The King’s Speech
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| A 600 year old Egyptian cat |
From Alexander to his soldiers, greetings.
I am delighted to be writing my second column to you. As I write, Antigonus’ Monophthalmus’ leaving party is two days old and still in full flow. I, however, have stayed off the wine for the last hour to make sure that what I write to you makes some sort of sense. Let’s see how it goes.
Before I continue, however, allow me to pay tribute to old one-eye as he prepares to set off for Phrygia. He has governed my province well these last two years and I am sure he will do so for many years to come.
If he doesn’t, you can be sure that I will have him executed.
Let’s leave Antigonus with that happy thought and move onto another subject: Egyptian cats; specifically, my Egyptian cat. As you know, I am a god. This was confirmed by a recognised oracular source not some fly-by-night charlatan. Therefore, whatever I tell you, goes. If the truth be told (and if I tell it, it would because I am a god), whatever I said went even before my visit to Siwa, but now that my divinity has been recognised, it goes even more so.
Anyway, back to my cat. It has come to my attention that word is going round that she has bewitched me, that Darius III is using her to control me, that every Macedonian will one day be forced to wear trousers because of her.
I would like to assure you, that none of the above is true. My moggie is divine, yes, but those of you who know their religion (this of you that don’t, see below) will know that the male divinities are always senior to the female.
Having said that, it would be true to say that if the cat is sleeping across my bed when I retire, I sleep on the floor, and that when she demands food, I give it, but in this, she is just like every other cat in the known world, and probably beyond. I dare anyone to say otherwise; if you do, you are a dog lover.
And for those of you who put ‘wife’ or your favourite prostitute’s name in the recent survey regarding favourite pets, I mean the above literally. My point is made, I trust you see it, now go and get drunk, and try not to kill your friends.
Alexander
Drachma Catechism by Aristander
There is no better, indeed no other, way to make sense of this capricious world we live in than through religion. Sadly, many men failed to pay attention to their nurses or teachers when young, and so entered adulthood strong in body but weak in understanding. At the king’s request, I have put together a simple catechism for you.
1. Who Made You?
Prometheus made me.
2. Why did Prometheus make me?
Because Zeus told him to.
3. To whose image and likeness did Prometheus make you?
Prometheus made me to the image and likeness of the gods of Olympus, that is to say, Zeus et al, not the Giants/Titans et al. They are evil.
4. Is this likeness to Zeus et al in your body, or in your soul?
This likeness to Zeus et al is in my body and in my soul; in the case of the former, this does not include when the gods take on animal form; I have never been a goat, whatever my friends tell me after a night out.
5. How is your soul like to Zeus et al?
It is immortal.
6. What do you mean when you say that your soul is immortal?
When I say that my soul is immortal, I mean that my soul can never die.
7. Of which must you take more care, of your body or of your soul?
I must take more care of my body so that I may drink, and my soul so that hubris does not overtake me, Nemesis not kill me, and my relatives not bury me.
8. What must you do to ensure you are buried at death?
To ensure that I am buried at death, I must worship the king and be loyal; that is, I must follow his orders, I must hope in him, and I must love him, and the gods, with my whole heart. And sacrifice to them as they like that.
9. What is faith?
Faith is nothing next to fate.
10. Why must you believe whatever the gods tell you?
I must believe whatever the gods have revealed because they are very powerful and can doom my ghost to wander the earth in perpetuity if I don’t.
To Be Continued.
The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. The Histories Herodotus (up one place)
4. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (down one place)
5. Anabasis Xenophon (no change)
‘Homer’ will be appearing at the Mobile Bookshop on Wednesday next week to sign copies of The Iliad for Children (Ptollers, Babylon, Alexander’s 5th Regnal Year). Queues are expected, so come early to avoid disappointment; no weapons allowed in store. This applies to adults AND children.
GOD OF THE WEEK
Who is he? Poseidon
What is he god of? The sea
Relevance to Macedonians? Alexander prayed to him before the battle at Issus and sacrificed four horses and a chariot to him
How sharp is his trident? The close you get to a water source, the sharper it becomes
Any grounds not to take him seriously? He is the second deity of Athens.
Recommended Prayer (never known to fail):
O Lord Poseidon, master of the sea,
Please take care of my brothers and me,
So that when we come to journey home,
Our ship may speed over your sacred foam.
There are lots of other peoples in the world. What can we learn from them?
Romans: Nothing
Persians: Proskynesis (Is this right? - Ed) (Alexander wanted it put in - Dept. Ed) (O_O - Ed)
Israelites: How not to cross the desert fast
Persians: How to grow rich
Egyptians: How to pull brains out of nostrils
Hyksos: How crime pays (for four generations, anyway)
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M The Macedonian Network
Join up now so that the king can access all your personal details without having to torture you.
The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Will be having a cake and slave sell after the morning sacrifices on Sunday. Worshippers are encouraged to purchase either or both. The king will not be responsible for what the good mothers will do if they don’t.
Pork Chop Soc
Will be debating the division of land in Elysium. Do the good guys get everything or do the strongest? Or what? Come and discuss theology, imperialism, and what happens if you kill someone in the afterlife - all over fine wine and cheap food (it’s about priorities).
The Euridikeans
Sexy Euridike has asked Camp Notices to make it clear that she will not be holding a meeting on ‘How to be clever and sexy at the same time‘; this is a ‘vile’ rumour put about by some drunk men after a night out in one of the You Know Wheres. The group will, however, be holding a women-only discussion on ‘How many men will dress up as women to try and sneak into this meeting’. Good to see she hasn’t lost her sense of irony in all that cleverness. My bet is on 8 - Ed.
Harder, Faster, Better, Lacedaemonian
DAFT SPARTAN are returning with a show based on the “Beats N Whistle Mania” edition of Rome: Total War Bastard. Book your tickets from Macedon’s very own MC, Parmenion NOW.
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| Just some of the helmets Daft Spartan wear when on stage |
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In Remembrance
On Monday there will be a poetry competition in honour of brave Menander who succumbed last week to injuries sustained in the battle at Gaugamela. As is well known, Menander suffered in both mind as well as body following that glorious day, and his last weeks were a time of severe trial for him and his wife and friends. In Elysium, the shadow that haunted those days is stripped away and he is the man that he was before: loyal, kind, and full of love; at peace and eager to be reunited with his family and brothers.
Farewell Menander, one day we will all walk again in the light of the blessed, and it will be a good day.
by his friend Amyntas.
Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
Wise Words
“Let no one untrained in drinking enter.“
Anonymous; sign above the entrance to the Pella Wine Tent
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas
Wise Words
“Let no one untrained in drinking enter.“
Anonymous; sign above the entrance to the Pella Wine Tent
