What’s What in the Twitterworld of Alexander the Great or Everything that Arrian failed to tell you.
Amyntas
The name of far too many Macedonian soldiers who make cameo appearances in Alexander’s Twitter feed.
See also: 30 Seconds to Persia
Baggagers
Colloquial and pejorative term for any of the civilians who follow Alexander in the baggage train.
Black (Gold) Cleitus
One of Alexander’s key officers. Despite the fact that he saved Alexander’s life during the Battle of the Granicus, the king hates Cleitus for saying that Philip II was a better king than Alexander is. Why Cleitus is called ‘the Black’ is unclear, although the purpose of the nickname is to distinguish from another officer known as White Cleitus. Cleitus’ nickname in parenthesis comes from the tan he cultivated during the march across Egypt.
Cambyses’ Army
Not *that* one - he is an unnamed Macedonian soldier who took so much of Ptolemy’s Scythian Pure that he became permanently stoned. In his high state he believes he is Cambyses’ Army. Periodically, Alexander receives letters from or about the soldier from various parts of the known world. They usually comprise accounts of Cambyses Army attacking people and places with comic consequences.
See also: Sycthian Pure
Craterus
One of Alexander’s most trusted and strongest generals; also an enthusiastic flower arranger. He won Macedon’s Strongest Man in the first, second, and third years of Alexander’s reign as king.
Daft Spartan
Popular two piece drum ‘n lute (occasionally lyre) based band who appear periodically in Alexander’s camp, giving loud concerts that keep the king up all night - much to his annoyance. The two band members hide their identity behind helmets - usually Corinthian - but they are believed to originate from Gaul. In recent concerts, Daft Spartan has experimented with light shows by employing people to light up and cover candles placed around the music tent at particular moments during the song. Daft Spartan’s most popular hits to date are “Da Lacedaemonian” and “Harder Better Faster Spartan”. Demosthenes is rumoured to be a big fan.
Egyptian Cat, The
Tagged along with Alexander after he left Memphis. Can often be found chewing the leaves of Craterus’ flowers. Implacable foe of General Wolfe.
Full Macedonian Breakfasts
A popular form of breakfast for the men of Macedon. A Full Macedonian meal is not a meal at all but just a several flagons or horns of wine (eight is the accepted minimum, six of which must be neat).
It is said, chiefly by wine bar historians but also the occasional publicity seeking writer (looking at you Herodotus), that Full Macedonians were invented by Karanus or Perdicas, the first king of the Argead dynasty in the eighth century BC. According to who you speak to this was either because (a) he had no food (b) he was an alcoholic (c) the gods ordained it. Some historians believe that Karanus/Perdicas actually had only water for breakfast and but this was subsequently exaggerated to wine. If so, it would be neither the first or last time an ancient historian exaggerated. One can only be surprised that it is not said that he did not kill a million men while drinking.
A much debated question over the years (culminating in the famous ‘Notes and Queries’ War [1953 - 57] between Prof. Q. E. D. Snodgrass of Corpus Christi, Oxford and Prof. N. V. Q. ‘Bunny’ Bowes of Luton Polytechnic) is whether Macedonian women ever took Full Macedonians. This writer firmly believes that they did not. There is no literary evidence for the fact and, generally speaking, they were far more sensible than the men. Although in the case of Olympias, mother of Alexander the Great, one must reserve judgement.
Full Macedonians fell out of fashion following the Macedonian defeat at the Battle of Pydna in 168 BC.
NB: ‘Half Macedonian’ breakfasts involve either wine and food or just diluted wine.
General Wolfe
Lysimachus’ favourite pet dog. Big, slobbery and very friendly. The implacable foe of the Egyptian Cat. General Wolfe is so named after he rescued Lysimachus from a wolf pack during a hunting trip in Upper Macedon. It is rumoured that after dark the General gains the power of speech and helps Lysimachus to learn the art of military strategy, but this may just be a rumour put about by Ptolemy and Craterus during a drunk night out.
Hephaestion
Sigh x3. (I, Alexander, wrote this entry).
Hephaestion has his own Twitter page: @Chiliarch
Linear bPad
A tablet on which can be viewed images and text. Due to restrictions imposed by its maker, the bPad does not show cave art, much to the King’s annoyance. Made by the Melon company.
Olympias
Alexander’s mother. Lover of snakes and strange rituals. Writes periodically to Alexander asking him if he has / why he has not conquered the world yet.
