Monthly Archives: October 2012

The King’s Speech
To the allies of Macedon

Together, we crossed the Hellespont to take revenge on Darius III for Persian atrocities visited upon the Greek poleis. In three major battles, we took it. But war was not enough; for our revenge to be complete, we had to take Persia’s three major cities - Babylon, Susa and Persepolis - and thus, the empire. Yet, that too, we did. Now, having entered Ecbatana, we have taken the summer residence of the Persian kings. Our revenge is not only complete but gilded it as well.

This begs the question: what next? For me the answer is clear: pursuit of Darius. There can be only one King of Asia and I will not permit another to live in defiance of me. For you, however, it may be different. Your work is done; if you wish to return to Greece, albeit with a heavy heart, I will release you.

Be assured, if you decide to return home, you will depart with your wages fully paid and a bonus added - and I assure you, it will be most generous one. More than that, you will leave with my blessing and a guard to ensure your safe passage.

If, however, you decide to re-enlist with my army, I promise that the bonus you receive for your loyalty will be substantially greater than that which those leaving received. It is only right that those who work hardest and longest are paid the most.

We will not be staying in Ecbatana for long so make your decision now: Return home rich, or stay with me, and not only win even greater wealth but glory as well.

Alexander
From the Archive
Codrus: The king whose favourite kind of sacrifice is himself

Athens was rocked today by an earthquake. The news that Codrus had tried to take the place of a prisoner who was about to executed for some crime or another in the mistaken belief that if he survived the Dorians would one day conquer Athens made no impact on anyone whatsoever as Athenians are used to Codrus’ acts of self sacrifice and, if they are being honest, it rather bores them.

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it behind schedule as she likes to do it slllooooow

Dear La etc etc

I get turned on by volcanoes. Is this normal?

Yours Who Loves to Rock and Be Rocked

Dear Rock,

There is nothing wrong with being aroused by an volcano - just as long as you remember that your wife / prostitute is only going to be interested in another kind of spurt.

Lady Ap etc etc

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. Appropriate Stories for Children

I have received the following correspondence.

Ptolemaios,
I have a son aged six and a daughter, 8. He is of a nervous disposition. I did not know this until I told him the story of Orestes and Elektra; now, he wonders about the house with a haunted look, worried that his sister will kill his mother and make the Erinyes come after him. Please could you publish this letter as a warning to other parents: be careful what tales you tell your children! The wrong ones could cause them great suffering!

[Redacted]

I am happy to publish this letter although not as a warning. The truth is, we live in a world where children need to grow up fast. Violence is an essential part of our world and so the earlier they are exposed to it the better. In my opinion, [Redacted] did the right thing in reading the Oresteia to his son. If it doesn’t kill him the story will almost certainly make him a strong fighter as an adult. It may also make him psychologically damaged as well but that isn’t my problem.

I like to practice what I preach, so if you would like to read some of my stories for children, visit my ‘Storify’ page here.

Ptolemy

The Big Question

Last week, 7 out of 10 Macedonians voted that they would rather be assailed by brigands than Alexander’s badass mother. This week’s competitor is a thunder bolt - the weapon of Zeus himself.

Why should you fear Olympias more than Zeus? Well, statistically speaking, the chances of being struck by lightening are a whole lot less than being given a tongue lashing and then murdered by the queen. If you don’t believe us, just ask Philip II [Are you sure this is appropriate for the Camp Notices? - Eumenes]

Camp Notices

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting on the next hemera heliou in Amyntas Africanus’ tent to continue their series looking at the Roman consuls. This week, Marcus Horatius Pulvillus comes under the candle light. Pulvillus was the third suffect of the newly established Roman Republic in the twenty-eighth year of Amyntas I (replacing Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus who died in office). He may also have served as Pontifex Maximus. Using this as his springboard, Amyntas Superbus will be asking the question, ‘Is religion politics, and politics religion?’

