The Second Achilles

1. By order of the king, the Egyptian Cat is permitted to sleep wherever in Babylon that she wants, excluding the temple.

2. The Secretary of the Pork Chop Soc’ wishes to inform members that their subs are due this week. He advises that if these are not paid on time offenders’ names will be entered into the register of Friends of the Athenian Hegemony. He adds, “Ha ha.”

3. Craterus writes: “It has come to my attention that drunk Macedonians have been tying rope around their waists and hanging themselves from the walls of the hanging gardens. This is not funny and in fact disrespectful to the legend of Queen Semiramis. As well as the flowers contained within the garden. If I catch anyone engaged in this ‘sport’, I will hang them from their necks and see how they like that.”

4. Reports that Cambyses’ Army has recently single-handedly fought and beaten a Bactrian army remain unconfirmed but is being investigated.

5. Parmenion will be comparing a night of drum ‘n’ lyre music in the Pella Wine Tent this weekend. He promises ‘breakneck beats, macho strokes and vicious voices’ from the finest musicians in Babylon.

6. Spears and Arrows is pleased to announce that it is sponsoring a series of talks on the development of modern weaponry. All lectures will be given by Eumenes of Thrace:
Lecture One: Sticks and Stones: On Primitive Weaponry
Lecture Two: Cop That: The Rise of Bronze
Lecture Three: Any Old Iron: The New Way, Or The Dead Way
Lecture Four: Many Points, One Conclusion: King Philip and the Sarissa

Lecture One takes place on Thursday in the royal palace courtyard. Lecture Four will take place wherever the current king is not.

7. We will be receiving a delegation from the land of Judea this week. The Israelites have odd religious views, being believers in a single god, but have a right to courtesy nonetheless. Make sure you provide it.

8. If you are approached by anyone who says that they can show you how to get rich by drinking, please ignore or kill them: THIS IS A SCAM. All that will happen is that you will get drunk and they will steal your money. The king recognises that it is hard for Macedonians to resist an excuse to drink, especially if it involves money, but in this case, it should be done.

9. We welcome to the world, Amyntas son of Amyntas. Amyntas Sr is a Third Row Phalangist. We caught up with him to see what being a new father is like.
Camp Notices: So, Amyntas, congratulations. What is it like being a father?
Amyntas Sr: It is hard to say, I am still celebrating! Last night I f***ed the most amazing Babylonian whore!
Camp Notices: Er… how do you think fatherhood will change your life?
Amyntas Sr: I will certainly drink harder and fight harder from now on. Not that I wasn’t doing so before, but I want my boy to be proud of me.
Camp Notices: And what of your wife, how is she?
Amyntas Sr: Who? Oh, she’s fine. Can’t wait to f*** her again.
Camp Notices: It seems that fatherhood has not changed you at all, unless it is to make you even more vulgar.
Amyntas Sr. I resent that. I slept with that whore last week as well.
Camp Notices: Hmm.
Editor’s Comment: It seems Macedonians have a little way to go before they can be called refined.

10. Win 1 Talent! The person to pin the spear on Pausanias while blind folded closest to the spot where he was stabbed to death after assassinating King Philip gets the money. The competition will be held in the Pella Wine Tent tomorrow.

Thought for the Week:
“I can’t think without a flagon of wine in my hand.”
(Plato - attributed)

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1. Alexander writes: “On behalf of all Macedonians, I would like to thank Mazaeus and all involved for the wonderful entrance that we had into Babylon. I had, of course, full confidence that the city would open its gates to me and that the people would come out as friends - so it proved. In return, all Macedonians will treat all Babylonians with full respect. Don’t push us, though, we - and you - would not like that.”
2. Mazaeus writes: “Welcome to Babylon, Macedonians! We are delighted to welcome you and your all-powerful, all conquering GOD-KING! Where there is a shop, may you buy; where there is a Babylonian, may you not stab him to death on a whim; where there is Ahura Mazda, just look on him as another Zeus. Please, enjoy your stay, and when the time comes, leave our city as you found it!”
3. The courtyard of the Royal Palace has been designated the Lost and Found zone for any children and adults who go missing in the city (or Royal Palace itself, Ptolemy).
4. Due to popular demand, Game of Wine will extend its current run at the Pella Theatre tent until further notice. To celebrate this, a free amphora of wine will be given to the first fifty people in the queue at each performance for the next week.
5. The Debating Society meets every Monday. This week’s topic will be: “This tent believes Pericles’ funeral oration would have been better had he given it while drunk.”
6. “Want to discuss borders and boundaries? Then join the Pork Chop Soc. Enjoy fresh meat, good wine, and an ongoing discussion on how to carve up the world. The PCS will meet every Wednesday in the Aegae Wine Tent. See Amyntas son of Amyntas for further details.”
7. By order of Black (Gold) Cleitus, free time off will be given to anyone who watched the Europa GP on their Linear bPad. Cleitus says, “Most people who watched that race will bemoan the fact that it cost them 90 minutes that they will never get back. In proof of how powerful he is, Alexander is giving you Macedonians that very time back.”
8. Ptolemy writes: “Want to found a dynasty? Go to the Pella Wine Tent on Friday night for a talk on the key steps to do so. By way of a teaser: 1. Claim divine descent (Remember, though, to pick your god wisely; we will discuss who the best options are) 2. Kill all your enemies (we’ll explore the many and varied ways in which this can be done) 3. Take a few wives and be prepared for a few late nights!
9. Guided tours to the rivers of Babylon are available but unless you can swim please watch your step and try not to fall in.

(Thank you Antigonus Monophthalmus)

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