Part Two: The End and a Beginning

by Ptolemy Lagides
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I arrived at the theatre at dawn and watched from the hall behind the stage as Philip’s guests took their seats in the amphitheatre outside. I had one job today: to make sure that once Pausanias arrived he did not leave without completing his mission. The sun was shining brightly and a gentle breeze was blowing through the hall. It was a happy day to live, I thought, and a sad day to die.
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I said I had only one job; actually, there was another: to kill Pausanias if he failed in his mission. Under Olympias’ orders, failure was to be defined as either a failure to kill Philip, or an attempt to betray her, or indeed, indict myself or any of the other conspirators. To protect ourselves, Pausanias had been watched ever since he had agreed to assassinate the king. Even now, as he walked from his home to the theatre, Perdiccas would be following him, making sure he took no treacherous diversion.
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As it happened, Pausanias arrived at the theatre on time at the eight hour of the morning. A few seconds later, Perdiccas walked across the hall behind him. He caught my eye and nodded before peeling off to join Leonnatus and Attalus at the holly tree. I weaved a path through the various dignitaries who were passing through the hall on their way outside. Suddenly, a man bumped into me. It was Alexander.
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“Ptolemy,” he said, lightly, “You were not looking where you were going.”
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“I apologise, my Lord; I was on my way to speak to a mutual friend.” I replied, motioning towards Pausanias. Alexander glanced round. Seeing Pausanias, he nodded, thoughtfully.
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“If you see Hephaestion tell him to be quick.”
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“I will.” I said, and I was glad that no one was listening to us because Alexander’s non sequitur response would have confused them and led to who knows what thoughts.
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Leaving Alexander, I continued my path across the hall and joined Pausanias who was now skulking in a quiet, shadowy corner near the stage door.
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“My friend,” I said, putting my hands on his shoulders, “be strong. Today will be a good day.” He smiled awkwardly but said nothing.
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And indeed, he said nothing to anyone while I was with him or after I had walked away to take up a position on the opposite side of the hall, ostensibly to watch Philip process outside, his two Alexanders by his side - son on the right, and son-in-law on the left. Freshly painted and gilded statues of the twelve gods were carried behind the king; they were followed by one of Philip himself. When the Greeks saw it, a murmur of surprise and awe and apprehension rippled round the theatre. It was quickly consumed, however, by noisy applause - led, I noted, by Macedonian noblemen.
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As Philip received the applause, his somatophylakes stood at ease in the hall, chatting to one another and royal servants. The bodyguards were armed and in armour but nobody was expecting any trouble on this glorious day. As a result, no one saw Pausanias leave his position, and slip outside.
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I watched through a window as he stepped out from behind the statue of father Zeus and walked round Alexander. Then, he stood in front of Philip and knelt down. Thinking he was paying homage to the king, the Greeks applauded even more loudly. As Pausanias rose, I noticed that Alexander was holding his father’s right hand. Philip tried to pull it away as Pausanias pushed back his cloak and revealed his sword but Alexander was too slow in releasing his grip. Philip lifted up his left arm, but Pausanias was too fast. As Philip raised his arm, he drove his sword into the king’s chest right up to the hilt.
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Pausanias sword penetrated Philip’s heart and killed him instantly. His revenge complete, Pausanias sprinted across the stage towards the exit on its right hand side. As Philip fell in a crumpled heap on the ground, the Greeks fell into a stunned and confused silence. Suddenly, someone shouted, “He has killed the king! He has killed the king!”. Looking up in alarm, the somatophylakes rushed outside. I ran through the theatre and burst out into the street via a side door. I saw Pausanias run up the hill and set off in pursuit of him. Behind me, wailing and sobbing replaced the cheering and applause.
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At the top of the hill, Pausanias made a sharp right and sprinted down several more side streets before approaching the dead holly bush tree. Perdiccas, Leonnatus and Attalus stood there. Sweating and panting heavily, Pausanias ran up to them.
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“Friends, where are the horses?!” he exclaimed.
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“There are no horses.” a voice said. Hephaestion stepped out of the hovel next to the tree, and into the street.
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“Hephaestion?” Pausanias said. “You are part of this as well?”
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“Yes.” he said. Perdiccas and Leonnatus stepped forward and grabbed Pausanias by the arms. He looked at them wildly.
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“What… what are you doing?! Hephaestion, I killed the king; I did it. Alexander will be king now!”
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“I’m sorry.” Hephaestion replied. As he spoke, I ran up behind the group. “Ptolemy… do you bring any orders?”
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“No,” I said, “But I do bring a word from Alexander. ‘Be quick’.” Hephaestion nodded. He turned back to Pausanias.
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“And I bring you a word from Queen Olympias,” he said, “‘Thank you . Your sacrifice will be remembered and your memory honoured.’” He strode forward, unsheathing his sword as he did so and drove it into Pausanias’ chest. Pausanias gazed at him in blank horror. Seconds later, as blood dribbled down his chin, his head fell upon his chest. Perdiccas and Leonnatus released him at he fell to the ground.
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“Get your javelins,” Hephaestion told them. “You know what to do.”
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We watched as Perdiccas and Attalus dragged Pausanias’ body into the hovel. Inside, they strung it up and threw their javelins across the room into his chest.
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“Why did we not just kill him as soon as he left the theatre?” I asked. “Or even inside. Something could have gone wrong between there and here.”
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“That is what I wanted to do,” Hephaestion said, “But the Queen would not permit it. She wanted Pausanias to be thanked first.” I looked at his bloodied and torn body.
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“Poor fool. He deserved better than the Queen’s thanks.” Hephaestion smiled ruefully.
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“He destroyed a world.” he said, though weather in anger or awe I could not tell, “Come. Let us go and help Alexander mold a new one.”

To be continued…

  • The list of chapters can be read here
Categories: Ptolemy's journal | 4 Comments

Part One: Pausanias

by Ptolemy Lagides

I can’t remember when I first met Pausanias. He was one of those people who attends parties only to be ignored because they have no personality or grace. He had brains, though, because unlike others, he recognised how dull he was and went away to work at improving his appearance. And how it worked! Because one day, King Philip noticed him hiding in the corner of the room, and decided he wanted to know more about this attractive youth.
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I can still see Philip stroking Pausanias’ face with his deformed hand, and biting him tenderly upon the lip as they kiss. I can still see Pausanias’ blushing cheeks and doe eyes. He loves me! So that’s how you became so handsome, Pausa’, by sacrificing your brains to Aphrodite. Philip never believed in love. Only lust - in the matter of men - and only politics, when it came to women. He’s the king, for Zeus’ sake.
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You should have known from the beginning that one day you would be discarded. Why couldn’t you have just enjoyed what you had before Philip took his body elsewhere. But no, you had to be smitten. You had to be offended. You had to mock Attalus’ Pausanias. Well, Pausa’, that was your choice, and tomorrow, it will be your funeral.
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I left the party towards the end of the first day of celebrations in the royal palace for Alexander’s* wedding to Cleopatra**. No one noticed my departure. Well, not quite. I had not walked more than a few steps down the corridor when a hand came out of the shadows and pulled me violently into them. Olympias glared at me, malevolently.
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“If he has any qualms, Ptolemy,” she whispered, “Make sure you convince him to continue. Meet any demand he comes up with.”
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“As the Queen of Macedon says.” I replied. Her lips parted and she hissed like one of her damned snakes at me.
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After leaving the palace, I crossed the narrow streets of Aegae until I came to a dead end next to a derelict house on the other side of town. Pausanias was already there, sitting in the gutter like a beggar; his head, hidden under his hood.
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“Do you believe in justice, my friend?” I called.
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“Justice is my hope.” he replied, and he pushed down the hood of his cloak. I saw his burning eyes, and I knew he had no qualms whatsoever.
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“Here is your money,” I said, handing over the heavy purse. Your orders are to act has already been arranged. Perdiccas, Leonnatus, and Attalus will be waiting with the horses for you underneath the dead holly tree. Once you leave the theatre, join them there; they will ride with you to Orestis.”
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Pausanias nodded; he gazed into the dark. Whether it was the dark of the night or his own spirit I do not know.
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“He refused to help me, Ptolemy,” he said, “After Attalus and… and his fr… friends… did… did what they di… did what they did to me, he refused to help me. He turned me away when we were lovers, and he refused to help me when I… when I needed him.”
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“I know,” I said, “And now is your chance to be revenged.” Pausanias nodded vaguely at this.
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“Does Alexander know about this?” he asked. I didn’t answer. “Does he??”
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“… He knows all that he needs to know…” I replied.
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“When I’m gone, tell him that I am his loyal subject. I killed his father, because…”
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“Don’t worry,” I replied, “When you are gone, I will tell him everything.”
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To be continued…

* Alexander of Epirus
** Alexander the Great’s sister

  • The list of chapters can be found here
Categories: Ptolemy's journal | 8 Comments

Sarissa Wine Club Minutes

Ornamental amphora showing Athena

Ornamental amphora showing Athena

Present
Epistates Sterling Amyntas
Secretary Ariston of Pella
Treasurer Linos of Pella
Keeper of the Kraters Agapios of [Not yet found out]
Keeper of the Spears Pantaleon of Upper Macedonia, Somewhere
Sarissa Wine Ultras Liaison Officer Amyntas Son of Amyntas
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Agenda

      1. Epistates’ Address
      2. Prayers and libations for members who died at the last meeting or as a result of injuries sustained at said event
      3. Recruitment Update
      4. KotS report on the condition of the wine sarissas
      5. KotK on the condition and number of club kraters
      6. Treasurer’s financial report
      7. SWULO’s report
      8. Elections I
      9. Celebration for the winners

        To come in part two
      1. Elections II (to replace those who died / mortally injured during the celebration)
      2. Subscriptions and Forfeit Committee
      3. Matters Arising
      4. Next meeting
      5. Secretary’s account of the night

Epistates’ address
“My friends, welcome to tonight’s meeting. I am delighted to be addressing you on the occasion of my tenth meeting as your leader. I give an especial welcome to our king, who is at the back writing on his Linear bPad [Big cheer from members; cries of "say something about me"]; I am sure I speak on behalf of you all when I wish Alexander a happy and drunken night. Most of all, I hope he survives. We want no repeat of what happened to Xenophon here.
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“As you are all aware, the SWC was founded on the night after Philip II formally introduced the sarissa into the Macedonian army. It has always been the mark of a true Macedonian to seek out ways to marry violence to alcoholic excess, and on that night we as a nation excelled ourselves. In light of that, it is with regret, therefore, that we mark the passing of Red Faced Amyntas, the last surviving original member of the WSC, who died just a few days ago, yes, by accidentally beheading himself while drinking wine from a sarissa. Aristander will give a fuller appreciation of Amyntas presently.
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“As is customary, I will close this address with one of my stories that you have so grown to love [groans from members]. When I was a child, I went hunting with my father. I killed an Illyrian. As he lay dying in front of me he coughed up blood; full of feeling for his predicament, I poured my father’s wine down his throat so that he would not have to taste the blood. I then closed his mouth with my hand. This choked the man, but I like to think he died happier than if we had left him to bleed to death. On that day my love affair of violence and wine began and I became a Macedonian [cheers from members]! On that note, I hand over to Aristander.”
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Aristander prays for late members
“My dear friends, it is indeed a pleasure to see you all again. As Amyntas mentioned, I regret to announce the death of Red Faced Amyntas who died three nights ago after his sarissa slipped and cut his throat open. I knew Amyntas since the foundation of the SWC and he was a loyal, and happy drunk; I would add that on occasion, my king, he was even a great soldier [laughs from members some of whom mock attack Alexander in the Macedonian style]!
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“However, our red faced friend would not have thanked me for telling you that; he hid his bravery behind his drink. That is why he continued to drink from his sarissa even when already drunk and liable to decapitate himself. ‘I have to do it,‘ he would tell anyone who would listen, ‘So that I don’t end up like Brasidas.‘ Not, of course, that Brasidas, was a bad man - but who are we? [Drinkers! Shout the members in time honoured fashion, Drinkers from Sarissas!]
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“That is correct. At our last meeting, two other members died - Amyntas and Amyntas; since the last meeting, apart from Amytnas, three more members have died: Amyntas, Amyntas and Amyntas [Pause while Aristander checks his notes]. Sorry. Amyntas survived. Oh, and there he is; my apologies to you [Amyntas laughs]. So, I invite you to rise for the five - four - men we have lost. Raise your arms in prayer.
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“Receive the spirits of your brave men, father Zeus! Lead them to Elysium! Where, I pray, Dionysus will give unto them, kraters of never ending wine!”
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Epistates: Thank you Aristander. I invite you all to sit and Amyntas to remain standing as he tells us about the current state of recruitment to the SWC

Would sir like to try a selection of our wines?

Would sir like to try a selection of our wines?


Amyntas, Recruitment Officer
“Thank you, Sterling Amyntas. As members know, membership of the Sarissa Wine Club is limited to 500 as a mark of respect - ahem - to the boule of Athens. The sad deaths of the five Amyntoi when added to the twenty-four current vacancies means we have a total of twenty-nine places now available. As the waiting list to join the SWC is nearly fifty thousand I do not anticipate any problems in filling them up!”
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“In respect of recruiting practices I can confirm that they have not changed from the tried and trusted method: “Join us, drink out of the sharp end of spear; get drunk, maybe die”.
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Sterling Amyntas, epistates: Thank you Amyntas. I now ask Pantaleon, the keeper of the club’s wine sarissas to report on the condition of those in the club’s possession.
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Pantaleon, Keeper of the Wine Sarissas
“Friends, as you know, our best sarissas are in the safe keeping of the baggage train. Of those that are with us, I regret to announce that our oldest sarissa - Tethys - has sustained a hairline fracture above the butt. As she is the symbol of the club, I am taking her out of use until a repair can be made [groans from members]
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Epistates: That is bad news Amyn— sorry, Pantaleon. Of course, it may not be possible to effect a repair so we must give thought to how to give Tethys a fitting send off. That is for another day, though; Agapios, as keeper of the club kraters, could you now update us on their condition?
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Agapios, Keeper of the Kraters
“Sterling Amyntas, friends, I am happy to report that our kraters are all in good shape. The damage that was done to Old Brutal at the last meeting has been repaired and he is fit for use again tonight! [cheers]“
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Sterling Amyntas, epistates: That is good news! Well now, we were due to have Linos’ report but I can see him at the back of the meeting and he appears to be in a crumpled heap [unknown member shouts: he may be dead, we'll check later; or tomorrow, unless we are too! Laughter from members]. Well, who cares about money! [cheers]. Let’s move on to Amyntas, son of Amyntas, our liaison officer with the Sarissa Wine Club Ultras.
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Amyntas, Son of Amyntas, Sarissa Wine Club Ultras Liaison Officer
“Thank you, Sterling Amyntas; friends, I stand before you to let you know that for the twenty-fifth meeting following the creation of the Sarissa Wine Club Ultras (SWCU) no negotiations have taken place regarding a re-unification of the two societies. This continues to be on account of the Ultras leadership persistently accidentally killing themselves before we can hold such a meeting. To date, the longest time their epistates has lasted in his rôle is four days. Well, they are the Ultras.”
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Sterling Amyntas, epistates: … and they are an inspiration as well as a warning as to what can happen when our love of drinking wine out of a sharp instrument can go too far.
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“Well, we must continue to the elections. All the posts except for mine [comedy boos] are up for re-election. I don’t know why my post is exempt; unfortunately, since we lost the club constitution at Gaugamela our adherence to the rules has been a bit hit-and-miss. Anyway, I will read out the office and then candidates’ names. You know what to do!
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The first part of the meeting ends. Sarissa Wine Club elections are not carried out in the usual fashion - with ostraka and whatnot. An election is carried out, but it is a formality; the post is effectively given to whoever can take the longest swig of wine out Tethys. At this meeting, since Tethys was out of action, Mnemosyne was used instead.
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The current members of the Wine Sarissa executive all retained their posts except for Pantaleon who, unfortunately, drowned in his attempt to ensure his re-election, and Linos who - it turned out - was indeed already dead. Their places were taken by Amyntas and Ptolemois of Aegae.
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Sterling Amyntas, epistates: Well, may I be the first to congratulate the senior members on their re-election, and welcome Amyntas of— hm - nothing it seems, and Ptolemaios of Aegae to our council! That’s enough talking. In the immortal words of our founders, let’s drink out of sarissas! [Big cheer].
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Here followed the substance of the night with the members (who were around 200 in total) spending the it drinking out of their sarissas and the various kraters, including Old Brutal. A great time was had by all except the six men who died after choking on their wine. These included Ptolemaios of Aegae twenty-three minutes after his election to the council, thus making him one of the shortest lived SWC council members in the club’s history.
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Part II to come

Categories: Sarissa Wine Club | 2 Comments

Alexander: Cross Dressing Conqueror of the World?

