Monthly Archives: October 2011

Me and Bucephalas

The King’s Speech
From Alexander, greetings.

Welcome to the latest edition of the Camp Notices. It comes with an exciting relief of me taming Bucephalas, which I am sure you will like. If you don’t, come and see me when I am in a bad mood.

As you will be aware, scammers are always out there waiting to take advantage of the silly, ignorant, and unlucky. Their latest effort is a competition being run in the wine tents - particularly Pella and Aegae - late at night. That is your first clue that something is not quite right as who would launch a competition among a bunch of drunks? Your second clue is that the competition is titled “Win The Chance To Be A Slave for a Year!”

Think about it.

Please do not pay the 5 drachma entry fee to answer the ‘incredibly difficult question’, which usually is ‘Name the king’ otherwise you will likely lose a lot more than your money and liberty.

In better news, happy birthday to Sexy Euridike who celebrates her 25th this week. I don’t go in for birthdays much but it is always nice to see Euridike with a smile on her face. It gives hope to a lot of men, including - I’ll say it - me.
Alexander

Electra: mad for it

What’s Making Electra Mad?
New feature. Now that she can’t be mad at her mother anymore, we look at what will be making Electra mad in the week ahead.
Mon: Ostraka
Tues: The sun
Weds: Echoing effect of amphitheatres
Thurs: Plato
Fri: Dice
Sat: Grave gifts
Sun: Grecian urns

mPad
After a 500+ year wait, the Melon Company of Aegae will finally release the mPad this week. Demand is sure to be high so be prepared for long queues at the Mobile Bookshop and Library. The m (for Melon or Macedonia, take your pick) Pad will feature lots of great new features such as COLOUR reliefs, the ‘trag-stand’ - a function that you can use to read the famous plays of Euripides et al, and an updated version of the iWax device that you can use to send messages to your friends (via slave or servant).

* The mPad will NOT feature the EverCurse application which has been outlawed by the king.

Man using iWax on the new mPad

The Union of Macedonian Mothers
The UMM would like to thank all those who bought a cake or slave at their recent sale. One talent was raised for the UMM, which is a very impressive amount. The names of those who walked by have been noted and their wives invited to a performance of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.

Wine Soc
How did we get this far without a wine appreciation society? Well, we did, but now, thanks to Ptolemy, there is one. Membership to the Wine Soc costs 10 drachmas per month. Benefits include FREE WINE and lots of it. Membership is limited to 100 men so join now to avoid disappointment and social isolation.

C1 Championship
Congratulations to the Red Apis Bull charioteering team which won the Chariot 1 title this week at the Jerusalem GP. The RAB team have many supporters here in Babylon who I am sure will want to celebrate their triumph. They are reminded that this should not include impromptu bull jumping contests over untrained bulls as this may scare the animal and lead to injury or death.

Pella Theatre Group
The players of the PTG will be re-enacting the death of Socrates this week in the Royal Palace. Please note, real hemlock will not be used. Patrons too stupid to realise that they are actors are advised not to attend unlike last time when a riot was caused by their disappointment.

GOD OF THE WEEK

Asclepius and his daughter Hygieia

Recommended Prayer (never known to fail):
Asclepius, I am feeling ill.
I think I ate a dodgy pill;
Save me from this bout of farts,
So I can visit my favourite tarts

Drachma Catechism by Aristander (pt 2)

11. How are you to know what the gods have revealed?
I am to know what the gods have revealed by the utterance of the Delphic Oracle.

12. Who gave the Delphic Oracle authority to speak?
Apollo gave the Oracle authority to speak, when he jumped into the boat of the Cretans and told them to follow him to the place where riches awaited them.

13. What are the chief things which the gods have revealed?
Don’t mess with us and maybe we’ll let you live. Maybe.

14. Say Apollo’s Creed
Apollo did not have a creed, but he did have many hymns written to him. Here is one:

I.
The sleepless Hours who watch me as I lie,
Curtained with star-inwoven tapestries,
From the broad moonlight of the sky,
Fanning the busy dreams from my dim eyes,-
Waken me when their Mother, the grey Dawn,
Tells them that dreams and that the moon is gone.

II.
Then I arise, and climbing Heaven’s blue dome,
I walk over the mountains and the waves,
Leaving my robe upon the ocean foam;
My footsteps pave the clouds with fire; the caves
Are filled with my bright presence, and the air
Leaves the green Earth to my embraces bare.

III.
The sunbeams are my shafts, with which I kill
Deceit, that loves the night and fears the day;
All men who do or even imagine ill
Fly me, and from the glory of my ray
Good minds and open actions take new might,
Until diminished by the reign of Night.

IV.
I feed the clouds, the rainbows, and the flowers,
With their ethereal colors; the Moon’s globe,
And the pure stars in their eternal bowers,
Are cinctured with my power as with a robe;
Whatever lamps on Earth or Heaven may shine,
Are portions of one power, which is mine.

V.
I stand at noon upon the peak of Heaven;
Then with unwilling steps I wander down
Into the clouds of the Atlantic even;
For grief that I depart they weep and frown:
What look is more delightful than the smile
With which I soothe them from the western isle?

VI.
I am the eye with which the Universe
Beholds itself, and knows it is divine;
All harmony of instrument or verse,
All prophecy, all medicine, is mine,
All light of art or nature; - to my song
Victory and praise in its own right belong.
(From All Poetry)

15. How is Apollo’s Creed divided?
Into heroic hexameters.

16. What lesson do we draw from the hymn?
The first article of the Creed is, ‘I am Apollo, deceit killer and creative Master of creation’.

17. What is Apollo?
Apollo is the supreme god of creative arts and, obviously, deceit killer.

18. Why is Apollo called supreme?
Apollo is called ‘supreme’ because he inspires all poets, everywhere, all the time.

19. Why is Apollo called deceit killer?
Because his hymn said so!

20. Has Apollo any beginning?
Yes. He is the offspring of Zeus and Leto.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“Greatest, however, is water.”
Pindar
(Is that correct? - Alexander)

War: pay as you go

1. The King has become aware of a new game among his officers - Smash and Grab - in which victims are seduced so that their possessions can be stolen. This game is hereby outlawed.

2. The king writes: For the avoidance of doubt, General Wolfe is not actually a general. It is just his name. If your friends tell you that you must salute him when he passes, they are LYING. Do not fall for this trick. I am looking at you, Leonnatus.

3. If you hear Parmenion singing ‘The Rhythm is going to get you’, don’t panic. Rhythm is not a new god. You do not need to rush to the temple. It is a song he has learnt from somewhere or other.

4. Can you read and write? Would you like to study the Classics? See Ptolemy son of Lagus in the Pella Wine Tent on any given night to sign up to his new course. Discover why Minoa fell. Thrill to the plays of Aeschylus. Laugh at Hesiod. Cheer with the Achaians! Get drunk the night before your exam and fail it then do it all over again!

5. Futurism. A new competition. What do you think the world will be like in a hundred years, five hundred, or even a thousand? Answers to Perdiccas for statistical analysis leading to probable conjecture. Or something.

6. Societies

The Astrological Society would like to apologise in advance for its next meeting being delayed by a week. This will be due to circumstances unforeseen except through the stars.

The Pork Chop Soc’ will be meeting next Wednesday in the PWT to discuss whether or not the wine trade should be regulated, and if so, how.

The UMM will be holding a Buy or Die Sale to raise money for veterans wanting to go home next Sunday in the Temple precinct. For those unfamiliar with Buy or Die sales, the concept is simple. You buy something or you die. See? NB: This event is not covered by Olympias’ Rules so men may attend.

The Brotherhood of Cooks are delighted to announce a special talk by Craterus on the subject of ‘the use of flowers in good cooking’ this Monday in the Dinner Hall Tent.

7. It recently came to the attention of the senior Macedonian command that fights have been taking place between supporters of the Xenophon and Herodotus Societies stemming from arguments over the relative merits of these two historians. While debate is to be commended, the murder of men just because he thinks that giant ants really do exist, is not. Both societies are, therefore, put on notice that unless their behaviour improves, their societies will be suppressed.

