Posts Tagged With: Humour

Megas Alexandros

Camp Notices
Outside Pelium

As I write these words, we prepare ourselves for the first great siege of my reign. Pelium stands before us, proud and unyielding. Inside, Cleitus shakes like a leaf in the wind.

I know this because I have spies everywhere - something that those of you who were not pleased to hear of my accession to the throne might wish to keep in mind.

As for Pelium, her walls may be standing tall today, but they hide a cowardly people - a people who were pleased to sacrifice children in order to defeat us. In doing so, they killed their future. We will smash those walls down and bring an end to their present.

Αλέξανδρος

POLL
Thar Be Dragons (and Olympias)
Look out of your tent, Macedonian, and you will see commanding heights, thickly wooded (thank you to Ptolemy son of Lagos for letting us use his description). Rumour has it that King Glaucias and his men are moving among the trees, getting ready for an attack. But what or who do YOU think is up there?

Amyntas son of Amyntas My best friend, Amyntas who went missing yesterday
Alexander Lyncestes My chance of ever sitting on the throne
Craterus son of Alexandros I love King Alexander, did you know that?
A Slave [No reply has he has no voice]
Seleucus son of Antiochus My future wife. I’m going to name a tree after her ❤
Sparta [Reply not preserved on grounds of irrelevance]

The Daisy List
He loves me, he loves me not… the Macedonian way
Alexander’s enemies do not pick a flower to find out if the king loves them. They do so to find out whether or not he will kill them on the morrow. Those at the top of the list need have no fear. The further down you are, however, watch out

Hephaestion - Obviously
Langaros - a life long friend of the king
Syrmus, king of the Triballians - knows how to show respect
Celts in general - more concerned with the sky falling on their heads
Alexander Lyncestes - alive thanks to his praise
Autariates - a bunch (tribe) of nobodies (acc. to Langaros)
Cleitus son of Bardylis - a revolting man
Glaucias - Cleitus’ mule
Philip II - Stopping Alexander from achieving glory

Expedition Scorecard
First Year of Alexander’s Reign

i. Autariates Illyria MACEDONIAN ALLIED WIN

What makes a Wine Master sad? This does.

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
As we have not progressed very far geographically since my last message I have no new wines to offer visitors to the Pella Wine Tent. However, the wines of Pelium have a good reputation among wine connoisseurs back home so I look holding a tasting session with any available vintage once Alexander has seized control of the city.

To this end, I would be grateful if all Macedonian soldiers could kindly avoid destroying whichever building the tasting session is taking place in when they burn the city down. The fire will artificially raise the temperature of the wine and will ruin what should be a pleasant diversion. Also, it is very difficult to appreciate the full flavour of a wine when you have to keep an eye on the wall beside you that is either ablaze or is about to crash down on top of you.

NoticeBoard

WANTED - An Exit Strategy
Contact: Cleitus son of Bardylis, Pelium
It is not okay to contact me with negative augurs

WANTED - Any gossip relating to King Langaros
Contact: Cynnane daughter of Philip II, Pella
Please do contact me with (believable) lies

SELLING - booty
Contact: Lysanias and/or Philotas
Sale carried out under orders of Alexander

SELLING - Carts
Contact: Any member of the Macedonian Phalanx
One previous owner, slight damage from shields

GIVING AWAY - Vol. 1 of War Report
Contact: Callisthenes
A must for all loyal Macedonians (forward by Alexander)

Clubs and Societies

Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou
Aristobulos would like to thank all those who sent their best wishes to his chicken after she nearly drowned during his demonstration of Alexander’s Danube crossing last week. Tonight, Aristobulos will be using rations to create a food-map of the growth of Macedon under Philip II.

After the symposium, his chicken will be eating the map. Guests are welcome to stay and watch.

Aristander Discusses
Hemera Selenes
This week, Aristander and Menelaus Lagides will be discussing how training for the priesthood has changed in the last fifty years. After the symposium, both men will be signing copies of their scroll Fumes from the Ground - High as a kite and holy Mt Olympus.

The Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos
The Club President writes,
“The fact is we are in a camp that is surrounded on all sides by very high land, which is infested with enemy soldiers. We are dead men walking. So why not join the Sarissa Wine Club and be drunk dead men walking? We are a friendly society. But even if you end up with an idiot, you’ll be too wasted to care before too long. Win - win!”
Club Stats
Deaths During Last Meeting - 6
Vacancies 12

Would you like to join the Sarissa Wine Club but are not sure if you have got what it takes to drink wine out of the sharp end of a hollowed out sarissa? Why not visit our merch shop and buy a wine dagger and practice with that? Practice makes perfect, or at least a smaller injury.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu
The UMM is looking for volunteers to visit King Langaros’ court to make sure he is worthy of Princess Cynnane. Full training in assassination techniques will be given in case he is found wanting.

