The King’s Speech
“I have enemies to the left of me, and enemies to the right; the barbarians want their native kings back while the Greeks are confused. My counsellors tell me that I should leave the Greeks be and bring the barbaroi under my yoke using a softly-softly approach. If I listened to them, however, Macedon would last as long as it took me to drain a krater of wine. Grasp your sarissa and sword, men; we go south to the Peloponnese on the morrow. There, the Greeks will confirm me as hegemon of the campaign agains the vile Persians! Women, embrace your men and pray for them. They leave as soldiers but with the gods’ help will return as heroes.
Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
“One of the privileges of being the Master of the Wine is hearing the King’s plans in advance. Thus, I am able to write this notice in the knowledge that Alexander has decided to march to the Peloponnese to seek Greek support for his leadership of the invasion of the Persian Empire. And by ‘seek’, I do – of course – mean ‘demand’ and ‘get’ and ‘if he isn’t given it he will massacre the whole stupid lot of them as they rightly deserve’.
This is good news but naturally Macedonians will be concerned about their access to good wine during the coming journey. Let me assure you that I am already putting in place measures to ensure that the Pella Wine Tent is not only fully stocked during our march south but that we will have wine all the way from here to Babylon!
Being the Master of the Wine is hard work but every time I see a drunk Macedonian stabbing his brother in the face at the end of a long and pointless argument I know I have done my bit to uphold the honour of my country and am proud.
ο του οινου αναξ
On Offer This Week in the Pella Wine Tent
Hemera Heliou WINE
Hemera Selenes WINE
Hemera Areos WINE
Hemera Hermu WINE
Hemera Dios WINE
Hemera Aphrodites WINE
Hemera Khronu WINE
He’s not drunk, he’s just had too much to drink
This Week’s Guest Beer is Gaulish Bastard, a tough ale that goes down hard and is never far from coming back up again.
Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou Join Aristobulos in his house at sunset as he makes a model of what Greece will look like if the Greeks refuse to submit to Alexander’s rule. It will be made of rubbish and woe with a lacing of grief and seed carved in the shape of men. These will be eaten with contempt by his chicken during the following symposium.
Gods’ Will Hunting
Hemera Selenes (at the ninth hour). Does an eagle keep flying over little Amyntas? Has he dreamt of a mysterious hand writing on the wall? Do you never believe anything Cleopatra says despite it coming true? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’ then you need to attend Aristander’s symposium on ‘Prophecy and discernment: a guide’. After the symposium is over Aristander and his team of priests will be available to answer individual enquiries.
Sarissa Wine Club
Amyntas, Club President Writes ”Are you still feeling the disappointment of Demetrios’ recent failure to break the record for Longest Uninterrupted Drink out of a Hollowed Out Sarissa? Then come to the Pella Wine Tent any night and drink/accidentally stab yourself into oblivion with the SWC! Following a spate of copycat deaths occasioned by Demetrios’ record attempt we have 12 vacancies for club membership.”
Union of Macedonian Mothers
Cleopatra of the UMM writes ”Due to circumstances beyond our control, Euridike’s (niece of Attalus) talk on ‘Life as a Royal Wife’ – which was due to be given on the next hemera Areos – has had to be cancelled. Permanently. Queen Olympias has kindly agreed to step in with a talk on ‘Death of a Royal Wife’.
Top Topics on UMMsnet This Week
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Pankratiatists doing what they do best – beating each other to a pulp
The League of Professional Pankratiatists
A society dedicated to opposing the imposition of any rules in our great sport
Word has come to us that our brother Pankratiasts in Athens want to disallow eye gouging. Join the LPP this coming hemera Hermu to reject this proposal and challenge Athens to a fight to the death for talking soft.
Need a rest from your children? Why not take them to Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra’s “Orestes & Elektra Play Day”? While you take a rest, Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra will dress up as the Furies and chase your little ones into madness and/or death all afternoon. One drachma per child.
Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller…
… regrets to announce the withdrawal from sale of all Amyntas IV statues and statuettes
… has great pleasure in announcing a new line of breakable hoplite and Triballian models (more to come)
… is holding an open day for all interested in becoming a sculptor next hemera Dios. Arrive before the sixth hour and get a free statue of your choice, which will be carved by one of my hard working apprentices on the day!
Solon’s Daughters have great pleasure in announcing that we passed our recent inspection. After a thorough examination, the said inspectors declared themselves to be ‘very satisfied, indeed’! Come and visit us on the next hemera Aphrodites as we celebrate this good news with a 2 4 1 offer!
Amyntas & Sons
The times are a little less violent at the moment thanks to our king’s speedy actions but they will soon be heating up again. If you have had a premonition of dying in the coming conflagration why not pay a visit to Amyntas & Sons and pick a weapon to go down fighting with.
Next hemera Khronu unless otherwise stated
Cleitus son of Dropides will be holding a second symposium to mourn the death of Philip II. He promises to stop crying this time.
(Sexy) Euridike of Athens will be holding a symposium on ‘Chilon Ephor and God: Interpretations and understandings in the age of Philip II‘
Meleager will be holding a symposium on ‘Why the Macedonian Infantry makes our cavalry look like a bunch of Athenian girls on their ponies‘. To be followed by a riot, death and execution of the ring leaders, most likely.
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave