drunk in a boat (possibly)

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
.
“This week we will celebrate the marriage of Philip’s beautiful daughter Cleopatra to Alexander, the most excellent king of Epirus. May Hymen grant them his favour!
.
“Alexander and Cleopatra’s wedding recalls that happy day last year when Philip himself wedded Euridike, daughter of our dashing strategos Attalus, and who has already given him a true Macedonian heir!
.
“No half blood heir here. No treacherous son willing to give himself to a minor Asian king simply to spite his glorious father. No. No. May the gods grant Caranus a long and glorious life!
.
Wine, and at least one loyal Alexander in the kingdom of Macedon? I’ll drink to that!”
.
ο του οινου αναξ
.
In the wine tent this week

Exclusive Wail for Wine competition
Can you wail like Cleopatra will on her wedding night? Prove it in the wine tent. The best impression of Cleopatra on her wedding night, will win a month’s supply of wine (The competition will be judged by Our Man in the Wedding Procession; his decision will be final).
This Week’s Guest Wine is ‘Old Semelean’
A fiery drink that is said to make women more fertile and men grant any wish their lover wants.
New Menu
Macedonians can’t cook; neither can Scythians but they fail with such aplomb we just had to hire four to take care of our kitchen. We look forward to burnt [insert any food here].
.

***

Clubs and Societies
.
Sarissa Wine Club
Club President Amyntas writes,
“Next year we will set off east to give the Persians a good pasting. Why is Macedon so powerful? I’ll tell you why; because we drink neat wine and have the awesome sarissa. The SWC is dedicated to combining these two things for the sake of pure enjoyment and drunkenness. That’s right; we drink out of our sarissas. What of it, you pasty faced Athenian.
.
“If you would like to join the Sarissa Wine Club come and join us in the wine tent on any night. Membership is free though it may cost you your life. Places are limited but don’t worry, on average we lose five – ten members a week usually to injuries sustained by shoving an iron blade down their throat in an effort to extract the last drop of wine from the hollowed out cornel pole.”
.
Club membership comes in three grades – Full, Athenian and Female.

  • Full Members may drink from a 18 foot sarissa.
  • Athenian Members may only use a 15 foot sarissa.
  • Female Members may use their husband’s sarissa

.
Aristobulos and the Chicken
One of the highlights of Alexander of Epirus’ wedding to Cleopatra will be Philip’s entry into the Aegae theatre alongside the dodekatheon.
.
In honour of this great event, Aristobulos will be making a model of the theatre and procession out of solid gruel and herbs in his house this coming hemera heliou at midday. All are welcome to watch him at work.
.
Afterwards, you are invited to attend his joint talk with Aristander on ‘Why the gods can be grueling’ (ho ho). Alternatively, guests are welcome to watch his chicken eat the twelve Olympians and theatre.
.
Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM eagerly awaits the marriage of Alexander and Cleopatra. Why? Because weddings mean mothers, and mothers means members. Thus does our union grow and thus does our power over men increase, which given how useless so many of them are at ruling can only be a good thing.
.
Sadly, however, due to a lack of educational opportunities we still rely on men to give the majority of our talks, and it is in light of that that I welcome (cough) Ptolemy Lagides to our meeting at the ninth hour next hemera selenes for a talk on the subject of “Opportunities for women in the age of Macedonian dominance”. Ptolemy was taught by Aristotle and I am sure will give a challenging and insightful talk.
.
Popular Topics on UMMsnet this week

  • Is my son Achilles?
  • Why must my children act like the Furies?
  • Was Œdipus really wrong to sleep with his mum?
  • I love my son – too much??
  • Useless Husband for sale (Cut price as damaged goods)
  • How can I dissuade my husband from wanting to move to Thrace?
  • Why Elektra is a good rôle model
  • Sex with a snake – good or bad?
  • All welcome to come and see the reliefs of my baby!!!!
  • Hades is other husbands – discuss.

