The Second Achilles

Alexander the Great, son of Zeus-Ammon

The King’s Speech

A number of factors have made my expedition the success that it has been this far, and will no doubt remain: the skill of you, my army, the loyalty of my officers, the phalanx and sarissa and, of course, the Pella Wine Tent.

Of these factors, I am clear in my mind that the presence of the PWT has been key to the overthrow of Darius III’s wicked empire. An Athenian would dispute this, saying that it simply makes us drink sodden degenerates, but it is upon stupid antics and the tales that are told of them afterwards that men thrive.

With that in mind, I am pleased to welcome the new manager of the PWT, Amyntas of Vergina. He is the twelfth of his line (so’s to speak) to bear that proud name so I am sure you will have no problem remembering it.

The manager of the PWT is, quite literally, a law unto himself. However, if Amyntas wishes to do what his predecessor did not, and survive to the end of his term of office I have the following friendly advice:

1. Do not raise wine prices without telling the king
2. Do not even joke about banning fights
3. Do not give any suggestion What So Ever that you thought Attalus, father of Cleopatra hard done by

I assure you all that I have no other reason than Amyntas’ well-being for giving the above advice. I had nothing to do with his predecessor’s unfortunate demise, which occurred after he accidentally ran into a sword eighteen times after doing the above three things.

Alexander

What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Elektra mad in the week ahead.

hemera heliou Spiders
hemera selenes Bread
hemera Areos Snot
hemera Hermu Holly
hemera Dios The red wine sea
hemera Aphrodites Pontifex Maximus
hemera Khronu Cuirasses

This column is sponsored by the Erinyes
“Never a job undertaken ungrudgingly”

How To Get The Most out of the Pella Wine Tent
by Amyntas of Vergina

1. Drink faster

News From Macedon
Please bear in mind that it takes three months for messengers to get to Persepolis from Macedon so if your family has been sold into slavery they are likely dead already.

Seven whole days recently passed during which time Queen Olympias and Antipater did not argue with each other once. Seasoned political observers described the peace as “wholly unnatural” to the point where some offered to betray either the Queen Mother or Regent in a manner of their choosing so that they could claim to be offended and start a new, comforting feud.

Cambyses’ Army [see Glossary on this Web blog - AOS] has been sighted sailing up and down the Rhenos River in Germania threatening local tribes. Emissaries from this region have asked Antipater to call him home before he ’causes himself a mischief’ (translation from the Germanic).

The death toll in the silver mines in the month of Thargelion was 356 - 15% down on Munychion. Mine commander, Amyntas of the Mines, said on the fifth day of Skirophorion, “We practice a hard and not necessarily fair system of work here so to lose fewer slaves in a month would be nice except that, of course, they are slaves, so who cares?”.

Aristotle of Stageira has reacted “with great sadness” at his failure to proceed to the finals of the inter-polis Rome: Total War Bastard competition. “This uncouth game punishes players who think about what they are doing rather just rush senselessly into battle.” he told this reporter before going off to drown his sorrows at a Symposium.

Society Notices

The League of Amazing Eunuchs
The LAE would like to confirm that it does not intend to make Priapus it’s patron-god. Whoever started spreading this rumour is very vile.
- Limp Amyntas (epistates on the day this notice was written)

Friends of Rome Society (I)
We will be eating wolf at our next meeting on the hemera Areos during which our “consul” Amyntas Superbus will give a talk on The Rise of the Praetorship: classes in conflict. Please note, all wine is diluted at our meetings in accordance with the Roman fashion.
- Amyntas Africanus

Friends of Rome Society (II)
Please come to our meeting. Just because we dilute our wine does not mean we are soft. Look at this way - you can drink more before getting drunk! Please come, it’s getting boring with just Amyntas Africanus and me.
- Amyntas Superbus

The Wine Sarissa Club
A general discussion on different types of dagger will be held over wine and meat on the hemera Dios this coming week. Do you prefer a smooth blade or a serrated one? When you push it in do you withdraw it straight away or twist it? Which part of the body is easiest to cut? All these questions and more will be answered before we get outrageously and probably lethally drunk. A practical demonstration of best dagger practice will be conducted depending on the capture of any Persians beforehand.
- Straight Edge Amyntas

The Society of Anyone Not Called Amyntas
As to who this society is for, I think the name of the group explains it pretty clearly. And as for what we do - we celebrate the life of anyone not called Amyntas. This week (on the hemera Dios) we are looking at the life and work of Pisistratos, the famous tyrant of Athens. His name is not even an anagram of Amyntas.
- Ironic Amyntas
- Only joking, Ptolemy son of Amyntas (don’t rub it in)

Face of our Fathers

Herodotus of Halicarnassus

Herodotus, not so much a badass as baldass

Good Sex Guide
By Lady Aphrodite Who etc etc etc

1. Drinking wine and sex do not together

Patrons, do not believe anyone who tells you otherwise. A good prostitute wants you in her, not your puke, when the inevitable happens while you kiss. You might say that she should not care given that you have paid to be with her, but consider: if you are content to put not just your manhood but pukey fluid in her then you should pay double for the privilege.

Now we understand one another.