Alexander

Alexander

Last night I visited the British Museum to hear Professor Tony Spawforth of Newcastle University give a public lecture entitled ‘Alexander the Great: Cross Dressing Conqueror of the world?’
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First of all, I must apologise for being a bad note taker. I hope I have accurately remembered the gist of what Prof Spawforth said but can’t guarantee it. As it is, this blog post has turned out to be more about my impressions, anyway!
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So, was Alexander the Great a transvestite?
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Our sole source for this claim is a Greek writer named Ephippus of Olynthus. He was either a contemporary of the king’s or lived just after him. Either way, his work is known to us through Athenaeus who lived in the third century AD.
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According to Prof Spawforth, Ephippus was hostile to Alexander and his writing is as much a hatchet job as Ptolemy’s (Arrian’s chief source) is a whitewash. And the reason we know this is because he, Ephippus, wrote that Alexander liked to dress up as Artemis when riding around in his chariot.
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Women were second class citizens in ancient Greece (in fact, I don’t think they were citizens at all - more the property of their fathers or husbands?) so it was not the done thing for a man to pretend to be one even if she was a goddess.
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A couple of questions immediately arise. Why was Ephippus hostile? and Is Alexander’s apparent transvestism feasible?
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In response to the first question, the only reason that I recall Prof Spawforth giving for Ephippus’ hostility is that his home city, Olynthus, was razed by Philip II.
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Presumably, in the years after Alexander’s death, Ephippus saw the pro-Alexander narratives emerging and, remembering the destruction of his home, decided to even them out with his own, more negative, account.
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By-the-bye, in his own history of Alexander, Arrian mentions that the king appointed a man named Ephippus as a superintendent of his government in Egypt. It has been suggested this was our author; if so it raises the possibility that he later served under Alexander’s great friend Ptolemy. Perhaps it was in Ptolemy’s court that Ephippus first heard those pro-Alexander narratives.
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In response to the second question, I would say that it is not at all beyond the realm of possibility that Alexander could have dressed up as Artemis. He was, after all, not afraid to flout convention. In a period where men wore beards, Alexander went clean shaven. He adopted Persian dress and customs in his court. He was uncommonly civil to women. He may have had a sexual relationship with Hephaestion when both were men.
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However, it is one thing to say that someone is capable of behaving in a certain way but quite another to prove that they do or did. This is important because Ephippus did not accompany Alexander on his journey east and so was not present when he began to ‘go native’ that is, take on the Persian dress and customs mentioned above.
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Of course, it is possible that he recorded what he had been told happened, but it is equally possible that in order to make his subject look as bad as possible, Ephippus took the known facts about Alexander’s court and embellished them. Greek writers were not afraid to do that. I have previously met the habit in accounts of battles with zeros being added to the enemy’s strength and subtracted from casualties in one’s own army after the hard fought win.
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A third question. If Alexander’s dressing up was feasible what motive could he have had to do so?
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Ephippus states that Alexander dressed up as several Greek gods (and as Ammon). I suppose it could all have been for fun but I also like the idea that he dressed up to make a political statement - i.e. to remind the Greeks who his real father was. That only covers Ammon, though; what about the Greek gods? Was he reminding his Persian subjects who the best gods were?
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No, I don’t think so. I could be misremembering, but my impression of Alexander is that he wanted to united Greek and barbarian. For this reason, I am going with the idea that Ephippus embellished the known facts.
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One last point on why Alexander took on Persian dress and customs. Spawforth noted that historians have seen this as a political gimmick; he believes, however, that Alexander admired the Persians. This ties in with what I said above about Alexander’s wanting to unite the two races.
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The lecture was a very interesting one albeit based on the slenderness thread of evidence. The only discordant note in it was when someone asked if the nature of Alexander’s and Hephaestion’s relationship could have been distorted. Spawforth declared his uninterest in the question. To his credit, he immediately admitted that one could not take that approach but it was disappointing that he dismissed it in the first place. If the question was worth asking it was worth answering and he brought no credit to himself for suggesting that it was not.

First known time Alexander that uses a chariot? The picture that got Prof Spawforth thinking

First known time Alexander that uses a chariot? The picture that got Prof Spawforth thinking

Categories: On Alexander | 6 Comments

Court Notices

 

Cassander's coin...

Cassander’s coin…

Regent’s Street

The battle at Megalopolis is over and Macedon is triumphant! Three years ago, King Agis III of Sparta betrayed Greece by accepting Persian money in order to challenge Macedonian rule. He gathered 20,000 men to his cause and the world shook with fear for what his victory over Macedon might mean.

I, Amyntas, rode out against him with 40,000 men and my army laid waste to Agis’ anti-Macedonian coalition of traitors. Even Agis himself died, struck down by a single javelin thrown from a sturdy Aegaen hand!

Who is there to oppose us in all the world, Macedonians? There is no one in Greece, no one in Persia, no one anywhere. And never will there be. My son, Cassander, fought most bravely at Megalopolis; he is the next generation. If all our young men are as faithful and strong as he, Macedon will never fall! I am proud to be his father, proud to be Alexander’s regent, and proud to have given the king the victory in this mighty battle!

Antipater

 

Olympias

Olympias

The Queen’s Speech

Upon my birth I was named by my father, Neoptolemus I, Polyxena. When I was initiated into mysteries of Dionysus I signified the new person that I had become by renaming myself Myrtale. And when King Philip triumphed at the Olympic Games in his third regnal year, I became Olympias. Thus, have I proved to you that I am a woman of power, devotion, and glory. And I know, faithful Macedonians, that you do not doubt it. For whose son is it who drives all before him in the land of the hateful Persians? Who was it who was impregnated by Zeus himself on that glorious night? Who is it whose womb is sealed by the sign of the lion?

As I know that you are faithful, you know that I speak of myself. Therefore, listen not to siren voices who try to claim glory for themselves when all they did was fight mice in a battle of no consequence. As Alexander is my king, I am your queen; as you are his children, I am your mother; faithfulness to him has given you riches; faithfulness to me has given you Glory.

Remember that when people speak of how they conquered a field in the Peloponnese.

Olympias

He may be able to define reality but he's useless at picking a horse.

He may be able to define reality but he’s useless at picking a horse.

Aristotle’s Racing Tips

Greetings, horse friends. This week sees the Athens derby take place. It will be a time of celebration for all Athenians. The big race, of course, will be the King Codras stakes, which will see the best riders compete for the ten talent prize. Unique to the Codras stakes, a prize will also be offered to the family of any rider who sacrifices himself to save his horse.

So, who are the runners and riders? Well, let’s start with Simon of Athens who is riding the beautiful mare, Xenophon’s Perspective. Before continuing, I must refute criticism I received after last week’s Racing Tips. A reader from Arcadia asked how I could give any useful tips since, according to my philosophy, horses do not actually exist.

I hope I did not give the impression that horses do not exist, as that would be most inconvenient for the continued existence (no pun intended) of this column. What I meant to say was that horses exist in a different way to how, for example, paper and happiness exist. In fact, this world is so varied that there are many different modes of existence.