Philotas son of Parmenion - Foraging Techniques
Hemera Dios
Ever wanted to forage but not sure how? Join Philotas and his men as they take to the hills around Pelium in search of roots and berries and all edible shrooms. A fun day out is guaranteed.

Baggage Train

Pella Theatre Company
Hemera Aphrodites
The PTC will be putting on a production of the story of Orestes using interpretive dance. Patrons are asked not to sit in the front three rows due to the amount of flailing about the actors are required to do during the murder scenes.

NB Patrons will also be asked to sign a waiver in the event that Elektra’s dagger should go flying out of her hand again during the unpleasant, matricidal finale of Act One. The company sends its condolences to Amyntas’ widow.

Solon’s Daughters
Hemera Khronu
WANTED Men to bed in our new Celtic girls. Do you see what we did there?

Sports News

Bull Jumping
The Amyntas son of Amyntas Memorial Bull Jumping Cup will take place on the next hemera Hermu. Prizes will be handed out by his sister Amyntas Cleopatra.

Bull Jumping. Are you “up” for it?

Dangerous Runners
The Dangerous Runners will be holding a marathon in the heights above Pelium - twenty six miles (12 laps) - of avoidable risk. Prizes will not only be given to whoever finishes 1st, 2nd and 3rd but to anyone who comes back with the head of one of Glaucias’ men. Cheats will be executed.

From The Royal Archives
Deleted Portions of Herodotos’ Manuscript
“… the truth is, I hate travelling. All I ever wanted to do was tend my garden during the day and put my feet up at in front of the fire at night.”

Sophocles’ Elektra
(Scored out in the MS)
Elektra Why can’t we all just get along?

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Picture Credits
Oxeye Daisy - Wikipedia
Broken Amphora - Penelope Wilson Western Delta Regional Survey
Bull Leaper - Wikipedia

Megas Alexandros: a gracious winner

The King’s Speech
Danube River

It has been an exciting few days on both the sides of the mighty Danube river. To help you keep track of all the action (i.e. our military successes) I have asked Eumenes to keep an ‘Expedition Scorecard’ (below). He will update it from now until such time as I finally conquer the world.
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Back to the present; there have, of course, been disappointments. I refer, specifically, to the Celts who - despite my crossing the Danube without building a bridge, the destruction of the Getish town and general annihilation of enemy armies (whenever they have had the courtesy to stand and fight, mentioning no names Getae) - still said that they feared the sky falling on their heads more than me.
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These men are undoubtedly as proud as they are tall and one day I will cut them down to a proper size - if we can find whatever northern swamp they live in.

Αλέξανδρος
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POLL
Following on from the visit of the haughty Celts to Alexander’s tent, we asked a random selection of Macedonian soldiers “What do you fear the most?”

Amyntas of Pella The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Amyntas of Pella A spear falling on my head
Amyntas of Pella Sobriety
Amyntas of Pella Having to read Hesiod
Amyntas of Pella Elektra
Amyntas of Pella The fundamental dichotomy between nationalist sentiment and my desire for personal fulfilment
Bucephalus My shadow (answered on his behalf by his groom)

Thanks to all who took part

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Pine Tree Holiday Resort
Near to retirement age? Want to live somewhere safe and secure? Why not consider Pine Tree Island. It contains homes fit for a king (at the time of writing, one does indeed live there). Pine Tree is only accessible via boat and as we have discovered has very defensible shores. It is the ideal home for loners, misanthropes, men with prices on their head and Athenians.
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
The visit of the Celtic ambassadors has given us the opportunity to taste their wine. Like them, it smells funny, is a bit thick, and comes with more hairs than it should. If you don’t mind picking the latter out, however, the wine can be a rewarding drink. Unlike the Celts it is very strong and does not surrender easily. One krater will last at least half an evening for a normal drinker (ten minutes for a Pella Wine Tent regular). We think this may be due to Germanic influence in the Gaulish vinification process.

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WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Celtic wines - barbarian and brutal
Hemera Heliou
Wines of the Quadi Has a very mysterious taste
Hemera Selenes
Marcomanni Wine Gives you legs for marching
Hemera Areos
Iazyges Wine Wanders where it will
Hemera Hermu
Getae Wine Not a statement but a tribe
Hemera Dios
Scythian Wine Better than their cooking
Hemera Aphrodites
Triballian Wine It runs, it hides, it loses. We’re not even trying now, are you; just making fun of the Celts [You’re fired - Eumenes]
Hemera Khronu
Free Thracian Wine Stolen from the carts; rolls easily down the throat.