• Amyntas Africanus and Amyntas Superbus would like to thank Aristobulos for making a model of the Tarpeian Rock, complete with toy prisoners to throw off. The model will be auctioned at the meeting.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 8
A quiet meeting last week (and the cancellation of the WS Ultras’ pankration and wine competition) saw only four deaths as a result of drink-stabbing accidents. The club will be aiming to correct this at the next meeting on the next hemera selenes when it holds a special open-session for residents of Ecbatana, so that they might come and experience this little slice of Macedonian “culture”.

Wine and Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Areos, the WinPuSoc will be looking at being beaten to death and how one delivers the ‘kick that kills’ both literally and figuratively.

The League of Amazing Eunuchs
The LAE will be meeting in the Aegae Wine Tent on the next hemera Hermu to hear Bagoas give a talk about his namesake and fellow eunuch who became the vizier for Artaxerxes III (who reigned from the first to twenty-first regnal year of Philip II) before overthrowing him in favour of Darius III Codomannus.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Will be holding a special ‘goodbye’ party on the next hemera Dios for all the mothers whose husbands have decided to leave Alexander’s service. Donations to pay for the party and parting presents will be sought from all husbands; Cleopatra of the UMM knows you will all be generous. It goes without saying that she also knows where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
Next hemera Aphrodites the KkS will be holding a symposium on ‘The Beauty of Cacophony’. The meeting will take place in Ugly Amyntas’ tent but will also involve a walk to the Pella and Aegae Wine Tents to compare the levels of noise in each. Guests are asked not to stay behind and get drunk.

Pock Chop Soc
In the light of our arrival in Ecbatana the PCS will be meeting on the next hemera Khronu to discuss “Who was the greatest king: Croesus, Astyages, or Nebuchadnezzar II?”. Croesus had his wealth, Astyages brought stability, Nebuchadnezzar built the ‘hanging gardens’ of Babylon. They ruled in life together, but who, in death, had most impact upon the world before Cyrus the Great overthrew their empires?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“May all the gods whom I settled in their sacred centres ask daily of Bêl and Nâbu that my days be long and may they intercede for my welfare. … The people of Babylon blessed my kingship, and I settled all the lands in peaceful abodes.”

(Cyrus the Great)

Always pray for your ruler

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

The King’s Speech

Nobody enjoys an evening’s entertainment as much as I do. However, even I would draw the line at the antics of certain members of the Wine Sarissa Club, which I saw last night.

It is one thing to drink wine out of a hollowed out sarissa, but really quite another to do it when racing round the camp in a chariot. Especially when there are people on foot nearby - such as me.

This unfortunate entry in the WSC’s ever expanding repertoire of ways to die young is, no doubt, a consequence of the emergence of the Wine Sarissa ultras. I understand that next week, they intend to host a pankration and wine competition (see the society notices below). I look forward to it because I know that whatever happens deaths will be limited to those in the circle. I do not look forward to being nearly run over by drunk wine-drinking men in chariots.

This is what it means to be Macedonian - being reckless without being stupid; mad but not crazy, and - if you really don’t mind - being fast without running your king over. Failure to adhere to this third element of our identity will cause me to teach you what it means to be dead. Sarissans, you are warned; Sarissan ultras - I look forward to seeing blood and gore.

Thank you for your consideration.

Alexander

From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Athens is not in shock tonight after learning that King Codrus injured himself after jumping in front of a out-of-control camel to save the life of a kitten. It is believed that Codrus, a life long cat lover, acted in the belief that if the moggie died and he survived, Athens would be ruined in accordance with the Delphic Oracle’s prophecy.

The Delphic Comment was reached and made a comment; unfortunately, we have not been able to decipher it yet.

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

III. What to do if you forget your narrative

So, there you are, in the middle of the circle; two hundred eyes fixed upon you, one hundred souls hanging upon your every word; you speak slowly, looking each person in the eye as you do so; your voice quietens and your body tenses; the denouement is coming… is coming… coming…

Uh… what was it again?

Forgetting what happens next is a humiliating experience for a poet. It can also be a lethal one if the audience gets irate.

What can he do to avoid shame and being dead? This is an important question as the consequences of forgetting can not only be embarrassing but - assuming the poet is not killed - expensive, as he is forced to give his audience its money back.