Further to this, we can divide up all that exists between those that have a dependent existence and those that exist independently of all other things. An example of the former is breath. It only exists on account of the man who breaths; also, wealth. It only exists for you if you follow my racing tips. An example of the latter are horses and their riders, although it does occur to me that a rider loses his essential rider-ness if he does not have a horse to ride. Oh dear. And I can’t analyse this issue any further because I have nearly reached my word limit. Oh well, to my reader in Arcadia, I hope I have at least demonstrated that horses do in fact exist after all.

Philosophically yours,

Aristotle
(odds on to be named ‘philosopher of the year’ again this year)

The Haliacmon; a river to love to death

The Haliacmon; love it to death


River Tents

Every Macedonian needs to place to rest rest or, if necessary, somewhere he can quietly assassinate an enemy and dispose of his body.

The tents along the Haliacmon and Axius rivers are the perfect place for R and R (Rest and Revenge).

Off the road, hidden within deep woodland or down steep banks, each tent is totally secluded. Indeed, each one has been sited sufficiently far away from its neighbours to ensure that any cries of love or pain will not be heard by anyone except you and your lover - or victim.

I cannot stress enough how effective the siting plan has been. When I visited a number of the tents, I spoke to a number of locals who assured me that no one had been murdered in their area for many, many years. From speaking to friends-in-the-know in Pella, however, I knew that this was not the case. The fact that both the Haliacmon and Axius are fast running rivers makes disposal of bodies (or just body parts) easy.

The tents themselves are small (six rooms maximum incl. torture chamber) but they are furnished. If you intend to torture your enemy before killing him, though, I would recommend you bring your own torture devices as the ones I saw were a bit rusty. Having said that, I was very impressed with the quality of the hunting gear.

The tents do not come cheap and are clearly aimed at the Macedonian nobility. The nobleman who erected them is from Upper Macedonia, which probably explains the cave-like size of the tents and rusty weapons, so it is to be hoped that as he gains more experience of the Royal Court, he will improve the facilities on offer. If he doesn’t, who knows, maybe he will become a victim of his lack of success in one of these very tents.

‘Traveller’

Sons of Makedon

Philip I
(21st before Alexander son of Philip II)

One of the greatest Macedonians kings, Philip spent thirty-eight years on the throne before falling in battle against Illyria. But for Philip’s strength over the course of many years, Macedon would certainly have been defeated by the Illyrians who were constitutionally unable to stop invading us. Like Alexander, Philip I was far-seeing and brave. He did, however, have an unfortunate tendency to fart during banquets, though, which embarrassed his wife no end. Philip’s favourite saying was ‘I can break wind as often as I break bones - and with more force, too!’. The court’s reaction is not recorded.


Court Notices

Pella Wine Palace
The PWP is opening for business again on the next hemera heliou following its recent rebuilding. Patrons are asked not to light torches while in the building this time - especially not to juggle, and double especially not after several kraters of wine; a slip of the hand last time ended up gutting the building and led to an expensive rebuilding bill and endless cups of wine being consumed by slow builders.

  • The management is delighted to announce that following a donation from Queen Olympias the main drinking area will be named the Pausanias Room.

Calisthenes Report
Antipater is delighted to announce that we have received the latest report from Callisthenes. Our king’s court historian latest report details the burning of the city of Persepolis. Our revenge against the Persians is complete! A public reading of Callisthenes’ report will take place in the royal palace courtyard at noon the next hemera selenes.

Sarissa Wine Club (Pella Division)
Vacancies: 22
This coming hemera Areos there will be a spear and philosophy symposium in the home of our venerable founder, Amyntas of the White Beard. Amyntas will be leading the event during which an attempt will be made to reconcile Aristotle’s philosophy with our love of drinking wine out of hollowed out sarissas.

Masaly Society
The Macedon and Thessaly Cultural and Historical Society will be meeting in the Royal Palace on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘trading links between Macedonian and Thessalian nobility in the third regnal year of King Karanus with particular reference to the grapes of the Pieria region’. A very catchy title; it promises to be a very interesting evening. Hm.

Friends of Epirus
Meeting in Queen Olympias’ quarters on the next hemera Hermu to discuss ‘wielding power in a foreign land and how best to use it’. Not everyone welcome.

Kings and Courtesans Party
On the next hemera Dios come to the Royal Palace dressed up as your favourite monarch or whore! Prizes will be given for the best costume. Ladies are encouraged to emulate Phyrne at her trial. Men: Please do not borrow or steal a real diadem on pain of being executed like Amyntas last time.

Greeks and Macedonian Exchange
Are Macedonians Greek (Yes). Are Macedonians better than Greeks (Yes). Why should the Greek poleis be thankful we are in charge (too many reasons to mention). Amazingly, many people still regard these questions as being unsettled. Come to the palace on the next hemera Aphrodites to discuss them, get drunk and start a fight with your opponent.

WANTED
A friend for my son - Antipater
Snakes for the Queen - Court Staff

Weather Report

The Vergina Sun

The Vergina Sun

Sunny over Macedonia!
(Image source - History of Macedonia)
Court Notices
Edited by Court Staff
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Camp Notices - What Goes On The Anabasis, Stays On The Anabasis Edition

Aléxandros ho Mégasi

The King’s Speech

Welcome to this new edition of the Camp Notices. As you will have noticed it is slightly more rough and ready both in appearance and content than usual. This is because it has been put together on the hoof - literally. My thanks go to Ptolemy son of Lagos for hand writing the Notices during today’s ride.

Battles with Darius and our survival allowing, the next few editions of the Notices will be written by Ptollers in this fashion. We will revert to the previous format once Eumenes and the baggage train catch up with us. Until then, please co-operate with him if he asks for your help.

In the meantime, whether you are riding or marching, keep your eyes open for Persians, your spears ready for blood and your worship ready for me.

Alexander

Drinking Awards
Who is the biggest drinker in Alexander’s army?
I interviewed some of the men in the phalanx to find out

Amyntas of Lynkestis “I nominate myself. I once drank ten amphorae of wine, without food, one after the other in the Aegae Wine Tent in front of a group of women.”

Amyntas of Bottiæa “Amyntas of Lynkestis reveals only that he himself is actually a woman. I once drank twelve amphorae of wine, then ate the amphorae so that I didn’t miss any wine out; following this, I drank my own urine for the next twelve hours. All in front of my father.”

Amyntas of Pella “What Amyntas of Lynkestis didn’t tell you is that his wine was diluted by sweat while he drank; and what Amyntas of Bottiæa didn’t tell you is that it was raining while he was drinking. I drank twelve amphorae of wine in my tent ensuring that no water got into it by remaining apart from my friends. I then ate the amphorae, drank my urine, drank the urine of my friends just in case they had drunk from the amphorae without my knowledge and licked the sweat off their bodies. In front of my wife.”

Amyntas of Mygdonia “I can’t believe the nonsense I have been hearing. I drank twelve amphorae of wine, ate the amphorae, drank my urine, and my friend’s urine, licked the sweat off my body as well as theirs, then cut myself open and drank my own blood. All in front of my mother. When she collapsed and died of shock, I went into her house and drank her store of wine. I know none of this was much but I am not ashamed.”

Amyntas of Orestes “I am sorry, am I in the Macedonian or Theban army? Right, so I did this. Twelve amphorae, my urine, my friends’ urine, licked the sweat off everyone within a thirty food radius of me just-in-case, and cut myself open and put a tube in my body so that I could keep drinking my own blood forever. After I was revived, I found that my wife had been drinking so I sucked on both her nipples to get her wine, and drank her blood. When she died and I was convicted of murder, I was sentenced to die by drowning - in wine. Except that when my head was put in the barrel I drank it all, so I was let off. With the judge’s permission, I ate the barrel. All in front of my children.”

Amyntas of Lynkestis “Ptolemy, this is why Amyntas of Orestes has no friends. He is always exaggerating.”

Expedition Memories
We’ve been on the road for nearly four years now. What have been the soldiers’ favourite memories?