Expedition Scorecard
First Year of Alexander’s Reign

i. Free Thracians (armed traders). Mount Haemus. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Thracians escaped
ii. Triballians. Lyginus River. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: Victory incomplete as some Triballians escaped
iii. Getae. Across the Danube. MACEDONIAN WIN
Notes: The Getae were bad sports and ran rather than fight

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
All dates are subject to change in the event of a battle taking place on that day or cancellation in the event that the host is killed during said battle

Aristobulos and his Chicken
Hemera heliou Join Aristobulos at the Danube as he demonstrates how Alexander effected his exciting crossing of that mighty river using only stuff and tent. Unfortunately, no soldiers could be spared for this demonstration, so the crossing will be undertaken by Aristobulos’ chicken under his guidance.

• Will she make it to the other side without pecking open the tent and eating the hay, grain and whatever else is inside? Come and find out! Bets will be taken

Aristander Discusses
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be holding a symposium on How to Introduce your children to the Gods Without Scaring Them to Death. All parents welcome.

The Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos
The Club President writes,
“The visit of the Celtic ambassadors gave us an opportunity to quiz them regarding the drinking-game habits of the various Celtic tribes. Come to the Pella Wine Tent at sundown to hear what we learnt before we all got drunk (Don’t listen to the nay-sayers; the celts can really put their alcohol away).

…..“Further to the above, after the meeting we will be holding the cremation of those Celts who attempted to join the SWC during their visit and sadly failed. On this point, the Club currently has eight vacancies for new members.

…..“Don’t die wondering what might have happened had you joined. Join. You’ll still die - probably more quickly, too - but at least you’ll die happy.”

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu Is your daughter being picked on by her brother? We will be holding a special class “Ambush and Assassination Techniques for Girls” so that she can get her own back.

The UMM. Winning in the Shadows.

River Tours

The Danube. Can you spot what Alexander didn’t use? (Source: Wikipedia)

Hemera Dios Enjoy our stay by the Danube with a trip along the river. For the price of a cup of wine, you can -

• Shout abuse at the Triballians holed up on Pine Tree Island
• Hold sacrifices to your favourite gods
• Pour libations to Danube
• Re-enact famous naval battles with your friends (coracles must be used; extra fee; we take no responsibility for any deaths)

Baggage Train

Theatre
Hemera Aphrodites The Pella Theatre Co. launches its new season with a special Celtic version of Œdipus Rex. All the characters have drooping moustaches, refuse to talk too each other out of haughtiness and worry more about the sky falling on them than accidentally sleeping with their mothers.

Solon’s Daughters
Hemera Khronu Are the prostitutes of Naucratis really so beautiful? Find out in the brothel at the end of the week as we are about to be joined by some new Naucratian girls. For an extra fee, they’ll talk dirty and demotic to you!!!

Sports News

Bull Jumping
Who could have known that Amyntas of Aegae’s peg leg would break under him as he attempted to jump his first bull after being gored. Sadly, Amyntas fell right onto the bull’s horns and was gored again, this time to death. Our condolences go to his family, especially his father, Amyntas, son, Amyntas, and daughter, Amyntas— only joking, Cleopatra.

Running
The Society of Dangerous Runners have started up a new league that may be even more dangerous than membership of the Sarissa Wine Club. The league will comprise of runs from or to dangerous locations. Failure to successfully complete the run may result in painful death. The first run will be the hundred metre dash from Cleopatra of the UMM’s tent to the Aegae Wine Tent after shouting “The UMM are tramps!” at her. If you are hard enough and fast enough to compete, please let Amyntas of Pella know.

Poetry
The winner of this week’s competition is Jason son of Jason for his poem Danube: The Truth

I stood upon the southern shore,
And stretched my arms out wide,
“O Danube, Danube, speak to me
In me you may confide.
Tell me your secrets, tell me your life,
tell me what you know;
Of men, of gods, of animals
of all things high and low.”

And Danube he did hear my call,
My prayer upon the shore.
And these true words he spoke to me,
his unworthy servant poor:
“Blub, blub, blub, blub, bllllrb, blub
gurgle, gurgle, blub
plop, plop, ploppity, plop
gurgle, gurgle, blub.”

Magic words! Mystic words! For this and every age
O Danube may you never cease
to be a blubbing and gurgling sage!