***

Dare you to call them pricks

Dare you to call them pricks

Insight into the Army
By Our Man in the Royal Tent desperate to be accepted
.
This week, the somatophylax basilikos
.
How does one join the Royal Bodyguard?
Lysimachus One does not. One is appointed by the king. And unless one is a nobleman and member of the officer corps one is very unlikely to be appointed. Sorry.
.
But I have started shaving!
Lysimachus Yes, that is not actually stubble; it’s just the shadow of the sun.
.
Oh. You noticed.
Lysimachus Being a somatophylax basilikos is to hold great power and have great responsibility. We guard the king and advise him – especially on military matters – it is not a job for young runts.
.
You mean young bucks.
Lysimachus No.
.
I expect you do more than just guard and advise the king; do you get drunk with him, too?
Lysimachus Of course. But I’ll be honest, boy, you don’t look like the kind of man who could drink a krater and live to tell the tale.
.
I once out stared your fellow somatophylax, Demetrius.
Lysimachus Hm. Maybe there is hope for you yet. Royal Bodyguards can go on to become administrative officials. When we go east I fully expect that some of us will be appointed as satraps. If you can outstare people maybe you have what it takes to be a good politician.
.
To be honest he was very tired at the time.
Lysimachus x______________________x
.
He had been up for over twenty-four hours.
Lysimachus I take what I said back.
.
Finally, are you looking forward to Alexander and Cleopatra’s wedding this week?
Lysimachus Indeed. I do not look forward to the theatre procession, though. A royal bodyguard’s place is beside the king at all times.
.
I’m sure it will go well! When it does, I will remind you of this and maybe you will see it in your heart to mention me to the king!
Lysimachus

***

Slave Talk
[Column cancelled due to slaves having no voice]

***

Baggage Train
.

One of Solon's Daughters

One of Solon’s Daughters

Brothels
Considering a career in prostitution? Solon’s Daughters are holding an open day this coming Hemera Aphrodites for any young man or woman who is thinking about joining our profession.
.
For a minimal fee, we offer:

  • Free make up tips – look good, not garish
  • Guidance on current laws
  • Dance and music classes
  • Accurate Book keeping
  • Which medicine for which disease

Crafts
Lysippus
I don’t just work for Alexander! If you would like to hire me to sculpture you or your family come and visit my home anytime and we can talk. I offer good rates and discounts for sculptures of three figures or more.
.
Amyntas, Master Modeller
… is proud to announce a new range of statuettes based on the happy marriage of Philip II and Euridike and Alexander and Epirus. Statuettes come painted and plain. Competitive prices.
.
Weapons
Amyntas and Sons
Weapons new and used for sale. All clean. Swords come with scabbard. Trade in service also available.
Our prices – like your enemies – have been SLASHED so come and see what we have to offer!
.
Symposia
The Must Read Calendar for all Thinkers and Drinkers
.
Ptolemy Lagides and Craterus son of Alexander invite you to Ptollers’ home to drink wine, talk rubbish and insult one another as you get progressively more drunk. Each Afternoon.
.
Philotas son of Parmenion will be holding a symposium at his home to discuss Great Army Strategies of All Time with particular reference to all of Parmenion’s. Third Hour next Hemera Selenes.
.
Craterus son of Alexander invites you to his home at the ninth hour of morning to discuss flowers. He will read out a lovely letter from Aristotle on the subject.
.
Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on the next Hemera Aphrodites on the subject of ‘Macedon after Philip’ [Is this right? – Eumenes]

***

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Categories: Camp Notices | Leave a comment

Court Notices

 

Cassander's coin...

Cassander’s coin…

Regent’s Street

The battle at Megalopolis is over and Macedon is triumphant! Three years ago, King Agis III of Sparta betrayed Greece by accepting Persian money in order to challenge Macedonian rule. He gathered 20,000 men to his cause and the world shook with fear for what his victory over Macedon might mean.

I, Amyntas, rode out against him with 40,000 men and my army laid waste to Agis’ anti-Macedonian coalition of traitors. Even Agis himself died, struck down by a single javelin thrown from a sturdy Aegaen hand!

Who is there to oppose us in all the world, Macedonians? There is no one in Greece, no one in Persia, no one anywhere. And never will there be. My son, Cassander, fought most bravely at Megalopolis; he is the next generation. If all our young men are as faithful and strong as he, Macedon will never fall! I am proud to be his father, proud to be Alexander’s regent, and proud to have given the king the victory in this mighty battle!

Antipater

 

Olympias

Olympias

The Queen’s Speech

Upon my birth I was named by my father, Neoptolemus I, Polyxena. When I was initiated into mysteries of Dionysus I signified the new person that I had become by renaming myself Myrtale. And when King Philip triumphed at the Olympic Games in his third regnal year, I became Olympias. Thus, have I proved to you that I am a woman of power, devotion, and glory. And I know, faithful Macedonians, that you do not doubt it. For whose son is it who drives all before him in the land of the hateful Persians? Who was it who was impregnated by Zeus himself on that glorious night? Who is it whose womb is sealed by the sign of the lion?

As I know that you are faithful, you know that I speak of myself. Therefore, listen not to siren voices who try to claim glory for themselves when all they did was fight mice in a battle of no consequence. As Alexander is my king, I am your queen; as you are his children, I am your mother; faithfulness to him has given you riches; faithfulness to me has given you Glory.

