Muscular Macedonians

The Triumph of Friendship over Wealth

Posted on January 21, 2014 by M J Mann

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Date 333 BC Place Cydnus River, Asia Minor
Bad Medicine Is What I Need
Philip of Arcanania

Alexander the Great Rescued from the River Cydnus (Pietro Testa)

Alexander the Great Rescued from the River Cydnus (Pietro Testa). Source: see below

Alexander Falls Ill
It isn’t often that a man gets to show how hard he is in a - ahem - bed chamber, but in the summer of 333 B.C. Philip of Arcanania was given the opportunity and was not found wanting.
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This is how it happened. Alexander took ill after going for a bathe in the Cydnus River. His condition was so bad his doctors wouldn’t treat him in case he died and they got the blame for it. For ‘blame’ read ‘executed’.
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Cometh the hour, cometh the bad ass. Philip had been Alexander’s doctor since the latter’s youth. If the king is going to die, he told himself, I am going down with him. We hear a lot in the news these days about how wonderful the NHS in Britain and ‘Obamacare’ in America are but let’s be honest no British or American doctor would guarantee the success of their treatment with their own life.
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J’Accuse
While Philip was off making the potion, Alexander received a letter from Parmenion. In it, his second-in-command warned that Philip had been bribed by Darius and intended to kill him.
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According to Curtius, Alexander debated with himself whether to accept Philip’s treatment or not. After much thought, he decided he would do so. ‘Better to be killed by someone else’s crime than my own fear’ (Curtius). That’s so Alexander it makes me wonder if he was really ill at all.
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Alexander told no one about the letter. Instead, he sealed it and hid it under his pillow. Philip took two days to finish making his draught. Upon entering Alexander’s bed chamber, he handed it over. In return, Alexander gave him the letter and asked him to read it.
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The Moment of Truth
The king drank the draught ‘with confidence’ (Curtius). Philip’s reaction to Parmenion’s letter, however, depends on which source you read. Curtius says that the physician ‘demonstrated more outrage than fear’. Plutarch says it was a scene worthy of the stage - Alexander serenly drinking the cup while Philip, upon reading the letter, ‘was filled with surprise and alarm’. Significantly, however, the physician was not deflected from his course, and he implored Alexander ‘to take courage and follow his advice’ (Plutarch). Arrian says that Philip simply read the letter and, without alarm, told the king to carry on following his instructions.
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Which ever way you look at it, Philip behaved with commendable strength. Here he was, being stitched up - see below - by the second most powerful man in the Macedonian army and, even in Plutarch’s account, he stood still, stood tall, held firm and held fast. Next time you watch a medical drama on TV and see all the doctors and nurses running around like headless chickens wondering what to do about someone’s broken finger, remember Philip.
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As it happens, the danger wasn’t over yet. Plutarch and Curtius both report that after taking Philip’s medicine, Alexander fell ill again. Curtius says his ‘breathing became intermittent and difficult’. Plutarch tells us that Alexander ‘fell into a swoon and displayed scarcely any sign of sense or of life’.

  • Did Philip panic?
  • Did Philip run away?
  • Did Philip kill himself in fear and shame?

No, of course not, and shame on you if you think he did any of the above. What Philip actually did was stick to his job and carry on treating the king. Soon, Alexander recovered and proved that he was back to his best by giving Darius a well deserved pasting at the Battle of the Issus River a few months later. What a man.
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Epilogue
There is something very suspect about Parmenion’s rôle in this affair. It may just be me but when I consider what Parmenion had to gain by Alexander’s death - as the king’s second-in-command he had a more than reasonable chance of taking the throne in the event of Alexander’s dying without an heir - his bad mouthing of the one doctor who was willing to help the king looks to me like an attempted coup. It was the perfect plan, after all: if Alexander didn’t die, Parmenion could just blame his ‘source’ for providing bad information. We don’t hear anything about who told Parmenion that Philip was going to poison Alexander after the event so I imagine that that is exactly what happened and he got away with it.
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Rating of Hard 8/10
For Philip set himself the target of healing Alexander with primitive medicine knowing that if he failed, he would probably die himself; he kept his head after reading Parmenion’s letter
Against As Alexander’s friend even if the king had died would the other generals really have turned against him? Philip was at Medius’ party and probably helped the king then. We don’t know what happened to him thereafter but if he had been executed for failing to save Alexander’s life, I think one of the sources would have mentioned it.
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Picture Source The Daily Beast. Testa’s painting can be found at the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art

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Timocleia of Thebes’ Revenge

Posted on December 13, 2013 by M J Mann

Celebrating the deeds of the ancient Macedonians Greeks - the hardest (wo)men to walk the earth

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Date 335 BC Place Thebes
All’s Well That Ends Well
Timocleia of Thebes

Timocleia of Thebes

Timocleia of Thebes (Wikipedia)

In the first blog post in this series we looked at how Perdiccas single handedly invaded Thebes in 335 BC, and it is to that city that we now return.
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Perdiccas’ one-man invasion was quickly followed up by Alexander and the Macedonian army. Plutarch reports that the Thebans ‘fought with a superhuman courage and spirit’ but were ultimately defeated.
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Once the fighting was over, Alexander allowed the city to be sacked. He was determined to make an example of Thebes so as to dissuade other Greek cities from rising up against him.
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As the Macedonians set about stripping Thebes of her valuables, a group of Thracian soldiers serving in Alexander’s army broke into the home of a noblewoman named Timocleia. The leader of the party gave her home to his men, and took Timocleia for himself. He raped her.
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Now, while it would be true to say that even wicked men are capable of showing mercy, the Thracian captain showed by his actions on this day that the quality of his was low to non-existent. Having forced himself upon Timocleia he demanded to know whether she had hidden any of her gold or silver.
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Given what had just happened to her, Timocleia could have been forgiven for telling the captain everything in order to get him and his men out of her house. Instead, she responded with great cunning.
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Thus, she did not give way but led the way and - while her home was still being looted and her children menaced - Timocleia took the captain to a well. When you stormed the city, she told him, I threw everything down there.
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The captain approached the well and peered into its depths to see if she was telling the truth. He would soon have a much closer view, for as he looked, Timocleia approached him from behind and with an almighty shove, threw him into the well.
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We don’t know what the relative size of the Thracian captain and Timocleia was but given that men are generally bigger than women, and the fact that she would have lost a great deal of strength in trying to resist his assault, Timocleia must have been forced to use all her energy to make sure the captain went over.
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All her energy? Not quite. Having succeeded in trapping the captain, Timocleia then proceeded to stone him to death with rocks lying about the garden.
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Too late to save their leader, the Thracian soldiers realised what had happened. Interestingly, they did not kill Timocleia on the spot, but bound and led her away to Alexander for judgement. Despite what the captain had done, they must have thought that he would punish her. I fear this tells us something rather depressing about how rape was regarded as a legitimate tool of oppression in antiquity.
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As for Timocleia, was she acting on adrenaline when she killed the Thracian captain? i.e. not on her real strength. Maybe, but as I doubt that she would have been presented to Alexander until at least a little time after the assault had taken place, I am inclined to say that she was able to do what she did out of true toughness.

Timocleia and Alexander

Timocleia and Alexander (Wikipedia)

I say this because Plutarch says that when Alexander met her, he found her in a calm state of mind and with a ‘fearless bearing’. That fearlessness led Timocleia to stand up to the enemy king with great pride. Instead of begging for mercy, she proudly told him her name and the fact that her brother had fought against him at the Battle of Chaeronea.
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There were two ways to Alexander’s heart. One was to be called Hephaestion. The other was to fight bravely against him. Or, as in Timocleia’s case, in defence of oneself. Plutarch says that he was ‘filled with admiration’ for her defiant words and the way she had revenged herself upon the Thracian captain, and ordered the release of her and her children.
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What Timocleia went through should not be suffered by anyone but it also secured her future. After Thebes was plundered and razed, Alexander ordered the population to be sold into slavery. Plutarch notes that a few people were spared this fate but does not include the nobility as a class in their number. Had the Thracian soldiers not come to her home that day, Timocleia might have been separated from her children and forced into a very cruel form of service for the rest of her days. Fate may be serrated but she also cuts both ways.
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Rating of Hard 10/10
Pro Timocleia acted with great strength, intelligence and nobility in the serve of her honour
Against Unless we say that two wrongs don’t make a right I don’t think Timocleia put a foot wrong. I reject the ‘two-wrongs’ argument because we are talking about acts of hardness in this post not morally good ones

Categories: Muscular Macedonians | Tags: , | 5 Comments

Neoptolemus vs Eumenes - To The Death

Posted on November 20, 2013 by M J Mann

Celebrating the Deeds of the Ancient Macedonians - the hardest men to walk the earth.

WARNING: This blog accepts no responsibility for any faintness felt by women or children who read this highly masculine post.

For other posts in this series click here. If you dare.

Date 320 BC Place Border of Asia Minor/Cappadocia
Mano a Mano
Neoptolemus vs Eumenes

"Hector Admonishes Paris for His Softness and Exhorts Him to Go to War by J.H.W. Tischbein (1751–1828)" - Brilliant description on Wikipedia

“Hector Admonishes Paris for His Softness and Exhorts Him to Go to War by J.H.W. Tischbein (1751–1828)” - Brilliant description on Wikipedia

There’s nothing I like better than compiling lists. Especially if it is a list of top ten masculine activities. As it happens, every time I write one of those ‘taking part in a battle’ comes out near the top. For the avoidance of doubt, I don’t mean any kind of battle, for there are some that are frankly not worthy of the name. A case in point are the drone strikes that America is currently using as part of its ‘War on Terror’ against sundry Islamist terrorist suspects. If there is a more effete way to wage a war against one’s enemies, I do not yet know it. The problem with the drone strikes is not only that they do not give the enemy a fair chance to fight back but that the American combatant doesn’t even have the decency to control his drone from anywhere near the target but instead does so from thousands and thousands of miles away in a control centre that is very likely air conditioned as well. This is a beastly way of fighting and no one will ever convince me otherwise.
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You will deduce from the above that my ideal battle is one in which the combatants are on the same battlefield. Ideally, they should have the same or similar weaponry and equipment and the same opportunity to attack their enemy. A perfect example of this kind of battle is the duel that Neoptolemus and Eumenes fought against one another in 320 BC when the latter’s army fought Craterus’ somewhere on the border of Asia Minor and Cappadocia.
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Our source for this confrontation is Plutarch and his Life of Eumenes. He tells how Eumenes and Neoptolemus

… had long nursed a mutual hatred and were now enraged towards each other… [recognising] each other [they] immediately galloped towards one another with swords drawn, screaming. Their horses smashed into each other, like triremes ramming, and letting go of the reins they clutched at each other, trying to tear off the other’s helmet and to rip the breast-plate from his shoulders. As they struggled, their horses bolted from under them and they were pitched to the ground.

Mutual hatred, galloping horses smashing into each like triremes - what a powerful image! - clutching and tearing. I can just feel the strength and desperation. It’s great stuff. By the way, we don’t know why Neoptolemus and Eumenes hated each other and frankly I don’t care. Knowing would only induce unwelcome feelings of sympathy, sadness and other such feminine emotions, all of which would get in the way of my appreciation of the duel.
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Ah, the duel. No armies to hide behind, no unequal weapons. Just rage, fear, desire, and absolute determination to be the victor. Can it get more masculine? I think I need to lie down.
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But no, let’s continue. You might have thought that having been violently dismounted from their horses, Eumenes and Neoptolemus might have been too winded to continue. Shame on you if so. No sooner had they fallen, than…

[i]mmediately they fell upon each other once again and set to grappling and wrestling. Then, as Neoptolemus tried to get up first, Eumenes stabbed him behind the knee…

At this point Neoptolemus could be forgiven for surrendering. As well as being bruised and battered and now crippled he would certainly by now have been very tired as well. But these Macedonians - they just did not give up, even if, like Eumenes, they had very little experience as a general. And so…

Neoptolemus, incapacitated in one knee and supporting himself on the other, continued to put up strong resistance… until, after sustaining many more minor wounds, he was finally struck in the neck and fell to the ground, where he lay prone.

Thinking that his enemy was finally dead, Eumenes inserted himself into the epic drama of the Iliad and started stripping Neoptolemus of his armour. But in the best story telling tradition, there was a twist in the tale. Neoptolemus was still alive. As Eumenes spat insults at his foe, Neoptolemus managed to wrap his fingers round his sword and stab Eumenes in the chest.
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Did he kill him? No. Fortunately for Eumenes, the gods were on his side that day. Neoptolemus’ blow was too weak. Plutarch says it shocked more than hurt the Cardian. After recovering himself, Eumenes probably administered the coup de grâce before finishing stripping Neoptolemus’ body and making his escape.
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Where do you think he went? Plutarch tells us that Eumenes ‘was suffering grievously from gashes on his thighs and arms’ so to the infirmary would have made for a good answer. But not the right one. Of course not. Rather than seek help, Eumenes ‘mounted his horse and set off at speed for the other wing’ where he thought that Craterus’ army was still holding strong.
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Being hard is not just about being tough in battle. It’s also about being man enough to respect your enemies - giving them an equal chance in battle, and dignity if you achieve victory. Eumenes failed Neoptolemus in the latter respect but came good when he learnt that Craterus had died. He turned away from the fighting, and went to his old friend’s side. Once there, he discovered that his foe was still alive. This didn’t change the way he approached him, though, and he

… poured out words of pity both for Craterus and his fate and for himself and the necessity which had driven him into conflict with a friend and comrade in which he must kill or be killed.