Ostracon Sweeping
As is well known, ancient Athenians voted to exile citizens by using shards of pottery - called ostracon. When the voting finished, the ostraca had to be swept up and disposed of. What is less well known is that during Alexander’s journey east this cleaning up process became a euphemism for snatching other people’s flagons of wine or beer from their table while they were not looking or were away. Famous ostracon sweepers from ancient Greece were Solon who, it is alleged went ostracon sweeping in taverns across the city as a means of relieving the stress of reforming Athens’ constitution; Peisistratos, who spent his two periods of exile from Athens ostracon sweeping to wile away the time; and Alcibiades, who was known as a serial ostracon sweeper throughout his life. Indeed, it is said in Athens to this day that not once did Alcibiades ever actually buy a drink.
Pella Wine Tent
Principle place of wine imbibing for Alexander and his friends. The tent is large enough to accommodate a riot, and well stocked enough to slake the thirst of several thousand Macedonians over the course of a night. During the king’s stay in Babylon, the tent remained outside the city walls.
It is a little known fact that Alexander gave the PWT full territorial rights, meaning that what went on in the Pella Wine Tent, did quite literally stay there. So, for example, if you got drunk and killed someone, providing that you could get out of the tent alive, you would escape prosecution. Of course, you would not be able to return to the PWT, on pain of punishment*, but that just meant going to one of the other wine tents instead. This was not without its risks, however, as they could be quite lawless. The Aegae Wine Tent even allowed women entry.
Under Alexander’s territorial arrangement, the manager of the PWT was its effective king, giving rise to the phrase ‘my tent, my rules’, which in this case was literally true.
*This could be avoided by payment of an appropriate bribe to the manager, but just make sure he told security and the victims of the offence.
Manager: Amyntas of the Happy Barrels
Security: Mercenaries
Hours: Doesn’t close
Rules: Men only
Perdiccas
The closest person Alexander has to a Number 2. He is obsessed by statistics. He collates them with great care and presents them to the king, who couldn’t care less.
Philip II
Alexander’s earthly father. Intensely disliked by Alexander - not so much for himself but the fact that others - e.g. Black (and Gold) Cleitus - think him a better king than Alexander himself.
Polyperchon
Not withstanding his role as a commander of the pezhetairoi, Polyperchon is a loner who, during periods of inaction for Alexander’s army, disappears. Where to? Surprisingly, (less so if you know how self-centred the officers are), no one bothered to ask, until - during their stay in Babylon - Thaïs found him busking. It turned out that Polyperchon’s real enjoyment in life is making a living playing his harp to passers-by. People laughed at this until Polyperchon managed to quell a riot at Babylon’s main prison through the playing of key outlaw songs. His love of black clothing has led him to be called The Man in Black (Robes).
Pork Chop Society
One of many Macedonian debate and drink societies in Alexander’s camp. The Pork Chop Soc’, as it is popularly known is dedicated to discussing how the world should be carved up (hence the name) by the Macedonians in the wake of Alexander’s conquests. The one stipulation that is attached to any plan is that the re-ordering of the world must take place underneath Alexander’s kingship. No one wants to be convicted for treason for the sake of a good night out. Members who fail to pay their subs in time are entered into the Secretary’s Friends of the Athenian League Book - a symbol of imperial failure and thus shame.
Ptolemy
Alexander’s best friend since childhood. He loves to drink. When not drinking, Ptolemy likes to daydream about taking control of Egypt and building a library in Alexandria. Despite appearances, he is quite a cultured man. His nicknames include ‘Ptollers’ and ‘Ptolly’. It is almost as if Alexander marched on Persia via Oxford.
Ptolemy has his own Twitter page: @Ptolemy_I_Soter.
Roma
A city in Italia. Alexander has nothing but contempt for the Romans and their smug manner, and is quite firm in his belief that the city will never amount to anything.
Scythian Pure
A mind altering drug, used by Ptolemy to get a class of infant children high, much to the displeasure of their parents.
Sexy Euridike
A friend of Alexander, Ptolemy and Thaïs. The origin of her nickname lies in the fact that she is the most beautiful woman this side of the Hindu Kush, with breasts to match. Amazingly (according to 8/10 - survey carried out by Perdiccas) Macedonians, Euridike is neither a hetaira nor common prostitute. She does not have a boyfriend. In fact, she is not even known to have slept with any man. This makes her an enigma to the Macedonians with the exception of a very few who know that she actually wants to be known for her intelligence. If the men at large knew this, they would not understand it.