1. Winning the battle at Arbela - 42%
2. Pillaging Persepolis - 18%
3. Watching Persepolis burn - 15%
4. Invading Tyre - 8%
_ Fighting whoever, wherever, then drinking afterwards - 8%
6. Smashing Babylonian whores - 5%
7. Seeing the erection of the Pella Wine Tent - 2%
8. Not having to face a tongue lashing from Queen Olympias 1%
_ Watching Alexander ‘untie’ the Gordian knot 1%

Camp Notices
All society events may be cancelled if we get wiped out by Darius’ army

Your scribe bravely writes on

Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 3
The WSC will be meeting on the hemera selena after camp has been established. As the hollowed out sarissas are currently in the baggage train, we will simply drinking as much as possible before the moon reaches her zenith. Due to limited supplies, members will be permitted to dilute their wine if they wish, just as long as they do not tell any one that they have done so. We are Macedonians and still have standards to uphold.

Friends of Rome
Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus will be meeting next to the latter’s tent on the next hemera Areos to discuss the consulship of Publius Valerius Poplicola and Titus Lucretius Tricipitinus, which took place in the thirty ninth regnal year of Amyntas I. During this year, Rome was attacked by Lars Porsena on behalf of Tarquinius Superbus in an attempt to restore the monarchy; the meeting will look at how Poplicola and Tricipitinus met and repelled this threat despite the great cost to themselves.

Campfire Soc
The advantage of being away from the baggage train means NO UMM TO BULLY US! Finally-Free Amyntas invites you to his campfire on the next hemera Hermes to swap lewd stories about your wife. Remember, what goes on the anabasis, stays on the anabasis; Cleopatra of the UMM can’t kill us if she doesn’t know what we’ve been doing!

30 Seconds to Persia
On the next hemera dios, 30SP will be performing songs around the theme of ‘kings and queens’ outside Alexander’s tent. After the performance, Hephaestion will be standing around speaking nicely to everyone while looking bloody sexy. Come for the show, come to see why your wives, mistresses and lovers like him so damned much.

Engineering and the Chicken
On the next hemera Aphrodites, Aristobulus will be building a scale model of the temple at Siwa, which Alexander visited during our stay in Egypt. The model will be made of mud, dirt, water and some of that day’s provisions, which he will be donating to his pet chicken after the model has been completed. All welcome.

  • As ever, guests are invited to remain behind after the meeting to which Aristobulus’ chicken eat the edible parts of the model; in the event that the camp is attacked, however, the chicken will be put into a cage while the Persians are beaten up.

The Big Question
Who is harder than Olympias?
Last week, 9 out of 10 Macedonians agreed that Alexander’s badass mother was harder than iron and bronze combined. This week, we pitch the queen…

You think you got what it takes to stand up to a woman who sleeps with snakes?

Against…

Palace of Knossos

… the downfall of Minoa

When Minoa was mysteriously destroyed, it did not just kill a few people but an entire civilisation. Who knows what damage this did to the development of Greek thought, trade, military might etc for years into the future? And yet, was it as powerful, awful, and intense an event as Alexander’s mother? Let Ptolemy know your thoughts.

From the Archive
Codrus: The king who just can’t help sacrificing himself

Athens was indifferent today to the overnight news that their king had wrongly interpreted the sound of a house collapsing as proof that the Dorians were invading, and had thrown himself off the acropolis in an effort to save the city. By unlikely good fortune, Codrus landed on the roof of a caravan, which broke his fall, leaving him with only a few broken bones - albeit including both his legs. He was left lying in the street by people who had better things to do than help their obsessive monarch back to the top of the acropolis so that he could try again until the queen came to help him.

Athens is still independent.

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who is doing it in the baggage train with any number of lucky punters while we search for Darius. Some times life just isn’t fair.

Dear Lady Aphrodit etc etc

My husband serves in the heavy infantry, which has gone on ahead with Alexander. I love sex. How am I supposed to manage until he comes back?

Yours, Devoted To Love

Dear Devoted,

Cry me the Aegean! My dear, there are any number of options for you to gain, if I may use the term, satisfaction. They chiefly involve male prostitutes; come to my tent at the next opportunity for an introduction.

Yours Lady Aphrodite who etc etc

  • If any man thinks that ‘Devoted to Love’ is his wife and needs counselling as a result of reading the above advice, please see Ptolemy and he will do what he can to get you drunk.

Aphrodite of Syracuse

Camp Notices
Edited by Ptolemy son of Lagos

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Camp Notices - Farewell to Allies Edition

Alexander of Macedon

The King’s Speech
To the allies of Macedon

Together, we crossed the Hellespont to take revenge on Darius III for Persian atrocities visited upon the Greek poleis. In three major battles, we took it. But war was not enough; for our revenge to be complete, we had to take Persia’s three major cities - Babylon, Susa and Persepolis - and thus, the empire. Yet, that too, we did. Now, having entered Ecbatana, we have taken the summer residence of the Persian kings. Our revenge is not only complete but gilded it as well.

This begs the question: what next? For me the answer is clear: pursuit of Darius. There can be only one King of Asia and I will not permit another to live in defiance of me. For you, however, it may be different. Your work is done; if you wish to return to Greece, albeit with a heavy heart, I will release you.

Be assured, if you decide to return home, you will depart with your wages fully paid and a bonus added - and I assure you, it will be most generous one. More than that, you will leave with my blessing and a guard to ensure your safe passage.

If, however, you decide to re-enlist with my army, I promise that the bonus you receive for your loyalty will be substantially greater than that which those leaving received. It is only right that those who work hardest and longest are paid the most.

We will not be staying in Ecbatana for long so make your decision now: Return home rich, or stay with me, and not only win even greater wealth but glory as well.

Alexander
From the Archive
Codrus: The king whose favourite kind of sacrifice is himself

Athens was rocked today by an earthquake. The news that Codrus had tried to take the place of a prisoner who was about to executed for some crime or another in the mistaken belief that if he survived the Dorians would one day conquer Athens made no impact on anyone whatsoever as Athenians are used to Codrus’ acts of self sacrifice and, if they are being honest, it rather bores them.

Aphrodite in action

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind schedule as she likes to do it slllooooow

Dear La etc etc

I get turned on by volcanoes. Is this normal?

Yours Who Loves to Rock and Be Rocked

Dear Rock,

There is nothing wrong with being aroused by an volcano - just as long as you remember that your wife / prostitute is only going to be interested in another kind of spurt.

Lady Ap etc etc

Ptolemy

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. Appropriate Stories for Children

I have received the following correspondence.

Ptolemaios,
I have a son aged six and a daughter, 8. He is of a nervous disposition. I did not know this until I told him the story of Orestes and Elektra; now, he wonders about the house with a haunted look, worried that his sister will kill his mother and make the Erinyes come after him. Please could you publish this letter as a warning to other parents: be careful what tales you tell your children! The wrong ones could cause them great suffering!

[Redacted]

I am happy to publish this letter although not as a warning. The truth is, we live in a world where children need to grow up fast. Violence is an essential part of our world and so the earlier they are exposed to it the better. In my opinion, [Redacted] did the right thing in reading the Oresteia to his son. If it doesn’t kill him the story will almost certainly make him a strong fighter as an adult. It may also make him psychologically damaged as well but that isn’t my problem.

I like to practice what I preach, so if you would like to read some of my stories for children, visit my ‘Storify’ page here.

Ptolemy

The Big Question

Last week, 7 out of 10 Macedonians voted that they would rather be assailed by brigands than Alexander’s badass mother. This week’s competitor is a thunder bolt - the weapon of Zeus himself.

Ouch

Why should you fear Olympias more than Zeus? Well, statistically speaking, the chances of being struck by lightening are a whole lot less than being given a tongue lashing and then murdered by the queen. If you don’t believe us, just ask Philip II [Are you sure this is appropriate for the Camp Notices? - Eumenes]

Olympias of Macedon

Camp Notices

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting on the next hemera heliou in Amyntas Africanus’ tent to continue their series looking at the Roman consuls. This week, Marcus Horatius Pulvillus comes under the candle light. Pulvillus was the third suffect of the newly established Roman Republic in the twenty-eighth year of Amyntas I (replacing Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus who died in office). He may also have served as Pontifex Maximus. Using this as his springboard, Amyntas Superbus will be asking the question, ‘Is religion politics, and politics religion?’

  • Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus would like to thank Aristobulos for making a model of the Tarpeian Rock, complete with toy prisoners to throw off. The model will be auctioned at the meeting.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 8
A quiet meeting last week (and the cancellation of the WS Ultras’ pankration and wine competition) saw only four deaths as a result of drink-stabbing accidents. The club will be aiming to correct this at the next meeting on the next hemera selenes when it holds a special open-session for residents of Ecbatana, so that they might come and experience this little slice of Macedonian “culture”.

Wine and Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Areos, the WinPuSoc will be looking at being beaten to death and how one delivers the ‘kick that kills’ both literally and figuratively.

The League of Amazing Eunuchs
The LAE will be meeting in the Aegae Wine Tent on the next hemera Hermu to hear Bagoas give a talk about his namesake and fellow eunuch who became the vizier for Artaxerxes III (who reigned from the first to twenty-first regnal year of Philip II) before overthrowing him in favour of Darius III Codomannus.

Wear Alexander! Merchandise from Macedon

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Will be holding a special ‘goodbye’ party on the next hemera Dios for all the mothers whose husbands have decided to leave Alexander’s service. Donations to pay for the party and parting presents will be sought from all husbands; Cleopatra of the UMM knows you will all be generous. It goes without saying that she also knows where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
Next hemera Aphrodites the KkS will be holding a symposium on ‘The Beauty of Cacophony’. The meeting will take place in Ugly Amyntas’ tent but will also involve a walk to the Pella and Aegae Wine Tents to compare the levels of noise in each. Guests are asked not to stay behind and get drunk.

Pock Chop Soc
In the light of our arrival in Ecbatana the PCS will be meeting on the next hemera Khronu to discuss “Who was the greatest king: Croesus, Astyages, or Nebuchadnezzar II?”. Croesus had his wealth, Astyages brought stability, Nebuchadnezzar built the ‘hanging gardens’ of Babylon. They ruled in life together, but who, in death, had most impact upon the world before Cyrus the Great overthrew their empires?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“May all the gods whom I settled in their sacred centres ask daily of Bêl and Nâbu that my days be long and may they intercede for my welfare. … The people of Babylon blessed my kingship, and I settled all the lands in peaceful abodes.”

(Cyrus the Great)

Always pray for your ruler

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Camp Notices - Chariots & Wine Edition

Horns & Diadems = an all conquering badass

The King’s Speech

Nobody enjoys an evening’s entertainment as much as I do. However, even I would draw the line at the antics of certain members of the Wine Sarissa Club, which I saw last night.

It is one thing to drink wine out of a hollowed out sarissa, but really quite another to do it when racing round the camp in a chariot. Especially when there are people on foot nearby - such as me.

This unfortunate entry in the WSC’s ever expanding repertoire of ways to die young is, no doubt, a consequence of the emergence of the Wine Sarissa ultras. I understand that next week, they intend to host a pankration and wine competition (see the society notices below). I look forward to it because I know that whatever happens deaths will be limited to those in the circle. I do not look forward to being nearly run over by drunk wine-drinking men in chariots.

This is what it means to be Macedonian - being reckless without being stupid; mad but not crazy, and - if you really don’t mind - being fast without running your king over. Failure to adhere to this third element of our identity will cause me to teach you what it means to be dead. Sarissans, you are warned; Sarissan ultras - I look forward to seeing blood and gore.

Thank you for your consideration.

Alexander


From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Athens is not in shock tonight after learning that King Codrus injured himself after jumping in front of a out-of-control camel to save the life of a kitten. It is believed that Codrus, a life long cat lover, acted in the belief that if the moggie died and he survived, Athens would be ruined in accordance with the Delphic Oracle’s prophecy.

The Delphic Comment was reached and made a comment; unfortunately, we have not been able to decipher it yet.

Ptolemy, but not yet


Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. What to do if you forget your narrative

So, there you are, in the middle of the circle; two hundred eyes fixed upon you, one hundred souls hanging upon your every word; you speak slowly, looking each person in the eye as you do so; your voice quietens and your body tenses; the denouement is coming… is coming… coming…

Uh… what was it again?

Forgetting what happens next is a humiliating experience for a poet. It can also be a lethal one if the audience gets irate.

What can he do to avoid shame and being dead? This is an important question as the consequences of forgetting can not only be embarrassing but - assuming the poet is not killed - expensive, as he is forced to give his audience its money back.

The old advice (reputedly given by Homer, but I doubt that) is ‘if you forget your narrative just have someone get stabbed in the dark’, the idea being that by the time you have sung that scene you will have remembered what was supposed to happen and will be able to weave the stabbing into the story proper.

But what if you don’t remember?

What if your mind goes completely blank?

I personally recommend simply making the rest of the story up as you go along with any unresolved threads being used as the basis of a sequel. “But, Ptolemaios,” you are saying, “What if I am singing The Iliad? My audience will know what happens next even if I don’t. I can’t make that story up!”

To which I reply - Pirate Poets. Your audience know Homer’s Iliad. They do not know that version of the fight for Helen which exists in, oh, let’s say some obscure village in Asia Minor. But you do. Or rather, if you brazen it out enough, you will convince your audience that you do, and that is just the same.

If your audience accepts your word that what you just made up is a legitimate story, you are fine; however, it may want to see proof of this variation. That’s when you go to the pirate poets; when you do, simply tell them the story you told your audience, and they will run up a fake manuscript showing your version of it!

Once they see the MS, your audience will be so impressed at your depth of knowledge that you will probably be able to charge higher prices to sing for them in the future!

Tips

  • Pirate poets can be found in or near all disreputable establishments. For us, that means the Pella Wine Tent.
  • If the pirate poet threatens to expose you to your audience, kill him.
  • Don’t use shark poets as they charge exorbitant amounts of money per word and then give you an MS that was written for someone else.

Ptolemy

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who invented a position called the ziggurat

Dear Lady Aphrodite who does it in the vanguard with the officer class,

My wife has recently become obsessed with Hephaistos, and has taken to fondling her poker instead of mine, if you see what I mean. I am worried that she will try to brand me in my sleep. What can I do?

Yours,
Blaming Her Friendship with Thaïs of Athens

***

Dear Blaming,

The good news is that if your wife does brand you, slave chic is very popular in certain regions of Upper Macedon! But maybe that is not your thing. Well, if your wife insists on being Hephaistos, why don’t you be Aphrodite who was serially unfaithful to her partner? The girls and I in my tent are currently offering a two-for-one deal. How about it?

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite Who Never Misses An Opportunity

Lady Aphrodite (the goddess one)

Camp Notices

Loot Soc
We are in possession of a splendid Persian couch with golden armrests that was handed into the society by an honest Macedonian this last week. Do you know to whom it might belong? Please contact Pillaging Amyntas if so.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 12
Tomorrow (the hemera heliou) funerals will be held for those brave and drunken men who died during our sarissa wine drinking race round the camp last night. Unfortunate deaths aside, a great time was had by all so this event will likely be repeated in the future.

  • There is a rumour going round that we almost ran the king over. If this turns out to be true, and he hasn’t banned the club as a result, the next race may be held a little further away to avoid trouble and him.

NB: The hard core members of the Wine Sarissa Club are called the WS Ultras. This coming hemera selenes they will be holding a pankration and wine drinking competition through the night. The traditional format for this competition will be adhered to, i.e., one ten minute round of pankration followed by the downing of a krater of wine, followed by another ten minute round of pankration etc. Last man standing/alive wines. Sorry, wins.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
Cleopatra of the UMM will be debating with Alexander on the subject ‘Why Mothers Are Better Than Conquerors’ this coming hemera Areos in the AWT. In case you can’t make it, don’t worry about not knowing the outcome. We all know she will win. If you don’t, your lack of faith in the UMM will be remembered.

Wine & Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Hermu, Wine & Punishment will be discussing being buried alive. Not for the squeamish.

Engineering and the Chicken
Also on the hemera Hermu, Aristobulos will be giving a talk in his tent on his recent visit to Pasargadae with particular reference to Cyrus’ tomb, which, he is glad to report, was found in good shape. After his talk, he will be building a model of the tomb using snow and fish meat. After the talk, Aristobulos’ chicken will be eating the fish; guests are invited to stay and watch but asked not to distract her.

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting in Amyntas Africanus’ tent this coming hemera Dios to continue their discussion of Roman Consuls. This week, they will be looking at the first two Suffect Consuls: Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus and Publius Valerius Publicola, who ruled Rome in the twenty-eighth year of King Amyntas I. Amyntas Africanus will open the meeting by asking ‘How did the rape of his daughter Lucretia affect Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus as consul?

  • Please note that in accordance with Roman tradition, diluted wine will be served as this symposium

Friends of the Pella Wine Tent
Next hemera Aphrodites the inaugural meeting of the FPWT will meet in the Pella Wine Tent to discuss whatever comes to mind and get drunk. Anything else would be a discourtesy.

The Big Question

Olympias of Macedon, badass mother

Who would you rather meet on a dark night - brigands or Olympias?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Moderation is the best thing.”

(Cleobulus)

[Has this been checked with Alexander? - Eumenes]

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Camp Notices - Cyrus Edition

Cyrus wannabe [Very funny, Leonnatus; please delete this before we publish the Notices - Ed]

The King’s Speech

This week, as the army continued on its way to Ecbatana, I broke away from the main column to visit Pasargadae, the home and burial place of Cyrus the Great.

For those of you who do not know, Cyrus founded the Persian empire during the twenty-sixth regnal year of my predecessor, Alcetas I. He was a brave soldier, wise legislator, and friend to men. I strongly recommend Xenophon’s Kúrou paideía, which can be bought from the mobile library, for more information about him.

While at Pasargadae, we entered Cyrus’ tomb to pay homage to him, and when we left, we left him under the protection of the Magi.

The Magi, of course, are men of great dignity. As such, they would be within their rights to charge a great fee for protecting Cyrus’ tomb. But they do not; in fact, they guard it for no more than one sacrificial sheep and horse per month.

I commend the loyalty and devotion of the Magi to you. If they will guard a king for so little, what will you do for your king who gives you so much?

Alexander

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. ‘Mycenae, rich in gold’

“But it was. It was. Oh my gods, it was! Homer was right! Gold, lovely gold! I just can’t take the thought of it any more!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus sobs over his copy of The Iliad]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over the First Intermediate Period in Egypt

From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Reports are coming in today that King Codrus of Athens threw himself onto the hearth in his palace yesterday evening. This remarkable event is said to have taken place after his wife, the queen, spilt some hot water on her finger while making dinner. Hearing her cry, Codrus - remembering the prophecy that Athens would not survive a disaster if the king lived through it and believing that it referred to the hand of his queen - leapt forward and spear tackled the cauldron. He then lay down on the fire. Quick thinking servants put the fire out before it could consume him.

Our reporters say that Athens remains standing.

Once upon a Ptolemy

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

II. Getting An Audience

A few nights ago, following last week’s column on how to engage your audience while telling a story, I was asked in the Pella Wine Tent how does a poet get an audience in the first place?

That is a good question. Men are very busy these days and will not readily give up their time to hear even a good story. A poet may use a number of methods to grab people’s interest.

1. Pay people to listen. Sadly, most (i.e. all) poets are very poor. If they were rich they would probably be politicians so this method is not very practicable.

2. Coerce. Blackmailing people can be fun but sadly, is not wise in this instance. The last thing you want to happen while singing of Achilles’ rage (if you really must sing the same song as every other poet ever) is to get stabbed in the back - literally - by an audience member with a grudge.

3. Ask / Beg / Plead. There is nothing wrong with any of these options in and of themselves, but be wary - if you use any of them, you are effectively telling your prospective audience members ‘I am soft, listen to me for a while, then beat me up and take my money; in fact, don’t even do that, here it is, and can I lick the dirt of your sandals for you?’

4. Get them drunk. This is my favourite method. If you whip out your lyre or lute at the right moment during a drinking session, the kind of people who would be likely to take advantage of you ( [3] above) will be too drunk to be of any trouble. Similarly, the kind of people who would be minded to listen will do just that, for they will be grateful that you have given them an opportunity to slow down on their drinking, because - apparently - there are some people out there who do not drink to get drunk.

Ptolemy

Camp Notices

The Union of Macedonian Mothers will be taking revenge on the men who continue to try and pierce their wives ears and other body parts with xystons and spears and who failed to give a donation for the outing to Susa two weeks ago. Cleopatra (tyrannos - Is that right, Leonnatus? I really don’t want to get on her wrong side - Ed) apologises for the inconvenience to wives and mistresses if their man turns up dead.

The Kaloi k’agathoi Soc will be holding nine nights of petition (NNP) from the hemera heliou onwards to ask Ares to send us a new Persian army against which Alexander may win new glory and his soldiers loot - and scars. The NNP is open to all and will be followed by wine and an SAE (scar admiration exchange).

The Wine Sarissa Club meets at midnight on the next hemera Hermes for a special Under the Moonlight meeting. Wine drinking and initiations (there are currently six vacancies due to deaths by over drinking) will be punctuated by prayers and hymns to Selene.

Love and Strife Soc. This new society is dedicated to the discussion and dissemination of the works of the Acragian philosopher Empedocles. Mystical Amyntas, a lifelong admirer of Empedocles’ work, invites anyone who is interested in knowing more about the great man’s writings to his tent at sunset on the next hemera Areos. M. Amyntas says, “Empedocles was the greatest philosopher to live before Socrates. The first half of our symposia will involve a reading of a portion of his On Nature; the second will be a discussion of the same, which will last until we are all too drunk to continue.

Engineering and the Chicken. There will be no E&tC meeting this week as Aristobulos is in Pasargadae; however, he wishes to thank all those who prayed for his chicken over the past week. The Camp Notices is happy to report that she is back to full health and, no doubt, ready to eat another structure upon the return of her master.

This coming hemera Hermes, the Friends of Rome will be holding the first in a series of symposia to discuss the rôle of the Roman consul since its inception in the twenty-eighth regnal year of King Amyntas I. The first symposium will look at Lucius Iunius Brutus and Lucius Tarquinius Collatinus, and will be asking the question ‘Were they right to overthrow the Roman monarchy?‘. Of course they weren’t, but if you would like to find out why, visit Amyntas Africanus’ tent at sunset to find out why.

Wine and Punishment Soc. A new society dedicated to discussing different forms of capital punishment over a krater or two of wine. This week: crucifixion. The first meeting will be held in the Pella Wine Tent on the hemera Dios, and will look at the fate of Polycrates of Samos (who was, by-the-bye, betrayed to death by the Persians).

Loot Soc thanks to all who attended its exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent last hemera Aphrodites. There will be another one on the same day next week. It was very interesting seeing all the the loot that was brought for sale or exchange - the head of an unknown pharaoh, Gyges’ queen’s clothing, and Moses’ staff being among some very notable items on display.

Meet The Macedonians

A more humourless face than this has not been seen since Lycurgus bored the world

Seleucus, son of Antiochus. The man who knows not what a comb looks like and teller of unfunny jokes. Seleucus loves his mum and can be found most evenings in the Pella Wine Tent extolling the virtues of both his parents. Seleucus says he is thoroughly committed to Alexander’s mission and that his ambition is to one day ‘found one or two cities’ of his own. Good luck, sir!

A Walk through Nature
by Craterus Son of Alexander
Can you guess what type of flower this is?

Actually, it isn’t a flower at all, at least, not one that sprouts from the ground, but a tree in bloom, and the tree is not just any old tree but a cornel tree, which we use to make our sarissas.

We use cornel trees because of their toughness of their wood; and not just for weapons, either, but a whole range of implements - usually, of course, the handle.

I am often disappointed by the little thanks that we give the gods’ bounty. The next time you chop down a shrub or a tree for whatever use - even if it is just to burn - why not say a little thank you to father Zeus and any other appropriate god for what they have given us?

  • Craterus is a commander in the phalanx, and a flower lover. He won Macedon’s Strongest Man award three years in succession in the first - third year of Alexander’s reign; if he says you thank the gods for trees, then we suggest you get thanking before he gets angry and gets beating.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Let no one untrained in getting drunk enter.”