The old advice (reputedly given by Homer, but I doubt that) is ‘if you forget your narrative just have someone get stabbed in the dark’, the idea being that by the time you have sung that scene you will have remembered what was supposed to happen and will be able to weave the stabbing into the story proper.

But what if you don’t remember?

What if your mind goes completely blank?

I personally recommend simply making the rest of the story up as you go along with any unresolved threads being used as the basis of a sequel. “But, Ptolemaios,” you are saying, “What if I am singing The Iliad? My audience will know what happens next even if I don’t. I can’t make that story up!”

To which I reply - Pirate Poets. Your audience know Homer’s Iliad. They do not know that version of the fight for Helen which exists in, oh, let’s say some obscure village in Asia Minor. But you do. Or rather, if you brazen it out enough, you will convince your audience that you do, and that is just the same.

If your audience accepts your word that what you just made up is a legitimate story, you are fine; however, it may want to see proof of this variation. That’s when you go to the pirate poets; when you do, simply tell them the story you told your audience, and they will run up a fake manuscript showing your version of it!

Once they see the MS, your audience will be so impressed at your depth of knowledge that you will probably be able to charge higher prices to sing for them in the future!

Tips

• Pirate poets can be found in or near all disreputable establishments. For us, that means the Pella Wine Tent.
• If the pirate poet threatens to expose you to your audience, kill him.
• Don’t use shark poets as they charge exorbitant amounts of money per word and then give you an MS that was written for someone else.

Ptolemy

The Good (Macedonian) Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who invented a position called the ziggurat

Dear Lady Aphrodite who does it in the vanguard with the officer class,

My wife has recently become obsessed with Hephaistos, and has taken to fondling her poker instead of mine, if you see what I mean. I am worried that she will try to brand me in my sleep. What can I do?

Yours,
Blaming Her Friendship with Thaïs of Athens

***

Dear Blaming,

The good news is that if your wife does brand you, slave chic is very popular in certain regions of Upper Macedon! But maybe that is not your thing. Well, if your wife insists on being Hephaistos, why don’t you be Aphrodite who was serially unfaithful to her partner? The girls and I in my tent are currently offering a two-for-one deal. How about it?

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite Who Never Misses An Opportunity

Camp Notices

Loot Soc
We are in possession of a splendid Persian couch with golden armrests that was handed into the society by an honest Macedonian this last week. Do you know to whom it might belong? Please contact Pillaging Amyntas if so.

The Wine Sarissa Club
Current Vacancies: 12
Tomorrow (the hemera heliou) funerals will be held for those brave and drunken men who died during our sarissa wine drinking race round the camp last night. Unfortunate deaths aside, a great time was had by all so this event will likely be repeated in the future.

• There is a rumour going round that we almost ran the king over. If this turns out to be true, and he hasn’t banned the club as a result, the next race may be held a little further away to avoid trouble and him.

NB: The hard core members of the Wine Sarissa Club are called the WS Ultras. This coming hemera selenes they will be holding a pankration and wine drinking competition through the night. The traditional format for this competition will be adhered to, i.e., one ten minute round of pankration followed by the downing of a krater of wine, followed by another ten minute round of pankration etc. Last man standing/alive wines. Sorry, wins.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
Cleopatra of the UMM will be debating with Alexander on the subject ‘Why Mothers Are Better Than Conquerors’ this coming hemera Areos in the AWT. In case you can’t make it, don’t worry about not knowing the outcome. We all know she will win. If you don’t, your lack of faith in the UMM will be remembered.

Wine & Punishment Soc
This coming hemera Hermu, Wine & Punishment will be discussing being buried alive. Not for the squeamish.

Engineering and the Chicken
Also on the hemera Hermu, Aristobulos will be giving a talk in his tent on his recent visit to Pasargadae with particular reference to Cyrus’ tomb, which, he is glad to report, was found in good shape. After his talk, he will be building a model of the tomb using snow and fish meat. After the talk, Aristobulos’ chicken will be eating the fish; guests are invited to stay and watch but asked not to distract her.

