The Second Achilles

Cassander’s coin…

Regent’s Street

The battle at Megalopolis is over and Macedon is triumphant! Three years ago, King Agis III of Sparta betrayed Greece by accepting Persian money in order to challenge Macedonian rule. He gathered 20,000 men to his cause and the world shook with fear for what his victory over Macedon might mean.

I, Amyntas, rode out against him with 40,000 men and my army laid waste to Agis’ anti-Macedonian coalition of traitors. Even Agis himself died, struck down by a single javelin thrown from a sturdy Aegaen hand!

Who is there to oppose us in all the world, Macedonians? There is no one in Greece, no one in Persia, no one anywhere. And never will there be. My son, Cassander, fought most bravely at Megalopolis; he is the next generation. If all our young men are as faithful and strong as he, Macedon will never fall! I am proud to be his father, proud to be Alexander’s regent, and proud to have given the king the victory in this mighty battle!

Antipater

Olympias

The Queen’s Speech

Upon my birth I was named by my father, Neoptolemus I, Polyxena. When I was initiated into mysteries of Dionysus I signified the new person that I had become by renaming myself Myrtale. And when King Philip triumphed at the Olympic Games in his third regnal year, I became Olympias. Thus, have I proved to you that I am a woman of power, devotion, and glory. And I know, faithful Macedonians, that you do not doubt it. For whose son is it who drives all before him in the land of the hateful Persians? Who was it who was impregnated by Zeus himself on that glorious night? Who is it whose womb is sealed by the sign of the lion?

As I know that you are faithful, you know that I speak of myself. Therefore, listen not to siren voices who try to claim glory for themselves when all they did was fight mice in a battle of no consequence. As Alexander is my king, I am your queen; as you are his children, I am your mother; faithfulness to him has given you riches; faithfulness to me has given you Glory.

Remember that when people speak of how they conquered a field in the Peloponnese.

Olympias

He may be able to define reality but he’s useless at picking a horse.

Aristotle’s Racing Tips

Greetings, horse friends. This week sees the Athens derby take place. It will be a time of celebration for all Athenians. The big race, of course, will be the King Codras stakes, which will see the best riders compete for the ten talent prize. Unique to the Codras stakes, a prize will also be offered to the family of any rider who sacrifices himself to save his horse.

So, who are the runners and riders? Well, let’s start with Simon of Athens who is riding the beautiful mare, Xenophon’s Perspective. Before continuing, I must refute criticism I received after last week’s Racing Tips. A reader from Arcadia asked how I could give any useful tips since, according to my philosophy, horses do not actually exist.

I hope I did not give the impression that horses do not exist, as that would be most inconvenient for the continued existence (no pun intended) of this column. What I meant to say was that horses exist in a different way to how, for example, paper and happiness exist. In fact, this world is so varied that there are many different modes of existence.

Further to this, we can divide up all that exists between those that have a dependent existence and those that exist independently of all other things. An example of the former is breath. It only exists on account of the man who breaths; also, wealth. It only exists for you if you follow my racing tips. An example of the latter are horses and their riders, although it does occur to me that a rider loses his essential rider-ness if he does not have a horse to ride. Oh dear. And I can’t analyse this issue any further because I have nearly reached my word limit. Oh well, to my reader in Arcadia, I hope I have at least demonstrated that horses do in fact exist after all.

Philosophically yours,

Aristotle
(odds on to be named ‘philosopher of the year’ again this year)

The Haliacmon; love it to death

River Tents

Every Macedonian needs to place to rest rest or, if necessary, somewhere he can quietly assassinate an enemy and dispose of his body.

The tents along the Haliacmon and Axius rivers are the perfect place for R and R (Rest and Revenge).

Off the road, hidden within deep woodland or down steep banks, each tent is totally secluded. Indeed, each one has been sited sufficiently far away from its neighbours to ensure that any cries of love or pain will not be heard by anyone except you and your lover - or victim.

I cannot stress enough how effective the siting plan has been. When I visited a number of the tents, I spoke to a number of locals who assured me that no one had been murdered in their area for many, many years. From speaking to friends-in-the-know in Pella, however, I knew that this was not the case. The fact that both the Haliacmon and Axius are fast running rivers makes disposal of bodies (or just body parts) easy.

The tents themselves are small (six rooms maximum incl. torture chamber) but they are furnished. If you intend to torture your enemy before killing him, though, I would recommend you bring your own torture devices as the ones I saw were a bit rusty. Having said that, I was very impressed with the quality of the hunting gear.

The tents do not come cheap and are clearly aimed at the Macedonian nobility. The nobleman who erected them is from Upper Macedonia, which probably explains the cave-like size of the tents and rusty weapons, so it is to be hoped that as he gains more experience of the Royal Court, he will improve the facilities on offer. If he doesn’t, who knows, maybe he will become a victim of his lack of success in one of these very tents.

‘Traveller’

Sons of Makedon

Philip I
(21st before Alexander son of Philip II)

One of the greatest Macedonians kings, Philip spent thirty-eight years on the throne before falling in battle against Illyria. But for Philip’s strength over the course of many years, Macedon would certainly have been defeated by the Illyrians who were constitutionally unable to stop invading us. Like Alexander, Philip I was far-seeing and brave. He did, however, have an unfortunate tendency to fart during banquets, though, which embarrassed his wife no end. Philip’s favourite saying was ‘I can break wind as often as I break bones - and with more force, too!’. The court’s reaction is not recorded.

Court Notices