The judges were particularly impressed by Jason’s ability to get inside the Danube’s mind and represent his thought in a way that was respectful of the river’s divinity and majesty and yet also accessible even to young listeners.
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
River Lyginus
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Last summer, the Greeks (except the Lacedaemonians about whom nobody cares) voted to make me supreme commander of the expedition against the Persians. It was a glorious moment which, if you can remember it, means you weren’t there. I believe there are soldiers who are still nursing hangovers from the after-voting parties.
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Thirteen days ago, those of us who had recovered, set out from Amphipolis to secure Macedon’s borders against attack from the Triballian and Illyrian people. On Mount Haemus the phalanx was attacked by an avalanche of carts and not one man was killed.
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How did this miracle happen? Well, we know how; I would like to point you to the why. The phalanx survived because,

α. It obeyed my orders
β. The gods are on our side
γ. See (α) and (β) above and repeat to my your heart’s content

As we continue operations against our Thracian foes and prepare for the Persian war, I know that you will not forget the above. Particularly (α). Why would you? Obedience to me will ensure that glory, even if not long life, awaits you. And if glory is not enough of a reason consider that following (α) will virtually guarantee you a quicker death than a traitor gets. No king who sometimes has to execute even his friends can say much fairer than that.

Have a good day.

Alexander
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POLL
The Camp Notices is dedicated to getting to know what the rank and file think. This has nothing to do with intelligence gathering and everything to do with a genuine interest in the soldiers’ thoughts. Honest. This week, we asked a random selection of phalangites,

“Which country are you looking most forward to invading, and why?“

Amyntas of Aegae Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Lyncestia Same as Amyntas - Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Methani Rhodes. It has money and lots of ships. I like ships
Amyntas of Amphipolis Same as Amyntas and Amyntas, though not Amyntas - Egypt, because it’s rich
Amyntas of Olynthus Egypt, because it’s rich. Has anyone said that?
Amyntas of Pella Egypt - I hear the women are beautiful. Oh yes, and it’s rich
Ptolemaios of Pella Egypt, because it is rich

Thanks to all who took part
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
I have had a busy three days since the Macedonian phalanx locked shields and bravely lay down underneath them so that the oncoming Thracian carts did no more than clatter over head and body.

For, despite the fact that the Pella Wine Tent’s amphorae are carried on armoured carts in the middle of the baggage train surrounded by veterans who are sworn to protect them even unto death, despite all this, an ugly and false rumour went round that some of the enemy carts kept running after leaving the phalanx and smashed into the PWT’s amphorae spilling the wine into the ground. There was panic, and I believe one man drowned himself in mud alleged to have been created by the wine spill, shouting as he dived, “Give me wine or give me death!”.

As soon as I heard this rumour I made it my responsibility to go up and down the line and inform as many of you as possible that it was not so. With these new Camp Notices I am delighted to tell all of you in writing (or those of you who can read, anyway) what I have been saying with my own tongue these last seventy-two hours straight: OUR WINE IS SAFE. If you don’t believe me, come to the tent. See; Drink; Believe! Get drunk; join the Sarissa Wine Club; enjoy the remaining three hours of your life before you accidentally decapitate yourself drinking wine from a hollowed out sarissa!
Amyntas
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WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Archon wines inspired by Athens’ first rulers
Hemera Heliou
MEDON WINE Very popular in Delphi
Hemera Selenes
ACASTUS WINE Said to be so strong it’ll make a democrat of a king; not true
Hemera Areos
ARCHIPPUS WINE A lighter version of the Acastus wine
Hemera Hermu
THERSIPPUS WINE So strong you’ll want it to rule you for life
Hemera Dios
PHORBAS WINE Too strong for Trojans
Hemera Aphrodites
MEGACLES WINE This wine can also function as a clothes cleaner removing even impossible staines
Hemera Khronu
DIOGNETUS WINE For pro-drinkers and alcoholics only as gives you a headache that’ll last for thirty years* (*days)
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CARTS FOR SALE

• Did you capture any men, women or children or possessions belonging to said invidiuals in the fighting following the Thracians’ “sauve-qui-peut” on Mount Haemus?
• Have you nothing to put the goods or injured civilians on as a result?

A number of carts survived their close encounter with our phalanx and are available for sale at competitive prices from Honest Amyntas. If you would like to buy one, put the word out and he’ll find you.

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard
All dates are subject to change in the event of a battle taking place on that day or cancellation in the event that the host is killed during said battle

Aristobulos and his Chicken
This hemera heliou join Aristobulos as he conducts an exciting experiment at the top of the nearest hill. Amyntas the modeller has kindly made him a to-scale cart and figurines with which he will demonstrate to those who didn’t see what happened on Mount Haemus how the Thracians tried to kill our mighty men. To add an extra bit of excitement, though, Aristobulos will be adding grain to the cart and placing his chicken in it.

• Will she eat all the grain before the cart reaches the bottom of the hill?
• Will the noise of the shields cause her to fly away?
• Will she fly away as the cart flies down the hill?

Come along and find out!

Aristander Discusses
The Linear b Rite of the daily sacrifices is enjoying a resurgence in popularity among old and young alike. Join Aristander in his tent on the next hemera Selenes as he explains what these ancient and venerable words mean. Wine will be served. By the end of the evening you will either be drunk or able to conduct your own private offerings in Mycenaean Greek.