Friends of Rome
The FoR will be meeting in Amyntas Africanus’ tent this coming hemera Dios to continue their discussion of Roman Consuls. This week, they will be looking at the first two Suffect Consuls: Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus and Publius Valerius Publicola, who ruled Rome in the twenty-eighth year of King Amyntas I. Amyntas Africanus will open the meeting by asking ‘How did the rape of his daughter Lucretia affect Spurius Lucretius Tricipitinus as consul?‘

• Please note that in accordance with Roman tradition, diluted wine will be served as this symposium

Friends of the Pella Wine Tent
Next hemera Aphrodites the inaugural meeting of the FPWT will meet in the Pella Wine Tent to discuss whatever comes to mind and get drunk. Anything else would be a discourtesy.

The Big Question

Who would you rather meet on a dark night - brigands or Olympias?

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Moderation is the best thing.”

(Cleobulus)

[Has this been checked with Alexander? - Eumenes]

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

The King’s Speech

This week, as the army continued on its way to Ecbatana, I broke away from the main column to visit Pasargadae, the home and burial place of Cyrus the Great.

For those of you who do not know, Cyrus founded the Persian empire during the twenty-sixth regnal year of my predecessor, Alcetas I. He was a brave soldier, wise legislator, and friend to men. I strongly recommend Xenophon’s Kúrou paideía, which can be bought from the mobile library, for more information about him.

While at Pasargadae, we entered Cyrus’ tomb to pay homage to him, and when we left, we left him under the protection of the Magi.

The Magi, of course, are men of great dignity. As such, they would be within their rights to charge a great fee for protecting Cyrus’ tomb. But they do not; in fact, they guard it for no more than one sacrificial sheep and horse per month.

I commend the loyalty and devotion of the Magi to you. If they will guard a king for so little, what will you do for your king who gives you so much?

Alexander

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. ‘Mycenae, rich in gold’

“But it was. It was. Oh my gods, it was! Homer was right! Gold, lovely gold! I just can’t take the thought of it any more!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus sobs over his copy of The Iliad]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over the First Intermediate Period in Egypt

From the Archive
Codrus: the death wish king
the monarch who can’t help sacrificing himself for a good cause

Reports are coming in today that King Codrus of Athens threw himself onto the hearth in his palace yesterday evening. This remarkable event is said to have taken place after his wife, the queen, spilt some hot water on her finger while making dinner. Hearing her cry, Codrus - remembering the prophecy that Athens would not survive a disaster if the king lived through it and believing that it referred to the hand of his queen - leapt forward and spear tackled the cauldron. He then lay down on the fire. Quick thinking servants put the fire out before it could consume him.

Our reporters say that Athens remains standing.

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

II. Getting An Audience

A few nights ago, following last week’s column on how to engage your audience while telling a story, I was asked in the Pella Wine Tent how does a poet get an audience in the first place?

That is a good question. Men are very busy these days and will not readily give up their time to hear even a good story. A poet may use a number of methods to grab people’s interest.

1. Pay people to listen. Sadly, most (i.e. all) poets are very poor. If they were rich they would probably be politicians so this method is not very practicable.

2. Coerce. Blackmailing people can be fun but sadly, is not wise in this instance. The last thing you want to happen while singing of Achilles’ rage (if you really must sing the same song as every other poet ever) is to get stabbed in the back - literally - by an audience member with a grudge.

3. Ask / Beg / Plead. There is nothing wrong with any of these options in and of themselves, but be wary - if you use any of them, you are effectively telling your prospective audience members ‘I am soft, listen to me for a while, then beat me up and take my money; in fact, don’t even do that, here it is, and can I lick the dirt of your sandals for you?’

4. Get them drunk. This is my favourite method. If you whip out your lyre or lute at the right moment during a drinking session, the kind of people who would be likely to take advantage of you ( [3] above) will be too drunk to be of any trouble. Similarly, the kind of people who would be minded to listen will do just that, for they will be grateful that you have given them an opportunity to slow down on their drinking, because - apparently - there are some people out there who do not drink to get drunk.