Helen of the tent behind the Pella Wine Tent (AKA Lady Aphrodite Wh etc etc)

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“Are we out of Caria yet?”
(Herodotus as a young child )

***

Alexander on the Web:
Twitter: @AlexanderIII and Pinterest

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Yours truly

The King’s Speech

Believe it or not wine is not the be-all and end-all of our lives. Anyone who lives as if it is, is missing out on a great deal of what life has to offer; for example, the theatre.

If you aren’t a fan of the theatre then remember that it and wine and both intimately connected as plays used to be performed in Athens during the Great Dionysia festival. That aside, the theatre is worth taking seriously as the themes that the great playwrights discuss are eternal ones. For instance, hubris in Persian Women, revenge in Suppliants, and principles in Antigone.

If you are still unable to appreciate what the theatre has to offer then I would suggest that you stay away from the Pella Theatre Group’s tent when they are putting on a performance.

And if you are attending through obligation please do not upset other patrons by making up your own masks so that it looks like your flesh has melted off.

Alexander

What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?

Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.

Elektra: Madder than Hades

hemera heliou Amputated legs
hemera selenes Silk
hemera Areos Blonde hair
hemera Hermu The Evening Star
hemera Dios Half-eaten apples
hemera Aphrodites Her own left nipple
hemera Khronu Grace and favour homes

This column is sponsored by the Erinyes
“Furious to help”

Lost & Found
LOST - the will to live; I attended Seleucus’ stand-up show in the Aegae Wine Tent yesterday and now want to kill myself, please help me forget it ever happened - Every Macedonian ever (Are we sure this notice is not a hoax? - Eumenes)
LOST - my little finger, in the Pella Wine Tent last night during a duel. If found, please return to Amyntas of the Nine Fingers
LOST - one empire, one family to Alexander of Macedon. Please can you persuade him to give them back - Darius Codomannus (Leonnatus, I know you said you verify all notices, but really - Eumenes)

Notices

Following a recent spate of incidents involving young children incorrectly applying and removing masks leading to their skin being shredded by glue the Pella Theatre Group will be conducting a workshop to demonstrate to parents how theatre masks should be put on and taken off.

The Pork Chop Soc is looking for a new Keeper of the Maps following the death of the last holder of this post. As is well known, the former Keeper decided to test the accuracy of the maps by taking them into the Persian hinterland. Unfortunately, it turned out that they were not very accurate at all; he got lost, and died of hunger before passing traders could find him. Therefore, the PCS not only need a new Map Keeper but one who is willing to keep them up-to-date. Please see Carve-Up Amyntas for further details.

The Wine Sarissa Club is pleased to announce the acquisition of six sarissas dating from the reign of King Philip II, which had been in the possession of Amyntas of the Gap Tooth. As is well known, Amyntas sadly died last week after accidentally beheading himself while showing new members how to drink from a hollowed-out sarissa. The Philippine sarissas were sold to the WSC by Amyntas’ sister Cleopatre for which we thank her.

The latest Rome: Total War Bastard expansion pack (Poseidon’s Realm) is now on sale from all good camp traders.

Camp Prostitutes ask patrons to ensure that they take all their belongings with them after visiting the brothel - especially their daggers. On a busy day it is not always possible for prostitutes to check the bed for items and this can cause a nasty surprise for either the next client or prostitute depending on whichever position is adopted.

Congratulations to the League of Amazing Eunuchs on its foundation. This society seeks to advance the cause of eunuchs and eunuchry and provide a meeting place for eunuchs to meet and discuss issues relating to their eunuchness.

Face of our Fathers

Agamemnon’s death mask

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“I portray men as they ought to be, Euripides portrays them as they are.”
(Sophocles)

***
Alexander on the Web:
Twitter: @AlexanderIII
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Pinterest
***

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King of Macedon, Hegemon of Greece, etc

The King’s Speech

As you are all aware, three nights ago, the royal palaces of Persepolis were burned to the ground. How it happened is not important, but I understand that some Macedonians have been expressing regret that it did. They are to be commended for their charity towards the capital of the Persian empire; however, lest anyone feel shame over it, I would remind them that Persepolis was the home of the hateful kings who conspired to invade Greece and put her cities to the sword. The fate of the palaces, therefore, was just and gods-willed. We would all do well to put aside our emotions and sacrifice to the spirits of our fathers who were brave in their resistance to wicked Persian rule.

Moving on to more important matters, I am pleased to confirm that there will be games to celebrate our conquering of the Persian Empire; before you ask, no, speed drinking will NOT be one of sports.

What’s Making Elektra Mad This Week?
Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.

hemera heliou hoplite warfare
hemera selenes dossers
hemera Areos barter
hemera Hermu pottery
hemera Dios over cooked chicken
hemera Aphrodites dialects (esp. Dorian)
hemera Khronu toenails

This column is sponsored by the Erinyes, “Delivering real vengeance upon real people”.

Headlines

Stolen. The King’s Theatre Company reports the theft of linen strips used for its plays. If you see Oedipus the Tyrant please inform Amyntas of the KTG.
Missing. Amyntas Son of Amyntas. Last seen drunk in the Pella Wine Tent declaring that he wanted to parade in front of the Spartans along with ‘his brother’ helots.
Found. A phallus of unusually small size in the Pella Wine Tent toilets. Any man who dares to claim it is welcome to do so.
Scams. If anyone approaches you saying they have found Archilochus’ shield and offer it to you for sale do not buy it as it is a fake.
Laughter. It can be confirmed that the otherwise miserable Seleucus has published his new joke:- “Did you hear the one about the emo Symposium? They all drank water!”. How we laugh.

The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. The Histories Herodotus (up one place)
4. Anabasis Xenophon (up two places)
5. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (no change)

The Iliad continues its 500 year dominance at the top of the chart. Most excitingly, Herodotus has taken Xenophon’s third place. It has been fascinating seeing them swap positions for the last sixty or so years; just like a real life duel, in fact, except, of course, that no one ever dies. Thucydides remains solid in fifth place, continuing to deny Pindar a place in the top five. Hesiod remains the least bought or borrowed scroll on account of his miserableness.

Societies

The Wine Sarissa Club
Meets every hemera Areos in the Pella Wine Tent for wine and spear related chat, and practical demonstrations. The club is working hard to improve safety for members. Blind drunk members are now only allowed to join the practical demonstrations for a maximum of sixty minutes.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Meets every hemera Aphrodites in the tent of Cleopatra of the UMM for all female-centric discussion. Recent topics have included ‘How to block out the sound of the wailers on your wedding night’, ‘Proper Spindle Maintenance’, and ‘Veils in the wind - a tale of embarrassment and revealing’

Get your spindle on

Pork Chop Soc
Meets every hemera dios in the back of the PWT. This week’s discussion will be:- “How would you carve up a country made totally of mountains?”

Engineering and the Chicken Society
Meets every hemera Khronu in the Aegae Wine Tent. Led by Aristobulos. Every week, Aristobulos attempts to build a structure using only food as building material. On the next h.k. he will reconstruct King Mausolus’ tomb. As ever, once the structure has been built, it will be given to Aristobulos’ pet chicken to eat.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“I’ve lost my food in my beard again.”
(Too many Greek men to mention)

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old grumpy face

Hephaestion Amyntoros, commander of the Somatophylakes, Writes:

Greetings. We have come a long way since leaving Macedon three years ago; a long way on foot, a long way on horse, and a very long way in mind and spirit. Indeed, after the battles to avenge Greece at the Granicus and Pinarus Rivers, and at Gaugamela, I feel confident in saying this: we have travelled so far that we are no longer the same people who left our beautiful home land behind.

Do not misunderstand me: I am not saying that we are no longer Macedonians. We are. But now we have become something greater: Renewers. Of Macedon. Of Greece. Of civilisation.

Some of you have been asking if - now that Babylon has been conquered by the king - it is now time to return home. When the time comes for us to turn round the king will give the order. Until then, do not waste time that looking behind you. Look ahead. To Susa. And Persepolis. Look to the wealth that Alexander will soon claim for you. If these cities oppose us, look to the glory that you will win with him in subduing them.

Look. A god walks among us. A king rides at our head. The world trembles and evil falls. This is what it means to be a true Macedonian. To look, and to conquer; to look, and to change; to look, and to be: Alexander.
Hephaestion

Am I drinking on a table next to you? You'll soon find out!

Gossip by The Macedonian who came in from the Pella Wine Tent
* Look. Did you see Hephaestion lighten up just once while he wrote his editorial? No, neither did I. Surprise.
* Did you hear the one about Sexy Euridike requesting that men donate their bodies to her for scientific experimentation if they were killed in war? Half the camp offered to do so as long as they could donate them before they died! Lust.
* Which member of the High Command is having noisy dreams about how he misses his mother, Parmenion? Baby.
* The rumour going round that Eumenes lost a game of Rome: Total War Bastard that he was playing with himself is untrue. Shame. [Editor's Note: refute this accusation completely. It was a draw!]
* Queen Olympias is Friends with 100 snakes on Kingscroll and just one human - Pausanias of Orestis. Oops.

What’s Making Electra Mad This Week?

Electra

Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
hemera heliou: Dust
hemera selenes: Israel
hemera Areos: Clay
hemera Hermu: The dawn of time
hemera Dios: Rabbits
hemera Aphrodites: Cassandra
hemera Khronu: Iron

Who knew that Electra also part timed as a counsellor? In this new feature, we dip into the archives to see how she was able to help her poor readers. Usually, not well.

Dear Electra,
We are the joint kings of a small but proud country in southern Greece. War has ravaged us. In light of this, do you have any advice regarding what policies we should pursue in the future?
Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre.

Dear Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre,
In such a state, my friends, one cannot be moderate and restrained nor pious either. Evil is all around me, evil is what I am compelled to practice.
Electra

(Editor’s Note: Heavy Crown and Weighty Sceptre began oppressing their people and were assassinated not long later.)

The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. Anabasis Xenophon (up two places)
4. The Histories Herodotus (down one place)
5. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (down one place)

‘Sappho’ will be appearing at the Mobile Bookshop tis Monday to sign copies of her Collected Poetry (Ptollers, Royal Road Press, Alexander’s 5th Regnal Year). Queues are expected, so come early to avoid disappointment; no weapons allowed in store. No propositions or proposals of marriage will be accepted.

Society Notices

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
Do you have a some spare time and a chariot? The UMM are organising a special tour of Babylonia for disabled veterans. If you can help them, please speak to Cleopatra.

M The Macedonian Network
There is no truth in the rumour that the new time line feature being rolled out will allow the king’s spies to see whose side you were on when Philip II was assassinated. Having said that, you may want to rub out any embarrassing status updates just in case Alexander does see them when drunk and gets the wrong idea.

The Sword and Wine Society
As usual, the S & W Soc is looking for new members following the deaths of some current ones during the last meeting.

Pork Chop Soc
Will be holding a debate on the nature of whether neat wine is best or if it should be diluted, and if so by how much. This important issue will be discussed in the Aegae Wine Tent on the hemera Areos this week.

Money Management
Helpful tips on how to manage your money wisely

A coin. For saving, not spending. LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.

* Don’t take more than you need to the Pella Wine Tent. Your friends will take advantage; no really, they will. They’ll be drunk and you will be lucky not to end up dead. You can take the man out of Macedon, etc.
* Compare local brothel prices before you make your choice.
* Better still, don’t go to brothels - especially if you are married.
* In fact, just give your money to your wife.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“God has entrusted me with the wine.”
(Epictetus)

Editor’s Note: Some authorities say that this quote may not be what Epictetus actually said.

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Me and Bucephalas

The King’s Speech
From Alexander, greetings.

Welcome to the latest edition of the Camp Notices. It comes with an exciting relief of me taming Bucephalas, which I am sure you will like. If you don’t, come and see me when I am in a bad mood.

As you will be aware, scammers are always out there waiting to take advantage of the silly, ignorant, and unlucky. Their latest effort is a competition being run in the wine tents - particularly Pella and Aegae - late at night. That is your first clue that something is not quite right as who would launch a competition among a bunch of drunks? Your second clue is that the competition is titled “Win The Chance To Be A Slave for a Year!”

Think about it.

Please do not pay the 5 drachma entry fee to answer the ‘incredibly difficult question’, which usually is ‘Name the king’ otherwise you will likely lose a lot more than your money and liberty.

In better news, happy birthday to Sexy Euridike who celebrates her 25th this week. I don’t go in for birthdays much but it is always nice to see Euridike with a smile on her face. It gives hope to a lot of men, including - I’ll say it - me.
Alexander

Electra: mad for it

What’s Making Electra Mad?
New feature. Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
Mon: Ostraka
Tues: The sun
Weds: Echoing effect of amphitheatres
Thurs: Plato
Fri: Dice
Sat: Grave gifts
Sun: Grecian urns

mPad
After a 500+ year wait, the Melon Company of Aegae will finally release the mPad this week. Demand is sure to be high so be prepared for long queues at the Mobile Bookshop and Library. The m (for Melon or Macedonia, take your pick) Pad will feature lots of great new features such as COLOUR reliefs, the ‘trag-stand’ - a function that you can use to read the famous plays of Euripides et al, and an updated version of the iWax device that you can use to send messages to your friends (via slave or servant).

* The mPad will NOT feature the EverCurse application which has been outlawed by the king.

Man using iWax on the new mPad

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM would like to thank all those who bought a cake or slave at their recent sale. One talent was raised for the UMM, which is a very impressive amount. The names of those who walked by have been noted and their wives invited to a performance of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.

Wine Soc
How did we get this far without a wine appreciation society? Well, we did, but now, thanks to Ptolemy, there is one. Membership to the Wine Soc costs 10 drachmas per month. Benefits include FREE WINE and lots of it. Membership is limited to 100 men so join now to avoid disappointment and social isolation.

C1 Championship
Congratulations to the Red Apis Bull charioteering team which won the Chariot 1 title this week at the Jerusalem GP. The RAB team have many supporters here in Babylon who I am sure will want to celebrate their triumph. They are reminded that this should not include impromptu bull jumping contests over untrained bulls as this may scare the animal and lead to injury or death.

Pella Theatre Group
The players of the PTG will be re-enacting the death of Socrates this week in the Royal Palace. Please note, real hemlock will not be used. Patrons too stupid to realise that they are actors are advised not to attend unlike last time when a riot was caused by their disappointment.

GOD OF THE WEEK

Asclepius and his daughter Hygieia

Recommended Prayer (never known to fail):
Asclepius, I am feeling ill.
I think I ate a dodgy pill;
Save me from this bout of farts,
So I can visit my favourite tarts

Drachma Catechism by Aristander (pt 2)

11. How are you to know what the gods have revealed?
I am to know what the gods have revealed by the utterance of the Delphic Oracle.

12. Who gave the Delphic Oracle authority to speak?
Apollo gave the Oracle authority to speak, when he jumped into the boat of the Cretans and told them to follow him to the place where riches awaited them.