DID YOU KNOW? The Mycenaeans had 123.5 words for ‘wine’? Depending upon demand, Aristander will be holding classes to teach them to any who are interested.

The Sarissa Wine Club on its way to drink

The Sarissa Wine Club
The Club President Writes,
“It has come to my attention that Club members who took Thracians prisoner during our recent engagement with them on Mount Haemus have been forcing their slaves to drink wine out of their hollowed-out sarissae.

…..“This is an unacceptable practice.

…..“The right to drink wine out of a hollowed-out sarissa is given to us by the king and is not to be taken lightly lest he choose to deprive us of it. Members should resist with great strength the pleas even of their mothers and fathers should they ask them if they might also drink from their sarissa. Remember, non-members are non-trained and cannot be relied upon to drink safely from our most deadly of weapons.

…..“Some will say ‘But neither can Sarissa Wine Club members, that’s why you have on average three cremations a week and a permanent recruitment drive’ and while that’s true it is also beside the point. In any case, why risk killing your slave when you will be able to get a good price for him or her in the market place?

…..“To bring order to the situation, we will be holding a special Slave Sarissa Wine Drinking competition in the Pella Wine Tent this coming hemera Areos. All slaves nominated for the contest will be given full training on how to safely drink wine out of a sarissa half an hour beforehand, or twenty minutes if I’m late. The winning slave owner will receive an amphora of wine of his choice. The slave will receive nothing as he is scum and not to be regarded as human, although I need to check up on that.”

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Alexander’s army has fought its first battle. The men are already growing rich. Can they be relied upon to save or spend their money wisely? No, of course not. Given half a chance they’ll spend it on wine, whores or by gambling it away. Do you want to stop this from happening? If so, come to our symposium on the hemera hermu next week to how to simultaneously take control of your husband’s money and convince him that he is still in charge of it

Booty Tracker
Did you send any slaves or booty home after our fight with the Thracians? Did you ask for confirmation of its arrival at the correct location? Join us on the next hemera Dios. By then, a messenger should have arrived from Lysanias and Philotas to let us know that everything has indeed been delivered to the correct place. If it turns out your slave(s)/booty has gone astray you can let us know and we will write to Lysanias and Philotas by return so that they can put the matter right.

You earned your reward. Don’t let it slip away!

Baggage Train

Family Entertainment
This coming hemera Aphrodites, Amyntas of the popular Amyntas, Amyntas and Cleopatra acting troupe will be presenting a one-man show “A Day in the Life of Hesiod” which seeks to explore in as authentic a manner as possible the boring existence of the man who has somehow become our second most famous poet. The production is aimed at hyperactive children and comes with a guarantee that by the end of it even they will be stupefied to the point of utter and deep stillness.

Solon’s Daughters
Next hemera Khronu, the Daughters will be holding a Whores and Hegemons party to celebrate recent Macedonian successes over the awful Thracians. Come dressed up. If you do, though, please make sure the costume belongs to you.

Sports News

Pankration
Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae on his victory over Amyntas of Aegae in the Pan-Hellenic Pankration League this week; it was a win that was all the more remarkable for Amyntas having blinded Amyntas in both eyes in the early moments of the contest.

Bull Jumping
Commiserations to Amyntas of Aegae who had to have his leg amputed this week following his goring ten days ago. We understand, however, that he will be taking part in the peg leg competition where he is certain to be a success.

Medea and Jason

Poetry
Congratulations to Marcus the Roman who won this week’s first prize with his poem titled ‘Medea Upon Slaying Her Children’. The full text of his winning entry is as follows.

Oops

Marcus writes,
“My poem is an epic romance which seeks to draw elements of high mythology and social realism together in order to form an organic whole. Medea has often been regarded as wholly to blame for the deaths of her children, Tisander and Alcimenes; what I wanted to do is subvert that traditional understanding of her rôle by presenting a view of her which not only dissonant and discomforting but also tender and life-affirming. My Medea is Life - my life, your life, everyone’s life; as my words reveal, she is - in effect - the Cosmic Other. I hope that in reading my poem, the reader will be inspired to contemplate the mysteries of our existence in a way that he has never done before.”
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
Corinth

He will never leave Pella, they said.
I came. I conquered. A third clause would make this aphorism neater but only at the cost of falsifying history. Let the slow write more words. I shall settle for marching forth now and defeating the Persian Empire.
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‘Now’? If nothing else, let me not speak too quickly! Now that the Greeks have confirmed me as the supreme commander of the mission of vengeance against the iniquitous Persians, let us drink and make merry. Get used to the taste of glory, my friends, for tomorrow we will dine in Babylon.
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Alexander
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ADVERTISEMENT
WANTED
Mercenaries in the Macedonian Army. Benefits include:

• Glory
• Loot (as much as you and your donkey can carry)
• Competitive rates of pay
• A superb opportunity to see the end of the world [Is that right? Eumenes]
• Discount membership of the Sarissa Wine Club incl. paid-for funeral should you die during a SWC meeting

See any Macedonian captain for more details
Spartans need not apply. Not that they would want to. Haughty gits.
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Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
Our speedy passage through Greece has not stopped your hard-working Master from assembling an unbeatable collection of wines for the Pella Wine Tent. Want to try flowery wine from Messenia? Or perhaps black wine from Thasos? What about medicinal wine from Kos? Maybe wine from Naxos - the birthplace* of Dionysus - would be more to your taste. Whichever you like, come along to the Pella Wine Tent and see what we have to offer.

* Other alleged birthplaces are in existence

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WINES ON OFFER THIS WEEK
Hemera Heliou
WINE FROM THESSALY. Strong. Makes you cavalier.
Hemera Selenes
WINE FROM DELPHI. Authoritative taste; weak light bodied
Hemera Areos
WINE FROM THEBES. Alexander’s Choice. You’ll want to write a victory ode after drinking this fine wine!
Hemera Hermu
WINE FROM ATHENS. Bitter tasting
Hemera Dios
WINE FROM SPARTA. Unpopular but believes in itself even if no one else does
Hemera Aphrodites
WINE FROM ARIONIC CORINTH. Has musical notes
Hemera Khronu
WINE FROM PERSIA. Stocks limited. Drink now before it disappears forever!

Clubs and Societies Noticeboard

Aristobulos and the Chicken
This coming hemera Heliou Aristobulos will make be making models of all Greeks using only grain and hair. Guests are welcome to watch his chicken peck the Spartan models to death afterwards.

The Pythia’s Greatest Utterances. Out now in papyrus

Aristander Discusses
On the hemera Selenes, Aristander discusses The Pythia’s Greatest Utterances - his new book on the Delphic Oracle’s most famous forecasts. Guests will be invited to guess which ones proved to be correct, and which weren’t. The symposium includes free wine and reading of entrails afterwards.

Sarissa Wine Club
The Club President Writes,
“The Greeeks’ affirmation of Alexander as their hegemon has opened the door for all Hellenes to join the SWC. We welcome all new members, wherever they come from (except Persia and Sparta), with open arms.

…..“I have, however, been made aware that some of our Macedonian members fear there will be a possible dilution (no pun intended) of club principles given that our Greek brothers like to mix their drinks. I assure you this will not happen. To ensure that it does not, new non-Macedonian members will be required to take an oath that they will never drink mixed wine out of their sarissas.

…..“As part of this oath, in fact it is the oath because let’s face it actions speak louder than words, new non-Macedonian members will be required to drink unmixed wine from their sarissas until they are alcoholics or dead. The oath and subsequent activities/deaths will take place this coming hemera Areos. I can assure prospective members that, in accordance with club rules, should they die their funerals will be paid for.”

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
On the next hemera Hermu the UMM will be holding a symposium with non-Macedonian Mothers to learn new and exciting ways of making our menfolk do what we want. All women welcome. Men coming disguised as women will be impaled. You have been warned, Amyntas.

Diogenes’ Tub
Have you got something you want out of the way? Come to our meeting on the next hemera Dios and let us get rid of it for you. Please note we are not a ‘league of assassins’. Diogenes’ Tub exists to help people get rid of unwanted ITEMS not people! This was a vicious rumour, probably started in the Pella Wine Tent by some drunken lout!

Baggage Train

Actaeon sees Artemis in the buff. Life is about to get very hard for him

Family Entertainment
Fathers! How old is your son? Whatever his age you can be sure that tomorrow he will be one day closer to lusting after women. Stop him in his tracks by bringing him to Amyntas and Cleopatra’s production of “Actaeon: How LUST Tore This Squalid Man To Shreds”. He’ll never look at women pervily again! Shows begin on the hemera Aphrodites.

Solon’s Daughters’ Brothel
Fathers! Have you paid for your son to see Amyntas and Cleopatra’s new play? If so, why not sell your own ticket and visit us instead. If you do so next hemera Khronu you will receive a discount should you come again.

Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller is delighted to announce…
… that his new range of Athenian figurines - with movable limbs so that you can make them run back into their city in a panic at news of Alexander’s advance into Greece - are now available to buy
… he will be a carving a limited edition series of Alexander and Diogenes (tubs included) meeting. Think Alexander should have said something even more witty to the famous Cynic? Buy one of these models and you can make him do so in or out of the way of the sun!
… has carved a delightful model of Arion and his dolphin (sailors sold separately) for sale to any rich Corinthian who values his city’s rich history

Sports In Brief

Bull Jumping
Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae on winning this week’s bull jumping. He managed to jump twelve bulls successfully before getting gored. We hope he gets well soon and does not have to have his leg amputated.