Rating of Hard 8.5/10
Pro: Neither Eumenes or Neoptolemus shirked any aspect of their duel. Once they caught sight of one another, it was a fight to the death.
Against: Their hatred for each other (Eumenes continued to insult Neoptolemus when he was with Craterus) meant they could not fight with total honour and heroism

Categories: Muscular Macedonians | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

300

Posted on November 8, 2013 by M J Mann

Celebrating the hardest men ever to live - Alexander’s Macedonians
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You can find more acts of hardness here

via coolfunpics.com

via coolfunpics.com

Date Spring 327 BC Place The Rock of Sogdiana
Rock Hard
The Men Who Scaled the Sogdian Rock

The Deal
Tell me, AOS, tell me about the 300; no, not that 300 - I mean the three hundred Macedonians who scaled the Sogdian Rock, and captured an impregnable position with nothing more than tent-pegs and linen. Compared to that, defending Thermopylae was a playground exercise.
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Reader, you are wise beyond your years. it would be a pleasure to tell you about the hardest 300 who ever lived.
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In the Spring of 327, Alexander learnt that ‘a large number’ of Sogdians had taken refuge on top of the Rock of Sogdiana (AKA the Rock of Ariamazes). Among their number were the wife and daughters of the chieftain Oxyartes. Arrian tells us that the Rock was sheer on every side, that the refugees had stockpiled food in anticipation of a long siege, and that ‘deep snow on the summit’ meant that they had an unlimited supply of water.
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Alexander wanted to take the rock - it was the Sogdians last stronghold against him; if it fell, he knew that his enemies would have nowhere else to run. And yet… it was supposed to be impregnable and the Sogdians were well dug in… what to do?
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As it happens, Alexander’s first response was to offer the Sogdians the chance to surrender. Soft, I know, but he did it. Happily, they responded with contemptuous laughter and a challenge, Find soldiers with wings to capture the Rock for you! they cried. And guess, what; Alexander did.
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Alexander gathered his men together and told them that he would give twelve talents to the first man who scaled the Rock’s sheer cliff face, eleven to the second, ten to the third and so on. Three hundred experienced climbers in the army took up the challenge.
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Climbing Into History
The assault began. When picturing the 300 scaling the cliff you can forget about the modern day specialist equipment that makes rock climbing as safe as can be. These men had little more than tent pegs and flaxen lines. Up they went; foot by dangerous foot, up the ‘steepest part of the rock-face’. Admittedly, this was not because of their inveterate hardness, but because they knew that at the top it would be the least well guarded. In mitigation, however, it was night time.
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Night wore on and the three hundred men climbed higher and higher. Thirty died during the course of the ascent. Their bodies were never recovered. Given how tough they were in life, though, they probably took a perverse pleasure at this in death.
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Finally, as dawn broke, the 270 survivors began hauling themselves over the top of the cliff. Curtius tells us that the Sogdian Rock was 18,000 feet high. I say, ‘Sit down, Curtius, and consider what you’ve just said there; the Macedonians’ achievement was good enough without you exaggerating it’.
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Once at the top, the next step was to let Alexander know that the climb had been successful. The climbers waved pieces of linen cloth proudly at the army below.
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With all the pride of a new father, Alexander ordered a crier to tell the Sogdians what had happened. Their response was pretty much the ancient equivalent of WT Living F??? Arrian says that that the sight of the soldiers was a ‘severe shock to the natives’ (my emphasis) And not only because there were Macedonians with wings but also because they thought that a much larger force had climbed to the summit.
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And They Lived Happily…
Defeated by 270 of the hardest Macedonian souls and the apparent evidence of their eyes, the Sogdians promptly surrendered to Alexander.
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As the Sogdians made their way down from the Rock, one person among them stood out in spectacular fashion. Oxyartes’ daughter, Roxane. According to Arrian, the Macedonians regarded her as the most beautiful woman they had seen in all of Asia with only the exception of Darius III’s wife. Roxane caught Alexander’s eye as well, and in due course, they married. When Alexander died in 323, Roxane was pregnant with his only legitimate child - Alexander IV.
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But enough of women and pregnancies, this post is about the three hundred hard bastards who dared to scale the impossible rock and almost to a man did so. No safety + No hope = Maximum Hardness.
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Rating of Hard 9/10
Pro: They were climbing an unclimbable rock
Against: They did it for money, and as can be seen in the picture above that is a woman climbing; if a woman can rock climb, how hard can it actually be???