(Sign above the Pella Wine Tent)

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Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

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Camp Notices: Lessons from Syracuse Edition

Not Dionysus of Syracuse

The King’s Speech
Less than a hundred years ago, in the eighth regnal year of my predecessor Archelaus I, Carthage captured the cities of Selinus and Himera in Sicily. They took 3,000 Greeks hostage and sacrificed them to their gods. This despicable act preceded an attack on Acragas and then Gela. As Carthage captured the former and lay siege to the latter, Dionysus I of Syracuse was elected strategos autokrator in his home city and charged with its defence.

Over the next few years, he rebuilt the Syracusian army in preparation for a counter strike. His work was concluded in the second year of the joint kingship of Orestes I and Aeropus II. That year, he marched out against the Carthaginians defeating them in Motya following a hard fought battle.

The bloodshed was so bad, Dionysus worried that there would be no Carthaginians left to be sold as slaves. Carthage had suffered a terrible loss, but it was not was defeated; a year later, Himilco of Carthage attacked Dionysus’ forces. Syracuse and Carthage then fought each other for four years until (i.e. in the second and last regnal year of Argaeus II and first regnal year of Amyntas II) Himilco was forced to sign a peace treaty.

The treaty gave Carthage a presence on Sicily. Why? Dionysus had won the war. Well, he wanted an excuse to continue as strategos autokrator, that is to say, as a tyrant. What better way to ensure this than by signing a treaty that kept the Syracusians looking over their shoulders at their enemies.

So, why do I mention all this? Well, now that I am the Lord of Asia, I know that some of you are wondering why we are now marching north to Ekbatana and not to Babylon and home.

The reason is Darius III Codomannus. He lives, and while he lives, he remains a rival to my throne; the throne that he once sat upon. Now, you might argue that as he has been deposed from it, he cannot be considered a threat. But this is a short sighted view. For as long as Darius remains alive, he may gather a new army to himself that could threaten my rule. Of course, I could do what Dionysus I did and come to terms with him. But he (Dionysus), as I have stated, only did that in order to maintain his own authority. I intend to pursue and apprehend Darius in the interest of long term Greek safety and unity between peoples. I have peace in mind, not power.

I know some of you would like to return home; you shall - and with even more riches than you currently own - but I would not have you leave here under threat of a surprise attack. When you leave, you shall look only forward, not over your shoulder as the men of Syracuse were forced to do. It is for this reason that we go north; and it is for this reason that I warn you to look out for Darius as we ride for I fully expect him to challenge me once more.

When he does I will defeat him. Then, he will either be dead or will submit to my authority; when that happens the ghost of Dionysus I of Syracuse that haunts us now will be banished forever and the peace that he could not give his people shall be given by me to mine.

Alexander

The Ironic Enrinys
On Minoa

“Look, you’ll only get rid of the ear wax if you put your finger IN your ear.”

“I always told the children that they would be back from the Labyrinth in time for tea.”
“Sheep were more popular than bulls on Minoa.”
“Minoan men were frightened of women’s breasts.”
“The Dorian Greeks only invaded Minoa because they were provoked.”
.
.
.
.

Book Charts
courtesy of the mobile library

1. The Iliad by Homer (no change)
2. The Odyssey by Homer (no change)
3. Odes by Pindar (new)
4. Histories by Herodotus (down one place)
5. Anabasis by Xenophon (down one place)

Analysis
The new chart shows no change in the top two positions for the five hundredth year and 2600 (ish) week in succession. Below it, however, Pindar has shot into third place displacing Thucydides from the top five. What has led to Pindar’s sudden popularity? Who can say but maybe it will inject a bit of life in this frankly moribund chart. Perhaps we’ll just start making it up; Would you like that? Let me know, or, why not just come to the library and take another bloody scroll out!
Sarcastic Amyntas

Ptolemy a few years hence


Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

I. Don’t be afraid to involve your audience.

Every night in the Pella Wine Tent I see men telling stories about things that have happened to them, the gods or some other subject and as they speak (or sing) they recline on their couch as if their audience has the plague or bad B.O.

This is very bad practice.

A good story-teller wants to make his audience feel as much part of the story as possible. If it is a peaceful one (e.g. about what you did at home/while marching) why not insert a reference to food or drink into the narrative; if you do you will have an excuse to provide one or the other or even both to the people listening to you. This is particularly useful if you sense that your audience is getting bored.

Similarly, if your story is about war, don’t be afraid to stab or smack, punch or strangle one of your listeners. They won’t complain (on account of being dead) and the surviving members will leave you afterwards with the satisfaction of having got as close to the action of the narrative as one can without having jumped into the story itself. You will be thanked for this and adored by generations to come as a second Homer (Possibly).

Ptolemy

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. Democracy

“Oh my! Oh, oh my! Oh, oh, oh my! Giving men the right to vote! The right to decide their future! OH MY! IT’S ALL TOO, TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus gets confused and tries to kill himself so that he can die happy]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over his Boot Straps

Camp Notices
Now that we are on the road again, all meetings will be after sundown unless otherwise stated

Proxenus and the Engineering and the Chicken Soc.
Aristobulos informs the Camp Notices that due to the success of last week’s talk, during which he and Proxenus made a model of the Royal Tent using only leaves and twigs, they will be teaming up again this coming hemera selenes to make a full sized model of the ark of the covenant out of according to the directions laid out in the Israelites’ holy book. To add to the challenge, both objects will be made out of whatever material guests bring with them.

* Aristobulos’ chicken will not be eating any food used in the challenge this week as she has been feeling under the weather for the last few days. Please pray to Asklepios for her recovery as Aristobulos has been feeling very lonely without her.

Pneuma Soc
Last week’s discussion on ‘What do the words of a drunk man mean?‘ will continue on the hemera Areos this week. The talk will be followed by a workshop during which one male and one female guest will be invited to get drunk so that their words can be analysed for possible meaning.

* If you would like to volunteer to be one of the drunk guests, please let Deep Thoughts Amyntas know by midnight on the hemera selenes.

Get drunk. Dance.


Pork Chop Soc
The PCS regrets to announce that following last week’s real life massacre during a game of Rome: Total War Bastard for children it will not be starting a children’s division of the club. Destroying one’s enemies in the context of a game is one thing but doing it in real life because you lost or ‘wanted total and utter victory’ is another. The PCS thanks the UMM for not destroying it in any revenge action as a result of the unfortunate bloodshed.

Wine Sarissa Soc
Scythian Extra Strength Rot Gut, acquired from some shady camel traders on the first day after we left Persepolis, will be used at this week’s meeting on the hemera Hermu. There are currently three vacancies for places in the society; if you would like to join it and are prepared to drink the Rot Gut+ you will be given free membership for two years instead of one. If you die in the attempt, the society promises to crucify the traders should they ever be seen again.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM understands that women like to beautify themselves in whatever way possible and applauds this; however, please do not let any man pierce ANY PART OF YOUR BODY with his xyston or sarissa. These weapons are WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE TOOLS FOR PIERCINGS. And no, it does not matter if he does it when sober rather than drunk.

Men who attempt to pierce their wives with a spear are reminded that the UMM know where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
This coming hemera Dios the KkS will be holding a discussion in the Pella Wine Tent on ‘The Beauty of the Gorgon”. You would have to have a heart of stone to miss it.

Loot Soc
Have you ever looted something that you no longer want? If so, Loot Soc is for you. The Society of Looters and Pillagers (to give it its full name) is a friendly society dedicated to helping members get rid of loot they don’t want and acquiring looted goods that they do over a flagon of wine or two. We will be holding our next buy-or-exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent next hemera Aphrodites.

The Good Macedonian Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it at the end of the baggage train with aplomb

Dear Lady Aphrodite who d etc etc

Theognis said that “there is nothing sweeter than an honest wife”. Is this true?

Yours,
Thinking about marriage

Sweet as.


Dear Thinking about marriage,

Yes it is; but I would add, there is nothing spicier than a whore. Which you go with just depends on your taste.

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite who does it at th etc etc

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers”

(Aristophanes Plutus)

Worth remembering - Alexander

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Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

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