8. Camp Notices can exclusively reveal that Sophocles was not a woman. Now, move on.

9. ‘Amusing’ graffiti seen in Babylon.
Nobody knows I’m a Lesbian
Practice safe sex - kill her husband first
100% Pothic
Oedipus Wrecks
A flagon a day keeps your friends away
Electra kills me!

10. Counselling Service. For soldiers who always seem to be in the back row of the phalanx and never see any or enough action. The king understands your pain. Do not feel left out and humiliated when your friends talk about what they did at the front of the phalanx. Seek counselling. The counselling service offers one-on-one meetings to discuss your anger and frustration plus cheap rates for hunting expeditions where you can take out your anger and quench your thirst for blood on wild animals. In extreme cases, counsellors will recommend to your field commander that you go into the front rows of the phalanx next time out.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“All is fair in love and war, but not a game of Rome: Total War Bastard.”

(Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus)

Woof! General Wolfe in full colour glory

1. As you are all aware and grateful for, it was the King’s birthday last Wednesday. To claim your money back for the wine that you consumed in his honour, please present the used amphorae to Ptolemy between midday and midnight tomorrow. Only the specially marked amphorae will be accepted.

2. A public Lecture will be given by White Cleitus on Monday - Friday this week. It is titled Our King: 25 years of glory. Attendance not obligatory, but names will be taken and grudges held against those who do not show up to celebrate Alexander’s life so far.

3. A special lecture for women only - Queen Olympias: her place in the glorification of Macedon will be given by Euridike daughter of Cleopatra on Tuesday. (Euridike and Hephaestion will also be leading a roundtable discussion on the ‘established factual innacuracies in Hesiod’s Theogony’ in the Pella Wine Tent on Wednesday afternoon/evening.)

4. To head off any questions by confused men, the Euridike referred to in (3) is indeed the woman known popularly as ‘Sexy’ Euridike. Before you ask again, no, Sexy is not actually part of her name.

5. Would you like to learn how to make pottery in the geometric style? Classes are held every day in pottery workshops throughout the city. Thank you to Amyntas & Sons of Dipylon for sponsoring the classes. Amyntas & Sons: Pottery for the Masses.

6. Friends of Cambyses’ Army will be pleased to hear that Amazonian traders have confirmed that he is currently in Italia and recently single handedly beat an entire Roman Legion. We eagerly wait to hear more about his amazing exploits.

7. Society meetings (in the Royal Palace unless stated otherwise)
Union of Macedonian Mothers: What Spartan Women really do when their menfolk are away on military duty (open discussion)
NB: Olympias’ Rules apply: No men may attend UMM meetings; any who do may be killed on sight.
The Knowledge Club: Did Socrates secretly advocate wearing socks? A discussion (Thursday, 8pm - Pella Wine Tent)
Pork Chop Soc’: Into how many pieces would you cut the Roman Republic? A celebration of Macedon’s superiority (Friday midnight - Ptolemy’s quarters)
Friends of Kalonike: Why Spartan Manoeuvres / Theban Opportunities are superior to procreative sex (open discussion, Saturday 2pm)

8. Lysimachus is collecting funny stories involving dogs and their owners for a special volume that will be part of a series celebrating the battle at Gaugamela. If you have any, please see him in the Royal Palace/Pella Wine Tent on any evening.

9. As Game of Wines comes to its thrilling conclusion, theatre patrons are reminded not to riot if their favourite character is killed, or House wiped out. It is the theatre and bad - as well as good - things happen. Following the last play, there will be a Q & A featuring, writer, director and actors to discuss the trilogies and possibilities of a second series - if, that is, any characters survive this one.

10. Peithon wishes to thank everyone who sent him get well soon messages during his confinement after he caught the pox earlier this week. He says that he is getting better and looks forward to revenging himself on those who made bids for his wife and who tried to kidnap his slaves.

Camp Notices
Editor: Eumenes of Cardia
Deputy Editor: Leonnatus Son of Anteas

Wise Words
“If ever war seems too much, just be thankful you did not belong to the House of Agammenon.” (Proverb)