13. What are the chief things which the gods have revealed?
Don’t mess with us and maybe we’ll let you live. Maybe.

14. Say Apollo’s Creed
Apollo did not have a creed, but he did have many hymns written to him. Here is one:

I.
The sleepless Hours who watch me as I lie,
Curtained with star-inwoven tapestries,
From the broad moonlight of the sky,
Fanning the busy dreams from my dim eyes,-
Waken me when their Mother, the grey Dawn,
Tells them that dreams and that the moon is gone.

II.
Then I arise, and climbing Heaven’s blue dome,
I walk over the mountains and the waves,
Leaving my robe upon the ocean foam;
My footsteps pave the clouds with fire; the caves
Are filled with my bright presence, and the air
Leaves the green Earth to my embraces bare.

III.
The sunbeams are my shafts, with which I kill
Deceit, that loves the night and fears the day;
All men who do or even imagine ill
Fly me, and from the glory of my ray
Good minds and open actions take new might,
Until diminished by the reign of Night.

IV.
I feed the clouds, the rainbows, and the flowers,
With their ethereal colors; the Moon’s globe,
And the pure stars in their eternal bowers,
Are cinctured with my power as with a robe;
Whatever lamps on Earth or Heaven may shine,
Are portions of one power, which is mine.

V.
I stand at noon upon the peak of Heaven;
Then with unwilling steps I wander down
Into the clouds of the Atlantic even;
For grief that I depart they weep and frown:
What look is more delightful than the smile
With which I soothe them from the western isle?

VI.
I am the eye with which the Universe
Beholds itself, and knows it is divine;
All harmony of instrument or verse,
All prophecy, all medicine, is mine,
All light of art or nature; - to my song
Victory and praise in its own right belong.
(From All Poetry)

15. How is Apollo’s Creed divided?
Into heroic hexameters.

16. What lesson do we draw from the hymn?
The first article of the Creed is, ‘I am Apollo, deceit killer and creative Master of creation’.

17. What is Apollo?
Apollo is the supreme god of creative arts and, obviously, deceit killer.

18. Why is Apollo called supreme?
Apollo is called ‘supreme’ because he inspires all poets, everywhere, all the time.

19. Why is Apollo called deceit killer?
Because his hymn said so!

20. Has Apollo any beginning?
Yes. He is the offspring of Zeus and Leto.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“Greatest, however, is water.”
Pindar
(Is that correct? - Alexander)

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A 600 year old Egyptian cat

From Alexander to his soldiers, greetings.

I am delighted to be writing my second column to you. As I write, Antigonus’ Monophthalmus’ leaving party is two days old and still in full flow. I, however, have stayed off the wine for the last hour to make sure that what I write to you makes some sort of sense. Let’s see how it goes.

Before I continue, however, allow me to pay tribute to old one-eye as he prepares to set off for Phrygia. He has governed my province well these last two years and I am sure he will do so for many years to come.

If he doesn’t, you can be sure that I will have him executed.

Let’s leave Antigonus with that happy thought and move onto another subject: Egyptian cats; specifically, my Egyptian cat. As you know, I am a god. This was confirmed by a recognised oracular source not some fly-by-night charlatan. Therefore, whatever I tell you, goes. If the truth be told (and if I tell it, it would because I am a god), whatever I said went even before my visit to Siwa, but now that my divinity has been recognised, it goes even more so.

Anyway, back to my cat. It has come to my attention that word is going round that she has bewitched me, that Darius III is using her to control me, that every Macedonian will one day be forced to wear trousers because of her.

I would like to assure you, that none of the above is true. My moggie is divine, yes, but those of you who know their religion (this of you that don’t, see below) will know that the male divinities are always senior to the female.

Having said that, it would be true to say that if the cat is sleeping across my bed when I retire, I sleep on the floor, and that when she demands food, I give it, but in this, she is just like every other cat in the known world, and probably beyond. I dare anyone to say otherwise; if you do, you are a dog lover.

And for those of you who put ‘wife’ or your favourite prostitute’s name in the recent survey regarding favourite pets, I mean the above literally. My point is made, I trust you see it, now go and get drunk, and try not to kill your friends.

Alexander

Drachma Catechism by Aristander

There is no better, indeed no other, way to make sense of this capricious world we live in than through religion. Sadly, many men failed to pay attention to their nurses or teachers when young, and so entered adulthood strong in body but weak in understanding. At the king’s request, I have put together a simple catechism for you.

1. Who Made You?

Prometheus made me.

2. Why did Prometheus make me?

Because Zeus told him to.

3. To whose image and likeness did Prometheus make you?

Prometheus made me to the image and likeness of the gods of Olympus, that is to say, Zeus et al, not the Giants/Titans et al. They are evil.

4. Is this likeness to Zeus et al in your body, or in your soul?

This likeness to Zeus et al is in my body and in my soul; in the case of the former, this does not include when the gods take on animal form; I have never been a goat, whatever my friends tell me after a night out.

5. How is your soul like to Zeus et al?

It is immortal.

6. What do you mean when you say that your soul is immortal?

When I say that my soul is immortal, I mean that my soul can never die.

7. Of which must you take more care, of your body or of your soul?

I must take more care of my body so that I may drink, and my soul so that hubris does not overtake me, Nemesis not kill me, and my relatives not bury me.