Ptolemy

Camp Notices

The Union of Macedonian Mothers will be taking revenge on the men who continue to try and pierce their wives ears and other body parts with xystons and spears and who failed to give a donation for the outing to Susa two weeks ago. Cleopatra (tyrannos - Is that right, Leonnatus? I really don’t want to get on her wrong side - Ed) apologises for the inconvenience to wives and mistresses if their man turns up dead.

The Kaloi k’agathoi Soc will be holding nine nights of petition (NNP) from the hemera heliou onwards to ask Ares to send us a new Persian army against which Alexander may win new glory and his soldiers loot - and scars. The NNP is open to all and will be followed by wine and an SAE (scar admiration exchange).

The Wine Sarissa Club meets at midnight on the next hemera Hermes for a special Under the Moonlight meeting. Wine drinking and initiations (there are currently six vacancies due to deaths by over drinking) will be punctuated by prayers and hymns to Selene.

Love and Strife Soc. This new society is dedicated to the discussion and dissemination of the works of the Acragian philosopher Empedocles. Mystical Amyntas, a lifelong admirer of Empedocles’ work, invites anyone who is interested in knowing more about the great man’s writings to his tent at sunset on the next hemera Areos. M. Amyntas says, “Empedocles was the greatest philosopher to live before Socrates. The first half of our symposia will involve a reading of a portion of his On Nature; the second will be a discussion of the same, which will last until we are all too drunk to continue.“

Engineering and the Chicken. There will be no E&tC meeting this week as Aristobulos is in Pasargadae; however, he wishes to thank all those who prayed for his chicken over the past week. The Camp Notices is happy to report that she is back to full health and, no doubt, ready to eat another structure upon the return of her master.

This coming hemera Hermes, the Friends of Rome will be holding the first in a series of symposia to discuss the rôle of the Roman consul since its inception in the twenty-eighth regnal year of King Amyntas I. The first symposium will look at Lucius Iunius Brutus and Lucius Tarquinius Collatinus, and will be asking the question ‘Were they right to overthrow the Roman monarchy?‘. Of course they weren’t, but if you would like to find out why, visit Amyntas Africanus’ tent at sunset to find out why.

Wine and Punishment Soc. A new society dedicated to discussing different forms of capital punishment over a krater or two of wine. This week: crucifixion. The first meeting will be held in the Pella Wine Tent on the hemera Dios, and will look at the fate of Polycrates of Samos (who was, by-the-bye, betrayed to death by the Persians).

Loot Soc thanks to all who attended its exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent last hemera Aphrodites. There will be another one on the same day next week. It was very interesting seeing all the the loot that was brought for sale or exchange - the head of an unknown pharaoh, Gyges’ queen’s clothing, and Moses’ staff being among some very notable items on display.

Meet The Macedonians

Seleucus, son of Antiochus. The man who knows not what a comb looks like and teller of unfunny jokes. Seleucus loves his mum and can be found most evenings in the Pella Wine Tent extolling the virtues of both his parents. Seleucus says he is thoroughly committed to Alexander’s mission and that his ambition is to one day ‘found one or two cities’ of his own. Good luck, sir!

A Walk through Nature
by Craterus Son of Alexander
Can you guess what type of flower this is?

Actually, it isn’t a flower at all, at least, not one that sprouts from the ground, but a tree in bloom, and the tree is not just any old tree but a cornel tree, which we use to make our sarissas.

We use cornel trees because of their toughness of their wood; and not just for weapons, either, but a whole range of implements - usually, of course, the handle.

I am often disappointed by the little thanks that we give the gods’ bounty. The next time you chop down a shrub or a tree for whatever use - even if it is just to burn - why not say a little thank you to father Zeus and any other appropriate god for what they have given us?

• Craterus is a commander in the phalanx, and a flower lover. He won Macedon’s Strongest Man award three years in succession in the first - third year of Alexander’s reign; if he says you thank the gods for trees, then we suggest you get thanking before he gets angry and gets beating.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“Let no one untrained in getting drunk enter.”