Remember that when people speak of how they conquered a field in the Peloponnese.

Olympias

He may be able to define reality but he's useless at picking a horse.

He may be able to define reality but he’s useless at picking a horse.

Aristotle’s Racing Tips

Greetings, horse friends. This week sees the Athens derby take place. It will be a time of celebration for all Athenians. The big race, of course, will be the King Codras stakes, which will see the best riders compete for the ten talent prize. Unique to the Codras stakes, a prize will also be offered to the family of any rider who sacrifices himself to save his horse.

So, who are the runners and riders? Well, let’s start with Simon of Athens who is riding the beautiful mare, Xenophon’s Perspective. Before continuing, I must refute criticism I received after last week’s Racing Tips. A reader from Arcadia asked how I could give any useful tips since, according to my philosophy, horses do not actually exist.

I hope I did not give the impression that horses do not exist, as that would be most inconvenient for the continued existence (no pun intended) of this column. What I meant to say was that horses exist in a different way to how, for example, paper and happiness exist. In fact, this world is so varied that there are many different modes of existence.

Further to this, we can divide up all that exists between those that have a dependent existence and those that exist independently of all other things. An example of the former is breath. It only exists on account of the man who breaths; also, wealth. It only exists for you if you follow my racing tips. An example of the latter are horses and their riders, although it does occur to me that a rider loses his essential rider-ness if he does not have a horse to ride. Oh dear. And I can’t analyse this issue any further because I have nearly reached my word limit. Oh well, to my reader in Arcadia, I hope I have at least demonstrated that horses do in fact exist after all.

Philosophically yours,

Aristotle
(odds on to be named ‘philosopher of the year’ again this year)

The Haliacmon; a river to love to death

The Haliacmon; love it to death


River Tents

Every Macedonian needs to place to rest rest or, if necessary, somewhere he can quietly assassinate an enemy and dispose of his body.

The tents along the Haliacmon and Axius rivers are the perfect place for R and R (Rest and Revenge).

Off the road, hidden within deep woodland or down steep banks, each tent is totally secluded. Indeed, each one has been sited sufficiently far away from its neighbours to ensure that any cries of love or pain will not be heard by anyone except you and your lover – or victim.

I cannot stress enough how effective the siting plan has been. When I visited a number of the tents, I spoke to a number of locals who assured me that no one had been murdered in their area for many, many years. From speaking to friends-in-the-know in Pella, however, I knew that this was not the case. The fact that both the Haliacmon and Axius are fast running rivers makes disposal of bodies (or just body parts) easy.

The tents themselves are small (six rooms maximum incl. torture chamber) but they are furnished. If you intend to torture your enemy before killing him, though, I would recommend you bring your own torture devices as the ones I saw were a bit rusty. Having said that, I was very impressed with the quality of the hunting gear.

The tents do not come cheap and are clearly aimed at the Macedonian nobility. The nobleman who erected them is from Upper Macedonia, which probably explains the cave-like size of the tents and rusty weapons, so it is to be hoped that as he gains more experience of the Royal Court, he will improve the facilities on offer. If he doesn’t, who knows, maybe he will become a victim of his lack of success in one of these very tents.

‘Traveller’

Sons of Makedon

Philip I
(21st before Alexander son of Philip II)

One of the greatest Macedonians kings, Philip spent thirty-eight years on the throne before falling in battle against Illyria. But for Philip’s strength over the course of many years, Macedon would certainly have been defeated by the Illyrians who were constitutionally unable to stop invading us. Like Alexander, Philip I was far-seeing and brave. He did, however, have an unfortunate tendency to fart during banquets, though, which embarrassed his wife no end. Philip’s favourite saying was ‘I can break wind as often as I break bones – and with more force, too!’. The court’s reaction is not recorded.


Court Notices

Pella Wine Palace
The PWP is opening for business again on the next hemera heliou following its recent rebuilding. Patrons are asked not to light torches while in the building this time – especially not to juggle, and double especially not after several kraters of wine; a slip of the hand last time ended up gutting the building and led to an expensive rebuilding bill and endless cups of wine being consumed by slow builders.

  • The management is delighted to announce that following a donation from Queen Olympias the main drinking area will be named the Pausanias Room.

Calisthenes Report
Antipater is delighted to announce that we have received the latest report from Callisthenes. Our king’s court historian latest report details the burning of the city of Persepolis. Our revenge against the Persians is complete! A public reading of Callisthenes’ report will take place in the royal palace courtyard at noon the next hemera selenes.