Poetry
No one should have to die for a poem so it is with great sadness that we must report the death of eight people involved in the riot that took place in the Pella Wine Tent on the hemera Areos last week after Amyntas of Aegae (not the Amyntas who was gored) read a poem controversially supporting the claim of the current Great King to his throne. We hope that Amyntas will be a little more circumspect in his choice of subject next time.
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Congratulations to Amyntas of Aegae (not the Amyntas who caused a riot or who was gored) who won this week’s poetry prize for the following poem that explores Orestes’ emotions following the murder of his mother and Aegisthus with searing honesty and insight. We reproduce the text in full below.

O f***
O f***
O f***
O f***
O f***
I’m f****ed
f***
This is all your bloody fault Elektra
f***
I need a f****ing drink

Homer, watch out.

Pankration
Want to join the new pan-hellenic pankration league? Trials will be held all next week in the Pella Wine Tent. There will be two trials. The first will be held at sunset and will be for candidates who wish to fight sober both now and in the league. The second will be held at midnight for those who prefer to fight drunk.
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CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave

Megas Alexandros

The King’s Speech
Thessaly, first year of my reign
“My dear friends, as you read these words we are preparing to leave Thessaly and enter central Greece where my loyal Greek allies will confirm my leadership of our alliance against the Persians. That the Greeks will elect me as Leader is a foregone conclusion - the position is my birthright, after all - but as you may have heard, malcontents have been stirring up trouble in Thebes and Athens. It is important that we do not give them justification for their actions. Please ensure, therefore, that you are on your best behaviour while we are on Greek soil. To help you in this regard, I have written the following Dos and Don’ts.”

DO

1. Compliment any Athenian you meet on their democracy while keeping a straight face
2. Make any Spartans you meet feel relevant
3. Remind anyone who says otherwise that Macedonians are Greek. Though our languages are different we worship the same gods and share the same descent. If possible, try and learn some Greek ( and not just threats and swear words)
4. Drop Aristotle’s name into any conversation you have especially with reference to his being my tutor and his father being my grandfather’s doctor. Feel free to remind the Greeks that when Euripides left Athens it was Macedon that he chose to come to
5. Keep your sarissae and swords sharpened, just in case

DON’T

1. Mix water with your wine. It is important that we keep up standards while away from home
2. Let any Greek bait you by pointing out how Alexander I medised during the Persian Wars. If this happens remind them that more Greeks fought on Xerxes’ side than on the Greek (and also, I would add, how few Greek cities took part in the War)
3. Forget to let me know if you hear any plots against me (penalty for forgetting: death)
4. Listen to anyone who says I killed my father because I didn’t, as you well know; right?
5. Don’t compare yourself to Achilles to any Greek. In fact, to anyone. I am Achilles, and I am not in the business of sharing my identity
6. (Except with Hephaestion)

Ο ΤΟΥ ΟΙΝΟΥ ΑΝΑΞ
(The Master of the Wine)
Forced marches bring out the best and worst in people. The best happens when at the end of the day everyone whips out their gourds and takes a swig of wine that was bought in the Pella Wine Tent the previous night; the worst is when everyone does that and proceeds to get drunk before helping to erect the PWT for tonight.
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The Pella Wine Tent does not erect herself, my friends, and there is no wine tent fairy to raise her while you are boozing! Sadly, my Stair campaign - “You can built a stair in a mountain but can you build a wine tent in five minutes?” YCBaSiaMBCYBaWTi5M for short - failed, despite my imaginative use of capitals, small letters and numbers.
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Therefore, I would like to thank Ptolemy Lagides for coming up with a new campaign - “So You Think You Are the Strongest Man in Macedon? PROVE IT. Erect This Tent So We Can All Get Drunk!”. He really does have a way with words. And thank YOU to all the Macedonians who have entered the contest. There’s nothing like harnessing a people’s natural competitiveness and desire for alcohol in order to get a dull job done, and quickly.

ο του οινου αναξ
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On Offer This Week in the Pella Wine Tent
Hemera Heliou HONEY WINE
Hemera Selenes WINE AND CHEESE
Hemera Areos WINE FROM ACROSS THE WINE BLOOD RED SEA
Hemera Hermu WINE THAT GIVES YOU WINGS
Hemera Dios WINE FIT FOR A KING
Hemera Aphrodites WINE LOVINGLY SERVED
Hemera Khronu WINE PAST ITS SELL-BY DATE

Orestes doesn’t pay for his round, the Erinyes get annoyed

This week’s guest wine is Tempe Reserve. It’s so strong you’ll need to think up a new strategy to drink it
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Clubs and Societies Noticeboard

Aristobulos and the Chicken
Hemera Heliou For those who can’t believe that Alexander did actually have a stair carved into the Vale of Tempe Aristobulos will be crafting a model of the valley and showing how it was done; he will be using only leaves, rotting turnip and fishbones. All welcome. Those not attending the after-model symposia are asking not to disturb the chicken as she eats the turnips.