(Sign above the Pella Wine Tent)

Alexander on the ‘net
Twitter: @AlexanderIII, Facebook, and Pinterest

The King’s Speech
Less than a hundred years ago, in the eighth regnal year of my predecessor Archelaus I, Carthage captured the cities of Selinus and Himera in Sicily. They took 3,000 Greeks hostage and sacrificed them to their gods. This despicable act preceded an attack on Acragas and then Gela. As Carthage captured the former and lay siege to the latter, Dionysus I of Syracuse was elected strategos autokrator in his home city and charged with its defence.

Over the next few years, he rebuilt the Syracusian army in preparation for a counter strike. His work was concluded in the second year of the joint kingship of Orestes I and Aeropus II. That year, he marched out against the Carthaginians defeating them in Motya following a hard fought battle.

The bloodshed was so bad, Dionysus worried that there would be no Carthaginians left to be sold as slaves. Carthage had suffered a terrible loss, but it was not was defeated; a year later, Himilco of Carthage attacked Dionysus’ forces. Syracuse and Carthage then fought each other for four years until (i.e. in the second and last regnal year of Argaeus II and first regnal year of Amyntas II) Himilco was forced to sign a peace treaty.

The treaty gave Carthage a presence on Sicily. Why? Dionysus had won the war. Well, he wanted an excuse to continue as strategos autokrator, that is to say, as a tyrant. What better way to ensure this than by signing a treaty that kept the Syracusians looking over their shoulders at their enemies.

So, why do I mention all this? Well, now that I am the Lord of Asia, I know that some of you are wondering why we are now marching north to Ekbatana and not to Babylon and home.

The reason is Darius III Codomannus. He lives, and while he lives, he remains a rival to my throne; the throne that he once sat upon. Now, you might argue that as he has been deposed from it, he cannot be considered a threat. But this is a short sighted view. For as long as Darius remains alive, he may gather a new army to himself that could threaten my rule. Of course, I could do what Dionysus I did and come to terms with him. But he (Dionysus), as I have stated, only did that in order to maintain his own authority. I intend to pursue and apprehend Darius in the interest of long term Greek safety and unity between peoples. I have peace in mind, not power.

I know some of you would like to return home; you shall - and with even more riches than you currently own - but I would not have you leave here under threat of a surprise attack. When you leave, you shall look only forward, not over your shoulder as the men of Syracuse were forced to do. It is for this reason that we go north; and it is for this reason that I warn you to look out for Darius as we ride for I fully expect him to challenge me once more.

When he does I will defeat him. Then, he will either be dead or will submit to my authority; when that happens the ghost of Dionysus I of Syracuse that haunts us now will be banished forever and the peace that he could not give his people shall be given by me to mine.

Alexander

The Ironic Enrinys
On Minoa

“I always told the children that they would be back from the Labyrinth in time for tea.”
“Sheep were more popular than bulls on Minoa.”
“Minoan men were frightened of women’s breasts.”
“The Dorian Greeks only invaded Minoa because they were provoked.”
.
.
.
.

Book Charts
courtesy of the mobile library

1. The Iliad by Homer (no change)
2. The Odyssey by Homer (no change)
3. Odes by Pindar (new)
4. Histories by Herodotus (down one place)
5. Anabasis by Xenophon (down one place)

Analysis
The new chart shows no change in the top two positions for the five hundredth year and 2600 (ish) week in succession. Below it, however, Pindar has shot into third place displacing Thucydides from the top five. What has led to Pindar’s sudden popularity? Who can say but maybe it will inject a bit of life in this frankly moribund chart. Perhaps we’ll just start making it up; Would you like that? Let me know, or, why not just come to the library and take another bloody scroll out!
Sarcastic Amyntas

Ptolemy Lagides
On how to tell a story

I. Don’t be afraid to involve your audience.

Every night in the Pella Wine Tent I see men telling stories about things that have happened to them, the gods or some other subject and as they speak (or sing) they recline on their couch as if their audience has the plague or bad B.O.

This is very bad practice.

A good story-teller wants to make his audience feel as much part of the story as possible. If it is a peaceful one (e.g. about what you did at home/while marching) why not insert a reference to food or drink into the narrative; if you do you will have an excuse to provide one or the other or even both to the people listening to you. This is particularly useful if you sense that your audience is getting bored.