Among the high points of Euridike’s life in Alexander’s camp is working out how to untie the Gordian Knot before Alexander cut it and winning a Pork Chop Soc’ debate over how Athens should be divided by convincing the audience that not only should it not be divided but should in fact be allowed to resurrect the old Athenian League.
Euridike’s exact occupation within Alexander’s camp is not known she seems to spend at least some of her time inventing things, including (to date) the first steam engine.
Smash and Grab
Game/criminal offence wherein the offender seduces the victim and after having sex with them, steals their property. Among the lower orders, particular respect is given to criminals who are able to steal property during the act of sex. One popular tale (possibly apocryphal), tells of a king who was persuaded by a prostitute-thief to sign his whole kingdom over to her during a smash and grab operation. It should be noted that ruining or destroying the victim (in layman’s terms, enjoying the sexual encounter too much) is regarded as being antithetical to the art of smash and grabbing; criminals who break this unwritten law are usually killed, ostracised, or just made to buy the next drink by their peers.
NB: In Alexander’s time, whether or not oral sex qualified as a legitimate smash and grab operation has been highly disputed.
See also Smash, Ruin, Destroy
Smash, Ruin, Destroy
Terms invented by Ptolemy and Craterus to describe types of sexual intercourse. The terms are hierarchical. Here is Ptolemy’s tweet from 29/6/11:
“What Craterus and I worked out last night: to smash (good sex), to ruin (*really* good sex), to destroy (sex so good it almost kills you).”
Persephone is a favourite target of Ptolemy’s: ”… I’d smash Persephone in the summer and ruin her in the winter. In the spring, destroy without question.”He has also declared his wish to destroy Athena. Thaïs’ view on the use of such violent terms to describe love making is currently unknown. It would be fair to guess, however, that she would disapprove of them and be happy to smash Ptolemy over the head if he used them in front of her.
Spartans of the Lulz (aka LOL Spartans)
A group of Lacedaemonians which turns up from time to time in the middle of a seemingly impossible task. When asked why they are doing it, their inevitable reply is the appropriately laconic “for the lulz.” Reason exploits have seen them running across the world and carrying horses. It is said the Leonidas and the 300 were Lulz Spartans who stayed at Thermopylae for the lulz rather than law and rumoured that lulz is the reason for the enslvament of the helots.
Spartan Manoeuvres
Not, as it may appear, a reference to Spartan army training. Perhaps inevitably among men, Sparta’s institutional militarism has caused Alexander’s army to wonder what Spartan women do when their menfolk are away. Look after their family? Manage their property? Whatever they want (enjoying as they do far more rights than other Greek women)? No, according to Alexander’s men, the answer is engage in lesbian sex. ‘Spartan maneouvres’, therefore, is a euphemism for this.
Thaïs of Athens
Hetaira. Companion of Ptolemy. The essential facts about Thaïs are these: She is beautiful, bloody clever, sexy and a pyromaniac. Therefore, don’t tell her she’s wrong or that her bum is too big if you want a home to go back to. Thaïs is also a proto-feminist, keen amateur historian and camp observer.
Thaïs has her own Twitter page: @PtolemysRHG.
Theban Opportunities
A euphemistic reference to homosexual sex, derived from the fame of the Sacred Band of Thebes - the 300 male lovers who fought as an elite troop within the Theban army before being wiped out by Philip II in the Battle of Chaeronaea in 338BC. Philip was so impressed by the Sacred Band’s bravery that he had a statue constructed to their honour. It still stands today. It is said that the Sacred Band was formed because it was believed that lovers would fight more fiercely for one another.
Thirty Seconds to Persia
Hephaestion’s ‘band’. He sings lead vocals while Amyntas of the Lyre and Amyntas of the Drums play those particular instruments. Details of 30 Seconds to Persia’s songlist are not clear but the known songs are amusingly similar to those of modern rock band ’30 Seconds to Mars’. It is unlikely that Hephaestion shares Mr. Jared Leto’s dislike of war, however.
Union of Macedonian Mothers (UMM)
The Mafia doesn’t exist in Alexander’s day, but if it did, it would stand no chance against the UMM. The Union of Macedonian Mothers is comprised of all the mothers who follow Alexander and his army in the baggage train. They are a hard bitten band of young and old mothers who rule over their families with wills of iron. The UMM hate Ptolemy, perhaps not unreasonably as he was responsible for getting their children stoned twice, albeit the second was an accident.
Wine
What Alexander and Ptolemy drink rather too much of.
Zeus-Ammon
Alexander’s real father, and don’t let anyone tell you different.