8. What must you do to ensure you are buried at death?

To ensure that I am buried at death, I must worship the king and be loyal; that is, I must follow his orders, I must hope in him, and I must love him, and the gods, with my whole heart. And sacrifice to them as they like that.

9. What is faith?

Faith is nothing next to fate.

10. Why must you believe whatever the gods tell you?

I must believe whatever the gods have revealed because they are very powerful and can doom my ghost to wander the earth in perpetuity if I don’t.

To Be Continued.

The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.

1. The Iliad (no change)

2. The Odyssey (no change)

3. The Histories Herodotus (up one place)

4. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (down one place)

5. Anabasis Xenophon (no change)

‘Homer’ will be appearing at the Mobile Bookshop on Wednesday next week to sign copies of The Iliad for Children (Ptollers, Babylon, Alexander’s 5th Regnal Year). Queues are expected, so come early to avoid disappointment; no weapons allowed in store. This applies to adults AND children.

GOD OF THE WEEK

Who is he? Poseidon

What is he god of? The sea

Relevance to Macedonians? Alexander prayed to him before the battle at Issus and sacrificed four horses and a chariot to him

How sharp is his trident? The close you get to a water source, the sharper it becomes

Any grounds not to take him seriously? He is the second deity of Athens.

Recommended Prayer (never known to fail):

O Lord Poseidon, master of the sea,

Please take care of my brothers and me,

So that when we come to journey home,

Our ship may speed over your sacred foam.

There are lots of other peoples in the world. What can we learn from them?

Romans: Nothing

Persians: Proskynesis (Is this right? - Ed) (Alexander wanted it put in - Dept. Ed) (O_O - Ed)

Israelites: How not to cross the desert fast

Persians: How to grow rich

Egyptians: How to pull brains out of nostrils

Hyksos: How crime pays (for four generations, anyway)

***

M The Macedonian Network

Join up now so that the king can access all your personal details without having to torture you.

The Union of Macedonian Mothers

Will be having a cake and slave sell after the morning sacrifices on Sunday. Worshippers are encouraged to purchase either or both. The king will not be responsible for what the good mothers will do if they don’t.

Pork Chop Soc

Will be debating the division of land in Elysium. Do the good guys get everything or do the strongest? Or what? Come and discuss theology, imperialism, and what happens if you kill someone in the afterlife - all over fine wine and cheap food (it’s about priorities).

The Euridikeans

Sexy Euridike has asked Camp Notices to make it clear that she will not be holding a meeting on ‘How to be clever and sexy at the same time‘; this is a ‘vile’ rumour put about by some drunk men after a night out in one of the You Know Wheres. The group will, however, be holding a women-only discussion on ‘How many men will dress up as women to try and sneak into this meeting’. Good to see she hasn’t lost her sense of irony in all that cleverness. My bet is on 8 - Ed.

Harder, Faster, Better, Lacedaemonian

DAFT SPARTAN are returning with a show based on the “Beats N Whistle Mania” edition of Rome: Total War Bastard. Book your tickets from Macedon’s very own MC, Parmenion NOW.

Just some of the helmets Daft Spartan wear when on stage

***

In Remembrance

On Monday there will be a poetry competition in honour of brave Menander who succumbed last week to injuries sustained in the battle at Gaugamela. As is well known, Menander suffered in both mind as well as body following that glorious day, and his last weeks were a time of severe trial for him and his wife and friends. In Elysium, the shadow that haunted those days is stripped away and he is the man that he was before: loyal, kind, and full of love; at peace and eager to be reunited with his family and brothers.

Farewell Menander, one day we will all walk again in the light of the blessed, and it will be a good day.

by his friend Amyntas.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“Let no one untrained in drinking enter.“
Anonymous; sign above the entrance to the Pella Wine Tent

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Me. Your king.

I am delighted to write my first column for the Camp News. I believe it is important to keep you all informed as to the issues affecting you all as members of my army. Generally speaking the news will be good, if not downright glorious, but occasionally there will be need to raise difficult matters.

***

Papyrus Plant. Craterus cries when it is pulled out of the ground.

7.
Coming Soon:
α. 3 for 2 papyri offer at the Mobile Library and Bookshop
β. Publication of Prometheus Triumphant Book I - Fan Fiction by Thaïs of Athens
γ. The Ranting Grain Brains at the Pella Wine Tent.
“The original - and still the best - group of Greek ranters make their Babylon debut. What do they do? Rant. How Do I Get Them To Rant? You pay them 5 drachma in advance / 10 drachma on the night and give them a statement (*optional) and they will rant about it for ten minutes flat. Add 20 drachma to the fee and the whole group will rant together, and possibly even fight. NO FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS. MONEY RETURNED IF NOT SATISFIED (Not necessarily suitable for children).”
δ. The StageirathonWhere slaves become kings, whores become queens, religion is a madness and mathematics is made exciting. One night of topsy turvy mayhem in the Royal Palace.8. Vegetable, Herbs and Fruit: A Disputation To be held by the Guild of Amateur Philosophers in the Aegae Wine Tent on Sunday. Do you have a favourite? Examples of each produce will be available to sample prior to the debate. Attendees are encouraged to bring to and share their own amphora of wine at this event.