• If you would like a permanent model of the Vale, see Amyntas Master Modeller’s notice below

Gods Wills’ Hunting
Hemera Selenes Aristander will be doing his bit to build up brotherhood between Macedonians and Greeks by holding a symposia on the subject of Greek and Macedonian god worship. Titled They Must Be The Same As They Both Screw Us Over the symposia will be followed by augury readings for those who desire them.

Sarissa Wine Club
Hemera Areos In honour of our soon to be new allies/late unlamented Thessalian scum traitors we will be drinking as much Thessalian wine as possible out of our hollowed out sarissae from sundown onwards. Wine will be sold at usual club rates and there will be further discounts for members who do not ask how we got hold of it at such short notice.

• Due to accidents at last week’s meeting there are currently five places in the Club for anyone wanting to join. There is no age limit but if you are still young don’t tell your parents
• Interested in acquiring a Thessalian property (incl. vineyard) that has come onto the market following the sad and violently accidental death of its owner? If so speak to Amyntas, President of the SWC. He is acting on behalf of the deceased’s son who appears to have had his tongue cut out

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Hemera Hermu The UMM will be holding its weekly council with Alexander at sunrise. If you are a mother and want to have your opinion heard / threaten any of the king’s senior officers / see how both are done then come along.

The Royal Society of Imperialists and Dynasts
Hemera Deos Thessaly was the home of Achilles, our king’s illustrious ancestor. As Alexander prepares to receive the loyalty of today’s Thessalians, we will be taking the opportunity to read of Achilles’ great exploits.

• Copies of the Iliad will be provided
• Bonus Thessaly is famed for its cavalry. We will also be discussing its strengths and weaknesses for aspiring emperors such as - hm - Alexander

Baggage Train

Family Entertainment
Fathers - Do you have an idealistic daughter? Does she need a bit of reality drummed into her? Why not bring her along to Cleopatra, Cleopatra and Amyntas’s performance of “Aeneas and Dido: How A Feckless Man Caused a Noble Woman To Die” It’s a fun and educational play about social mores and suicide. Sponsored by the Union of Macedonian Mothers.

Arts and Crafts
Amyntas, Master Modeller…
… is delighted to announce that his Vale in a Bale model has now gone into production. Buy it fresh and watch as the hay degrades to reveal a beautiful carving of the Vale of Tempe with our brave cavalry and infantry marching up it underneath
… confirms that his models of Athenian soldiers will be carved to third class standard in order to accurately reflect the state of the Athenian army since the Peloponnesian War
… denies that he is selling models in the fourth class (uncarved wood) of Spartan soldiers reflecting its current state. Ha ha

Brothel
Solon’s Daughters have the greatest pleasure in announcing a new sex position. Called the Ossa Climb it involves ‘climbing’ up one’s partner and pleasuring them one step at a time. Come (ahem) to the brothel any day or time to find out more.

Weapons
Amyntas & Sons
There will be a discount on all horse-engraved items for the duration of our stay in Thessaly. In the event that Alexander receives the loyalty of the Thessalians these items will be made available to the natives so BUY NOW to avoid disappointment later.

Upcoming Symposia
Next Hemera Aphrodites

Leonnatus on wrestling and why it is the best sport ever, and if you don’t agree he’ll break your Athenian neck
Antigonus Monophthalmus on living with one eye and cyclops taunts
Ptolemy son of Lagos on [subject to be decided but there will be plenty of wine so come anyway]

Sports Report

Pankration
The Pankration League has been suspended until further notice due to the deaths-in-combat of several team members. An inquiry into these tragic events and why they took so long to happen is on-going.

Charioteers please note: This is the only time a person should be seen in front of a chariot.

Chariot Racing
Teams are asked to not deliberately ride into their enemies if they see them watching a race. People want to win races against committed opponents not those busy settling scores.

Poetry
Can you write a poem about men spearing themselves to death while drinking wine? The Poetry League has teamed up with the Sarissa Wine Club to find Macedon’s best wine-death-sarissa poets. There will be individual and team events.

Javelin
Throw your javelin the furthest! Join the javelineers outside the camp on the next hemera Khronu for wine, song and javelin throwing. There will be a team event for sarissa throwers.

CAMP NOTICES
Editor Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor A Slave