Sarissa Wine Club (Pella Division)
Vacancies: 22
This coming hemera Areos there will be a spear and philosophy symposium in the home of our venerable founder, Amyntas of the White Beard. Amyntas will be leading the event during which an attempt will be made to reconcile Aristotle’s philosophy with our love of drinking wine out of hollowed out sarissas.

Masaly Society
The Macedon and Thessaly Cultural and Historical Society will be meeting in the Royal Palace on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘trading links between Macedonian and Thessalian nobility in the third regnal year of King Karanus with particular reference to the grapes of  the Pieria region’. A very catchy title; it promises to be a very interesting evening. Hm.

Friends of Epirus
Meeting in Queen Olympias’ quarters on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘wielding power in a foreign land and how best to use it’. Not everyone welcome.

Kings and Courtesans Party
On the next hemera Dios come to the Royal Palace dressed up as your favourite monarch or whore! Prizes will be given for the best costume. Ladies are encouraged to emulate Phyrne at her trial. Men: Please do not borrow or steal a real diadem on pain of being executed like Amyntas last time.

Greeks and Macedonian Exchange
Are Macedonians Greek (Yes). Are Macedonians better than Greeks (Yes). Why should the Greek poleis be thankful we are in charge (too many reasons to mention). Amazingly, many people still regard these questions as being unsettled. Come to the palace on the next hemera Aphrodites to discuss them, get drunk and start a fight with your opponent.

WANTED
A friend for my son – Antipater
Snakes for the Queen – Court Staff

Weather Report

The Vergina Sun

The Vergina Sun

Sunny over Macedonia!
(Image source – History of Macedonia)
Court Notices
Edited by Court Staff
Categories: Camp Notices | Leave a comment

Camp Notices – What Goes On The Anabasis, Stays On The Anabasis Edition

Aléxandros ho Mégasi

The King’s Speech

Welcome to this new edition of the Camp Notices. As you will have noticed it is slightly more rough and ready both in appearance and content than usual. This is because it has been put together on the hoof – literally. My thanks go to Ptolemy son of Lagos for hand writing the Notices during today’s ride.

Battles with Darius and our survival allowing, the next few editions of the Notices will be written by Ptollers in this fashion. We will revert to the previous format once Eumenes and the baggage train catch up with us. Until then, please co-operate with him if he asks for your help.

In the meantime, whether you are riding or marching, keep your eyes open for Persians, your spears ready for blood and your worship ready for me.

Alexander

Drinking Awards
Who is the biggest drinker in Alexander’s army?
I interviewed some of the men in the phalanx to find out

Amyntas of Lynkestis “I nominate myself. I once drank ten amphorae of wine, without food, one after the other in the Aegae Wine Tent in front of a group of women.”

Amyntas of Bottiæa “Amyntas of Lynkestis reveals only that he himself is actually a woman. I once drank twelve amphorae of wine, then ate the amphorae so that I didn’t miss any wine out; following this, I drank my own urine for the next twelve hours. All in front of my father.”

Amyntas of Pella “What Amyntas of Lynkestis didn’t tell you is that his wine was diluted by sweat while he drank; and what Amyntas of Bottiæa didn’t tell you is that it was raining while he was drinking. I drank twelve amphorae of wine in my tent ensuring that no water got into it by remaining apart from my friends. I then ate the amphorae, drank my urine, drank the urine of my friends just in case they had drunk from the amphorae without my knowledge and licked the sweat off their bodies. In front of my wife.”

Amyntas of Mygdonia “I can’t believe the nonsense I have been hearing. I drank twelve amphorae of wine, ate the amphorae, drank my urine, and my friend’s urine, licked the sweat off my body as well as theirs, then cut myself open and drank my own blood. All in front of my mother. When she collapsed and died of shock, I went into her house and drank her store of wine. I know none of this was much but I am not ashamed.”

Amyntas of Orestes “I am sorry, am I in the Macedonian or Theban army? Right, so I did this. Twelve amphorae, my urine, my friends’ urine, licked the sweat off everyone within a thirty food radius of me just-in-case, and cut myself open and put a tube in my body so that I could keep drinking my own blood forever. After I was revived, I found that my wife had been drinking so I sucked on both her nipples to get her wine, and drank her blood. When she died and I was convicted of murder, I was sentenced to die by drowning – in wine. Except that when my head was put in the barrel I drank it all, so I was let off. With the judge’s permission, I ate the barrel. All in front of my children.”

Amyntas of Lynkestis “Ptolemy, this is why Amyntas of Orestes has no friends. He is always exaggerating.”