9. Sexy Euridike will be leading a masterclass in Rome: Total War Bastard tactics all next week. Between Monday and Wednesday she will cover as many of the different versions of the games as time allows for. Between Thursday and Sunday next weekend she will demonstrate her knowledge and mastery of the game by taking on all comers. Anyone who beats her will be allowed to kiss her. If you lose, however, well, you know what happened to those who raced Atalanta.

10.
The Mobile Bookshop and Library Book Chart.
1. The Iliad (no change)
2. The Odyssey (no change)
3. History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides (up one place)
4. The Histories Herodotus (down one place)
5. Anabasis Xenophon (no change)

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas


Wise Words
“I brought the Law, and the Law won.”
Hammurabi

Hammurabi: Laying it down legal

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War: pay as you go

1. The King has become aware of a new game among his officers - Smash and Grab - in which victims are seduced so that their possessions can be stolen. This game is hereby outlawed.

2. The king writes: For the avoidance of doubt, General Wolfe is not actually a general. It is just his name. If your friends tell you that you must salute him when he passes, they are LYING. Do not fall for this trick. I am looking at you, Leonnatus.

3. If you hear Parmenion singing ‘The Rhythm is going to get you’, don’t panic. Rhythm is not a new god. You do not need to rush to the temple. It is a song he has learnt from somewhere or other.

4. Can you read and write? Would you like to study the Classics? See Ptolemy son of Lagus in the Pella Wine Tent on any given night to sign up to his new course. Discover why Minoa fell. Thrill to the plays of Aeschylus. Laugh at Hesiod. Cheer with the Achaians! Get drunk the night before your exam and fail it then do it all over again!

5. Futurism. A new competition. What do you think the world will be like in a hundred years, five hundred, or even a thousand? Answers to Perdiccas for statistical analysis leading to probable conjecture. Or something.

6. Societies

The Astrological Society would like to apologise in advance for its next meeting being delayed by a week. This will be due to circumstances unforeseen except through the stars.

The Pork Chop Soc’ will be meeting next Wednesday in the PWT to discuss whether or not the wine trade should be regulated, and if so, how.

The UMM will be holding a Buy or Die Sale to raise money for veterans wanting to go home next Sunday in the Temple precinct. For those unfamiliar with Buy or Die sales, the concept is simple. You buy something or you die. See? NB: This event is not covered by Olympias’ Rules so men may attend.

The Brotherhood of Cooks are delighted to announce a special talk by Craterus on the subject of ‘the use of flowers in good cooking’ this Monday in the Dinner Hall Tent.

7. It recently came to the attention of the senior Macedonian command that fights have been taking place between supporters of the Xenophon and Herodotus Societies stemming from arguments over the relative merits of these two historians. While debate is to be commended, the murder of men just because he thinks that giant ants really do exist, is not. Both societies are, therefore, put on notice that unless their behaviour improves, their societies will be suppressed.

8. Camp Notices can exclusively reveal that Sophocles was not a woman. Now, move on.

9. ‘Amusing’ graffiti seen in Babylon.
Nobody knows I’m a Lesbian
Practice safe sex - kill her husband first
100% Pothic
Oedipus Wrecks
A flagon a day keeps your friends away
Electra kills me!

10. Counselling Service. For soldiers who always seem to be in the back row of the phalanx and never see any or enough action. The king understands your pain. Do not feel left out and humiliated when your friends talk about what they did at the front of the phalanx. Seek counselling. The counselling service offers one-on-one meetings to discuss your anger and frustration plus cheap rates for hunting expeditions where you can take out your anger and quench your thirst for blood on wild animals. In extreme cases, counsellors will recommend to your field commander that you go into the front rows of the phalanx next time out.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“All is fair in love and war, but not a game of Rome: Total War Bastard.”

(Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus)

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Woof! General Wolfe in full colour glory

1. As you are all aware and grateful for, it was the King’s birthday last Wednesday. To claim your money back for the wine that you consumed in his honour, please present the used amphorae to Ptolemy between midday and midnight tomorrow. Only the specially marked amphorae will be accepted.

2. A public Lecture will be given by White Cleitus on Monday - Friday this week. It is titled Our King: 25 years of glory. Attendance not obligatory, but names will be taken and grudges held against those who do not show up to celebrate Alexander’s life so far.

3. A special lecture for women only - Queen Olympias: her place in the glorification of Macedon will be given by Euridike daughter of Cleopatra on Tuesday. (Euridike and Hephaestion will also be leading a roundtable discussion on the ‘established factual innacuracies in Hesiod’s Theogony’ in the Pella Wine Tent on Wednesday afternoon/evening.)

4. To head off any questions by confused men, the Euridike referred to in (3) is indeed the woman known popularly as ‘Sexy’ Euridike. Before you ask again, no, Sexy is not actually part of her name.

5. Would you like to learn how to make pottery in the geometric style? Classes are held every day in pottery workshops throughout the city. Thank you to Amyntas & Sons of Dipylon for sponsoring the classes. Amyntas & Sons: Pottery for the Masses.