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Perdiccas Storms Thebes

Posted on September 8, 2013 by M J Mann

Celebrating the tough deeds of the tough men who once ruled the world.
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You can read about more acts of hardness here

Even without arms this Spartan could stab you to death

Even without arms this Spartan could take you down

Date 335 BC Place Thebes
The One Man Phalanx
PERDICCAS

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The Background
Alexander was now king of Macedon. Next on his list was to be elected Hegemon of Greece. Persuaded by his campaign promises (AKA The Macedonian army) the Greeks duly voted him to the leadership of both the League of Corinth and the Amphictyonic League.
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With the poleis dealt with, Alexander went north to pacify the troublesome tribes on his northern border. He was still in Thrace when he heard that Thebes had, rather stupidly, revolted. A fast march to the Boeotian city followed.
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Alexander of Macedon is one of the hardest men who ever lived. If there was ever a fight to be had, he was there to have it. We must give him his due, though; when he arrived at Thebes he didn’t get stuck into the Thebans straight away. No, he parked his army outside the city and the cadmeia (a citadel, where a Macedonian garrison was trapped behind two palisades and sundry Theban soldiers), and tried to reach a peaceful settlement with them first.
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Don’t mistake this for softness; Alexander wanted to save his men for the bigger and better fight-to-come agains the Persian army.
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Unfortunately for the Thebans, their leaders refused to surrender. What kind of idiots were they? Anti-Alexandrian ones, that’s what. But enough of them, it’s time to turn to Perdiccas and his act of conspicuous hardness.

Alexander on horseback

Alexander on horseback

Army? Where I come from, I don’t need an army
While Alexander was still deciding what to do next, Perdiccas decided he had had enough of waiting for the action to begin. He walked out of his tent, and took a good long look at the palisades ahead of him.
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It couldn’t have been nice to see the sharpened stakes rising claw-like out of the ground, and the gleaming armour behind them; well, if Perdiccas had given a fig, that is, but he was Macedonian. Where you and I would see impossibility, he saw a challenge; so he considered his options. Would he,

  • Lure the troops out from behind their stakes where his battalion could more easily fight them on open ground?
  • Soften the Thebans up with a volley of missiles before marching forward?
  • Simply strap on his armour, grasp his spear and shield, and charge forward himself?

Guess what, he took the third.
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Without waiting to ask Alexander’s permission for his attack, because that would have been far too sensible, Perdiccas called his men together and charged forward. What a sight it must have been for the Thebans, seeing several hundred Macedonian soldiers bear down on them. But surely the palisade will stop these lunatics long enough for us to cut them down with sword, spear and arrow?
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Er, no.
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Perdiccas and his men ran into the palisade and forced their way through it before falling on the defenders. Behind him, Amyntas son of Andromenes saw what was happening and decided that he wanted some of the action, so he came up behind Perdiccas with his own men to give additional support. I daresay Perdiccas would have told him to bugger off had he been able to, but he was too busy liberating limbs from bodies and dealing death to any Theban stupid enough to come close to him.
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By now, Alexander had been alerted to what was going on. Determined not to let Perdiccas get trapped behind the Thebans’ lines he ordered his archers and Agrianes forward. Meanwhile, Perdiccas had successfully slashed and stabbed his way to the second palisade; it was here that he got himself so seriously injured that after he was brought back to the Macedonian camp it was touch-and-go as to whether the doctors would be able to save him.
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But not only did Perdiccas survive his one man assault of Thebes, he survived the whole of Alexander’s expedition. Indeed, when he was finally killed, it wasn’t an enemy sword or spear that got him but traitors in his own camp. Bastards.
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Devil’s Advocate
My main source for this post is Arrian; and his principle source was Ptolemy who, in the wars following Alexander’s death, would be Perdiccas’ implacable enemy. He may even had a hand in Perdiccas’ assassination. Either way, he certainly had no interest in portraying Perdiccas in a positive light* but as an impetuous, arrogant and maverick general whose actions compromised as much as helped Alexander.
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Also, Diodorus says that Perdiccas attacked the Theban palisade on Alexander’s orders which, if true, reduces the manliness of his action substantially as it introduces elements of organisation, planning, and sensible behaviour into the equation.
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Rating of Hard: 8/10
Pro: Acting without orders, high chance of failure, survived serious injury
Contra: Had back-up, wore armour, withdrew from field due to injury
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* J. R. Hamilton, in his introduction to my edition of Arrian (Penguin Classics, 1971), refers to Ptolemy’s ‘apparent systematic denigration of Perdiccas

Categories: Muscular Macedonians | Tags: , | 3 Comments

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