Expedition Memories
We’ve been on the road for nearly four years now. What have been the soldiers’ favourite memories?

1. Winning the battle at Arbela – 42%
2. Pillaging Persepolis – 18%
3. Watching Persepolis burn – 15%
4. Invading Tyre – 8%
_  Fighting whoever, wherever, then drinking afterwards – 8%
6. Smashing Babylonian whores – 5%
7. Seeing the erection of the Pella Wine Tent – 2%
8. Not having to face a tongue lashing from Queen Olympias 1%
 Watching Alexander ‘untie’ the Gordian knot 1%

Camp Notices
All society events may be cancelled if we get wiped out by Darius’ army 

Your scribe bravely writes on

Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 3
The WSC will be meeting on the hemera selena after camp has been established. As the hollowed out sarissas are currently in the baggage train, we will simply drinking as much as possible before the moon reaches her zenith. Due to limited supplies, members will be permitted to dilute their wine if they wish, just as long as they do not tell any one that they have done so. We are Macedonians and still have standards to uphold.

Friends of Rome
Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus will be meeting next to the latter’s tent on the next hemera Areos to discuss the consulship of Publius Valerius Poplicola and Titus Lucretius Tricipitinus, which took place in the thirty ninth regnal year of Amyntas I. During this year, Rome was attacked by Lars Porsena on behalf of Tarquinius Superbus in an attempt to restore the monarchy; the meeting will look at how Poplicola and Tricipitinus met and repelled this threat despite the great cost to themselves.

Campfire Soc
The advantage of being away from the baggage train means NO UMM TO BULLY US! Finally-Free Amyntas invites you to his campfire on the next hemera Hermes to swap lewd stories about your wife. Remember, what goes on the anabasis, stays on the anabasis; Cleopatra of the UMM can’t kill us if she doesn’t know what we’ve been doing!

30 Seconds to Persia
On the next hemera dios, 30SP will be performing songs around the theme of ‘kings and queens’ outside Alexander’s tent. After the performance, Hephaestion will be standing around speaking nicely to everyone while looking bloody sexy. Come for the show, come to see why your wives, mistresses and lovers like him so damned much.

Engineering and the Chicken
On the next hemera Aphrodites, Aristobulus will be building a scale model of the temple at Siwa, which Alexander visited during our stay in Egypt. The model will be made of mud, dirt, water and some of that day’s provisions, which he will be donating to his pet chicken after the model has been completed. All welcome.

  • As ever, guests are invited to remain behind after the meeting to which Aristobulus’ chicken eat the edible parts of the model; in the event that the camp is attacked, however, the chicken will be put into a cage while the Persians are beaten up.

The Big Question
Who is harder than Olympias?
Last week, 9 out of 10 Macedonians agreed that Alexander’s badass mother was harder than iron and bronze combined. This week, we pitch the queen…

You think you got what it takes to stand up to a woman who sleeps with snakes?

Against…

Palace of Knossos

… the downfall of Minoa

When Minoa was mysteriously destroyed, it did not just kill a few people but an entire civilisation. Who knows what damage this did to the development of Greek thought, trade, military might etc for years into the future? And yet, was it as powerful, awful, and intense an event as Alexander’s mother? Let Ptolemy know your thoughts.

From the Archive
Codrus: The king who just can’t help sacrificing himself

Athens was indifferent today to the overnight news that their king had wrongly interpreted the sound of a house collapsing as proof that the Dorians were invading, and had thrown himself off the acropolis in an effort to save the city. By unlikely good fortune, Codrus landed on the roof of a caravan, which broke his fall, leaving him with only a few broken bones – albeit including both his legs. He was left lying in the street by people who had better things to do than help their obsessive monarch back to the top of the acropolis so that he could try again until the queen came to help him.

Athens is still independent.

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who is doing it in the baggage train with any number of lucky punters while we search for Darius. Some times life just isn’t fair.

Dear Lady Aphrodit etc etc

My husband serves in the heavy infantry, which has gone on ahead with Alexander. I love sex. How am I supposed to manage until he comes back?

Yours, Devoted To Love

Dear Devoted,

Cry me the Aegean! My dear, there are any number of options for you to gain, if I may use the term, satisfaction. They chiefly involve male prostitutes; come to my tent at the next opportunity for an introduction.

Yours Lady Aphrodite who etc etc

  • If any man thinks that ‘Devoted to Love’ is his wife and needs counselling as a result of reading the above advice, please see Ptolemy and he will do what he can to get you drunk.

Aphrodite of Syracuse

Camp Notices
Edited by Ptolemy son of Lagos

Alexander on the ‘net
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