6. Friends of Cambyses’ Army will be pleased to hear that Amazonian traders have confirmed that he is currently in Italia and recently single handedly beat an entire Roman Legion. We eagerly wait to hear more about his amazing exploits.

7. Society meetings (in the Royal Palace unless stated otherwise)
Union of Macedonian Mothers: What Spartan Women really do when their menfolk are away on military duty (open discussion)
NB: Olympias’ Rules apply: No men may attend UMM meetings; any who do may be killed on sight.
The Knowledge Club: Did Socrates secretly advocate wearing socks? A discussion (Thursday, 8pm - Pella Wine Tent)
Pork Chop Soc’: Into how many pieces would you cut the Roman Republic? A celebration of Macedon’s superiority (Friday midnight - Ptolemy’s quarters)
Friends of Kalonike: Why Spartan Manoeuvres / Theban Opportunities are superior to procreative sex (open discussion, Saturday 2pm)

8. Lysimachus is collecting funny stories involving dogs and their owners for a special volume that will be part of a series celebrating the battle at Gaugamela. If you have any, please see him in the Royal Palace/Pella Wine Tent on any evening.

9. As Game of Wines comes to its thrilling conclusion, theatre patrons are reminded not to riot if their favourite character is killed, or House wiped out. It is the theatre and bad - as well as good - things happen. Following the last play, there will be a Q & A featuring, writer, director and actors to discuss the trilogies and possibilities of a second series - if, that is, any characters survive this one.

10. Peithon wishes to thank everyone who sent him get well soon messages during his confinement after he caught the pox earlier this week. He says that he is getting better and looks forward to revenging himself on those who made bids for his wife and who tried to kidnap his slaves.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“If ever war seems too much, just be thankful you did not belong to the House of Agammenon.” (Proverb)

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1. By order of the king, the Egyptian Cat is permitted to sleep wherever in Babylon that she wants, excluding the temple.

2. The Secretary of the Pork Chop Soc’ wishes to inform members that their subs are due this week. He advises that if these are not paid on time offenders’ names will be entered into the register of Friends of the Athenian Hegemony. He adds, “Ha ha.”

3. Craterus writes: “It has come to my attention that drunk Macedonians have been tying rope around their waists and hanging themselves from the walls of the hanging gardens. This is not funny and in fact disrespectful to the legend of Queen Semiramis. As well as the flowers contained within the garden. If I catch anyone engaged in this ‘sport’, I will hang them from their necks and see how they like that.”

4. Reports that Cambyses’ Army has recently single-handedly fought and beaten a Bactrian army remain unconfirmed but is being investigated.

5. Parmenion will be comparing a night of drum ‘n’ lyre music in the Pella Wine Tent this weekend. He promises ‘breakneck beats, macho strokes and vicious voices’ from the finest musicians in Babylon.

6. Spears and Arrows is pleased to announce that it is sponsoring a series of talks on the development of modern weaponry. All lectures will be given by Eumenes of Thrace:
Lecture One: Sticks and Stones: On Primitive Weaponry
Lecture Two: Cop That: The Rise of Bronze
Lecture Three: Any Old Iron: The New Way, Or The Dead Way
Lecture Four: Many Points, One Conclusion: King Philip and the Sarissa

Lecture One takes place on Thursday in the royal palace courtyard. Lecture Four will take place wherever the current king is not.

7. We will be receiving a delegation from the land of Judea this week. The Israelites have odd religious views, being believers in a single god, but have a right to courtesy nonetheless. Make sure you provide it.

8. If you are approached by anyone who says that they can show you how to get rich by drinking, please ignore or kill them: THIS IS A SCAM. All that will happen is that you will get drunk and they will steal your money. The king recognises that it is hard for Macedonians to resist an excuse to drink, especially if it involves money, but in this case, it should be done.

9. We welcome to the world, Amyntas son of Amyntas. Amyntas Sr is a Third Row Phalangist. We caught up with him to see what being a new father is like.
Camp Notices: So, Amyntas, congratulations. What is it like being a father?
Amyntas Sr: It is hard to say, I am still celebrating! Last night I f***ed the most amazing Babylonian whore!
Camp Notices: Er… how do you think fatherhood will change your life?
Amyntas Sr: I will certainly drink harder and fight harder from now on. Not that I wasn’t doing so before, but I want my boy to be proud of me.
Camp Notices: And what of your wife, how is she?
Amyntas Sr: Who? Oh, she’s fine. Can’t wait to f*** her again.
Camp Notices: It seems that fatherhood has not changed you at all, unless it is to make you even more vulgar.
Amyntas Sr. I resent that. I slept with that whore last week as well.
Camp Notices: Hmm.
Editor’s Comment: It seems Macedonians have a little way to go before they can be called refined.

10. Win 1 Talent! The person to pin the spear on Pausanias while blind folded closest to the spot where he was stabbed to death after assassinating King Philip gets the money. The competition will be held in the Pella Wine Tent tomorrow.

Thought for the Week:
“I can’t think without a flagon of wine in my hand.”
(Plato - attributed)

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