Similarly, if your story is about war, don’t be afraid to stab or smack, punch or strangle one of your listeners. They won’t complain (on account of being dead) and the surviving members will leave you afterwards with the satisfaction of having got as close to the action of the narrative as one can without having jumped into the story itself. You will be thanked for this and adored by generations to come as a second Homer (Possibly).

Ptolemy

Demaratus, Macedon’s biggest cry baby, talks about what makes him teary
3. Democracy

“Oh my! Oh, oh my! Oh, oh, oh my! Giving men the right to vote! The right to decide their future! OH MY! IT’S ALL TOO, TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!”

[Interview stopped as Demaratus gets confused and tries to kill himself so that he can die happy]

Next Week: Demaratus cries over his Boot Straps

Camp Notices
Now that we are on the road again, all meetings will be after sundown unless otherwise stated

Proxenus and the Engineering and the Chicken Soc.
Aristobulos informs the Camp Notices that due to the success of last week’s talk, during which he and Proxenus made a model of the Royal Tent using only leaves and twigs, they will be teaming up again this coming hemera selenes to make a full sized model of the ark of the covenant out of according to the directions laid out in the Israelites’ holy book. To add to the challenge, both objects will be made out of whatever material guests bring with them.

* Aristobulos’ chicken will not be eating any food used in the challenge this week as she has been feeling under the weather for the last few days. Please pray to Asklepios for her recovery as Aristobulos has been feeling very lonely without her.

Pneuma Soc
Last week’s discussion on ‘What do the words of a drunk man mean?‘ will continue on the hemera Areos this week. The talk will be followed by a workshop during which one male and one female guest will be invited to get drunk so that their words can be analysed for possible meaning.

* If you would like to volunteer to be one of the drunk guests, please let Deep Thoughts Amyntas know by midnight on the hemera selenes.

Pork Chop Soc
The PCS regrets to announce that following last week’s real life massacre during a game of Rome: Total War Bastard for children it will not be starting a children’s division of the club. Destroying one’s enemies in the context of a game is one thing but doing it in real life because you lost or ‘wanted total and utter victory’ is another. The PCS thanks the UMM for not destroying it in any revenge action as a result of the unfortunate bloodshed.

Wine Sarissa Soc
Scythian Extra Strength Rot Gut, acquired from some shady camel traders on the first day after we left Persepolis, will be used at this week’s meeting on the hemera Hermu. There are currently three vacancies for places in the society; if you would like to join it and are prepared to drink the Rot Gut+ you will be given free membership for two years instead of one. If you die in the attempt, the society promises to crucify the traders should they ever be seen again.

Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM understands that women like to beautify themselves in whatever way possible and applauds this; however, please do not let any man pierce ANY PART OF YOUR BODY with his xyston or sarissa. These weapons are WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE TOOLS FOR PIERCINGS. And no, it does not matter if he does it when sober rather than drunk.

Men who attempt to pierce their wives with a spear are reminded that the UMM know where you live.

Kaloi k’agathoi Soc
This coming hemera Dios the KkS will be holding a discussion in the Pella Wine Tent on ‘The Beauty of the Gorgon”. You would have to have a heart of stone to miss it.

Loot Soc
Have you ever looted something that you no longer want? If so, Loot Soc is for you. The Society of Looters and Pillagers (to give it its full name) is a friendly society dedicated to helping members get rid of loot they don’t want and acquiring looted goods that they do over a flagon of wine or two. We will be holding our next buy-or-exchange session in the Aegae Wine Tent next hemera Aphrodites.

The Good Macedonian Sex Guide
Your questions answered by Lady Aphrodite who does it at the end of the baggage train with aplomb

Dear Lady Aphrodite who d etc etc

Theognis said that “there is nothing sweeter than an honest wife”. Is this true?

Yours,
Thinking about marriage

Dear Thinking about marriage,

Yes it is; but I would add, there is nothing spicier than a whore. Which you go with just depends on your taste.

Yours,
Lady Aphrodite who does it at th etc etc

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words

“A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers”

(Aristophanes Plutus)

Worth remembering - Alexander

Alexander on the ‘net
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